How do I stop reacting in anger?

[TerrySong]

Hi, I am married , and have a problem reacting quickly in anger , often to my husband. And
he is getting EXTREMELY tired of putting up with it.
I know that because I get worried about little things ( I can’t find this or that, and blame it on
my husband for not putting it away) or worried about his lack of manners in front of company and what they will think.
Sometimes, I know I"M RIGHT about certain things, and I’ll criticize him for things.
He is a WONDERFUL husband, and we’ve been getting along pretty good lately. It’s just
that once in a while I slip and say something (usually I feel justified) but I usually belabor the point. He is saying he can’t* live* like that anymore.
And I am afraid I must change, or else. REALLY, he’s serious.

My problem is, I do get excited over little things. It’s hard to let go. I don’t want to lose my husband over this.
Has anyone been through this, and has any advice? It’s real hard to change, because it just
happens so fast.

 

[Jon_S_1]

Hi, I am married , and have a problem reacting quickly in anger , often to my husband. And
he is getting EXTREMELY tired of putting up with it.
I know that because I get worried about little things ( I can’t find this or that, and blame it on
my husband for not putting it away) or worried about his lack of manners in front of company and what they will think.
Sometimes, I know I"M RIGHT about certain things, and I’ll criticize him for things.
He is a WONDERFUL husband, and we’ve been getting along pretty good lately. It’s just
that once in a while I slip and say something (usually I feel justified) but I usually belabor the point. He is saying he can’t* live* like that anymore.
And I am afraid I must change, or else. REALLY, he’s serious.

My problem is, I do get excited over little things. It’s hard to let go. I don’t want to lose my husband over this.
Has anyone been through this, and has any advice? It’s real hard to change, because it just
happens so fast.

I will be honest and say you sound like my ex wife in some ways.

I will just say this stuff really does wear on men and especially when they are gone working all day and come home to be assaulted over something mundane.

I remember coming home from a 48hr shift where I unsuccessfully attempted to resucitate a man in cardiac arrest and then was nearly hit by a car on the freeway and when I walked in the door my wife at the time just lambasted me for being 10 mins later than usual and she had to make the kids school lunches.

I just had to think…really.

So all that to say. Try to get in your husbands shoes and see things from his perspective. If you unjustly yell at him or something give a sincere apology. My ex never apologized and so it built resentment.

Prayers for you.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

I told my doctor about my anger during my physical. He prescribed “citalopram” and the little things don’t get me and I’m calm during emergencies like I was before my babies. If you want to know how & when my anger surfaced, I can share this, but it will take a while.

usccb.org/bible/sirach/38

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m guessing that you ‘belabor the point’ (read: nag) because you don’t feel like your concerns are heard and acknowledged if you just simply state them once. That’s totally understandable, but should be a separate issue from the nagging.

If you are just getting so mad and frustrated that it’s coming out as nagging or yelling at your husband, you need to find a new outlet. I have an anger issue too, and it’s helped tremendously by running. I know that exercise is kind of the cliche solution for anger, but it really, really helps. And the other benefit is that running, getting into shape, and feeling your body get stronger over time is a HUGE self-esteem boost. I can definitely tell a difference in my mood and temper when I’m working out vs when I’m out with an injury. I don’t NEED to be right all the time and I’m much more able to shrug things off with a ‘whatever’ when I know I’m right but it isn’t worth fighting about. When you feel good about yourself, you have a lot less to prove. And if you can get your husband working out too, you’ll have the most peaceful home in the neighborhood.

This is not to say that you should head out the door for a workout every time you feel the need to confront your husband about something. When two people live together, they will have to bring up annoyances and work around each other. But don’t bring them up when you’re freshly angry and prone to blowing things out of proportion. Calm down for a little while, and then later just casually say “Hey, I’ve been having a hard time with ______, is there anything we can do to make this easier/better/faster/etc?” It’s much better to enlist in your husband’s help with solving a problem than it is to throw the problem in his face and make it “his fault”. You say you have a wonderful husband, and most wonderful husbands do want to do things that make their wives happy and avoid things that upset them. But husbands, like everyone else, want to be asked kindly for their assistance, not confronted with by an angry, blame-y, nag.

And finally, don’t be afraid to go to counseling, secular or religious. This isn’t about “saving your marriage” or airing dirty laundry and grievances-and you shouldn’t frame it that way because you will probably upset or freak out your husband. Just make it about learning how to communicate with each other. You feel unheard, he feels berated, and he can’t live like this anymore, by his own admission. Even just a few sessions with someone to help you figure out how to get a point across to each other without causing a fight would be beneficial.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi, I am married , and have a problem reacting quickly in anger , often to my husband. And
he is getting EXTREMELY tired of putting up with it.
I know that because I get worried about little things ( I can’t find this or that, and blame it on
my husband for not putting it away) or worried about his lack of manners in front of company and what they will think.
Sometimes, I know I"M RIGHT about certain things, and I’ll criticize him for things.
He is a WONDERFUL husband, and we’ve been getting along pretty good lately. It’s just
that once in a while I slip and say something (usually I feel justified) but I usually belabor the point. He is saying he can’t* live* like that anymore.
And I am afraid I must change, or else. REALLY, he’s serious.

My problem is, I do get excited over little things. It’s hard to let go. I don’t want to lose my husband over this.
Has anyone been through this, and has any advice? It’s real hard to change, because it just
happens so fast.

I have a huge temper myself (just like my dad and one of my grandmas and a great-grandma), so I’ve been working on this lately. I’m not critical, though, so it’s a somewhat different situation.

I think you should probably work with a therapist on modifying your behaviors (and consider the possibility that you may need medication), but here are some thoughts:

–Don’t argue or be critical before meals or after what should have been your bedtime. You may just be hungry or exhausted. Eat and rest and see if it looks like such a big deal after that. Learn to say, “Let’s talk about this after dinner” or “Let’s talk about this tomorrow morning.”
–Don’t put looking good to other people over your relationship with your husband (the table manners exception). Also, bear in mind that for most people, laying into a spouse in public is almost always deemed a much bigger offense than whatever triggered the outburst. Any time people yell at a spouse in public, that is almost always seen as 10X worse than whatever it was the spouse did.
–One thing I’ve learned recently from advice columns I read is that a lot of us come from family cultures where anger is the only acceptable negative emotion to express and all other negative emotions are seen as a sign of weakness, and hence all negative emotions winding coming out as anger. People in those cultures view anger as a display of strength, rather than weakness (which is what it really is). My family is very WASP and that’s what I grew up around. Is that your family culture, too?
–Slow down.
–Remember the 5/1 ratio thingy–you should provide at least 5 positive equal interactions for every negative interaction with your husband. If you blow up, you need to “pay” with 5 equal positive interactions–is it really worth it to you?

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

Oh, and consider the possibility that you might need a full psychological evaluation. It’s possible that your anger is a symptom of OCD or bipolar or something like that and that you have a chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected.

Good luck!

 

[Dorothy]

Prayer helps much! Especially meditating on the Passion of our Lord Jesus Christ daily.

Words can hurt a lot! And daily earnest prayer will help you check your tongue.

God bless you for wanting to do the right thing.

 

[Della]

I can nag, too, for which I take all the blame. No husband (or wife) in the world is perfect in their spouse’s eyes. No one. Don’t expect what your husband cannot give you–perfection.

You are frustrated because you want to be perfect in everything you do–I know, I suffer from the same thing. It’s impossible. So, don’t do it. Let it go. Say to yourself, I’m allowed to make mistakes and so is my husband/my family/my friends, etc.

And cultivate gratitude. Give thanks for all the little things in your life and for all the good things in your husband. Thank him often. Be courteous at all times. Say please and thank you. Never hold a grudge. Kiss him before he goes to work and kiss him when he gets home. Take his coat, give him his favorite beverage, dote on him. You won’t be spoiling him, you’ll be giving him love. You’ll see a huge change in how he reacts to you and how he anticipates your words. Trust me, it works.

Again, let it go. It’s an act of your will. Don’t let the devil tell you that you can’t do it. You can. But be patient with yourself. It will take time. Give this problem to God. Will before him that you are going to be thankful and kind and keep your trap shut , even if you think you are right. It’s much better to be at peace that “right” over every little thing.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

Hi, I am married , and have a problem reacting quickly in anger , often to my husband. And
he is getting EXTREMELY tired of putting up with it.
I know that because I get worried about little things ( I can’t find this or that, and blame it on
my husband for not putting it away) or worried about his lack of manners in front of company and what they will think.
Sometimes, I know I"M RIGHT about certain things, and I’ll criticize him for things.
He is a WONDERFUL husband, and we’ve been getting along pretty good lately. It’s just
that once in a while I slip and say something (usually I feel justified) but I usually belabor the point. He is saying he can’t* live* like that anymore.
And I am afraid I must change, or else. REALLY, he’s serious.

My problem is, I do get excited over little things. It’s hard to let go. I don’t want to lose my husband over this.
Has anyone been through this, and has any advice? It’s real hard to change, because it just
happens so fast.

Go to confession about this. Go to the SAME confessor the next time, and the next time and the next time. Once you come to grips with how much this offends Our Lord and ask sincerely for His help you can recover from this terribly destructive habit. Go to Adoration and talk with Jesus about YOUR problem. He will help you so that you do not wind up losing your wonderful husband. I speak from experience here. You don’t need drugs, you need to rely on the sacraments and God’s help. Offending your husband also means you are offending Jesus. Habits die hard, but Jesus conquers all.

 

[Xantippe]

Go to confession about this. Go to the SAME confessor the next time, and the next time and the next time. Once you come to grips with how much this offends Our Lord and ask sincerely for His help you can recover from this terribly destructive habit. Go to Adoration and talk with Jesus about YOUR problem. He will help you so that you do not wind up losing your wonderful husband. I speak from experience here. You don’t need drugs, you need to rely on the sacraments and God’s help. Offending your husband also means you are offending Jesus. Habits die hard, but Jesus conquers all.

I don’t think we can say that the OP doesn’t need drugs if we don’t know her and we aren’t trained psychiatrists.

Uncontrollable anger is typical of a number of psychiatric conditions that can be managed with medication. (One of our friends discovered this well into his 40s–his hot temper was a symptom of his bipolar and it cost him at least one marriage, possibly two.)

She may need all of the above: regular confession, therapy, and medication and whatever else she can get.

 

[TerrySong]

You are frustrated because you want to be perfect in everything you do–

. Give this problem to God. Will before him that you are going to be thankful and kind and keep your trap shut , even if you think you are right. It’s much better to be at peace that “right” over every little thing.

Yes, I have trouble wanting to be perfect in everything. And as a result, I’m constantly not
measuring up!
As for the other posts about getting exercise and taking medication. Yes, the exercise
does help me feel calmer, and when I don’t do it, I’m more irritable. I do take medication
already and we’ve been to counseling in the past. Actually, he thinks I’ve come a long way, as far as what I’ve been able to accomplish lately, my energy level,etc. When I was on too much medication it was a disaster.

Definitely letting myself get too tired or hungry can set me off,also, big-time.

But I think I need to make a conscious decision not to allow myself to say mean things
to other people. It’s kind of like a wife-beater: how do they stop?

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, I have trouble wanting to be perfect in everything. And as a result, I’m constantly not
measuring up!
As for the other posts about getting exercise and taking medication. Yes, the exercise
does help me feel calmer, and when I don’t do it, I’m more irritable. I do take medication
already and we’ve been to counseling in the past. Actually, he thinks I’ve come a long way, as far as what I’ve been able to accomplish lately, my energy level,etc. When I was on too much medication it was a disaster.

Definitely letting myself get too tired or hungry can set me off,also, big-time.

But I think I need to make a conscious decision not to allow myself to say mean things
to other people. It’s kind of like a wife-beater: how do they stop?

It sounds like you are already doing a lot.

I wonder if you don’t need some better focused individual therapy, if you have already done counseling in the past.

Actually, come to think of it, there is such a thing as anger management. I was just looking on Amazon, and there seem to be a million books and workbooks.

Best wishes!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Yes, I have trouble wanting to be perfect in everything. And as a result, I’m constantly not
measuring up!
As for the other posts about getting exercise and taking medication. Yes, the exercise
does help me feel calmer, and when I don’t do it, I’m more irritable. I do take medication
already and we’ve been to counseling in the past. Actually, he thinks I’ve come a long way, as far as what I’ve been able to accomplish lately, my energy level,etc. When I was on too much medication it was a disaster.

Definitely letting myself get too tired or hungry can set me off,also, big-time.

But I think I need to make a conscious decision not to allow myself to say mean things
to other people. It’s kind of like a wife-beater: how do they stop?

So you’ve already taken a lot of proactive steps to solve the problem and you’re making gains! That’s awesome.

Now all you can really do is keep trying. You’re going to have to explain to your husband that you know you have a problem, you’re working on it, and you need his patience and help. When you start shouting, or nagging, or being overly critical, he needs to be able to call you out on it AND you have to be ready to hear it and ready to take a break for a few minutes to calm down before finishing the discussion.

This is not a problem that is going to go away over night. All you can do is your best, and ask your counselor, priest, and husband for their loving support.

 

[truetofaith]

I think every married couple has this problem every so often .

 

[Johann_du_Toit]

I have a problem with my temper too.(as well as use of inappropriate language).
My Priest advised me to pray the Jesus prayer daily or more to counter that It does work

 

[1ke]

Hi, I am married , and have a problem reacting quickly in anger , often to my husband. And
he is getting EXTREMELY tired of putting up with it.
I know that because I get worried about little things ( I can’t find this or that, and blame it on
my husband for not putting it away) or worried about his lack of manners in front of company and what they will think.
Sometimes, I know I"M RIGHT about certain things, and I’ll criticize him for things.
He is a WONDERFUL husband, and we’ve been getting along pretty good lately. It’s just
that once in a while I slip and say something (usually I feel justified) but I usually belabor the point. He is saying he can’t* live* like that anymore.
And I am afraid I must change, or else. REALLY, he’s serious.

My problem is, I do get excited over little things. It’s hard to let go. I don’t want to lose my husband over this.
Has anyone been through this, and has any advice? It’s real hard to change, because it just
happens so fast.

I can recommend two things.

First I really recommend the book Crucial Conversations. I think it would be immensely helpful to you in your communication with your husband. Read it, then read it again. Practice the techniques they teach. If you have the money (or maybe your company would send you if you are working in a professional career) then go to one of their classes, taught through Vital Smarts. While used heavily in business communication, many of the stories the author tells are personal life examples.

Secondly, on the heals of Crucial Conversations comes Dr Laura’s book The Care and Feeding of Husbands. Can’t say enough good things about this book.

Lastly, when all else fails, before opening your mouth chant to yourself, “would I rather be RIGHT or would I rather be MARRIED?” Do you want “I was right” on your tombstone? Or do you want “beloved wife”?

 

[benotagoat]

Go to confession about this. Go to the SAME confessor the next time, and the next time and the next time. Once you come to grips with how much this offends Our Lord and ask sincerely for His help you can recover from this terribly destructive habit. Go to Adoration and talk with Jesus about YOUR problem. He will help you so that you do not wind up losing your wonderful husband. I speak from experience here. You don’t need drugs, you need to rely on the sacraments and God’s help. Offending your husband also means you are offending Jesus. Habits die hard, but Jesus conquers all.

I agree with this post .Prayer, and asking Jesus to help you have faith and love instead of
criticism . You are trying to control all situations ,and you have fear because you do not put your faith in HIM .No to drugs ,as that is the route of defeat and dependence, only to be considered for a short ,very short time, in emergencies . But you do not have an emergency .

 

[Xantippe]

I agree with this post .Prayer, and asking Jesus to help you have faith and love instead of
criticism . You are trying to control all situations ,and you have fear because you do not put your faith in HIM .No to drugs ,as that is the route of defeat and dependence, only to be considered for a short ,very short time, in emergencies . But you do not have an emergency .

We aren’t supposed to give medical advice here.

The OP is on medication. Presumably, that’s because her actual doctor or psychiatrist has prescribed it.

The OP does truly have an emergency on her hands.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

I agree with this post .Prayer, and asking Jesus to help you have faith and love instead of
criticism . You are trying to control all situations ,and you have fear because you do not put your faith in HIM .No to drugs ,as that is the route of defeat and dependence, only to be considered for a short ,very short time, in emergencies . But you do not have an emergency .

Women often have hormonal imbalances which medicine can help manage. I would be concerned if it were pain medicine, but I believe an open and healthy discussion with your physician is a great place to start when repeated attempts fail. As I quoted before Sirach 38!

 

[TerrySong]

I agree with this post .Prayer, and asking Jesus to help you have faith and love instead of criticism . You are trying to control all situations ,and you have fear because you do not put your faith in HIM

Thank you to all the posters for your kind and thoughtful suggestions. And Ike, I will check
out those resources you mentioned.

Of course, more comments are always welcome. :console: