I think a lot of people get into shaky relationships because it is the “norm” in the United States during the dating phase for people to try to attract the person they are dating by “hiding” who they really are and trying to pretend to be someone that they are not.
Both the man and the woman will do everything possible to appear beautiful/handsome, intelligent, fascinating, athletic, free of personality flaws, etc.
Here are a few examples.
If a person normally has a bad habit of swearing, they will make a huge effort not to swear during dates. If a naughty word pops out, sometimes they will actually lie and "say, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I never say stuff like that!”
And the other person in the dating relationship actually believes that.
Same with any bad habits or addictions. Most people who binge eat in secret do NOT binge eat when they are out on a date. Most people who have a drinking problem make tremendous efforts to curb their drinking, or if they do drink irresponsibly, they make excuse and say, “I don’t know what came over me–I never drink like that.”
Again, the other person actually believes that!
People who are involved in serious sin certainly don’t commit their sin when they are out on dates. E.g., a man who is into perversion, or is abusive, goes to a lot of trouble to hide these “sins” and instead, presents himself as a kind, polite man who treats women and children with respect.
And the woman believes it.
Or a woman who is a mean-spirited gossip, or who nurses a lot of jealousy or resentment, will act sweet and loving on a date, and take care not to speak badly of anyone so that she will appear kind.
And the man believes it.
And of course there is the physical camouflage. We all know that women take a lot of extra care with makeup, hair, dress, etc. when they are dating, and they do everything they can, even skipping food all day, to look really good on their dates. But men do the same thing–they primp, too, and suck in their stomachs and go outside to pass gas!
And each person in the relationship wants so much to believe that their date always looks this good and never looks puffy or sweaty or smells bad or makes rude noises!
The problem comes when the facade starts to crumble, which it often doesn’t do until the couple is seriously involved with each other, or even married. The camouflage begins to erode, and the person starts acting like their true self. They stop wearing the makeup and the nice outfits. They openly practice whatever bad habits they have been suppressing and/or keeping secret; e.g., binge eating, unhealthy drinking, etc. And worst of all, they stop trying to hide their sins, and commit them openly.
And the other person wonders what the heck happened! They thought that the person they were dating was free of bad habits, and was kind and loving and respectful. They thought the other person’s stomach really IS flat!
How often have you heard someone say that it seems that they are now dating or married to a whole different person! Well, that’s exactly true. The person they were dating wasn’t real, but just a facade hiding the real person.
IMO, the answer to this is a long dating relationship. My husband and I dated for six years before we got married, and my daughter and her husband dated for seven years.
Someone can hide who they are for a few months, or even for a full year, but it’s really really hard to keep up a pretense, or always wear the “good makeup” and outfits, or never commit a sin, for six or seven years!
Now I’m not saying that everyone should date for several years! But I think that a couple should take their time while dating, and that they should try very hard to be “real” with each other. The best way to do this is to do “real” activities; e.g., going to church, fixing meals together instead of going out, getting involved in volunteer work (especially volunteer work that involves working with children, so that you can see how you each deal with kids), doing actual physical labor together that makes you sweat (e.g., yardwork, or planting a garden, or taking care of pets or livestock), spending a lot of time with each other’s families, etc.
These are the kinds of things that married people do! Married people don’t often go on ski weekends, or go to romantic restaurants and stare at each other. Married people do a lot of “work” together, and fix broken things, and figure out ways to have fun when the paycheck is gone. These kinds of activities make it easier to be your real self instead of trying to dress up like a movie star and act charming, intelligent, and witty! Try doing all that while you’re installing a new toilet!
