How do I weather a bad marriage with grace?

  • Thread starter Thread starter lolmom
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
whatevergirl said:
Let me ask you …what kind of relationship, if any, does he have with his mom? *
Click to expand...
i see what your saying and i should have seen it when we were dating - he speaks of her as “crazy” and treats her terrible, like one of his tools, only visiting his parents when he needs something (they are only 20 minutes away) - most of the time $ and he is a professional 30-something-year old man.

THAT BEING SAID, this is a problem with his ENTIRE family. He is 1 of 8 children and while they portray themselves as an accepting loving catholic family behind closed doors they are backstabbing and gossiping about anyone who isnt one of that original 10 family unit…the inlaws and even some of the grandchildren/nieces and nephews. Out of the 8 of them 3 are divorced and 2 have moved away so they can maintain a decent relationship with their family while not being constantly in the middle of the drama (although MIL keeps them updated via the phone…).

The parents and siblings constantly defend each others bad behavior- it’s a hard situation to be in especially since my husband is considered the “good one” and to an extent he is. For example, i’ve SEEN my brother in law force his daughter steal a prize at a local theme park and then ground her when she started crying about stealing. …my husband would NEVER do that - he is amazing with kids BUT he WOULD steal something and keep it for himself.

ok i am rambling now back to the original question, his relationship with his mom; he takes and takes, and she keeps allowing him to even enabling and excusing his poor behavior, never holding him accountable for his actions. Yes i definitely see the connection but what can I do, I’ve threatened to leave but he knows I can’t and that all i can do is make empty threats. i just am not in a position to leave b/c i lose almost everything if i do (i will still have my kids (but no way to provide for them) and my sibling - but he is moving to europe in 2 months), the only friends i have are his friends, my home will be gone, i work from home with clients he found for me - so those will be gone, he put the vehicles in his name, one child is in a “gifted” school which i can not afford alone…it just goes on and on - i know i sound pathetic - all material reasons, i just think that i should keep trying and praying until something works rather than turn the kids lives upside-down (b/c he is good with them) - i know Gods bigger than this mess i made for myself I just need his help cleaning it up 😉

Thank you for all of the responses and prayers
 
*First, you do not sound pathetic. :console:

Second, therein lies the problem, his mom/family. You know, every one of us has some dysfunction here and there in our families, in our pasts. But, the key to what you say here…he uses his mom as a “tool”…ugh. My heart sank reading that. 😦 BUT, she enabled it. :o That is why he treats you with little respect, sadly. The human mind has a hard time separating what we missed in childhood, and what we want as adults. There becomes no gap between the two, if you will…if a person has an extremely dysfunctional set of parents, much of the time, he/she becomes his/her own version of that dysfunction. For your husband, sounds like his mother’s enabling ways, has crossed over to him expecting you to enable him. He is still stuck, in a sense, in adolescent mode. He needs some serious counseling. Without that, your marriage will just continue like this…you’re not his counselor. He needs an objective person to get to the root of his issues.

That said, keep praying for your marriage to get better. With God, all things are possible.

In regards to leaving, if you are not working, you stand a good chance of being far from penniless if you were to divorce. Just saying, don’t let money ever keep you in a toxic situation. I don’t advocate divorce, but all I’m saying is don’t let your fear of finances keep you in a bad situation.

I am praying things get better. I pray for your husband. Be strong…don’t take abuse from him…don’t take nonsense from him. If he wants to pout, ignore you, I say…whatever. He needs to stop being enabled, as his mom once did. Sometimes, God places us in people’s lives to improve them. :o My husband did this for me. I grew up with a lot of chaos, deaths…did it affect me? Yes, it most certainly did. Had it not been for the grace of God, and my husband…I would be single, and a really mean woman. He helped me see that I don’t have to be my past. Maybe, just maybe…this is your role here. Only God knows, but help your husband to improve, by changing the dynamic of things. I know THAT will be hard, because you don’t want to make waves…but living like a shadow is no way to live. You’re a child of God. He doesn’t want you to be fearful, and a shadow. Stand up for yourself…you deserve to be treated with respect. Keep saying that to yourself. Your husband just might change, if he knows no one is going to enable him anymore. Never know, stranger things have been known to happen! 😛

Praying much for you both. *
 
And while my dh was able to go to counseling - please do not take what I am saying as any advice that anyone should stay in a situation that is unsafe. I am lucky that the Holy Spirit placed a desire in my dh’s heart to work on it. If it hadn’t I would be divorced within the next couple months and be seeking anullment. I love him but I will not sacrifice my safety and/or security.
 
kage_ar said:
My best advice, stop nagging 🙂

God forgives and does not nag. We should be like Jesus to our husbands.

The book that helped ME stop nagging was Matthew Kelly “Seven Levels of Intimacy” (Catholic book) and a book I wish was around decades ago “Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” (not a Catholic book).
Click to expand...
As a man engaged to be married I can appriciate “don’t nag” 😉 But then again, in the same context I posted I also wouldn’t want my (to be in 1 yr) wife to just accept and support whatever the heck I do. I’m human, I make mistakes and some can be pretty bad. I do personally apprciate the occational reality check. But then again, that’s just me and clearly my POV is different from this man’s.

So… Don’t nag… Yeah that is still advice. And I mean this in the context of maybe not every little fault needs to be brought up, and perhaps unless a bad behaviour is not superficial, and is a regular thing then also be willing to let some things go after bringing them up for the first time. But I don’t know if I can endorse any woman to just accept any behaviour, just support any behaviour.

All that said, if the OP is comfortable (and hasn’t already I haven’t read through all of this), I am curious what types of behaviour we’re talking about. Poker night with the guys? Maybe not so bad… Constantly going to strip clubs? Ok… Huston, we have a problem.
 
Why on God’s green Earth would any American/Canadian/European woman consent to put up with any of this BS in Anno Domini 2009?! We have a choice! Freedom, independence, the ability to live on our own and have jobs to support ourselves…

I believe in the sanctity of marriage and its permanence, but I don’t think anyone is required to sacrifice their sanity or their safety (and the energy drink thing shows he is a threat to your safety) in order to live with their spouse. The Church herself recognizes that physical separation and even civil divorce are necessary at times, in the interests of justice and protection.
 
crazzeto said:
I am curious what types of behaviour we’re talking about. Poker night with the guys? Maybe not so bad… Constantly going to strip clubs? Ok… Huston, we have a problem.
Click to expand...
Its not that i’m uncomfortable i just didn’t know if anybody wanted to hear my whining…

In the past, 3 yrs ago - Inappropriate interactions with female co-workers (i’ve found texts of female “torsos” - covered but barely, racy emails, going out drinking with them after work, and smoking pot is all i’ve been able to prove) and presently driving drunk, not paying bills, and lying about everything until i have PHYSICAL proof and even then he will still try lying about what i found (ex. he used my car the other day and left an envelop that was suppose to have $50 for HIS dad in it, well the $ was gone and i asked him if he had taken it out? he said he hadn’t even looked at it; i started to freak out thinking someone broke into our garage and went through my car. he told me that was just ridiculous - one of us (meaning me or him) must have taken it. i was still freaking out b/c i didn’t take it and he said he didn’t. then the story changed and he said “oh, it must have fallen out when you picked it up” BUT i picked up an EMPTY envelop so the story changed again. he said “i SAID it must have fallen out when I opened it”. i should have left it there but i went on and on trying to wrap my brain around the situation but long story short (er) he never admitted to taking the money) so you can imagine the stories he came up with about the girls from work…

most recently though it’s been the lack of paying bills, taxes haven’t been paid, neither has the mortgage and utilities - he says that the “due date” is flexible b/c if it wasn’t they’d turn off/take away your things the next day…I know the advice will be to immediately take control of the finances and I DO every time he gets us into this mess (its been going on for 10 yrs) but then he starts emptying the bank acct as soon as he’s paid (he works for a bank) or changing the direct deposit OR taking $ from his parents. i do not know what he does with the $

none of this is worse than the constant lying though. i’m pretty easy going about a lot of things, if he wanted to hang with female friends or was having a hard time managing $ and told me it wouldn’t as bad as hiding things then lying when hes caught

ugh, wow that sounds really bad when i read it over 😦
 
Yeah, it sounds really bad.

Tell me again how he gets mad when YOU nag HIM?

Tell me again how YOU feel like you failed miserably?

:mad:

You need to talk to a lawyer. Before you’re kicked out on the street. Before you are incapable of getting credit in your own name.

Before the police take away your house because he is possessing drugs on the property.

Before the house gets repossessed because of nonpayment of taxes.

Before YOU get hauled into the IRS because HE is cheating on his income taxes (oh, yes he is, ma’am!) and you have to muster an innocent spouse defense. You sign that joint return? Then YOU are liable for what’s on it.

You and your kids will end up on the street. He’ll move back in with mommy and daddy.
YOU will be the loser.

How tolerant do you want to be with a liar… ? If you don’t have integrity, you don’t have anything.

THIS is what you do TOMORROW:

You go get yourself a PO box at the local post office. YOU get a credit card just in your name. YOU don’t tell him about it. YOU get a bank account just in your name. YOU start putting money aside each week. YOU don’t tell him about it.

He’s not looking out for you. You need to look out for yourself.

You’d be surprised how knowing you have that in reserve can help you deal with things with less panic.

I’d almost bet money he’s stealing from the bank. Because character cuts across the board. So does lack of character. Someone who would steal from the wife and kids would also steal from the boss. How long will he keep that job if he’s arrested for some other charge?

And yes, it does matter if utilities are paid on time. That affects your credit rating, your insurance rating, and your ability to get loans.

Start establishing your own credit apart from him. Please!

If he drives drunk and kills someone and goes to jail, YOU will need to be able to take care of yourself and your kids.

He’s a disaster waiting to happen.

It’s not whether you can weather this train wreck with grace. I’m amazed you’ve done it at all!
 
Dear, this is way more than what is covered by nagging - nagging is asking 17 times for someone to take out the trash and harping about it for weeks.

You two need some serious counseling.

Make an appointment NOW.
 
lolmom said:
Its not that i’m uncomfortable i just didn’t know if anybody wanted to hear my whining…

In the past, 3 yrs ago - Inappropriate interactions with female co-workers (i’ve found texts of female “torsos” - covered but barely, racy emails, going out drinking with them after work, and smoking pot is all i’ve been able to prove) and presently driving drunk, not paying bills, and lying about everything until i have PHYSICAL proof and even then he will still try lying about what i found (ex. he used my car the other day and left an envelop that was suppose to have $50 for HIS dad in it, well the $ was gone and i asked him if he had taken it out? he said he hadn’t even looked at it; i started to freak out thinking someone broke into our garage and went through my car. he told me that was just ridiculous - one of us (meaning me or him) must have taken it. i was still freaking out b/c i didn’t take it and he said he didn’t. then the story changed and he said “oh, it must have fallen out when you picked it up” BUT i picked up an EMPTY envelop so the story changed again. he said “i SAID it must have fallen out when I opened it”. i should have left it there but i went on and on trying to wrap my brain around the situation but long story short (er) he never admitted to taking the money) so you can imagine the stories he came up with about the girls from work…

most recently though it’s been the lack of paying bills, taxes haven’t been paid, neither has the mortgage and utilities - he says that the “due date” is flexible b/c if it wasn’t they’d turn off/take away your things the next day…I know the advice will be to immediately take control of the finances and I DO every time he gets us into this mess (its been going on for 10 yrs) but then he starts emptying the bank acct as soon as he’s paid (he works for a bank) or changing the direct deposit OR taking $ from his parents. i do not know what he does with the $

none of this is worse than the constant lying though. i’m pretty easy going about a lot of things, if he wanted to hang with female friends or was having a hard time managing $ and told me it wouldn’t as bad as hiding things then lying when hes caught

ugh, wow that sounds really bad when i read it over 😦
Click to expand...
Do you think he might have a gambling addiction, since money is disappearing? I have a friend whose husband was just as deceitful as yours appears to be. She stayed in the marriage for far too long. One day while at work, she got a call from her bank. All of her cheques (to pay household bills) had bounced. She tried to contact her husband (a cop, of all professions), but he wasn’t answering his phone. He had skipped town, after draining the joint bank account. He left her and their three children destitute. She had to sell household items in order to feed the children. Is this the kind of thing a spouse is supposed to put up with? I don’t think so. It is not healthy behavior.

If he is lying about things you have caught him on, what about the things you haven’t? He can throw this all back at you, but he has broken (and continues to) the trust between you both.
 
Please heed the above advice given by Liberanosamalo. You need a plan B…a way out. Until you take the steps Liberanosamalo outlined, your husband will certainly do what he can to keep you isolated and dependent on him. Break the dependance ASAP! By taking the steps she describes at least you can create some options for yourself and your kids.

Praying for you and your family.
 
I hope that you realize from all of the comments here that your situation requires more than just advice on how to “weather a bad marriage with grace.” Please consider taking the advice of the wise posters here who have gone through terrible situations before you. Be assured of our prayers and support.
 
lolmom said:
Its not that i’m uncomfortable i just didn’t know if anybody wanted to hear my whining…

In the past, 3 yrs ago - Inappropriate interactions with female co-workers (i’ve found texts of female “torsos” - covered but barely, racy emails, going out drinking with them after work, and smoking pot is all i’ve been able to prove) and presently driving drunk, not paying bills, and lying about everything until i have PHYSICAL proof and even then he will still try lying about what i found (ex. he used my car the other day and left an envelop that was suppose to have $50 for HIS dad in it, well the $ was gone and i asked him if he had taken it out? he said he hadn’t even looked at it; i started to freak out thinking someone broke into our garage and went through my car. he told me that was just ridiculous - one of us (meaning me or him) must have taken it. i was still freaking out b/c i didn’t take it and he said he didn’t. then the story changed and he said “oh, it must have fallen out when you picked it up” BUT i picked up an EMPTY envelop so the story changed again. he said “i SAID it must have fallen out when I opened it”. i should have left it there but i went on and on trying to wrap my brain around the situation but long story short (er) he never admitted to taking the money) so you can imagine the stories he came up with about the girls from work…

most recently though it’s been the lack of paying bills, taxes haven’t been paid, neither has the mortgage and utilities - he says that the “due date” is flexible b/c if it wasn’t they’d turn off/take away your things the next day…I know the advice will be to immediately take control of the finances and I DO every time he gets us into this mess (its been going on for 10 yrs) but then he starts emptying the bank acct as soon as he’s paid (he works for a bank) or changing the direct deposit OR taking $ from his parents. i do not know what he does with the $

none of this is worse than the constant lying though. i’m pretty easy going about a lot of things, if he wanted to hang with female friends or was having a hard time managing $ and told me it wouldn’t as bad as hiding things then lying when hes caught

ugh, wow that sounds really bad when i read it over 😦
Click to expand...
I’m not even sure to tell you, that’s absolutly terrible. As much as I hate to say it, the best practical advice was already given. Be prepared to get out of the marriage, because there might very well be no changing him. And this is coming from a guy who absolutely abhores the ‘D’ word. But in this case I think that there is a true and solid case for an Anullment, which makes the situation better. And I mean based no the “non specifics” you’ve posted here it really and truely sounds like you have a real and legitimate case for an Anullment. It sounds like this guy entered the marriage with false pretenses, that would make it an illegal marriage both in secular terms and in Gods eyes.

All that said, I guess I have to ask a few more questions. Have you tried counsoling? And I think in this case not only do you need couples/marriage counsoling but I think this guy needs it suggested to him that he needs individual counsoling? Also how would you describe his parents? Are they good people? Could you bring problems like these too them? It sounds like if you want to save this marriage (I think that it’s always admerable, but not always realistic) then you might need even their help, in the form of an intervention.

I’m so sorry that my best advice is the above. You have my greatest sympathies, and you and your husband will be in my prayers.
 
Here is what I did when I found out that money was missing etc: I opened my own bank account online and put my direct deposit into it. I then switched the bills to be paid from that account. You can do that. It’s your money too. And whatever happens you know you will have a roof over your head and your bills will be paid.
 
Another big thank you to everyone for all of their advice and support.

Yesterday was a pretty difficult day (facing 10 yrs of issues in a matter of hours). I have to admit today seems like I’m still in a bit of a haze. Reading the responses made me feel ridiculous to have “buried my head in the sand” but in my defense I thought I was doing what a good wife does - love and trust your husband unconditionally. But looking back I now see that I had been doing NEITHER. He’s screwed up many, many BIG times but everybody does and that doesn’t change the fact that I need to love him unconditionally and its going to be hard to do.

That being said I began the day by opening an online checking account and starting a novena to St. Rita. I feel its the right thing to do for my children not because I am going to leave but as a safeguard in case something happens to him (and quite frankly I don’t trust him and do not feel i know about everything he has gotten himself and this family involved in).

Baby steps I know but my dad always said you can eat an elephant if you take 1 bite at a time 😉
 
*That’s a good start, lolmom.

One thing…we are called to love unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean we accept sin from our spouses, and turn a blind eye to it. Jesus loves us unconditionally, but He doesn’t turn a blind eye to our sin, He convicts us in it, and asks us to change/repent. Love the sinner, hate the sin. In a marriage, when one spouse is living in perpetual sin, unwilling to change, it doesn’t necessarily cause the other spouse to stop loving the person, but rather…it might cause you to have to take an appropriate course of action to protect yourself and kids.

Praying for you and him during this tough time. I pray that he doesn’t hurt you any further, you don’t deserve to live like this on a daily/weekly basis, in confusion and fear. :console:*
 
lolmom said:
Another big thank you to everyone for all of their advice and support.

Yesterday was a pretty difficult day (facing 10 yrs of issues in a matter of hours). I have to admit today seems like I’m still in a bit of a haze. Reading the responses made me feel ridiculous to have “buried my head in the sand” but in my defense I thought I was doing what a good wife does - love and trust your husband unconditionally. But looking back I now see that I had been doing NEITHER. He’s screwed up many, many BIG times but everybody does and that doesn’t change the fact that I need to love him unconditionally and its going to be hard to do.

That being said I began the day by opening an online checking account and starting a novena to St. Rita. I feel its the right thing to do for my children not because I am going to leave but as a safeguard in case something happens to him (and quite frankly I don’t trust him and do not feel i know about everything he has gotten himself and this family involved in).

Baby steps I know but my dad always said you can eat an elephant if you take 1 bite at a time 😉
Click to expand...
I admire greatly your resolve, and it sounds like you are taking appropraite first steps. Additionally I admire your devotion to your childeren and their well being. I guess one thing I absoultly must suggest, try your best to minimize your husbands impact on their moral development. At least certainly unless he DOES have a major change of heart. Have a lot of honest talks with them about right and wrong. I will pray for your success.

Eventually, when you feel strong and ready… Please do confront him honestly about these issues. In a good marriage each spouse should be concerned for not just the physical, but also spiritual well being of the other. Spend a lot of time meditating and praying on how you might be able to influence his behavior. I would recommend praying the rosary on a regular basis, pray for the grace to influence your husband. Also pray for your childeren.
 
I would also recommend going to confession weekly. It will help deal with some of the anger. Although you may not be outwardly angry I am sure you are inwardly angry- you are one of God’s precious creations and deserve to be treated as one- especially by yourself. 😉
 
joandarc2008 said:
I would also recommend going to confession weekly. It will help deal with some of the anger. Although you may not be outwardly angry I am sure you are inwardly angry- you are one of God’s precious creations and deserve to be treated as one- especially by yourself. 😉
Click to expand...
Sometimes anger is good, especially if it can be used to get out of terrible situations. It can provide strength when you feel your life falling apart around you. There is such a thing as justified anger. I found anger was my strength when my marriage ended in disaster. I never expressed that anger in front of my children, but I used it to keep me from dissolving into fear and despair.

I am glad you are opening your own bank account. Now, you need to get your name off any joint credit cards and bank accounts. Get your own card before your spouse ruins your credit rating completely, or you will never be able to get one. He has NOT earned your trust, so do not trust him.
 
Ailina said:
Sometimes anger is good, especially if it can be used to get out of terrible situations. It can provide strength when you feel your life falling apart around you. There is such a thing as justified anger. I found anger was my strength when my marriage ended in disaster. I never expressed that anger in front of my children, but I used it to keep me from dissolving into fear and despair.

I am glad you are opening your own bank account. Now, you need to get your name off any joint credit cards and bank accounts. Get your own card before your spouse ruins your credit rating completely, or you will never be able to get one. He has NOT earned your trust, so do not trust him.
Click to expand...
I do agree with the plan of action however I do not agree that anger is a good emotion. Yes, it may drive us, but anger can cause us to do things for the wrong reasons. Anger is a secondary emotion usually caused by fear or hurt or both. You can do these things but better to be driven by love for your children, God, or and instinct for survival.

God bless you. Right now my hubby and I appear to be on a good six week upturn.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top