How do people who use contraception go to confession?

[HomeschoolDad]

There’s a lot going on in a situation where one spouse is insisting on using contraception.

They:

1. May not be Catholic
2. May be Catholic but can’t really understand why NFP is okay but contraception is not (I personally understand the Church’s stance on the difference between the two, but it is not an easy difference to see. It took me a very long time to finally have a good understanding of it, and I can understand where some people would fail to see a difference at all).
3. If it is the wife who is insisting on using contraception, she may have had several unexpected NFP babies and feels she simply cannot physically or emotionally handle another pregnancy, and she doesn’t trust NFP.
4. Could be a combination of 2 and 3.
5. Could be a combination 2 and 3 + the issue that total abstinence may be taking a toll on the marriage.
6. Infinite number of other possible factors, which make for a very difficult situation that is not simple or black and white.

If it is the intransigent spouse who is using the contraceptive, then they are the one committing the sin. I have been told by a priest, and I will welcome another priest or layperson trained in moral theology to verify this, that in such cases, the innocent spouse may engage in relations lawfully, with the culpability for using the contraceptive falling upon the intransigent spouse. If the contraceptive used is abortifacient, that would be another matter entirely.

I agree, having a “come to Jesus moment” with the intransigent spouse, in the manner I describe, probably wouldn’t work in today’s world. I do have to think, though, that if extended family members or a trusted friend were somehow to find out that their loved one was being spiritually brutalized, as it were, by being forced to use (not just endure the other’s use) contraception, it wouldn’t be well-received. People don’t like to see their loved ones pushed around by abusive spouses.

Scenarios such as this should underscore why faithful Catholics need to seek out spouses who won’t put them in this kind of position in the first place. You can never be too careful in choosing a spouse. I had to learn this the hard way.

 

[blackforest]

My head is still spinning from this thread, so bear with me. Why . . . this thread?

That is to say . . . of all of the transgressions out there, why the special focus on contraception? How does anybody who sins go to confession? And at the end of the day, how is it any of our business?

 

[HomeschoolDad]

My head is still spinning from this thread, so bear with me. Why . . . this thread?

That is to say . . . of all of the transgressions out there, why the special focus on contraception? How does anybody who sins go to confession? And at the end of the day, how is it any of our business?

Contraception is always intrinsically evil and is always an objectively grave sin, which when committed with sufficient reflection (full knowledge of its grave sinfulness) and full consent of the will, constitutes a mortal sin. Unforgiven mortal sin, even a single one, makes the soul worthy of, and in danger of, eternal hell fire.

There can never be a fully deliberately committed sin of the flesh, a completed sexual act, that is not objectively grave matter. Contraception is certainly a sin of the flesh. “Sins of the flesh”, in addition to contraception, are adultery, fornication, masturbation, homosexual acts, and other abominations too repulsive to name here. Our Lady of Fatima said that the sins that send more people to hell than any other sins are the sins of the flesh. Was she right or was she wrong?

Many people commit the sin of contraception as part of their everyday lives. For some reason, the word “most” is disliked on this forum — some say it is “judgmental”, some say you cannot know this unless you ask everyone individually — so I will refrain from it, but you, the reader, can use your own intelligence and common sense to consider just how widespread this sin is in today’s society.

There are also people who receive holy communion having this unrepented sin on their souls. Scripture warns of what happens when people receive communion unworthily.

Paul VI told bishops to “consider this mission as one of your most urgent responsibilities at the present time” (Humanae vitae #30). It is not an issue that he wanted to see ignored, brushed off, rationalized, or consigned to silence.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are many other reasons, but these are the most important ones.

And as far as it being “my business”, I am incapable, and do not wish to be capable, of being indifferent to the spiritual state of my brother. I love his soul too much for that, and I love the greater glory of God too much for that. That said, I consider myself to be the chief sinner in the world.

(And yes, I have from time to time performed contraceptive acts in my marriage, this in addition to having used NFP sinfully for selfish reasons without excuse. I rationalized these sins until I could rationalize them no more. They have been repented and confessed. Miserere mei Domine.)

 

[HomeschoolDad]

How does anybody who sins go to confession?

Well, in modern times, at least in North American society, the lines for confession are very short compared to the number of people who attend Mass. Maybe a lot of people make appointments. Maybe the biennial penance services are packed to the rafters, and that’s when everyone goes. I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve ever been to one. This is not “judgmental”, this is just looking at the lines, looking at the people who go to Mass, and doing the math. And of those people who go to Mass, look at how many people receive communion, and how many don’t. Again, more math. Math is judgmental? I’ll have to remember that.

Given this scenario — where nothing but simple math is involved — it is entirely possible that a large number of people who do go to confession, are people who either use NFP, people who do not seek to regulate birth at all, or are not sexually active. Maybe it’s not that common for contraception to come up in the confessional. I don’t know. I’m not a priest and I don’t hear confessions.

And as far as all the people who receive communion? That will have to be another thread.

 

[blackforest]

Contraception is always intrinsically evil and is always an objectively grave sin, which when committed with sufficient reflection (full knowledge of its grave sinfulness) and full consent of the will, constitutes a mortal sin. Unforgiven mortal sin, even a single one, makes the soul worthy of, and in danger of, eternal hell fire.

I’m not normally a big Akin fan, but he has a level-headed take on the notion that contraceptors are going to hell. http://www.ncregister.com/blog/jimmy-akin/are-most-catholics-in-america-going-to-hell

Apart from that aspect, I get it. I just find that of all of the named mortal sins, contraception receives an exceptional amount of attention on CAF. Hence my rhetorical question:

How does anybody who sins go to confession?

Are there non-sexual grievances? Sure. But those “pelvic issues” get lifted onto their own pedestal.

And as far as it being “my business”, I am incapable, and do not wish to be capable , of being indifferent to the spiritual state of my brother. I love his soul too much for that, and I love the greater glory of God too much for that.

That said, I think it’s best to pray quietly for our brothers and sisters rather than pruriently wonder what’s going on between them and their priests . . . the latter definitively being none of our business.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Contraception is always intrinsically evil and is always an objectively grave sin, which when committed with sufficient reflection (full knowledge of its grave sinfulness) and full consent of the will, constitutes a mortal sin. Unforgiven mortal sin, even a single one, makes the soul worthy of, and in danger of, eternal hell fire.

I’m familiar with the article, and I generally enjoy Jimmy Akin’s columns. I do notice that he uses the “M-word” repeatedly, and after having been taken to task so roundly by some for using that word, I am reluctant to utter it anymore — I have had to wonder if I need to start referring to one of my favorite theologians as “Father William Many” or to start referring to that city on my Bosnian travel bucket list as “Many-ar”.

No one hopes more than I do, that Our Lord “overlooks” the sin of contraception, and will proclaim at the General Judgment something like “My precious children, you were so brainwashed by everything and everyone around you, you didn’t even grasp that there was anything wrong with doing that, and those in My Church responsible for teaching it, mentioned it to you so infrequently, and did not try to dissuade you from it, that I am not going to hold it against you, any guilt you might have had for it is paid for in full in My own Blood, I have burnt it up in My Mercy, welcome to My Kingdom that has been prepared for you for all eternity”. There is a stripe of Christian (and, God forbid, possibly even a few Catholics) that lick their chops and rub their hands together at the prospect of sinners being punished, but I’m not one of them.

Are there non-sexual grievances? Sure. But those “pelvic issues” get lifted onto their own pedestal.

See Our Lady of Fatima’s admonition about sins of the flesh.

And as far as it being “my business”, I am incapable, and do not wish to be capable , of being indifferent to the spiritual state of my brother. I love his soul too much for that, and I love the greater glory of God too much for that.

It’s not prurient interest. I don’t need to know the nitty-gritty of what they do. I just want to see people make good confessions, to see more people go to confession more often — the Church prescribes once a year as the bare minimum — and to be led by their priests to know their sins for what they are, objectively as well as subjectively, and to be further led to turn away from them, not counting the cost.

 

[blackforest]

See Our Lady of Fatima’s admonition about sins of the flesh.

See our CAF threads about this. Beginning with Post 18, it takes an interesting turn. Wake up call most souls go to hell for the sins of the flesh - #21 by OneSheep

I just want to see people make good confessions, to see more people go to confession more often

I’d love to see that, too. And I hope they’re able to work that out with their confessors . . . where this matter belongs. But again, our only job is to focus on how good our own confessions are, not other peoples.’

 

[jzea1992]

Wow the kid knows more than I do and I’m a 28 year old woman

 

[HomeschoolDad]

I just want to see people make good confessions, to see more people go to confession more often

I basically agree with you, but some of the best “food for thought”, regarding confession, that I’ve ever received, has come from books and articles I’ve read — by both priests and laypeople — not necessarily from the priest in the confessional. If I can help my brother to make a better confession, and to break with a sin that maybe his priest has never discussed with him, then it’s all to the good.

And I’ve got to say this, but in the 14 years that I went to confession as a married man##, all the time we were using NFP selfishly and rationalizing it, all the time we were occasionally even falling into contraceptive acts that we rationalized as well, not once did any priest ever even so much as ask “just out of curiosity, why don’t you and your wife have any children?”. I wish some priest had. I wish I had been challenged, and put under conviction, much sooner than I was — I had to come to the realization myself, at which time I shared my conviction with my wife.

I know I may get shellacked for this, but I don’t think that “don’t ask, don’t tell” is always the best approach to take in the confessional. And I refer most of all to my own pitiful confessions.

## - I am still a “married man”, in that my wife and I have been divorced for many years, but we have no annulment. She has “remarried” without the permission of the Church in an extremely unusual scenario that reflects very badly upon everyone concerned, and which I cannot discuss further.

See Our Lady of Fatima’s admonition about sins of the flesh.

It did indeed. I will acknowledge that “sins of the flesh” are not only sexual ones. Gluttony, drunkenness, drug addiction, and possibly even other flesh-oriented sins such as thrill-seeking (“adrenaline junkies”) and inordinate attachment to music and dance, could fall into that category.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Wow the kid knows more than I do and I’m a 28 year old woman

“The kid” knows a lot. Not the most diligent student in the world — I wasn’t either at his age — but still very, very bright and insightful. He drew parallels between the socialist “utopia” in Orwell’s Animal Farm (we watched the 1954 video adaptation) and his own grandparents’ living circumstances under Marxism-Leninism in Poland that just left me gasping. He got an A for that discussion. I may make it an A+.

 

[Psalm30]

not once did any priest ever even so much as ask “just out of curiosity, why don’t you and your wife have any children?” . I wish some priest had . I wish I had been challenged, and put under conviction, much sooner than I was — I had to come to the realization myself , at which time I shared my conviction with my wife.

Not having any children can be the result of painful issues. I have very close friends who suffered three miscarriages before finally having their miracle baby. I have other friends who tried for years to have children but it just never happened. There are people who don’t use contraception or NFP and desperately want children but simply can’t get pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term. These experiences are very, very painful…and very personal.

I completely understand that you would rather be asked these questions than not in order to preserve yourself from sin, even if the questions themselves are personal. But, not everyone feels that way. To someone who has three babies in heaven and none in their arms, having anyone—including a priest—ask “just out of curiosity, why don’t you have any children”—can stir up very painful feelings, even if they can politely decline to answer. Priests likely understand this, and I believe they are doing their job correctly.

 

[Psalm30]

I take the world as it is, and I well understand “shades of gray”. A black-and-white world would be much simpler, but that’s not reality. But where I can make black-and-white choices, I do.

The problem, though, is that in your threads, you frequently try to make certain things black and white when they simply are not black and white.

 

[Ammi]

I’m not sure speculating about what sins other people commit and how they confess them is healthy for anyone.

This mentality throws out fraternal correction, even though it’s an act of mercy!

It’s not speculation that the majority of Catholics contracept (around 80%!!). That means most Catholics should not be receiving Holy Eucharist!

This affects the whole body! Serious sins are not just contained in a vacuum. What we do has consequences on the life of the Church. There are many ways that our sins infiltrate other aspects of our life, and those we have relationships with.

So while it’s true that some might have selfish or judgmental reasons for blaming others for a particular sin, if we actually love each other as brothers and sisters, we will desire to fight against what is a major pitfall among the faithful. Because it draws the whole Church down.

 

[Vico]

…
You go to confession, but are not actually sorry for your act. Under those circumstances, does the absolution actually take effect, or are you just compounding your sin by lying about your contrition?

One must be contrite of heart for the sacrament of Penance.

Catechism, Article 4 THE SACRAMENT OF PENANCE AND RECONCILIATION, VII. The Acts of the Penitent

1450 “Penance requires . . . the sinner to endure all things willingly, be contrite of heart, confess with the lips, and practice complete humility and fruitful satisfaction.” 49

1451 Among the penitent’s acts contrition occupies first place. Contrition is “sorrow of the soul and detestation for the sin committed, together with the resolution not to sin again.” 50

 

[Tolle_Lege]

Easy. They go because they don’t believe it’s a sin since priests rarely mention it in homilies or even in bulletins, or worse, they have been told in confession to “use their conscience,” that essentially it’s ok to use. Or most evil, directly told to use it by some priests. There are plenty of stories in these forums of all these things happening.

If you’re lucky, some parishes will have a few old brochures on NFP or contraception laying around, so as to claim that these teachings are readily available to the faithful.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

I take the world as it is, and I well understand “shades of gray”. A black-and-white world would be much simpler, but that’s not reality. But where I can make black-and-white choices, I do.

Or is it possible that I bring up objective realities that some people might not want to be reminded of?

It’s not my task as an apostolic lay Catholic to assess people’s subjective dispositions. But it is my task to speak objective truth.

I’m not sure speculating about what sins other people commit and how they confess them is healthy for anyone.

@Ammi — Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Gotta be careful with that “most” and “majority” business, as well as such things as polls and statistics, that rubs some people the wrong way, but you absolutely cut to the core of what I am trying to illustrate. I wish I could sit down and have a cold beer with you!

Easy. They go because they don’t believe it’s a sin since priests rarely mention it in homilies or even in bulletins, or worse, they have been told in confession to “use their conscience,” that essentially it’s ok to use. Or most evil, directly told to use it by some priests. There are plenty of stories in these forums of all these things happening.

If you’re lucky, some parishes will have a few old brochures on NFP or contraception laying around, so as to claim that these teachings are readily available to the faithful.

You too, @Tolle_Lege . There is much joy in my heart right now. Thanks for pointing that out.

In all fairness, as I mentioned elsewhere, many parishes do promote NFP instructions and workshops, in the bulletin and sometimes even from the pulpit. They are honoring what Paul VI begged faithful Catholics to do in Humanae vitae.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

And there’s one more thing I’d like to bring up. Let’s say that we leave people alone about this. Don’t mention it to them, don’t teach it from the pulpit, just bring it up in passing in religion classes, if that much. Don’t even try to get them to change their ways. People go on and on not thinking this is a matter of any importance. They teach their children. Their children have children. It’s reduced to some arcane, hoary old theological artifact that the priests may believe, but nobody else gives any thought.

What, then, does the Church look like in 50 years? 100 years?

When and how does it ever again become a “top-of-mind” issue?

 

[Psalm30]

Or is it possible that I bring up objective realities that some people might not want to be reminded of?

I can see I’m not getting through, but I’ll try one more time.

Yes, contraception constitutes objective grave matter. But as you’ve been told on this thread—even by a priest—there are often mitigating factors that reduce or even eliminate culpability. Therefore, what you say is objective isn’t really objective anymore.

You also mentioned that you wish the Church would draw a line as far as acceptable reasons to use NFP. The Church doesn’t, because there are no objectively acceptable reasons to use NFP. You even went as far as to tell another poster that you would have a priest disciplined for advising her not to use NFP to avoid pregnancy because of her five C-sections. And that’s simply not the way things work. It is up to each couple to discern. That is probably why you didn’t have the experience of a priest challenging your reasons for using NFP.

It’s not my task as an apostolic lay Catholic to assess people’s subjective dispositions. But it is my task to speak objective truth.

Perhaps, but by not assessing people’s subjective dispositions, you overlook the fact that these “objective” mortal sins may not be mortal sins at all.

Also, if the Church herself does not preach such things from the pulpit and hand out brochures at the door, what exactly leads you to believe it is your personal responsibility to do so?

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Yes, contraception constitutes objective grave matter. But as you’ve been told on this thread—even by a priest—there are often mitigating factors that reduce or even eliminate culpability.

I am well aware of what you say, and I most certainly do recognize that there are subjective factors that mitigate culpability. When I say “objective realities”, I am referring to the fact that contraception is objectively grave matter. Nothing more. People need to be told, and be left in no doubt or ambiguity about it, something like “this is an objectively grave sin, and if you fully understand this, and freely choose to do it anyway, you fulfill the conditions for (I did not say “commit”) mortal sin, and you could lose your soul for all eternity — are you willing to accept this teaching, and at least attempt to remove all obstacles in your life to obeying it?” I think that’s very much “understanding that it is not black and white”.

You also mentioned that you wish the Church would draw a line as far as acceptable reasons to use NFP. The Church doesn’t, because there are no objectively acceptable reasons to use NFP.

That’s not what Pius XII said in his allocution to the Italian midwives. Actually, I think he pretty much covered what I would like to see the Church reiterate as far as “reasons you could use NFP”, but people generally don’t know that anymore, because very few people under the age of 60 comprehend that a pope named Pius XII even existed. I would welcome a decision from the Church as to whether a couple even has to have a reason to use NFP aside from “we just want to”.

You even went as far as to tell another poster that you would have a priest disciplined for advising her not to use NFP to avoid pregnancy because of her five C-sections.

Yes, I think having had five C-sections, with the possibility of having to undergo a sixth one, pretty much indicates that NFP or even total abstinence is called for, and a priest who won’t let the couple use NFP is going way “over the line”. The poster who had these five C-sections assured me that she didn’t find my observation offensive. If a woman wishes to have her abdomen cut open time and again, and to give birth in a way that nature never intended, perhaps that is her prerogative, but if I were an obstetrician, I’d really have to recommend not falling pregnant again. And I don’t think I’d be the only one.

Also, if the Church herself does not preach such things from the pulpit and hand out brochures at the door, what exactly leads you to believe it is your personal responsibility to do so?

Somebody has to do it.

And no, I don’t think that the Church should go as far as to “hand out brochures at the door”, but I would welcome at least the occasional sermon, as well as “examination of conscience aids” (pamphlets, laminated cards, even online EofC apps) with a special section, prominently displayed, highlighting the major sins that many people struggle with.

 

[blackforest]

even other flesh-oriented sins such as thrill-seeking (“adrenaline junkies”) and inordinate attachment to music and dance, could fall into that category.

No. Those really, really are not “sins of the flesh.” Let’s stick with Church teaching, OK?