How do people who use contraception go to confession?

[HomeschoolDad]

I agree with what you said here. I think the very sad part is that many Catholics will believe anything a priest tells them just because he is a priest. Often here on the forum people give others the advice " see a priest asap" and I often wonder…if you don’t know the priest, do you just trust him?

You always need to ascertain whether the priest is faithful to the magisterium. Often you can “know” this based upon his homilies, what he speaks against, what he speaks in favor of, and so on.

In most cases, it would be nice if Catholics would “believe anything a priest tells them just because he is a priest”. Very often people have a “cafeteria” mentality and already have their minds made up that they are going to reject anything they do not want to do or believe.

We are very blessed in the “Internet age” to be able to teach ourselves much, if not most, of what we need to know about the Faith. Time was, people did not really know how to make moral decisions beyond what they had learned (or memorized) from the catechism, and on top of that, they could not defend their faith when attacked for it. Many times they just had to say “I don’t know why I believe X, but it is my faith and that is what I’ve always been taught”. These days, that’s not good enough.

Does anybody ever stop and realize just how blessed we are, to have the sum total of Catholic faith and teaching at our fingertips instantly? We’d better make the best use of it now — “make hay while the sun shines” and educate ourselves. We might not always have this sort of access, and this much information. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but future global dictators and tyrants could “pull the plug”. And there’s always EMP. We may not always have the entire Summa Theologica, Haydock’s Bible, or the writings of the Fathers of the Church available on demand, instantaneously, free of charge, to read at one’s leisure. Think about it.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I think the very sad part is that many Catholics will believe anything a priest tells them just because he is a priest.

I think the very sad part is that this forum gives the impression that priests are running around giving wrong teaching and committing liturgical abuses left and right in this day and age. The vast majority of priests do not do this. This forum tends to draw all the people who want to tell a story of an alleged problematic priest, and the priest is never here to give his side of the story. When everything is going well with a priest/ parishioner interaction, people don’t tend to post about it.

At this point in my life I’ve been to confession hundreds of times and have never had a priest tell me anything in the confessional that I thought was unorthodox or conflicted with Church teaching. I haven’t exactly lived a nun’s existence either if you get my drift, so there were plenty of opportunities for sensitive subjects to come up. I know there are some priests out there whose advice might conflict with church teaching, just like I know there are some priests out there who commit crimes, but neither situation is the norm.

I think it’s also very sad that someone like you is apparently only too willing to decide priests generally mislead gullible Catholics. I find that view biased, stereotypical, and insulting.

 

[Wannano]

I found your post very helpful and thoughtful until you turned positive anger into judgement. Hopefully it helped you because it helps me understand you better.

 

[IdaCatholic]

A lot of it depends on your location. The western us has some issues. These probably stem from seminaries and Less of a Catholic identity. But it varies diocese to diocese. And city to city. And subject to subject. Before you posted this I was thinking about this very idea. There are 14 priests in my greater metro area within an hour of me. They rotate a lot but I’ll just deal with the ones currently located in my area. If I was in the confessional and was struggling with abortion, infidelity, beating my kids, gossiping at work, or stealing the advice and counseling to turn from sin would be 14 out of 14 in line with Catholic teaching. If my confession was technical or culturally significant the advice would be less consistent because many of the priests are foreign and there may be language and culture barriers. Now, if I were to confess some contested issues like if my marriage were struggling, nfp was not working and pregnancy was dangerous 5 of the 14 would almost definitely ok means outside the boundaries of moral Catholic theology. Same with self abuse sins.
To be fair, I’ve lived in diocese where there would never be a problem with a single priest and others where scores of priests would not advocate for Catholic sexual morality (granted many of these priests would be affiliated with a college)

I do find it odd that a lot of times people are expected to go to priests and listen to their advice about things that there is no way they could know a sufficient amount about. If I’m confessing or trying to form my conscience with something like patent issues at my job and I bounce it off father so and so from notmycountryistan the conversation wont be helpful.

Out of the 14 priests in my area, 6 are really hard for me to understand so communication is hard.

 

[Psalm30]

I agree with what you said here. I think the very sad part is that many Catholics will believe anything a priest tells them just because he is a priest. Often here on the forum people give others the advice " see a priest asap" and I often wonder…if you don’t know the priest, do you just trust him?

I’ve never been given bad advice by a priest. However, I also see the term “seek professional counseling” a lot here on the forums. I’ve probably given the advice myself a few times. I don’t think it’s bad advice to seek professional help, but I personally have been to three different professional counselors over the years, none of whom really helped me. Honestly, I think one of them made my problems worse. I’ve gotten more help for my issues here at CAF than I ever got in counseling. I know it’s tricky, since there are legal issues to be had and not everyone here is technically qualified to give advice, but my experiences with counseling vs. CAF do run through my mind every time I see someone advise a poster to go to counseling.

 

[Wannano]

Wannano:

I agree with what you said here. I think the very sad part is that many Catholics will believe anything a priest tells them just because he is a priest. Often here on the forum people give others the advice " see a priest asap" and I often wonder…if you don’t know the priest, do you just trust him?

I’ve never been given bad advice by a priest. However, I also see the term “seek professional counseling” a lot here on the forums. I’ve probably given the advice myself a few times. I don’t think it’s bad advice to seek professional help, but I personally have been to three different professional counselors over the years, none of whom really helped me. Honestly, I think one of them made my problems worse. I’ve gotten more help for my issues here at CAF than I ever got in counseling. I know it’s tricky, since there are legal issues to be had and not everyone here is technically qualified to give advice, but my experiences with counseling vs. CAF do run through my mind every time I see someone advise a poster to go to counseling.

The way you indirectly answered my question makes me feel you understand what I was asking. Thanks .I am thrilled for you that you have never received bad advice from a priest.

 

[Psalm30]

I think the very sad part is that this forum gives the impression that priests are running around giving wrong teaching and committing liturgical abuses left and right in this day and age. The vast majority of priests do not do this.

I didn’t interpret anything in @Wannano post as implying that priests are running around giving wrong teaching and committing liturgical abuses left and right in this day and age. I agree that the vast majority of priests do not do this. However, it is true that priests aren’t infallible. It is technically possible to be given bad advice by a priest.

This forum tends to draw all the people who want to tell a story of an alleged problematic priest, and the priest is never here to give his side of the story. When everything is going well with a priest/ parishioner interaction, people don’t tend to post about it.

Yes, that’s true, the same way people don’t tend to come here and write glowing posts about how well their marriage is going or how great raising children is or how firm they are in their faith. The forum tends to lend itself to people looking for solutions to problems. Most—not all—people post about trouble they’re having in their marriage, when their spouse isn’t here to tell their side of the story. Or how their kids are causing problems, when their kids aren’t here to tell their side of the story. So, naturally, people are also going to come here with problems about their priests, and no, the priests aren’t here to tell their side of the story.

But if you’d like a good story about priests, here are a few. I absolutely love the priest who married my husband and me. I keep in touch with him, and he keeps up with what’s going on in my family. He really, really wanted to baptize my kids but wasn’t able to because of distance. However, he did get to give my first child a blessing after the baptism, and he gave me a blessing when I was pregnant with my second child.

Now on to the pastor at my current parish. He’s the one who baptized my kids. He juggled the schedule so he could be the one to baptize my oldest. He’s one of the most gentle, kind souls anyone will ever meet. He just retired and I have to say I’ve never seen such a well-attended retirement party for anyone. I was very sad to hear he was retiring.

Good news is, our new pastor is amazing. He hasn’t been here very long, but the few interactions I’ve had with him have been great. He’s enthusiastic and has great charisma. I just went to a friend’s baptism at which he presided and he said many wonderful things about marriage and children and openness to God’s will.

Finally, the priest at my relative’s church is simply awesome. The parish records his homilies and posts them online, and they are so good I listen to them from time to time. I’ve learned things about Catholicism I never knew before, and I’ve passed it along to my CCD kids.

So very thankful for good priests!

 

[Psalm30]

I think it’s also very sad that someone like you is apparently only too willing to decide priests generally mislead gullible Catholics. I find that view biased, stereotypical, and insulting.

Once again, I do not think this is in any way what @Wannano was saying. Perhaps you should reflect on what is going on in your own heart that led you to interpret it this way.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

A lot of it depends on your location. The western us has some issues. These probably stem from seminaries and Less of a Catholic identity. But it varies diocese to diocese. And city to city. And subject to subject. Before you posted this I was thinking about this very idea. There are 14 priests in my greater metro area within an hour of me. They rotate a lot but I’ll just deal with the ones currently located in my area. If I was in the confessional and was struggling with abortion, infidelity, beating my kids, gossiping at work, or stealing the advice and counseling to turn from sin would be 14 out of 14 in line with Catholic teaching. If my confession was technical or culturally significant the advice would be less consistent because many of the priests are foreign and there may be language and culture barriers. Now, if I were to confess some contested issues like if my marriage were struggling, nfp was not working and pregnancy was dangerous 5 of the 14 would almost definitely ok means outside the boundaries of moral Catholic theology. Same with self abuse sins.
To be fair, I’ve lived in diocese where there would never be a problem with a single priest and others where scores of priests would not advocate for Catholic sexual morality (granted many of these priests would be affiliated with a college)

In 43 years of going to confession, at times not as frequently as I should have, I have been given advice twice that was at variance with magisterial Church teaching. As I did not make a practice of seeking approval of sinful behavior, I would not have been in the position of asking “may I engage in behavior X that the Church condemns?”, and so I wouldn’t know what I might have been told if I had asked. I was also told, though not under confessional seal, by a popular suburban pastor, that he would and does give communion to spouses in invalid marriages with no annulment, if they approach the altar and seek it “in good conscience”. I don’t think he was referring to Josephite marriages.

All three of these priests were native-born Americans with fluent command of English. One had a strong regional accent, but there was no misunderstanding anything he said.

 

[DeniseNY]

agree with what you said here. I think the very sad part is that many Catholics will believe anything a priest tells them just because he is a priest. Often here on the forum people give others the advice " see a priest asap" and I often wonder…if you don’t know the priest, do you just trust him?

If I had to choose between advice from a priest and random people on a message board, I’m going with the priest.

 

[Wannano]

Wannano:

agree with what you said here. I think the very sad part is that many Catholics will believe anything a priest tells them just because he is a priest. Often here on the forum people give others the advice " see a priest asap" and I often wonder…if you don’t know the priest, do you just trust him?

If I had to choose between advice from a priest and random people on a message board, I’m going with the priest.

My advice to you is that that would be a good decision!

 

[sainteriksrose]

The Church’s teaching is clear on this matter…

And the priests should have the answer and information needed available, for anyone who asks.

 

[InThePew]

From a priest’s perspective the issue is more complicated than it might seem, not because the Church’s teaching isn’t clear or because of a reluctance to interfere in people’s private live but because we don’t know what difficulties a person might be facing which impact upon their decision. As the old saying goes, you can’t judge someone until you’ve walked another mile in their moccasins.

For some women I’ve come across, pregnancy means they wouldn’t be able to work, and so their family would lose at least half their income (if not all of it) for an entire year. In other cases, the family (or the couple’s marriage or both) may already be struggling and another child will push them over the edge. I’m not saying that situations make this make it okay for someone to use contraception (and would never say that as a priest) but it does however significantly alter their level of culpability. Ultimately, people have to make decisions according to their own consciences based, in part, by the situation they’re in at the time. Of course there are plenty of people who use contraception for reasons of convenience (who may or may not be ignorant of Church teaching or badly affected by societal influences) but there are also an awful number for whom, there is very little choice given the circumstances they find themselves in. As a priest though, I’m only too aware that I simply have no way of knowing what’s going on in the lives of those before me. My calling is to bring back the strayed, seek out the lost and bind up the wounded but that’s not going to happen if I start with condemnation instead of compassion.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

From a priest’s perspective the issue is more complicated than it might seem…

For some women I’ve come across, pregnancy means they wouldn’t be able to work, and so their family would lose at least half their income (if not all of it) for an entire year. In other cases, the family (or the couple’s marriage or both) may already be struggling and another child will push them over the edge. I’m not saying that situations make this make it okay for someone to use contraception (and would never say that as a priest) but it does however significantly alter their level of culpability…

Thank you, Father.

I understand all of this, and I understand the concept of mitigated responsibility. But I have a very hard time with assimilating the idea of allowing a penitent to continue committing objectively gravely sinful acts in the future, under the rubric of “mitigated responsibility”. I understand a penitent coming in and confessing this sin, being assured it was not mortal because they weren’t fully responsible, and being absolved of it, whether mortal or venial. But I don’t understand the idea of either (a) not admonishing them to avoid it in the future, or (b) leaving them in ignorance about it.

I realize that asking every married penitent of childbearing age, if they don’t bring up the issue, if they have been practicing contraception, might not be the thing to do. This can be dealt with, as noted above, by having this and other commonly committed sins explicitly stated on an “examination of conscience card/flyer/handout”. But in the scenarios you note — financial hardship or ruination if another pregnancy occurs — there is always the option of using NFP very cautiously, or abstaining entirely. I am not accusing you of saying this, but to allow them to continue using contraception sounds very much like “the end does not exactly justify the means, but it mitigates one’s culpability for using the means”. Are we not given crosses from time to time, that seem too difficult for us to bear, but regardless, they are the crosses that Almighty God has given us in these present circumstances? As a priest once told me, “you don’t mind bearing your cross as long as you get to pick it”.

As far as leaving a penitent in ignorance, it is likewise difficult to understand what Fr Heribert Jone says below in his book Moral Theology (last two sentences of the first paragraph):

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

Let them keep committing that certain sin without repentance and firm purpose of amendment, because they wouldn’t give it up if they were told to?

That sounds to me a whole lot like “the tail wagging the dog”, or put another way, “the kids tell their parents what they’re going to do”. And this book has a pre-Vatican II imprimatur, so I am not simply objecting to some modern concoction.

 

[JimG]

With respect to artificial contraception, I would only note that the Catholic Church has had the same teaching on it from the beginning, over 2,000 years.

What may be forgotten is the until 1930, every single Protestant denomination had the exact same teaching as the Catholic Church.

From the Reformation until 1930, every Protestant denomination taught that artificial contraception was sinful. Some even recommended that married couples should have many children as a routine matter.

The Anglican church was the first to break ranks on this matter, in the 1930 Lambeth Conference, allowing for contraception by married couples only for serious reasons, a small hole in the dike that became a flood. Other denominations later followed suit.

In response, Pope Pius XI wrote the encyclical Casti Connubii in 1930, reiterating the Church’s traditional teaching. So it wasn’t as if the Catholic Church had been alone in prohibiting contraception. Every Protestant denomination had the same teaching for 400 years.

 

[Jen7]

As a priest though, I’m only too aware that I simply have no way of knowing what’s going on in the lives of those before me. My calling is to bring back the strayed, seek out the lost and bind up the wounded but that’s not going to happen if I start with condemnation instead of compassion.

This is why I think it’s so helpful when parishes offer great NFP method classes that help the couple themselves understand their responsibilities & how NFP works! The priest shouldn’t have to chase them down to “condemn” but can instead start with education!

 

[HomeschoolDad]

With respect to artificial contraception, I would only note that the Catholic Church has had the same teaching on it from the beginning, over 2,000 years.

What may be forgotten is the until 1930, every single Protestant denomination had the exact same teaching as the Catholic Church.

From the Reformation until 1930, every Protestant denomination taught that artificial contraception was sinful. Some even recommended that married couples should have many children as a routine matter.

Though it is by far a minority opinion, not all Protestants (i.e., Western non-Catholic Christians) have ceased to view contraception as sinful, or at least something to be avoided by a Christian. I know they are not the most inspiring example, but look at the Duggars. There are others.

The Anglican church was the first to break ranks on this matter, in the 1930 Lambeth Conference, allowing for contraception by married couples only for serious reasons, a small hole in the dike that became a flood. Other denominations later followed suit.

It was basically a case of “this technology exists, and it is no different in intent from more primitive, less workable methods of hindering conception”.

My two grandmothers had eight (nominal Methodist with some aspects of Pentecostalism) and six (Baptist) children respectively. Each of my parents were the youngest. If my grandparents had used birth control, I wouldn’t be here!

 

[InThePew]

I have a very hard time with assimilating the idea of allowing a penitent to continue committing objectively gravely sinful acts in the future, under the rubric of “mitigated responsibility”. I understand a penitent coming in and confessing this sin, being assured it was not mortal because they weren’t fully responsible, and being absolved of it, whether mortal or venial. But I don’t understand the idea of either (a) not admonishing them to avoid it in the future, or (b) leaving them in ignorance about it.

The Church is about forming consciences not replacing them. If a person is bringing the issue to confession then I can safely assume that they’re aware that it’s objectively wrong and, where appropriate I would encourage them towards NFP or abstinence. For some however, these simply aren’t an option - e.g. “my spouse will leave me if I don’t use contraception” or “my spouse simply won’t go along with that [nfp/abstinence”. In such cases, while the objective nature of the sin remains, subjectively (that is, for that particular person) there is no sin simply because the person’s freedom is impeded. Granted, this isn’t true in every case but it is true in some and, for those concerned, the struggle and pain is very real. We can never know the weight of another’s cross nor can we ever have more than a glimpse into what’s going on in their lives (trust me when I say that sin some cases the glimpses I’ve had have been hard enough). This is why priests need to tread very carefully and sensitively when it comes to the topic of contraception.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

The Church is about forming consciences not replacing them… For some however, these simply aren’t an option - e.g. “my spouse will leave me if I don’t use contraception” or “my spouse simply won’t go along with that [nfp/abstinence”. In such cases, while the objective nature of the sin remains, subjectively (that is, for that particular person) there is no sin simply because the person’s freedom is impeded. Granted, this isn’t true in every case but it is true in some and, for those concerned, the struggle and pain is very real. We can never know the weight of another’s cross nor can we ever have more than a glimpse into what’s going on in their lives (trust me when I say that sin some cases the glimpses I’ve had have been hard enough). This is why priests need to tread very carefully and sensitively when it comes to the topic of contraception.

If this is how the Church instructs its priests to deal with people in difficult circumstances, so be it, especially if it has precedent in the time before the present crisis of faith and morals (which would certainly apply in the Jone quotation, imprimatur 1955). I will also concede that contraception in a marriage is a sin that involves two people, not just one, and a penitent might be able to say “I do not want to carry out contraceptive act X, but my spouse is forcing me to”, so in a sense — and to my mind this is really a stretch — it is the intransigent spouse who is committing the sin, and the faithful spouse is only cooperating. It is only a shame that we don’t live in a culture or society where a priest can sit down with the intransigent spouse and just explain to them that “this is the way it’s going to be, regardless of what you think about it, you’re not going to make your spouse do that, and you’re not going to cause them any grief over it”.

I do not look to the Church to “form my conscience but not replace it”. Just to use an example, by my human lights, I cannot see why tattooing, at least this major, extensive body art that many people have done, is not a mortal sin. To my mind, it is desecrating large portions of one’s beautiful, God-given skin and body in a way that cannot be removed — like spray-painting graffiti on the Temple of the Holy Spirit. But the Church does not teach this, and seemingly, is OK with people who go so far as to have face and neck tattoos, or “sleeves” the entire length of their arms or legs. I just can’t see it. I don’t “get” why the Church does not condemn this. But I do not have the wherewithal to turn the clock back 40 years, go back to school, get my doctorate in Catholic moral theology, accumulate credentials (published peer-reviewed articles, books, and so on), and work towards getting the Church to see why I am right and they are wrong. So I just squash what I think about it, try not to murmur “eppur si muove” as I step back, maintain a respectful silence, and not judge the behavior of others. So, yes the Church both forms my conscience, and even replaces it where necessary, such as in this case.

 

[Psalm30]

It is only a shame that we don’t live in a culture or society where a priest can sit down with the intransigent spouse and just explain to them that “this is the way it’s going to be, regardless of what you think about it, you’re not going to make your spouse do that, and you’re not going to cause them any grief over it”.

There’s a lot going on in a situation where one spouse is insisting on using contraception.

They:

1. May not be Catholic
2. May be Catholic but can’t really understand why NFP is okay but contraception is not (I personally understand the Church’s stance on the difference between the two, but it is not an easy difference to see. It took me a very long time to finally have a good understanding of it, and I can understand where some people would fail to see a difference at all).
3. If it is the wife who is insisting on using contraception, she may have had several unexpected NFP babies and feels she simply cannot physically or emotionally handle another pregnancy, and she doesn’t trust NFP.
4. Could be a combination of 2 and 3.
5. Could be a combination 2 and 3 + the issue that total abstinence may be taking a toll on the marriage.
6. Infinite number of other possible factors, which make for a very difficult situation that is not simple or black and white.

All is to say, a priest sitting down with a spouse in the manner you describe is not very likely to convince anyone, at least not without a little bit of compassion for the person and situation.