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Thank you
umm…actually, yes, the lesbian should get her own room
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TrixieMcGee
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You obviously don’t get me. I had a problem with how that other lady worded things, not with how you were wording things. She made it sound like a lesbian would rape her because they were sleeping in the same room.I don’t think I get you. I being asked to share a bed with somebody, I know that I’m the kind of person they would normally “check out”, and save a spouse or a sibling, I’m not supposed to care about that? Well, excuse me, but it is not only that I don’t want somebody to be in that situation with me and say “hey, baby, you’re hot!” I’m also not particularly thrilled with the prospect of “meh, you’re in the 85%, not the 15%” or “you know, you’re still not my type, but you undress better than I thought” or worse yet “wow…TMI. I wish I could tell you please put all your clothes back on. Eeek. Thank goodness you have the orientation you have, and not mine.”
IOW, while it is offensive to be deemed an object of lust, it could be just as offensive to be deemed to have failed to meet one’s “standards”. Oh, and they’re supposed to believe that no one would ever lie about such a thing, either. (Yeah. That works.)
Hun, I am not saying that you should share a bed with someone with SSA. You don’t get me. But you sure shouldn’t treat them like a rapist. Keep that eye on them at all times because you know if you fall asleep around them they are going to take advantage of you. People with SSA are normal people. Generally they don’t hit on straight people, make offensive or inappropriate comments about them, they generally aren’t waiting until you are vulnerable to sexually assault you.
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Yes I can see how her choice of wording is offensive to you. And I am terribly sorry you have to bear the cross of having SSA.
However, you do need to see it from a heterosexual woman’s perspective. The whole point in having friends that are girls is to be able to do the girl things I can not do with men. Like shopping for clothes which often means changing in front of each other. That is why unless a man is a husband or has a lot of patience and does not mind waiting outside a lot, I would not go shopping with them.
It is not intended to hurt or judge you. Some people just have different comfort zones and are not comfortable with certain behaviours.
Case in point. I have an anxiety disorder. If I have a panic attack in public it is not a pretty site. I need friends who understand when I all of a sudden out of the blue need to go be by myself for 20 minutes. I can not tell you how many people no matter how much I try to explain the medical concept of ‘anxiety disorder’ just don’t understand and take it personally that I walk away or worse feel they need to help me and follow me asking ‘Are you OK’. It is frustrating for me because no matter how much I tell them ‘You have no idea how upsetting it is for me when you ask if I am OK. Why can you just give me 20 minutes’. I have had to accept that because of my anxiety disorder, a lot of people will not want to be my friend. I can’t go around being mad at them
So the point is, yes it is not your fault you have SSA, but you need to accept some people will never want to be around it
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TrixieMcGee
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It is hard though to make friends being 1. a bisexual and 2. a military wife. I move every 3-4 years. It is hard to start over and over again and deal with women not wanting to be my friend because I am bisexual. Some won’t touch me or go near me, treating me like I am a sex offender. My husband is gone half the time and it would be inappropriate to hang out with guys (who are usually creepy about the fact that I am bi), and women won’t hang out with me.
So unfortunately, even though I did not choose this, I am ostracized. People who would ostracize me for something I didn’t choose are jerks.
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I am terrible sorry you are going through this. Personally, I can not hide my anxiety disorders because I have attackes in public. But just curious, how do these people find out you have SSA? It seems to me, if you more, you just don’t have to tell anyone
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TrixieMcGee
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BIG mistake to keep it secret. How do you explain situation like you can’t sleep in the same bed with them, or go into the dressing room, or dress around each other , ect. ect. ect. Plus people flip out if you keep it from them and then they find out. It is way too hard to hide it. How would you feel if you found out your good friend was bi and kept it from you? Lost friends for doing that.
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WingsOfEagles
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Do you have to mention the fact that you’re bi? You are married to a man, so it doesn’t seem like it needs to come up in conversation. How do they know you are? It could be the announcement that makes them feel awkward.
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TrixieMcGee
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Read my prior post hun. It isn’t that simple. You are darned if you do tell, darned if you don’t. Again how do you explain that you can’t sleep in the same bed, dress around them, go in the dressing room with them, have a girls weekend or have a girls night where people crash at the one girls house and stay in the same hotel room, ect. ect. ect. Those situations come up all the time. Plus I have also been in situations where they talk negatively and falsely about bisexuals and I correct them, so they ask, “What are you bi or something?” Surprisingly that has happened several times. When you answer honestly, they feel so betrayed and it has caused me to loose friends who I have gotten close to.
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EasterJoy
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I know women who say “sorry, it makes me uncomfortable. I like more privacy than that. Just leave me alone about it, sheesh.”
As to “what, are you bi or something?” that deserves a unbelieving Miss Manners stare followed by “I beg your pardon?”, because that is an incredibly rude comment whether you’re bisexual or not. If they cluelessly say, “why would you defend bisexuals if you’re not bisexual?” the reasonable answer is “because I’m decent human being who doesn’t keep her mouth shut just because ignorant remarks are aimed at someone who’s not there to defend themselves”. After all, if these same people talked negatively and falsely about blacks, men, the police, Germans, flamboyant dressers, movie stars, or anybody else, I’m thinking you’d chime in about that, too, right?
Or, if you want to spar with people who say that, you can say, “hey, you’re the one who’s disappointed when you can’t get all naked around other women, not me!”
There are both men and women who have a strong sense of privacy, and while they get some push-back, they stick to their guns. Your sexual orientation is the business of no one but a would-be spouse. Everyone else can just butt out.
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WingsOfEagles
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I’m sorry that you’ve had so many friends where these issues come up. The only one that would come up in my group of friends would be sleeping in the same bed/slumber parties. I might perhaps pretend to be shy about changing in front of others/bring a sleeping bag to avoid sleeping in the same bed.
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TrixieMcGee
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I think it comes up more when you are alone half of the time. Friends are always asking you to stay over especially if you are coming over for dinner. They start getting suspicious or offended when you tell them you aren’t going to sleep over. Also if you won’t go to the girls weekend even if your husband is going to be gone for the next month. They say things like, “Why not, your husband isn’t going to be home for a while,” or, “It isn’t good to spend that much time alone,” ect. ect. Also the dressing room or changing issue comes up a lot. It is hard getting close to someone when you lie to someone all the time or give them fake excuses.
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EasterJoy
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“It’s a matter of privacy…I am far more comfortable having more and giving more than most people seem to be these days” and “thanks, that’s very kind of you, but I’d rather not” and “I’ll be happier at home snoring in my own bed all to myself” are not fake excuses. Those things are all true. It is also true, I am quite sure, that you would in fact defend anyone who was being falsely depicted behind their backs. When you object to false generalizations about bisexuals, you are not only defending yourself. Why do I think I know that? Imagine that the answer was, “Oh, well, we don’t mean you!” I feel quite sure that such an ignorant add-on would not appease you! Saying that you defend bisexuals because the attacks being made on them are unfair is absolutely true, then.
People, even your close friends, do not have any right to have you disclose things about yourself that you don’t want to disclose. Withholding information is only a lie of omission when you withhold information from someone who had a right to know it. If a friend finds out that I was bisexual and was angry because I never told them, I would be miffed myself that this “friend” felt entitled to information I didn’t feel comfortable sharing. A friend would allow me to keep things private that I wanted to keep private, not act like they were owed “Freedom of Information” access to every corner of my soul. I know some people are like that (women in particular, I am afraid), but I find that whole very idea incredibly offensive. I don’t think anyone trying to defend it from a friend who is not an inveterate snoop herself would not have a leg to stand on.
My dad taught me this: if you have the habit of keeping your private information, it does not raise red flags when you choose not to talk about something people are snooping around about. It is only when you talk incessantly about everything about yourself until there is something you want to keep private that the “news hounds” smell gossip in the wind and swoop in like hungry vultures looking for a new carcass.
I don’t go so far as that, but I very much encourage my friends to keep things private that they do not want to talk about, even from me. I think that is entirely reasonable, and I think it gives me every right to claim the same amount of privacy for myself. I tell my friends they can keep things to themselves without any excuse for me, and when I choose not to talk about something (yes, it does happen
), I don’t feel any excuse is in order. People can just mind their own business, even my friends.
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TrixieMcGee
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Those all are fake excuses. I would rather not be myself and I don’t really like having much “private time”, I hate to be alone and the truth is I am not uncomfortable dressing in front of others, or sharing a bed with a friend, I just think it may be inappropriate especially if it is around a woman who doesn’t know that I have SSA. I have never had a situation where I was attracted to a friend, but I find it may be wise to keep the same rule of not dressing around women or sharing a bed with one across the board.“It’s a matter of privacy…I am far more comfortable having more and giving more than most people seem to be these days” and “thanks, that’s very kind of you, but I’d rather not” and “I’ll be happier at home snoring in my own bed all to myself” are not fake excuses. Those things are all true. It is also true, I am quite sure, that you would in fact defend anyone who was being falsely depicted behind their backs. When you object to false generalizations about bisexuals, you are not only defending yourself. Why do I think I know that? Imagine that the answer was, “Oh, well, we don’t mean you!” I feel quite sure that such an ignorant add-on would not appease you! Saying that you defend bisexuals because the attacks being made on them are unfair is absolutely true, then.
People, even your close friends, do not have any right to have you disclose things about yourself that you don’t want to disclose. Withholding information is only a lie of omission when you withhold information from someone who had a right to know it. If a friend finds out that I was bisexual and was angry because I never told them, I would be miffed myself that this “friend” felt entitled to information I didn’t feel comfortable sharing. A friend would allow me to keep things private that I wanted to keep private, not act like they were owed “Freedom of Information” access to every corner of my soul. I know some people are like that (women in particular, I am afraid), but I find that whole very idea incredibly offensive. I don’t think anyone trying to defend it from a friend who is not an inveterate snoop herself would not have a leg to stand on.
My dad taught me this: if you have the habit of keeping your private information, it does not raise red flags when you choose not to talk about something people are snooping around about. It is only when you talk incessantly about everything about yourself until there is something you want to keep private that the “news hounds” smell gossip in the wind and swoop in like hungry vultures looking for a new carcass.
I don’t go so far as that, but I very much encourage my friends to keep things private that they do not want to talk about, even from me. I think that is entirely reasonable, and I think it gives me every right to claim the same amount of privacy for myself. I tell my friends they can keep things to themselves without any excuse for me, and when I choose not to talk about something (yes, it does happen
Making up excuses all the time is not something I like to do with friends. I keep a lot of things secret, but my sexuality is not one of them. The fact of the matter is that it directly affects things I do or will not do with friends on a regular basis. Friends feel betrayed that I don’t tell them because they usually think it is a ploy to lure them into a false sense of security, or that they may not have gone swimming with me if they knew I was bi (because they aren’t comfortable being in a bathing suit with a woman with SSA), or wouldn’t have done this or that with me. It is hard enough to start over again and again, I can’t be too picky with friends, otherwise I would be so dang lonely.
I am not going to lie, I really wasn’t looking for advice, I have tried the fake excuse thing with friends, which I feel like I am constantly lying (which I hate), I have tried being honest and that may limit friends, but it seems to work better. It generally just ends up in me having no Catholic friends and all secular friends, which honestly is okay by me. I tend to get along better with non-Christians anyways.
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EasterJoy
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I do not mean that you would rather be by yourself all the time. I mean that you would rather sleep alone than sleep with them, and that is the truth. You are uncomfortabe undressing around others, just not for the same reason others are. Theirs is out of self-consciousness; yours is out of a desire to avoid disclosing what you would like to keep private but that you think would be their right to know and perhaps avoiding a near occasion of sin, were you to sleep with them (because obviously you know a mutual attraction is possible from your own perspective).
I am not trying to give you advice or deny your feelings about what feels right for you so much as to say that what I am suggesting is not and was not intended to be advising you or anyone in your situation to lie. My point was that maintaining one’s privacy is not a lie, and no offense against friendship, either. True friends respect your privacy. They don’t punish you or abandon you for daring to keep some for yourself.
Having said that, if this is the kind of treatment you have gotten from the Christian women you know, I can hardly blame you for not wanting to continue to hazard more of the same. It is highly unfortunate, because you have an attitude about Christians that comes from not having been treated in a Christian manner, but that is not your fault!
Obviously, were these Christians true to what we are taught, you would feel free to disclose everything about yourself, both things that you cannot help and things that are entirely your fault, you would not be judged. As for your choice not to sleep with them or engage in anything that might tempt you, not only would you not be judged, you rather would be commended. I’m sorry that’s not what you’ve experienced, but I do believe things are as you say.
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E_7
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Who assumed that?
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