How do I stop reacting in anger?

[TerrySong]

It’s been awhile since I posted.
I got some supportive counseling; made no real improvements, stopped it, so we will start CBT soon.
My husband and I are very much up and down. He becomes angry with me but then blames
me for being angry. I get so tired, I cry,-- I do feel like going away, as Easter Joy suggested; my husband would probably love it. I’m kind of too depressed to take action.

I guess I’m just asking for prayers,because I’m just worn out. And I get down on myself when someone says bad things about me. That’s the thing I want to change the most
the fact that I get so incapacitated by a fight or what someone says about me…

Love and thanks—

 

[Historian14]

Lay it right at the foot of the Cross, and leave it there.

 

[dedo]

It’s been awhile since I posted.
I got some supportive counseling; made no real improvements, stopped it, so we will start CBT soon.
My husband and I are very much up and down. He becomes angry with me but then blames
me for being angry. I get so tired, I cry,-- I do feel like going away, as Easter Joy suggested; my husband would probably love it. I’m kind of too depressed to take action.

I guess I’m just asking for prayers,because I’m just worn out. And I get down on myself when someone says bad things about me. That’s the thing I want to change the most
the fact that I get so incapacitated by a fight or what someone says about me…

Love and thanks—

Hi Terry:

I am sorry you are struggling with this. I have not read the entire thread, so I am not sure what you already have tried. So I am sorry if I am suggesting something you have already tried.

I have just two suggestions:

1. Go on Amazon and order a book on anger. There are likely specific recommendations that that experts recommend.
2. Consider working your way up to 30 minutes / day of prayer, especially meditational prayer such as the Rosary and Lectio Divina.

The reason for this is that I believe all maladies of emotion are magnified on the plain of thought. When we train our mind to live in the present through meditational prayer, and not in the plain of thought, then it becomes much easier to control emotions such as anger.

Good luck.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s been awhile since I posted.
I got some supportive counseling; made no real improvements, stopped it, so we will start CBT soon.
My husband and I are very much up and down. He becomes angry with me but then blames me for being angry. I get so tired, I cry,-- I do feel like going away, as Easter Joy suggested; my husband would probably love it. I’m kind of too depressed to take action.

I guess I’m just asking for prayers,because I’m just worn out. And I get down on myself when someone says bad things about me. That’s the thing I want to change the most
the fact that I get so incapacitated by a fight or what someone says about me…

Love and thanks—

The idea is not to avoid ever getting angry. You are going to get angry, sometimes. He is going to get angry, sometimes. You are definitely going to have complaints about each other.

Ask these questions:
a) when you feel yourself becoming angry, do you ask yourself whether your anger is appropriate or not? Do you know what expectation is being violated? Do you ask yourself if it a realistic expectation? Is it realistic that it will be kept perfectly, or should mistakes be expected, too? Is your emotional reaction to this violation proportional or is it draconian? When your anger is appropriate in its reason but not in its magnitude, do you have any idea how to dial it down?
b) do you or your husband know how to handle violated expectations? Do you know how to lodge complaints and problem-solve? Do you know how to complain in a constructive way that offers some remote possibility of mutual support and problem-solving? Do either of you ever ask yourself to stop and think about whether your reaction has any prospect of leading to the end result you want? (Do you even stop to think what you want the other person to do to make things better?)
c) do you have any idea how little good blame ever does? Do you accept that successful problem solvers look for solutions rather than looking to identify someone to blame?
d) do you have any idea what your partner looks for when it is time to mend fences? Are you big enough to look to mend fences without litigating who gets what part of the “bill”?

From what you describe, neither one of you knows how to handle the expectations you have for life or for each other. Get some help. Get a lot. Work hard, persevere, pray, and hope for the best, but as surely as you would need help if you had been in a crippling car accident, you need help to heal and grow your marriage.

I’d also ask your husband to reiterate the situations where he enjoys being around you. Try to make those situations happen more often. Ask him to think back and ask if he can remember a time when you handled your anger better than other times. What was better about that time? Is that something you can consciously try to do? Can he help you by giving you a “stop–not this way!” word? If he can’t think of a single time, then ask him to imagine a situation where you honestly had a reason to be beside-yourself angry, and how he would imagine that situation being handled by each of you.

Again, I’d go find some John Gottman books about how to complain to each other in a constructive way, and I’d really suggest that you find someone who will help the two of you to figure out how to complain to each other in a constructive way. This “don’t get angry” thing is not going to fly. You have to learn how to handle getting angry and your husband needs to learn how to re-direct you in a way that works for both of you when you get angry.

 

[EasterJoy]

Another thought: When you are displeased, do you stop and think whether you are acting like someone that anyone is going to *want *to please? When you have messed up, don’t you want to please the merciful person who just wants to fix the damage with you far more than the person who condemns you and demands that you fix everything by yourself and immediately? Doesn’t condemnation solicit defensiveness in you, and even more so when you are in the wrong?

I have a rule: Apologize when you are wrong, but especially when you are NOT the most in the wrong. Why? Well, first off, it doesn’t matter who is the most in the wrong, but most of us judge ourselves more lightly and will give the tie to ourselves. Secondly and more importantly, though, apologizing is the hardest for the one who messed up the worst. They are the most embarrassed. They are the most defensive. They are the most fearful of condemnation. When they get mercy, reconciliation, and a desire to just fix the problem instead of they condemnation they expected, they very often melt.

What if you apologize and the most wrong person won’t even admit he is wrong at all? How many times have you been wrong and not admitted it? Consider apologizing and not getting a counter-apology part of your penance, like skipping desert because you’ve gained weight by taking seconds too often!

 

[TerrySong]

Another thought: When you are displeased, do you stop and think whether you are acting like someone that anyone is going to *want *to please? When you have messed up, don’t you want to please the merciful person who just wants to fix the damage with you far more than the person who condemns you and demands that you fix everything by yourself and immediately? Doesn’t condemnation solicit defensiveness in you, and even more so when you are in the wrong?

I have a rule: Apologize when you are wrong, but especially when you are NOT the most in the wrong. Why? Well, first off, it doesn’t matter who is the most in the wrong, but most of us judge ourselves more lightly and will give the tie to ourselves. Secondly and more importantly, though, apologizing is the hardest for the one who messed up the worst. They are the most embarrassed. They are the most defensive. They are the most fearful of condemnation. When they get mercy, reconciliation, and a desire to just fix the problem instead of they condemnation they expected, they very often melt.

What if you apologize and the most wrong person won’t even admit he is wrong at all? How many times have you been wrong and not admitted it? Consider apologizing and not getting a counter-apology part of your penance, like skipping desert because you’ve gained weight by taking seconds too often!

Your thoughts (and previous poster’s) are very helpful. This last paragraph especially is the hardest of all, of course, but worth thinking about.
The hardest part for me, is him labeling me “angry” when I’m just hurt, when he can see I’m crying, I’ve been quiet, alone (which I hate). It’s him labeling me, so that I see myself as kind of ugly ( i’m really not). I don’t want to do anything when I’m like this, and it’s Christmas.

 

[E_7]

If you are just getting so mad and frustrated that it’s coming out as nagging or yelling at your husband, you need to find a new outlet. I have an anger issue too, and it’s helped tremendously by running. I know that exercise is kind of the cliche solution for anger, but it really, really helps.

I haven’t read the whole thread yet ( just the first and last page), but I wanted to second what BlueEyedLady said. Running, really helps. For me, it works even better when I run outside and feel the breeze on my face, in all seriousness.

This is my Controlling Wrath recipe when I’m unable to run:
When you are starting to feel angry or when you experience something that might trigger it, THINK and SEE beforehand that there are really, in all seriousness, demons around you trying to make you fall. You have to see souls; know they are right there. And AFTER you realize that, act accordingly. Say no to the temptation and/or say a prayer (even a mini prayer). And after that, change the perspective and look at the bright side.

I’ve tried covering with a pillow and scream my lungs out until I fall backwards on my bed, and it works too.

Regarding apologizing, don’t just say I’m sorry, but add “what can I do to make it up to you…?”, “what can I do to amend what I’ve done?” I say that to hubby and he simply says “nothing, I forgive you.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Your thoughts (and previous poster’s) are very helpful. This last paragraph especially is the hardest of all, of course, but worth thinking about.
The hardest part for me, is him labeling me “angry” when I’m just hurt, when he can see I’m crying, I’ve been quiet, alone (which I hate). It’s him labeling me, so that I see myself as kind of ugly ( i’m really not). I don’t want to do anything when I’m like this, and it’s Christmas.

Angry and hurt are not two different things. People generally don’t get angry unless they perceive they have suffered some kind of an injury.

One of the things you learn to do when you learn to communicate is to avoid personal remarks and just stick to behaviors that are not working for both parties.

Again: the goal is not to avoid ever getting hurt or angry. You are going to violate each others’ expectations once in awhile. How can you help it? You violate your own expectations a dozen times a day, right?

The goals are: 1) to have examined and reasonable expectations, 2) to find a more productive way to try to get them met as often as possible, and 3) to expect and have plans for what you are going to do when your expectations are not met. If you have a Plan B for what you’ll do when things go wrong, you’ll be less likely to blow a gasket when you have to wave goodbye to your beloved Perfect Plan A. No one ever gets their Plan A every time. It doesn’t happen. Accept the reality of Plan B…and Plan C, and Plan D, and the “ordered retreat to allow the troops to survive and fight another day.”

One of the things you need to learn to expect is that you are going to hear things that hurt your feelings and occasionally it is going to be you that needs to step up and defuse the situation by getting past your hurt in order to respond instead of react.

I don’t expect you’re going to be able to do that without help any more than I’d say, “you need to learn to knit” or “you need to learn to drive a car” or “you need to learn a foreign language” and expect you to just go off and teach yourself. That would not be a realistic expectation. That would be an expectation that is essentially doomed to either failure or a success that is far too long and painful in coming, and maybe too late to save your marriage.

Swallow your pride and get help from any quarter you can get it. I don’t just mean a counsellor. I mean brain-storm with your counsellor and your husband about how to recognize a counter-productive reaction, how to stop it, how to get help to do something different in real time. Like a coach in a basketball game and/or your teammates–someone who can say, “run this play” or “no, you’re trying to force this but you really need to be doing this.” Don’t be the player that tries to make up for fouls by doing everything her own way.

 

[Eric_Hyom]

Anger is like picking up a burning coal, with the intention of throwing it at the person who angers you, and the person who gets burned the most is you. The longer you hold onto this burning coal of anger, the hotter it becomes, one year, ten years, where does it end?

The person who angers you, controls you, even when they are miles away, they control what goes on in your head. You are a kind and caring person, and you are being forced to be angry, when it is not in your nature to be unkind.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and to find that prisoner is you.

 

[EasterJoy]

[Anger is like picking up a burning coal, with the intention of throwing it at the person who angers you, and the person who gets burned the most is you. The longer you hold onto this burning coal of anger, the hotter it becomes, one year, ten years, where does it end?

The person who angers you, controls you, even when they are miles away, they control what goes on in your head. You are a kind and caring person, and you are being forced to be angry, when it is not in your nature to be unkind.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and to find that prisoner is you.

When we have an automatic or compulsive reaction that masters us so much that we cannot choose to respond, instead, that is a kind of slavery.

These automatic ways of reacting aren’t just turned off, though. The person who has them has to recognize them coming and has to have an alternative action ready. You don’t just stop a habit. You replace a bad habit you do not want with a better habit that you have chosen, a habit you can realistically attain when you’re in the state at the top of the greased slope leading to the unwanted reaction.

For many people, the habit is to stop and count to ten. As Thomas Jefferson put it, “When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.” That was a man with a volcanic temper, but he was taught to master it.

The OP might just say to her husband, “I feel like I’m going to react, here. Give me a few minutes.” The understanding needed in advance is that she’s not saying she has some “right” to be upset or angry when she asks for a time out. It is just the way she is feeling, and she has learned it is a feeling she cannot ignore without someone getting hurt.

The other thing, however, is to look at the expectations whose violations trigger her anger. If she learns to expect the things she is more likely to get, she’ll feel flooded with anger less often. For instance, a parent who “loses it” when her child loses it needs to convince herself to expect that her child is going to lose it and that it is her work to cope with it. If she expects childish misbehavior, it will anger her less. “I expect that you will break the rules once in awhile, and I expect myself to deal with this as part of my work of correcting you as your mother.”
[/quote]

 

[1990Domer]

Hi, I am married , and have a problem reacting quickly in anger , often to my husband. And
he is getting EXTREMELY tired of putting up with it.
I know that because I get worried about little things ( I can’t find this or that, and blame it on
my husband for not putting it away) or worried about his lack of manners in front of company and what they will think.
Sometimes, I know I"M RIGHT about certain things, and I’ll criticize him for things.
He is a WONDERFUL husband, and we’ve been getting along pretty good lately. It’s just
that once in a while I slip and say something (usually I feel justified) but I usually belabor the point. He is saying he can’t* live* like that anymore.
And I am afraid I must change, or else. REALLY, he’s serious.

My problem is, I do get excited over little things. It’s hard to let go. I don’t want to lose my husband over this.
Has anyone been through this, and has any advice? It’s real hard to change, because it just
happens so fast.

As the daughter of a mom like this, growing up in my household scared the daylights out of me. I am still having repercussions at 47. My dad was so passive, he let it roll off his back but did nothing to help my mom.

My best personal advice…seek out a good psychiatrist who can medicate you (if needed) but also get at the root of your issue. This is not a hopeless situation, but you have to take the first step.

 

[1990Domer]

OP, I just read the whole thread and there sounds like both of you can benefit from CBT. I came from a toxic family, but so did my husband. It took him a lot longer to come around and see that he was adding to the negatives in our marriage. We did got to counseling individually and separately.

It may take a while to find the right counselor and/or medication. I have been through a few. I have now found a gem who finally addressed my issues. All of them are family of origin, and they hurt immensely. But, all in all, he took me from the a very dark night of the soul to understanding the whys and hows of the bad habits I learned. I put a lot of misplaced anger on my husband. I learned that now, and it was very empowering.

I am not sure if you have children, but as best you can, work on these issues if you decide to have children.

I will also take your intentions to Czestochowa Shrine tomorrow and present them to Our Lady.

 

[EasterJoy]

As the daughter of a mom like this, growing up in my household scared the daylights out of me. I am still having repercussions at 47. My dad was so passive, he let it roll off his back but did nothing to help my mom.

My best personal advice…seek out a good psychiatrist who can medicate you (if needed) but also get at the root of your issue. This is not a hopeless situation, but you have to take the first step.

Yes–it is sensible to treat this as other destructive habitual ways of acting are treated. Go to the professionals and have organic contributions either ruled out or treated. Get help to change the behavior by being willing to get down to the contributing factors and seek healing there.

It is vitally important that she save her marriage, but it is also vitally important that she find a cure for this way of experiencing the world. It is not happy to be overwhelmed by feelings of anger so often. That is not the purpose of anger, and anger does have a purpose.

Anger is supposed to be our sentinel, not our master. It is only meant to keep us from sleeping through injustices that are our duty to challenge. It is not meant to be a nuclear device ready to go off indiscriminately.

 

[1990Domer]

Yes–it is sensible to treat this as other destructive habitual ways of acting are treated. Go to the professionals and have organic contributions either ruled out or treated. Get help to change the behavior by being willing to get down to the contributing factors and seek healing there.

It is vitally important that she save her marriage, but it is also vitally important that she find a cure for this way of experiencing the world. It is not happy to be overwhelmed by feelings of anger so often. That is not the purpose of anger, and anger does have a purpose.

Anger is supposed to be our sentinel, not our master. It is only meant to keep us from sleeping through injustices that are our duty to challenge. It is not meant to be a nuclear device ready to go off indiscriminately.

EasterJoy, all your posts have been so accurate. Anger does come from being hurt or rejected or injured. My therapist gave me a a calm, direct three step way to deal with anger, as I learned an unhealthy way and didn’t want to pass it on to my child (and have yet another generation of unhealthy, coping family members). Thank you for your posts. They helped me too! Merry Christmas.

 

[Nelka]

I had a problem years ago and would pray for humility with the efficacious novena to the sacred heart.

 

[Sarcelle]

Yes–it is sensible to treat this as other destructive habitual ways of acting are treated. Go to the professionals and have organic contributions either ruled out or treated. Get help to change the behavior by being willing to get down to the contributing factors and seek healing there.

It is vitally important that she save her marriage, but it is also vitally important that she find a cure for this way of experiencing the world. It is not happy to be overwhelmed by feelings of anger so often. That is not the purpose of anger, and anger does have a purpose.

Anger is supposed to be our sentinel, not our master. It is only meant to keep us from sleeping through injustices that are our duty to challenge. It is not meant to be a nuclear device ready to go off indiscriminately.

Love your idea about anger as a sentinel.

I must say that as I get older, I am having more success with keeping this sentinel under control and making it aware of the chain of command.

 

[TK421]

@OP:

If you struggle a lot with anger now it probably means you’re always going to be vulnerable to it.

I would work more on being an independent person and improving your self-esteem. People with low self-esteem are easier wounded by words, which means they’re also more vulnerable to anger. If you have a healthy self-esteem, it doesn’t mean you stop caring, but some insensitive words aren’t going to shut you down. There’s a huge difference between being insulted, and being insulted and - on some level - believing what they say.

You build self-esteem by doing things, especially new things.

 

[TerrySong]

The other thing, however, is to look at the expectations whose violations trigger her anger. If she learns to expect the things she is more likely to get, she’ll feel flooded with anger less often. For instance, a parent who “loses it” when her child loses it needs to convince herself to expect that her child is going to lose it and that it is her work to cope with it. If she expects childish misbehavior, it will anger her less. “I expect that you will break the rules once in awhile, and I expect myself to deal with this as part of my work of correcting you as your mother.”

Yes, this awareness has helped me lately, regarding expectations.
I’ve also been more aware of my inner reactions when something someone says triggers my anger.

 

[TerrySong]

@OP:

If you struggle a lot with anger now it probably means you’re always going to be vulnerable to it.

I would work more on being an independent person and improving your self-esteem. People with low self-esteem are easier wounded by words, which means they’re also more vulnerable to anger. If you have a healthy self-esteem, it doesn’t mean you stop caring, but some insensitive words aren’t going to shut you down. There’s a huge difference between being insulted, and being insulted and - on some level - believing what they say.

You build self-esteem by doing things, especially new things.

I appreciate this, TK.

 

[guanophore]

It’s been awhile since I posted.
I got some supportive counseling; made no real improvements, stopped it, so we will start CBT soon.
My husband and I are very much up and down. He becomes angry with me but then blames
me for being angry. I get so tired, I cry,-- I do feel like going away, as Easter Joy suggested; my husband would probably love it. I’m kind of too depressed to take action.

I guess I’m just asking for prayers,because I’m just worn out. And I get down on myself when someone says bad things about me. That’s the thing I want to change the most
the fact that I get so incapacitated by a fight or what someone says about me…

Love and thanks—

CBT should help you immensly Terry. This is a very scripturally sound approach to managing emotions.

Here is some cool stuff to get you started.