How do married people view singles

[cmscms]

A friend came over today and we did girl talk. And she wasked me ‘Do you want to be married?’ (she is married with kids). I answered the question trying to hide my akwardness by saying ‘I am not going to just marry anyone so I can have a token husband. I haven’t waited this long for any old thing’

The truth is, being 40 and never married is starting to get humiliating. People have often gave me the impression they wondered what was wrong with me. Men have often made it very clear straigth off the bat they were married (what made them think I was interested?) And I have to wonder if women are scared I will move in on their man.

I try hard to accept God’s will and if He does not see fit to send me a good husband I want to accept it. Why can’t society be more supportive? Do people feel sorry for me?

I guess it being the holiday week-end and having no family supper to go to does make it hard

CM

 

[MercyMia]

cmscms - Unfortunately, a lot of people just plain do not have any tact. If they weren’t being pushy and presumptuous about this issue in your life, it would be over another issue. Fussing over you not being married just lets them be distracted from the insecurities about their own path in life.
I say this as a very happily married 26 year old who has never spent a moment of her life wondering why other people are or aren’t married.
When people ask rude, prying questions or feel the need to tell you that they are “taken” just put the burden on them and ask “why do you ask” or “why would you say such a thing?” It puts the focus back on them and their intentions.

 

[eucharisteo]

Men wear their ball and chain with nervousness. We get nervous around some women that are single and if we have a wife that might be inclined to be jealous. I remember trying to help a young woman in college once not realizing she was playing me, at least that was my wife’s interpretation of it. So I’ve learned to wear my marriage sort of on my shoulders. Fidelity is important to most men. about 78% of first time marriages last for a reason.

That’s my 2cents. The children’s godmother is single, 41 and makes me nervous sometimes. But I believe that’s just normal for me now. Women have always made me nervous after having a few uncomfortable situations throughout my lifetime.

 

[PatriceA]

To be honest, as long as you are in tune with what God wants for your life right at this moment, be it single or married, it wouldn’t be an issue for me. I don’t want to socialize with just married people and I don’t want to dismiss someone just because they are single. I’m not going to presume just because one isn’t married, we can’t find something in common that we could form a friendship around. Everyone has something to offer, we can all learn from each other, someone doesn’t have to have the same station in life for me to be friends with them.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

A married person answers the question: “what do you want from life” simply by being married (with exceptions). A single person is more of a mystery. A single person could be a future married person, or a person who is called to the single life. The more of a mystery you are to me, the less I know you, the more distant our friendship will be. So it’s not an issue for me (a married person) to be friends with a single person. But not knowing the general life goals and directions of a friend would keep me from being close friends. I don’t feel close to a person until I know what makes them tick, what they’re shooting for in life etc. These are the things I talk about in conversation with good friends. So while I hope I have enough tact not to just make a person uncomfortable with a question that’s none of my business, that is the sort of information that would help me be closer to a good friend.

 

[timotheos]

How do married people view singles

For single guys, I view them as simply not knowing what the grass looks like on this side of the hill. It’s not really greener, and there’s thistles in it sometimes, but over time you get used to it if you stick to eating it, and then you start gaining weight and get out of shape and you forget about what it was like to be in the old pasture. But you sure don’t look down your nose at the guys who decided to stay back.

Yeah … yeah, it’s kinda like that. Or maybe not.

I think it’s time for me to go to bed.

-Tim

 

[Shaken]

Men wear their ball and chain with nervousness. We get nervous around some women that are single and if we have a wife that might be inclined to be jealous.
…
Women have always made me nervous after having a few uncomfortable situations throughout my lifetime.

Yeah, I have noticed that often, that wives are fearful of husbands interacting with single women. It is offensive because it insults both persons–the spouse and the single person–with suspicions of adultery.

And sometimes it is the other way, too. A husband will be worried about his wife interacting with a single woman. Though what he would be fearful of there, I don’t want to think.

 

[eucharisteo]

Yeah, I have noticed that often, that wives are fearful of husbands interacting with single women. It is offensive because it insults both persons–the spouse and the single person–with suspicions of adultery.

And sometimes it is the other way, too. A husband will be worried about his wife interacting with a single woman. Though what he would be fearful of there, I don’t want to think.

Fidelityis something you have to work on, not just happens. And a spouse no matter how insecure their mate is the need to be sensitive to that person. It’s the right thing to do even if it is over the top. It is what builds a strong bond or keeps the bond in times of insecurity, which may be all the time.

 

[Magickman]

I am 60 and never married. There are few married people among my friends. And no one seems too concerned with my single status.

From a very early age, I actively sought to remain unmarried. Marriage just seemed far too serious a thing to even consider. Did I say serious? I meant miserable and unpleasant. It simply did not interest me.

By now, very nearly all of the single women within 20 years of my age are divorced. Some of them several times.

In order to date at all, I end up with divorced women, though that is not my preference.

But there are worse things than being single. Like being married.

 

[LongingForLight]

A friend came over today and we did girl talk. And she wasked me ‘Do you want to be married?’ (she is married with kids). I answered the question trying to hide my akwardness by saying ‘I am not going to just marry anyone so I can have a token husband. I haven’t waited this long for any old thing’

As a married person, I might ask such a question in an attempt to discern your attitude towards marraige. I don’t want to raise certain topics around a person who is single, say, because she is hostile to the idea of having children, or who believes marraige was invented to subjugate women.

I might also be trying to determine if you’d like to be introduced to that sweet single Catholic guy who is about your age who really wants to wait for the right woman, or if you are not likely to be interested.

Good answer, btw!

 

[Jay82]

As a married person, I might ask such a question in an attempt to discern your attitude towards marraige. I don’t want to raise certain topics around a person who is single, say, because she is hostile to the idea of having children, or who believes marraige was invented to subjugate women.

I might also be trying to determine if you’d like to be introduced to that sweet single Catholic guy who is about your age who really wants to wait for the right woman, or if you are not likely to be interested.

Good answer, btw!

Yeah, I think LongingForLight has the right approach and probably speaks for many considerate/tactful married people out there.

I’m still single and I have had a wide range of conversations with married people about this sort of thing, but most end up with them wanting to set me up with someone they know, or how I would be ‘perfect’ for someone. Many of my married (and single) friends can’t figure out why I am single and I think it bothers them sometimes, as if it is some sort of puzzle they must solve.

I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point down the road married people will start to think if some thing is wrong with me or whatever. Unless I end up in a relationship in the immediate furture, in a few years I expect to be one of the last ones in my large group of friends who isn’t married.

 

[cmscms]

First, I want to say thank you to everyone for your supposrtive answeres

Fussing over you not being married just lets them be distracted from the insecurities about their own path in life.
.

My mom often say that married woman can be jealous over my ability to do what I want when I want without worrying about others. And with this particular friend, I have to wonder. I am friends with both her and her husband and he always gives the impression they have a happy marriage and she gives a different impression. She tells me about the disagreements they have over raising the kids and I sometimes think she is not happy deep down

We get nervous around some women that are single and if we have a wife that might be inclined to be jealous.

Whether or not a wife’s jealousy is merited or her insecurity is a bit beside the point to me. I would not want to be perceived as trying to ‘move in on another woman’s husband’ which is why I respect a married man who does not want to be near me. However, I just resent being seen as more of a threat than a married woman. A home wrecker is a home wrecker and her marital status has nothing to do with it

The more of a mystery you are to me, the less I know you, the more distant our friendship will be. So it’s not an issue for me (a married person) to be friends with a single person. But not knowing the general life goals and directions of a friend would keep me from being close friends.

Are there not other goals in life besides being married? Not to mention the fact you make it seem like after being married, a person can no longer have other goals. For me to discuss dating with other woman, I would feel immarture. When I was 20 telling my girlfriends about the cute thing my date did was fun. At forty telling them about these things would make me feel childish.

As a married person, I might ask such a question in an attempt to discern your attitude towards marraige. I don’t want to raise certain topics around a person who is single, say, because she is hostile to the idea of having children, or who believes marraige was invented to subjugate women.

I might also be trying to determine if you’d like to be introduced to that sweet single Catholic guy who is about your age who really wants to wait for the right woman, or if you are not likely to be interested.

Good answer, btw!

Thanks for telling me it was a good answer. I needed that. I can understand the concern about raising certain topics but I do hope people don`t see me as hostile. I would rather give the reputation of being the type who lives and lets live.

As for wanting to perhaps introduce me… That is not really that surprising. Unfortunately, the truth is, it is perceived as annoying to me. It makes me feel there is an insunation that I am desperate. Also, in this particular case, it becomes akward. How can I tell this friend I have no desire to date a divorced man when she was married one. How can I tell a friend I do not want to be a step mom when she is one.

Also, I have a university degree and I want a man with similar education. How do I tell that to a woman whose husband is currently unemployed. Having a married woman try to set me up means I have to tell her my standards and in can make her feel like I think she settles for second best. How do I let her know I have standards yet can respect her choices

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Are there not other goals in life besides being married? Not to mention the fact you make it seem like after being married, a person can no longer have other goals. For me to discuss dating with other woman, I would feel immarture. When I was 20 telling my girlfriends about the cute thing my date did was fun. At forty telling them about these things would make me feel childish.

Sure there are other goals in life than marriage. Obviously, a person with a vocation to the single life will have other goals. But marriage is a vocation, so it is the main, large, overreaching goal for those who are called to that life. If a person was married, but was actively involved in another cause, I would want to know that about them too. Personally, the vast majority of my life is spent focused on my marriage and my children. It is THE goal of my life at this point (aside from union with God). Someday, my children will be grown, and I will have time for other goals as well, but without hesitation, if you ask me what my goals in life are at this point, my answer would be entirely about my family. It’s what makes me tick, it’s what I believe God wants me to be completely focused on right now. Any close friend knows that about me because to me, that’s what friends do - they know about you.

That’s MY story. That’s not the case with all married people, of course, less so with people who don’t understand marriage as a vocation. As for the single life, it too is a vocation. I’m not saying you as a single person don’t have goals, or that your goals are less important than mine. I’m saying, if you feel called to marriage, then one of your main goals is probably going to be marriage. If you do not feel so inclined, then your goals will be different. Not less, just different. If you’re unsure of your ultimate vocation, then again, how you define your goals in life will be different than a person who KNOWS that they want to be married, but just haven’t met the right person yet.

For me, being a friend means knowing about a person. Knowing the answer to that questions - where are you in life? where do you see yourself going in the near future? What are the most important things to you? What makes you tick? Whether your answers are the same as mine or different, I can’t know you very well if I don’t know those things about you. It’s not a judgment, it’s not a desire to be a matchmaker, it’s just a matter of knowing my friends.

As for talking about dating, yeah I’m sure you don’t want to giggle with your friends over all the details of whatever guys you might be interested in. I’m 36, and my sister is 39. She is single. She’d like to be married someday and have kids, but she doesn’t know if it is going to happen. She has other goals in life as well. Most of the time we talk about other things, but occasionally we’ll talk about some of the guys she’s dated. Not high-schooly. Not in tons of detail. Just a what’s going on in your life conversation. Because I know where she’s coming from - what her goals are, what her standards are etc…I am able to have a more coherent conversation about these things than I would if I didn’t.

 

[kage_ar]

I don’t ask nosey personal questions to someone I just met, to aquaintences and to those I know socially.

When someone is my friend, married, single or religious, we talk about our thoughts and hopes and fears.

Guess some ill mannered or ignorant people put “single people” in boxes and make rude assumptions. Believe me, those same people do the same thing and ask the same rude questions of the disabled.

 

[CountrySinger]

I get asked all the time why I’m single. People think I must have a huge flaw, which is true because I’m overweight (which I’m changing very quickly). My married friends look down on me and say things like “I would shoot myself if I were single” and “I would leave my husband, but I don’t want to be single, it is worse than an unhappy marriage”.
I would go crazy if it wasn’t for my two best friends: an anti-Catholic gay man and a stripper. We make a fun trio, since I’m a devout Catholic woman. But we are all single trying to find love, and I’ve had the worst luck so far. Sad isn’t it?

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I get asked all the time why I’m single. People think I must have a huge flaw, which is true because I’m overweight (which I’m changing very quickly). My married friends look down on me and say things like “I would shoot myself if I were single” and “I would leave my husband, but I don’t want to be single, it is worse than an unhappy marriage”.

How very annoying for you, and how very sad for these married people who have such a poor perspective on life.

 

[kage_ar]

My married friends look down on me and say things like “I would shoot myself if I were single” and “I would leave my husband, but I don’t want to be single, it is worse than an unhappy marriage”.

Friends do not look down on their friends. These are not friends, they may be people you hang with.

Cultivate friendships with faithful Catholic people, people who have the peace of Christ, people who respect the dignity of every other person and who are in Sacramental marriages.

 

[dakotagirl]

cms: every state in life has its own crosses. You should be grateful that you are not married and jealous of a single person for having freedom. I am single, and only in my 20s but people do occasionally make awkward comments about me and relationships/ marriage. When people ask you why you are not married, the correct response is “because I said so.” Then change the subject. Best to you!

 

[Nec5]

When people ask you why you are not married, the correct response is “because I said so.” Then change the subject. Best to you!

If an idiot asks you that question, there are a thousand internet joke replies to choose from, ranging from “Just lucky, I guess” to far more uglier, and more satisfying, responses.

I’ve never been asked that question. I do get asked, “Are you married?”, but that’s not on the same level of haughtiness as “Why aren’t you married?”

 

[dakotagirl]

If an idiot asks you that question, there are a thousand internet joke replies to choose from, ranging from “Just lucky, I guess” to far more uglier, and more satisfying, responses.

I’ve never been asked that question. I do get asked, “Are you married?”, but that’s not on the same level of haughtiness as “Why aren’t you married?”

Heh. A coworker tried to set me up with her relative, about twice my age. When she pushily asked why I didn’t want to date him, I said it must just be because I am mean. Then she said “yes you are”! I’ve been trying to come up with better responses since then.