How do people who use contraception go to confession?

[Jen7]

More thought and discernment should be used when deciding to have a child than deciding to try to avoid having a child

I think the discernment about having a child comes before marriage. After marriage it really ought to be the “default” mindset when possible. The vocation to marriage is a calling from God to spousal fidelity + accepting children and raising them up for God when He sends them. I signed up to most-likely be a parent (barring infertility) at the altar in my wedding gown. So… I don’t discern much about whether we “should” have the next baby or not… I just ask myself “do we have grave reason to avoid?” If no, we toss the charts and calendars and just check every month or two to see if I happen to be pregnant. Easy-breesy. (Although don’t get me wrong, I don’t always “feel like” being pregnant! But that’s my problem, no? Without grave reason to avoid that personal disinclination really doesn’t count for anything at all.) So, much more thought goes into our conversation about “is this truly a serious situation that necessitates abounding a pregnancy?” Why? Because our default should be openness to a baby & it’s a big deal to say “nope, not possible now”! Coming to that place should be carefully discerned by the spouses & with a heart toward removing the serious obstacles ASAP so they can quit avoiding pregnancy as soon as possible.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

More thought and discernment should be used when deciding to have a child than deciding to try to avoid having a child

As I said above, I would welcome clarification from the magisterium on where one “draws the line” on being able to use NFP. Catholics in developed countries do not usually live in agricultural societies where large families are actually a bonus, nor in circumstances where infant mortality is high. Modern society makes having large families very, very difficult for many. This is never a justification for ABC, just a recognition that NFP might be easier to justify, in broader circumstances, than, say, 75-80 years ago.

Regardless of what my confessor said before our wedding, there is no magisterial teaching, nor common moral theological opinion, that says NFP may not, or should not, be used for a time immediately after a couple marries, to make pregnancy unlikely during that time.

 

[Jen7]

As I said above, I would welcome clarification from the magisterium on where one “draws the line” on being able to use NFP. Catholics in developed countries do not usually live in agricultural societies where large families are actually a bonus, nor in circumstances where infant mortality is high. Modern society makes having large families very, very difficult for many. This is never a justification for ABC, just a recognition that NFP might be easier to justify, in broader circumstances, than, say, 75-80 years ago.

Regardless of what my confessor said before our wedding, there is no magisterial teaching, nor common moral theological opinion, that says NFP may not, or should not, be used for a time immediately after a couple marries, to make pregnancy unlikely during that time.

Oh, sure. I agree. Maybe there are tons of “grave reasons” and “serious situations.” I’m not saying the need to use NFP is going to be RARE. (We had to avoid for the first three months of marriage afterall.) But I still think openness to pregnancy should be the “default” and shouldn’t require “thought” in the way discerning to avoid should require “thought.” Remember - I was replying to the poster who suggested we think harder about HAVING a baby than about NOT HAVING a baby. I believe the reverse is preferable. But I’m definitely not one who feels it’s rare to have “serious reasons” to avoid. I have told my husband I seriously needed to avoid pregnancy after a whopper of a delivery after which I needed a bit of time to mentally and emotionally “regroup.” I felt the labor/birth had been like being run over by a truck! We used NFP for a bit while I “caught my breath” after that one! For me, that was a serious need!! I’m not a baby-making-MACHINE afterall!!

 

[babochka]

As I said above, I would welcome clarification from the magisterium on where one “draws the line” on being able to use NFP. Catholics in developed countries do not usually live in agricultural societies where large families are actually a bonus, nor in circumstances where infant mortality is high. Modern society makes having large families very, very difficult for many. This is never a justification for ABC, just a recognition that NFP might be easier to justify, in broader circumstances, than, say, 75-80 years ago.

Regardless of what my confessor said before our wedding, there is no magisterial teaching, nor common moral theological opinion, that says NFP may not, or should not, be used for a time immediately after a couple marries, to make pregnancy unlikely during that time.

I
How and why would the church draw a line with the use of NFP? That makes no sense. Essentially, the church would be mandating that couples have intercourse during fertile periods.

The guidelines given by the Church are broad for a reason. “Social” reasons for one couple might not measure up for another. “Economic” reasons is likewise broad, because each couple and each situation is different. “Eugenic” reasons is another. One couple in their forties might legitimately decide to avoid having children because of the risk of birth defects. Another couple might legitimately decide that it doesn’t matter and they will gladly take on whatever children God sends them. I have had 5 C-sections. Some women might have legitimately decided against further pregnancy after even the first C-section. This is not something that the church can or should micromanage. We are adult human beings, with individual circumstances and individual strengths and weaknesses, and the ability to discern for ourselves. Confessor and spiritual directors are there for us if we need help in that process, but they can offer us no more than principles to guide us in making a subjective decision. They cannot and should not make the decision for us.

The Church also doesn’t provide us with a list of ailments that are sufficient for missing Mass. The Church recognizes that circumstances are individual. One person, temporarily or newly blinded, might miss Mass because of a lack of skills to navigate the outside world; another person, blind since birth, would never let his blindness be a reason to miss Mass. I have missed Divine Liturgy on a Sunday because of a headache. The headache itself was not severe, but I didn’t feel up to wrangling a bunch of little kids because of the headache. Had I been childless, there is no way that such a headache would have kept me from Church.

 

[Bataar]

Having never spoken to anyone about it, I would guess that many people are not even aware ABC is a sin. I have never heard a priest (outside of a traditional parish) mention it and in many Catholic schools and classes, ABC is actively promoted.

 

[MiserereMeiDei]

Modern society makes having large families very, very difficult for many.

OTOH, there is so much government financial aid and ngo support that one might wonder if there is any plausible excuse to refrain for economic reasons. Remember, having a bedroom for each child and tuition for private school is no reason to hold off. How many children aren’t born because we have a mind to maintain a western standard of living?

 

[HomeschoolDad]

How and why would the church draw a line with the use of NFP? That makes no sense. Essentially, the church would be mandating that couples have intercourse during fertile periods.

The guidelines given by the Church are broad for a reason. “Social” reasons for one couple might not measure up for another. “Economic” reasons is likewise broad, because each couple and each situation is different. “Eugenic” reasons is another. One couple in their forties might legitimately decide to avoid having children because of the risk of birth defects. Another couple might legitimately decide that it doesn’t matter and they will gladly take on whatever children God sends them. I have had 5 C-sections. Some women might have legitimately decided against further pregnancy after even the first C-section. This is not something that the church can or should micromanage. We are adult human beings, with individual circumstances and individual strengths and weaknesses, and the ability to discern for ourselves. Confessor and spiritual directors are there for us if we need help in that process, but they can offer us no more than principles to guide us in making a subjective decision. They cannot and should not make the decision for us.

No, you are entirely right, the Church couldn’t draw up a list of “for instances”. Perhaps “draw the line” isn’t the best turn of phrase. And as you well point out, confessors and spiritual directors are there to help you, if you need it. I know what happened in Quebec “back in the day”, when according to anecdotal evidence, priests would refuse absolution to couples whose reasons for practicing natural methods (“rhythm”, i.e., rudimentary NFP) weren’t satisfactory to them. That was pretty blatant. We can’t go back to that, and we shouldn’t go back to that. As I see it, there would have to be some pretty outlandish, over-the-top circumstances to prompt this kind of reaction from a priest-confessor — “well, yes, we have a household income of $2 million a year, and we already have our one child whom we dearly love, but we like to go spend a couple of months every winter at our villa in the Turks and Caicos, and we play a lot of golf, so no, Father, another child just wouldn’t fit into all of that, we’re going to use NFP and just stop with this one”.

I never cease to be amazed by the scenarios people worry about, where missing Mass is involved. The Church asks that we assist at Mass, but her requirements are not unreasonable. I have missed Mass before because I had a headache or a stomach ache, or because my elderly, disabled parents had an immediate care need. No harm done, and no, I didn’t think I had to call my priest to ask his permission. He’s got too much on his plate to deal with things like that.

 

[babochka]

OTOH, there is so much government financial aid and ngo support that one might wonder if there is any plausible excuse to refrain for economic reasons.

Really? In this day and age of health plans with $5000 deductibles, rents out of control in many places, housing costs such that a family making the average wage a given community cannot afford to live in that community? Or if you can only afford to live in an area with such poor schools that public schools are not an option? The church tells us that economic reasons are sufficient. We don’t have to have children on the verge of starvation or homelessness to invoke economic reasons. In some countries, having a 4th child might require buying a new vehicle, even though the present vehicle is sufficient.

Remember, having a bedroom for each child and tuition for private school is no reason to hold off.

Do you have a source for this? I happen to agree with you, but that is my personal opinion and not a teaching of the Church. This is a nebulous area. It is about selfishness vs. generosity, not an area of hard and fast rules. We should not attempt to bind where the Church does not bind.

 

[tafan2]

I agree, I don’t ever remember putting much thought into deciding to have a baby. We have always joked that none of our kids are planned.

 

[tafan2]

While I agree that ABC being sinful is not talked about and explained often enough, I have never heard of it being promoted at a Catholic school or any “class”.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Having never spoken to anyone about it, I would guess that many people are not even aware ABC is a sin.

In some places and circumstances, that very well could be. I have to think that many people would say something like “Oh, that came up one time, and Father told us it was no sin, he said that you can just ‘use your conscience’ — I didn’t know that was even a ‘thing’ anymore. After all, we do live in ‘modern times’. don’t we? Nobody believes that stuff anymore. Besides, everyone does it, and no woman wants to have a kid every year.”

in many Catholic schools and classes, ABC is actively promoted.

I’ll echo what another poster asked — where has this ever happened? To their credit, many parishes announce NFP workshops and instruction in the bulletin.

 

[IdaCatholic]

We have 7 kids. It is incredibly easier in the modern world to have a large family. It isn’t culturally popular but it is not hard at all in comparison to history.

 

[Jen7]

How and why would the church draw a line with the use of NFP? That makes no sense. Essentially, the church would be mandating that couples have intercourse during fertile periods.

The guidelines given by the Church are broad for a reason. “Social” reasons for one couple might not measure up for another. “Economic” reasons is likewise broad, because each couple and each situation is different. “Eugenic” reasons is another. One couple in their forties might legitimately decide to avoid having children because of the risk of birth defects. Another couple might legitimately decide that it doesn’t matter and they will gladly take on whatever children God sends them. I have had 5 C-sections. Some women might have legitimately decided against further pregnancy after even the first C-section. This is not something that the church can or should micromanage. We are adult human beings, with individual circumstances and individual strengths and weaknesses, and the ability to discern for ourselves. Confessor and spiritual directors are there for us if we need help in that process, but they can offer us no more than principles to guide us in making a subjective decision. They cannot and should not make the decision for us.

The Church also doesn’t provide us with a list of ailments that are sufficient for missing Mass. The Church recognizes that circumstances are individual. One person, temporarily or newly blinded, might miss Mass because of a lack of skills to navigate the outside world; another person, blind since birth, would never let his blindness be a reason to miss Mass. I have missed Divine Liturgy on a Sunday because of a headache. The headache itself was not severe, but I didn’t feel up to wrangling a bunch of little kids because of the headache. Had I been childless, there is no way that such a headache would have kept me from Church.

This. This. This. Every single word!!

 

[babochka]

We have 7 kids. It is incredibly easier in the modern world to have a large family. It isn’t culturally popular but it is not hard at all in comparison to history.

I have six kids, three of whom were born while I was in my 40s. We live on a single income in an expensive area. We have 8 people in a 1600 sq. ft. house. I don’t need to be convinced that it is possible. I love my large family and have been extremely blessed by having so many children.

You say that it is easier now than it has been historically. Perhaps that is true economically, but social reasons are among those specified for choosing to limit one’s family size. In terms of social conditions, it is much harder to have a large family in modern American society, in many ways. We are expected to always have our children closely supervised - much more than is common in other societies - and can face severe consequences for not meeting that social standard. Parenting is prolonged and much more intense than in previous generations. We are much more isolated and have less extended family and community support than the traditional human norm.

Honestly, it doesn’t matter. The Church doesn’t require that we have large families. We are encouraged to be generous in the service of life and forbidden from using artificial contraception. The Church allows NFP and gives couples wide discretion in choosing to use it. I don’t get to make this choice for another person.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

I have had 5 C-sections. Some women might have legitimately decided against further pregnancy after even the first C-section.

If you have had to undergo five C-sections, I would be the first one to beg you not to consider having any more children.

I can’t imagine what priest would ever go this far, but if I were in your circumstances, and a priest challenged my use of NFP, I would be on his bishop’s doorstep bright and early the next morning, demanding that the priest be disciplined.

 

[babochka]

Jen7:

I have had 5 C-sections. Some women might have legitimately decided against further pregnancy after even the first C-section.

If you have had to undergo five C-sections, I would be the first one to beg you not to consider having any more children.

I can’t imagine what priest would ever go this far, but if I were in your circumstances, and a priest challenged my use of NFP, I would be on his bishop’s doorstep bright and early the next morning, demanding that the priest be disciplined.

Again, having 5 c-sections was my choice, in consultation with my doctor. It was not heroic. I just wanted more children. I never consulted a priest over the matter because I didn’t need to. If I had decided that one, or two, or three c-sections was enough, that would have been fine, too. For some women, a single c-section is more than enough, physically and emotionally.

 

[Jen7]

If you have had to undergo five C-sections, I would be the first one to beg you not to consider having any more children.

And yet I have a friend who just had her 10th c-section. It really is up to each couple.

 

[IdaCatholic]

And you would be wrong. The poster could discern to have more children or not. Weighing in on how many kids a couple should have big or small is so far out of the responsibility or knowledge of a poster on the boards that it is laughable. My wife has an incredibly dangerous health situation that risks death with pregnancy. And yet we have felt guided to have children after this medical issue was discovered. We also could have decided not to. But I dont seek or even pay attention to what another poster thinks about when my wife and i choose to have sex.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

And you would be wrong. The poster could discern to have more children or not. Weighing in on how many kids a couple should have big or small is so far out of the responsibility or knowledge of a poster on the boards that it is laughable. My wife has an incredibly dangerous health situation that risks death with pregnancy. And yet we have felt guided to have children after this medical issue was discovered. We also could have decided not to. But I dont seek or even pay attention to what another poster thinks about when my wife and i choose to have sex.

If a couple wishes to risk the life of the mother to have a child, that is their choice, but the Catholic Faith does not require this level of heroism.

I think choosing to have no children at all, if having a child could kill the mother, would be entirely permissible — not resorting to ABC or sterilization, but using NFP or abstaining entirely.

 

[IdaCatholic]

Of course it is permissible to avoid in that case. I would never say it wasn’t. But you begging another poster to not have more kids because of a c section is rude, and you should recognize that and apologize.