How do I tell my Mother I don't feel safe around her?

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Riman643

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My mother does not believe abortion is wrong. This has caused me to feel unsafe around her and I try to avoid her as much as possible. If she feels like I am a human that can be discarded without any consideration even just seconds before birth, I don’t want to be around her and I definitely would never let her around any potential grandchildren. She talked about grandchildren the other day and I wanted to tell her that I would rather be tortured to death than let her near any of my children but I feel that would have caused more harm to our relationship than good. She has noticed I have become very distant but I’m sure what to say to a woman who clearly doesn’t value the life of her own children or let her know that’s why I am distant from her without her taking offense.
 
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Does she seriously support abortion all the way up until birth? Or has she not been specific? Because most people agree with limiting abortion to x-number of weeks because it gets hard to deny the baby’s humanity when it starts looking like one.
 
Ask your mom if she’d have aborted you if she could. I am serious. (For the record, my mother is very pro-life).
 
Throughout history, it hasn’t been uncommon for people to recognize that people from one group are really people–people they’d die for!–whereas these same people who would die for someone they recognize as a fellow human somehow fail to see other people from a different group as actual people.

These are not amoral people. They are people who suffer from a moral blind spot. There is actually a difference.

If you would really “rather be tortured to death” than to allow someone who doesn’t see the immorality of abortion, you’re probably going to need to move. Where? I don’t know. As far as I know, they don’t have children living at the Vatican. The Evil One has not been idle; this is is an incredibly pervasive blind spot. If you really aren’t ready to be quite so extreme, then the first thing to do is to stop allowing yourself to use such extreme rhetoric with yourself.

I can understand why you feel so upset. Try telling your mother how you feel: “Mom, when you said you don’t believe abortion is wrong, it immediately dawned on me that you wouldn’t have seen any problem with ending my life before I was born. I’m here because I’m lucky enough that you happened to want me at the time I came along? I see children as children just the same before they’re born as after, and so I feel about as I would if you’d said that it is OK for parents to get rid of older children they don’t want. Honestly, I don’t feel safe around you.”

If you don’t know how to talk about feelings like that with your mom–stay far off of the topic of grandchildren for the time being!–then find someone who can help you explain your feelings. Considering how deep the feelings are and that your mom has noticed the change in your relationship, you’ll probably want to tell her what is up, but if you have any doubts, do not take advice from the cheap seats!! Find a way to talk this over with your pastor.

Whatever you do, don’t ever tell anyone that you’d rather be tortured to death than allow them around a child. I cannot think of a single situation where that is a good idea.
 
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Is this the only reason why you feel distant from your mother? Did you have a good relationship before she told you her views about abortion? If so, I don’t quite understand why you should feel so estranged from her because of this. Surely you can disagree with her and talk to her about your feelings if you are on good terms otherwise. And one last question: how often has she expressed her views about abortion? Is it a topic she talks about a lot?
 
I don’t see how bringing up a separate thread helps with my current situation about feeling unsafe around a parent.
 
Is this the only reason why you feel distant from your mother? Did you have a good relationship before she told you her views about abortion? If so, I don’t quite understand why you should feel so estranged from her because of this.
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Well our relationship hasn’t been great for many reasons. I feel estranged because apparently I’m just a piece of human garbage in her eyes. Had I been discarded in the womb, I would mean nothing to her.
Surely you can disagree with her and talk to her about your feelings if you are on good terms otherwise. And one last question: how often has she expressed her views about abortion? Is it a topic she talks about a lot?
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Not something she talks about often but is offended that I take an anti-abortion stance. There is no way to simply “disagree” with someone who has no issues with me being torn limb from limb and having my skull crushed and brain vacuumed out. I don’t feel safe around her because of that and I definitely wouldn’t feel safe with any of my potential kids around her. Now that I am older and starting to think about marriage and starting a family, I couldn’t imagine going into fatherhood thinking a child was a piece of trash until I deemed it “worthy”.
 
It lets the readers of your thread know the feelings you have your parents and the disdain you have for them because they don’t believe as you do, but they are providing you with food, shelter, and a college education. You’re an adult - if you’re scared of your mother because she doesn’t feel abortion is wrong, then MOVE OUT!
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That’s way oversimplifying my situation. You clearly don’t care for me for whatever reason. I’m looking for actual solutions to my current problem. If you want to rag on me personally send me a pm instead biasing others who could actually help me.
 
You should ruminate on these words from Jesus:
For God said, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and ‘Whoever curses father or mother shall die.’ But you say, ‘Whoever says to father or mother, “Any support you might have had from me is dedicated to God,” need not honor his father.’ You have nullified the word of God for the sake of your tradition. Hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy about you when he said,
This people honors me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines human precepts.
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–Matthew 15:4-9
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There is no evidence that people who support abortion are more likely to callously murder adults or (already born) children. Despite what they may say, for most people, the idea of abortion is a mere mental abstraction for them. That is why the idea of forcing expectant mothers to receive ultrasounds prior to abortions faces so much resistance from those are pro-choice–because it takes away the abstraction and forces them to face the reality of the act.

Believing in abortion as a mental abstraction or a matter of principle is very different from holding an actual child in your arms and murdering them. The people who would do that typically have deeply ingrained psychological problems and a history of criminal behavior. You’ve stated nothing here to suggest your mother falls into that category.

What appears to be the case is that you have some sort of resentment in your heart that is blinding you to the reality of your situation, and preventing you from seeing your mother clearly. And you are using your faith to justify that resentment. But a religion of love should never be used to justify hate. Jesus showed love even to his oppressors.

You seem to take your faith very seriously, so follow the advice of Jesus on this matter:
Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother’s eye. – Matthew 7:5
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Negative emotions always prevent us from seeing reality clearly. When you can honestly say you have not one trace of resentment or ill will in your heart, then, and only then, will you be able to make an unbiased determination of whether or not your mother is “unsafe.” I strongly suspect she perfectly safe to be around, for both you and any of your future children.
 
OP, have you considered talking to a counselor? I think that how you’re feeling is something bigger than we at CAF can solve. Obviously you’re angry and feeling betrayed. It also seems to me that you feel worthless to your mother. Talk to a counselor about how best to discuss this with your mother.
 
Sweet Rimen,
Her belief in abortion is separate from te joy she has in you & her children & grandchildren. Many ppl would rather see a baby aborted than brought into an abusive home. My one daughter is adamant about it. If she were to get pregnant w a handicapped child, she would abort it. She doesn’t want kids to suffer. SIGH! No problem yet. My ways of stopping child abuse turns me into a fascist, she told me. HMMM FASCIST vs CHILD ABUSE(?) IDK.
There was a pro life movie out. Parents pro-life. Daughter worked in an abortion clinic. OT ended well. Go see it w your Mom.
We have to give ppl permission to be imperfect. How can they see the love of Jesus, if we judge them & stay away from them. I’ll bet, if you got pregnant & said, you were having an abortion, she’d throw a fit,
There is a part of Jesus in every creation. Look for it, in her.,
Moms day is coming. Love your Mom, again.
Blessed Mother, help Rimen see You, in her Mom. Holy Spirit, give her Wisdom to understand the complexities of life & Mom & Daughter relationships. in Jesus name. Amen
 
Riman643 said:
Is this the only reason why you feel distant from your mother? Did you have a good relationship before she told you her views about abortion? If so, I don’t quite understand why you should feel so estranged from her because of this.
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You honestly think.your mother -.who presumably cpuld have but chose to NOT discard you or have your brains sucked out, before birth, thinks you are garbage?

You think she has spent all this time caring for you, feeding, clothing, sheltering and educating you, all.the while.actualy thinking you are a piece of trash? Who does stuff like that for trash? Why would she bother with any of it if you mean nothing to her?

I work with parents who neglect and abuse their children, who genuinely treat them.like trash. Trust me, your parents sound nothing like them.

ETA - my parents are very knowledgeable and loving Catholics wbo spared no effort i making sure all of their.children were brought up in the faith. Guess what- some of us STILL left the Church including myself for a time, and some.have not returned.

So the idea that having devout parents smooths the path of a child’s faith is wrong, pure and simple. It is something every person at the end of the day has to work on for themselves.
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Lou2U said:
OP, have you considered talking to a counselor? I think that how you’re feeling is something bigger than we at CAF can solve. Obviously you’re angry and feeling betrayed. It also seems to me that you feel worthless to your mother. Talk to a counselor about how best to discuss this with your mother
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This. I agree
 
Try to take the argument back to a common point of view. Your mom is not a demon. Shes a human and loved by God very very much, as much as you are. I agree you should ask her reasons and listen. Jesus who is God, sat in the temple (at the tender age of 12) and listened to the scibes and teachers before teaching them. He who is God listened. We can all learn from that. Chances are like many pro choice people your mom is concerned about the woman who is 'stuck ’ with a baby after abuse rape etc. or even those in extreme poverty who find themselves pregnant yet again and unable to feed their children or young teens pregnant, the list is endless. We are concerned about those things too. She just hasn’t concerned herself with the tiny person who can’t yet speak. This isn’t cos she’s a bad person just uneducated and blinded by sin and let’s face who hasn’t been? Let’s not get into throwing stones, none of is able to be the first there. Seek the humble path here. Your mom doesn’t deserve to be avoided even if she won’t change her view point. Your job is to bring the good news to her and love her, even if she turns out to be your enemy. God’s job is to convert her heart. So listen and tell her your views and let God do his job. Then accept his will in the outcome, all in His time. But above all love your mother as yourself, either way.
 
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Riman643 said:
She talked about grandchildren the other day and I wanted to tell her that I would rather be tortured to death than let her near any of my children but I feel that would have caused more harm to our relationship than good.
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Have you considered seeing a counselor or other mental health professional? I will be honest - unless you have some history of being seriously abused by your mother, this statement seems unusual. This thread coupled with your previous thread suggests that you have some kind of an issue with your family that is beyond the scope of this forum to advise upon. I really think you should seek some professional help to deal with your extreme feelings towards your mother - both parents actually if we include your other thread.
 
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Riman643 said:
So I’m supposed to feel safe letting my Mother hold a new born child when just seconds before she would be okay with it’s slaughter?
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Has your mother actually said she’d be okay with this? 😮

There is a huge difference between “I support the legality of abortion” and “I would, without hesitation, obtain an abortion myself.” I unfortunately know lots of people who hold the first belief. Fortunately, I know very, very few people who hold the second.
 
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UpUpAndAway said:
There is a huge difference between “I support the legality of abortion” and “I would, without hesitation, obtain an abortion myself.” I know lots of people who hold the first belief. I know very, very few people who hold the second.
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Even among people who might obtain an abortion themselves, most of them, probably the vast majority of them, would not be okay with a late term abortion, certainly not with killing the baby “seconds” before it was born when it could easily survive outside the womb.
 
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