What I think you are saying here is that women can’t be trusted to rely on their own self worth as a distinct part of their personality, so sooner or later a man (who evidently is on the prowl 24/7) will “catch” her when she is vulnerable. I don’t think that is how it works. This makes women appear so weak and defenseless. Are they really that way? I don’t think so.
Every woman should be strong enough to be able to resist all the little games that some men play in order to obtain sex. Every woman should be so strong in her own values that nobody can “trick” her into having sex. Do you really think men are such predators? I know the games; I know the lines; I’ve heard them over and over, but I’ve always found them to be so obvious that I question why any woman would fall for them, at any time. Women aren’t weak creatures. They are just as strong as men, maybe even stronger, and are certainly as intelligent.
And that is why women and men should be appropriate role models for their children. If a child sees her mother or father exhibiting promiscuous behavior, then she may very well become promiscuous. So stop the cycle. Don’t be promiscuous, don’t fall for the corny lines and games men come up with, and raise your children to be strong and proud in their knowledge of self-worth and ability to remain chaste. If a woman is in a situation where she is being abused and raped, she should find help and save herself and her children. If a man is abusive, he should be arrested and incarcerated. The cycle can be stopped.
I really don’t want to cause offense. I am concerned by what I see is a blaming of men for women’s problems in this area. Unless it is a case of rape, every woman has the ability and the right to say “no” and mean it. Aren’t women strong enough to do this? I always thought they were. Am I wrong?
I agree with all your sentences that use the word “should.” Unfortunately what “should” be and what in fact “is” are two different things. Take this, for example: **Every woman should be strong enough to be able to resist all the little games that some men play in order to obtain sex. Every woman should be so strong in her own values that nobody can “trick” her into having sex. ** How does someone come to know about these tricks and games? In many cases, women learn about them after they’ve been conned. Girls go to school and are taught arithmetic and reading and geography, but they are not taught about male predatory behavior. We’re talking about being savvy enough to recognize deceit, duplicity, manipulation. Many a child, has no experience of deceit, duplicity, and manipulation. Parents and teachers teach children to be honest and trustworthy and they never show them examples of the opposite. So they learn to take people at face value. We learn from experience; we learn from our mistakes. Everyday children get into cars with strangers offering candy, old folks sign away their life savings to con artists, and women get swindled out of sex–all because they haven’t yet learned to be suspicious enough. And these are good people; they’re not devious enough themselves to expect it from others, or they’re not jaded enough from having been swindled one too many times. Are men predators? Not every single one, but in general, when it comes to getting sex, yes.
**If a child sees her mother or father exhibiting promiscuous behavior, then she may very well become promiscuous. **
In my comment about role models, I didn’t necessarily mean promiscuity. What is promiscuous? Everyone has a different definition. To some people (apparently a lot of people at CAF) promiscuous is having sex with more than one person in your life. To some others, promiscuous is having sex with more than 5 people in a week. What everyone would agree upon, however, is that promiscuous is a bad thing to be. It always refers to having sex with more people that the speaker approves of. It’s a fact, albeit an unfortunate one, that many women don’t feel like they can say no. It’s not that they see their parents sleeping around. It’s that they are taught (by parents, school, society in general) to be accomodating, generous, helpful. If a guy takes a girl out a few times, she starts to feel like she should give him what he wants, otherwise she is ungrateful, a gold-digger, a tease. Or: Guys pretend to be a girl’s friend, waiting until the day she is vulnerable. (No person is 100% strong all the time. We all have times of distress when we need support.) This is when the guy “friend” makes his move: when she needs friendship, comfort, support. You use the words “weak” and “defenseless,” but who is never weak and defenseless for even a moment in their lifetimes?
Not every woman who has sex is promiscuous. There are a lot of reasons women have sex–sex that they don’t even really want. And they don’t really know why–only that they don’t think they have the right to refuse. But if no one teaches them that they do have the right to refuse, then they will only learn this (if they learn it at all) from experience.
I am blaming men–not every man in the world, but I am blaming men for the things they actually do to women to get what they want at any cost. Why should they be any less blameworthy than the con artist who uses his talent for deceit to commit theft and fraud. A lot of men commit theft and fraud against women.
So maybe women should be taught to think as you say above. If I had a daughter, I’d tell her about the tricks and games, I’d educate her about deceit and manipulation, I’d train her to spot a con man. And if she grew up to be jaded about human nature and mistrustful of others, I’d consider it a far far lesser evil than sending a lamb out into a world full of wolves.
