How do you get over them?

[DarkLight]

How do you get past what your family really is like, rather than what you’d like it to be? Especially for those of us like me, where it’s not bad enough to be abusive yet it seems like you can never have a real relationship with your parents. How do you get to the point where they can’t keep hurting you?

My mother has always been extremely critical and controlling, even manipulative. She’s also pretty stubborn about insisting there’s nothing wrong with what she’s doing. It’s almost comical sometimes what she seems to end up hearing versus what I actually said. At this point even her compliments and concerns are critical. Yet I find myself still terrified of her temper and deeply hurt by her criticisms, even though I know they’re silly and that she can’t actually do anything to me.

How do you get past this?

 

[Ad_Orientem]

I strongly recommend getting expert, in-person advice on this issue, preferably from a priest and possibly from a psychologist or counselor, preferably a Catholic.

 

[DarkLight]

I strongly recommend getting expert, in-person advice on this issue, preferably from a priest and possibly from a psychologist or counselor, preferably a Catholic.

Counseling is not easy to come by, and I am not sure I yet trust our one priest here. I have been dismissed far too many times…the bias I have found is against young people in favor of their parents. It is hard to talk when many people will assume based on your age that you are unreasonable.

 

[sirach2v4]

Let’s say that we take you at your word about the dysfunctional family you find yourself in. First, welcome to the human race. This happens all the time, although I think I know some families where there is true love between parents and children.

From my own experience: stick with your faith in Jesus Christ, in union with the Catholic Church. In so many words, you say that you are suffering in your family. Until you can go off on your own and live in your own apartment or house, I say put up with it as best as you can.

Don’t even argue about it, if you can possibly avoid it. Let it sail over your head, for one thing. Second, try to waste as little time as possible with the mind control or whatever is going on.

YOU be the Christian in the family. Use the Bible for increasing your faith and developing your own healthy personality. Always do what is right. Love your parents as much as they permit.

As they age, they will need you, and you have to set boundaries for yourself and them.

My mother had a personality that centered around compulsive and obsessive thinking. She used to run down the neighbor lady to herself and to me. Now, I didn’t like the neighbor lady either. But, I just “let things go.” I told my mother, why don’t I go get a gun and you can shoot (the neighbor lady) and get over this. She said, don’t be silly. Ok, I said, I didn’t want to listen to my mother’s imaginative and belittling rant about this woman.

The word of God is a sword that is going to cut apart, going to bring out differences in family members. Once in a while, stick up for the gospel point of view.

I was so distracted by my own family, that I went to college and majored in psychology to figure things out. It didn’t immediately work out that way. It took me decades to figure out what was going on with my family, mentally. I couldn’t learn enough in four years to say exactly what was wrong with them. But, much, much later, I found textbook labels to put on my family members. Obsessive-compulsive disorder. Sado-masochistic personality (controlling, among other things) – like to say things just to hurt others, mentally. Just to inflict pain. Just to create divisions in the family.

And,helping these people change? Don’t even bother. You will just be painting a target on yourself.

You cannot solve all the problems of the world, not even of your family. Take some good time to take care of yourself. Read good books.

 

[EasterJoy]

Finding a real person to talk to is a good suggestion. Finding a professional is usually worth it. Counting your willingness to look past her blindnesses as earning yourself a good measure for the Lord to measure you by is another.

A willingness to have a sense of humor about your parents is another one that many people use to advantage. Gratitude for her good points is another. Think in terms of how you will see her when you have to bury her. Somehow the weak points don’t seem so bad.

Don’t be so certain that “she can’t actually do anything to me,” however. Your body may be safe from her, but your emotions and psyche might be vulnerable to the point of nakedness. You and she each know the “red buttons” and vulnerable spots of the other, even if one or both of you never think in those terms, but instead think in terms of “this will shut him/her up.” Take the assaults she makes on you seriously. Think and take care that you don’t thoughtlessly return in kind, but don’t minimize the hits you take, either. Debrief with friends, and go to the Lord for healing. Consider also which needs you desire to have her meet that she refuses to meet for you. Consciously (and without shame) find other ways to have those met. Try to let go of resentment that she was not the one that met your needs. If you count your suffering as penance for your own failures to meet the needs you ought to have met for others, that can help, too. Join your sufferings with the Passion, instead of counting them as something that shouldn’t hurt.

 

[EasterJoy]

Counseling is not easy to come by, and I am not sure I yet trust our one priest here. I have been dismissed far too many times…the bias I have found is against young people in favor of their parents. It is hard to talk when many people will assume based on your age that you are unreasonable.

It is sometimes bias against the reporter in favor of the person not there to defend himself or herself. When parents complain about their children, they can get the same thing from those who are trying to be fair-minded.

If you are in college, you can often get a certain amount of counselling for free. Consider that sort of avenue. Priests are not trained to be general counsellors, but many have a lot of experience with typical family complaints. What you are getting from your mother may be beyond that, however.

Even if you need a psychologist, though, a priest can help with the spiritual work of letting go of resentment and working towards a forgiving heart. Psychologists are not always so good at the spiritual side of healing. As one priest said, “even when the problem is psychological, the way to healing always includes the spiritual.” I think that is very true. One of the perils of modern counselling is that it can indulge a desire to wallow in self-pity. Even when you totally deserve to feel self-pity, it can be more like scratching at an open wound than anything healing. It really can make matters worse. Healing is the goal, don’t forget, not getting someone else to fathom just how much pain you’re in. Take it from the old folks: that isn’t the way out of emotional trauma. Only God can fathom your suffering, and God already does. God wants to free you from it, and it is wise to accept whatever help you can get in that direction.

 

[newcatholicwife]

I am an only child where both of my parents have mental illness. What helped me survive was extremely loving grandparents and an aunt. Also my husbands parents are in another country. He has been “adopted” by older father and mother figure friends. It really helps to find some stable and spiritual support when you cant find it in your parents. Dont let yourself be alone.
My aunt could never take the place of my mom but she is definately a rock for me where as my mom cant be one. I pray you find some support like this.<3

 

[DarkLight]

It is sometimes bias against the reporter in favor of the person not there to defend himself or herself. When parents complain about their children, they can get the same thing from those who are trying to be fair-minded.

If you are in college, you can often get a certain amount of counselling for free. Consider that sort of avenue. Priests are not trained to be general counsellors, but many have a lot of experience with typical family complaints. What you are getting from your mother may be beyond that, however.

Even if you need a psychologist, though, a priest can help with the spiritual work of letting go of resentment and working towards a forgiving heart. Psychologists are not always so good at the spiritual side of healing. As one priest said, “even when the problem is psychological, the way to healing always includes the spiritual.” I think that is very true. One of the perils of modern counselling is that it can indulge a desire to wallow in self-pity. Even when you totally deserve to feel self-pity, it can be more like scratching at an open wound than anything healing. It really can make matters worse. Healing is the goal, don’t forget, not getting someone else to fathom just how much pain you’re in. Take it from the old folks: that isn’t the way out of emotional trauma. Only God can fathom your suffering, and God already does. God wants to free you from it, and it is wise to accept whatever help you can get in that direction.

This can be the problem, often. There were things that were very wrong with my upbringing, even if they weren’t what people would recognize as abuse. Even if my mother thought she was doing the best. There are still things that are very wrong, yet so often when I speak it is treated as though it were normal.

That’s the hard part about families like mine. So many of the normal ways to solve problems don’t work. Like, I always heard to use “I” statements. They just encourage her to put everything on me, so if I’m hurt or upset it’s because I’m too sensitive. Compromise is another; if you start down that path you’ll end up meeting her halfway over and over until you’re right back to where you started.

She always said she didn’t yell. That was, strictly speaking, true - she didn’t raise her voice. But she’d make me sit there, for whatever minor crime, and go on and on about my faults until I cried, telling me I was an awful disobedient child who would end up ruined. And of course crying - another proof of my rebelliousness - was also punishable.

I don’t know what to think. I think she thought because she never yelled her temper was under control. I think she’d really been fed the line from fundamentalism, that if you don’t break a child completely they’ll never follow God. I think she saw ordinary teenage things as signs of deep problems, and even was disposed to see normal things as defiance against her.

 

[EasterJoy]

This can be the problem, often. There were things that were very wrong with my upbringing, even if they weren’t what people would recognize as abuse. Even if my mother thought she was doing the best. There are still things that are very wrong, yet so often when I speak it is treated as though it were normal.

That’s the hard part about families like mine. So many of the normal ways to solve problems don’t work. Like, I always heard to use “I” statements. They just encourage her to put everything on me, so if I’m hurt or upset it’s because I’m too sensitive. Compromise is another; if you start down that path you’ll end up meeting her halfway over and over until you’re right back to where you started.

She always said she didn’t yell. That was, strictly speaking, true - she didn’t raise her voice. But she’d make me sit there, for whatever minor crime, and go on and on about my faults until I cried, telling me I was an awful disobedient child who would end up ruined. And of course crying - another proof of my rebelliousness - was also punishable.

I don’t know what to think. I think she thought because she never yelled her temper was under control. I think she’d really been fed the line from fundamentalism, that if you don’t break a child completely they’ll never follow God. I think she saw ordinary teenage things as signs of deep problems, and even was disposed to see normal things as defiance against her.

Many people I know got some variation on “if you don’t change, no one will want to live with you” and “don’t cry unless you want me to give you something to cry about” but that does not mean you did not get it worse. I mean that if you tell your story, you are likely to be believed but perhaps otherwise well-meaning people won’t realize that your case was beyond the typical range of parenting mistakes. They’ll want to find common ground and will presume you really mean that your mom was like theirs–or their grandma, or whoever their most “difficult” relative was. That response can feel like not being believed at all, as if you are telling some kind of a “fish story,” or are in a “whose relative was really the worst” contest. You don’t need that.

It is OK to conclude that you have tried the normal range of techniques for reconciliation, to no avail. It sounds as if you have confirmed that her parental overkill is beyond the typical range of parenting mistakes, too. I’d very much encourage anyone whose experience falls outside the range that is believed by their friends and those close to them to seek professional help with dealing with that. Also, if the first professional doesn’t help, find a different one. Counsellors are human, with human limitations, and don’t all listen equally well to all problems or all temperament types. If you don’t fit the first counsellor’s tool kit, politely move on. It is OK. They are there to help you, not there so you can stroke them for how helpful they are. A lot of angst, time and money can be saved by giving yourself that permission. They are professionals; they will cope with it. The best ones will encourage you to do it.

If you cannot find help for the time being, consider self-help techniques such as journaling. Give yourself permission to look for ways to overcome what you are struggling with. You are on the right track, you can do it, and you are meant to be free of it.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Any chance of moving away,

 

[DarkLight]

Many people I know got some variation on “if you don’t change, no one will want to live with you” and “don’t cry unless you want me to give you something to cry about” but that does not mean you did not get it worse. I mean that if you tell your story, you are likely to be believed but perhaps otherwise well-meaning people won’t realize that your case was beyond the typical range of parenting mistakes. They’ll want to find common ground and will presume you really mean that your mom was like theirs–or their grandma, or whoever their most “difficult” relative was. That response can feel like not being believed at all, as if you are telling some kind of a “fish story,” or are in a “whose relative was really the worst” contest. You don’t need that.

Yeah. Except in my case it was “if you don’t learn to control your temper you’re going to end up spending your life in jail for assault” for talking back to my mother. It’s hard to tell really. Things slide so seamlessly from normal to just not normal to rather insane sometimes. I learned more of the problems initially from my own reactions rather than actually recognizing what was going on.

It is OK to conclude that you have tried the normal range of techniques for reconciliation, to no avail. It sounds as if you have confirmed that her parental overkill is beyond the typical range of parenting mistakes, too.

Yeah pretty much. At this point…there’s not much you can do with someone who’s already made up their mind. And as best I can tell she’s made up her mind, she’s got her checklist for being a mature adult, I don’t meet it, and I don’t intend to.

I’d very much encourage anyone whose experience falls outside the range that is believed by their friends and those close to them to seek professional help with dealing with that. Also, if the first professional doesn’t help, find a different one. Counsellors are human, with human limitations, and don’t all listen equally well to all problems or all temperament types. If you don’t fit the first counsellor’s tool kit, politely move on. It is OK. They are there to help you, not there so you can stroke them for how helpful they are. A lot of angst, time and money can be saved by giving yourself that permission. They are professionals; they will cope with it. The best ones will encourage you to do it.

If you cannot find help for the time being, consider self-help techniques such as journaling. Give yourself permission to look for ways to overcome what you are struggling with. You are on the right track, you can do it, and you are meant to be free of it.

I’ve just had a lot of trouble with counselors in the past, of various sorts. Had some really damaging ones too, so I’m a bit leery there.

Any chance of moving away,

Oh I don’t live with them. It’s just…it’s at the point where even seeing them once a year seems to be too much. And yet I deeply want a family, I really do.

 

[DarkLight]

Let’s say that we take you at your word about the dysfunctional family you find yourself in. First, welcome to the human race. This happens all the time, although I think I know some families where there is true love between parents and children.

From my own experience: stick with your faith in Jesus Christ, in union with the Catholic Church. In so many words, you say that you are suffering in your family. Until you can go off on your own and live in your own apartment or house, I say put up with it as best as you can.

Don’t even argue about it, if you can possibly avoid it. Let it sail over your head, for one thing. Second, try to waste as little time as possible with the mind control or whatever is going on.

YOU be the Christian in the family. Use the Bible for increasing your faith and developing your own healthy personality. Always do what is right. Love your parents as much as they permit.

As they age, they will need you, and you have to set boundaries for yourself and them.

My mother had a personality that centered around compulsive and obsessive thinking. She used to run down the neighbor lady to herself and to me. Now, I didn’t like the neighbor lady either. But, I just “let things go.” I told my mother, why don’t I go get a gun and you can shoot (the neighbor lady) and get over this. She said, don’t be silly. Ok, I said, I didn’t want to listen to my mother’s imaginative and belittling rant about this woman.

The word of God is a sword that is going to cut apart, going to bring out differences in family members. Once in a while, stick up for the gospel point of view.

I was so distracted by my own family, that I went to college and majored in psychology to figure things out. It didn’t immediately work out that way. It took me decades to figure out what was going on with my family, mentally. I couldn’t learn enough in four years to say exactly what was wrong with them. But, much, much later, I found textbook labels to put on my family members. Obsessive-compulsive disorder. Sado-masochistic personality (controlling, among other things) – like to say things just to hurt others, mentally. Just to inflict pain. Just to create divisions in the family.

And,helping these people change? Don’t even bother. You will just be painting a target on yourself.

You cannot solve all the problems of the world, not even of your family. Take some good time to take care of yourself. Read good books.

I’ve been out for a while. Like I said…I’m just at the point where I really want a family. Being away physically gives you time to miss them and wish you could be a happy loving family. Even a day with my mother is stressful to the point where I feel physically knotted up.

Everything about me seems to be wrong to her. The most measured bit of anger is a raging out of control temper, the calmest disengagement is defiance, the most polite defense of myself is disrespectful. The only acceptable option is to listen and placate her until she calms down, admitting every fault she brings up and begging her forgiveness. Any human failing, even my own ill health, is proof of my depravity. I left her fundamentalist church, and it seems my every action is proof of how lost I am without them. I am, but not for the reasons she thinks!

I want a family and I want to love her and I am angry at her and I am hurt by her.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I want a family and I want to love her and I am angry at her and I am hurt by her.

I accepted that I couldn’t change things with my dad when I became a mother. Having a child made me realise that he simply didn’t matter anymore. My whole life I was dealing with a seriously toxic man. There was no father-daughter relationship, just criticism, manipulation, lies, attempts of destroying my self respect and self esteem, attempts of creating co-dependency, etc. When I became a mother I finally understood and accepted that I never really had a father. I had lots of drama with that person, but he was never a real father. And his drama ceased to matter at that point.

Focus on the future and the possibility of you having your own family one day. You being a good, loving, *normal *mother to your children. You don’t have to be a prisoner of your difficult relationship with your mother, it doesn’t have to define you forever. Being loved and loving others will help you heal. This is what I would focus on if I were you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah. Except in my case it was “if you don’t learn to control your temper you’re going to end up spending your life in jail for assault” for talking back to my mother. It’s hard to tell really. Things slide so seamlessly from normal to just not normal to rather insane sometimes. I learned more of the problems initially from my own reactions rather than actually recognizing what was going on.

Yeah pretty much. At this point…there’s not much you can do with someone who’s already made up their mind. And as best I can tell she’s made up her mind, she’s got her checklist for being a mature adult, I don’t meet it, and I don’t intend to.

I’ve just had a lot of trouble with counselors in the past, of various sorts. Had some really damaging ones too, so I’m a bit leery there.

She thought you’d wind up arrested and convicted because you talked back? Well, living well is the best revenge, then, isn’t it?

If a mother says things like that and never laughs later out how ridiculous they were–if you don’t get your hand out of that window, young man, something is going to come close to the car and rip your arm right off, and don’t come crying to me when it does–or doesn’t at least allow you to laugh at it, then I’d agree with you. It deserves some mourning and it deserves some shaking of the head and, later on down the line when you are better, you can laugh at it, too, if you ever want to. It doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously. You are on the right track.

Counsellors can be very helpful, but you are by no means sunk if you can’t find one. It is easier to remodel your house with a general contractor, but it also isn’t rocket science to do it yourself. I am afraid to say that you can probably find others who’ve gone through similar things, too–that is, have endured parental failure beyond the normal human mistakes that all parents make. Do your homework, and you can do this yourself. You’re more prone to rookie mistakes, but as the saying goes “any landing you walk away from is a good one.” You are going to make it through this. Don’t fear that you can’t get better without finding that magic counsellor. It bodes well for you that you could reject the work of those who weren’t getting the job done for you. You know where you want to go. You have a sense of yourself. You’re going to get through this.

 

[DarkLight]

I accepted that I couldn’t change things with my dad when I became a mother. Having a child made me realise that he simply didn’t matter anymore. My whole life I was dealing with a seriously toxic man. There was no father-daughter relationship, just criticism, manipulation, lies, attempts of destroying my self respect and self esteem, attempts of creating co-dependency, etc. When I became a mother I finally understood and accepted that I never really had a father. I had lots of drama with that person, but he was never a real father. And his drama ceased to matter at that point.

Focus on the future and the possibility of you having your own family one day. You being a good, loving, *normal *mother to your children. You don’t have to be a prisoner of your difficult relationship with your mother, it doesn’t have to define you forever. Being loved and loving others will help you heal. This is what I would focus on if I were you.

I’m never going to be a mother. I have no desire for children. I have almost no attraction to men at all. And even if the first two were present, with my medical situation it would be an awful awful risk.

She thought you’d wind up arrested and convicted because you talked back? Well, living well is the best revenge, then, isn’t it?

If a mother says things like that and never laughs later out how ridiculous they were–if you don’t get your hand out of that window, young man, something is going to come close to the car and rip your arm right off, and don’t come crying to me when it does–or doesn’t at least allow you to laugh at it, then I’d agree with you. It deserves some mourning and it deserves some shaking of the head and, later on down the line when you are better, you can laugh at it, too, if you ever want to. It doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously. You are on the right track.

Counsellors can be very helpful, but you are by no means sunk if you can’t find one. It is easier to remodel your house with a general contractor, but it also isn’t rocket science to do it yourself. I am afraid to say that you can probably find others who’ve gone through similar things, too–that is, have endured parental failure beyond the normal human mistakes that all parents make. Do your homework, and you can do this yourself. You’re more prone to rookie mistakes, but as the saying goes “any landing you walk away from is a good one.” You are going to make it through this. Don’t fear that you can’t get better without finding that magic counsellor. It bodes well for you that you could reject the work of those who weren’t getting the job done for you. You know where you want to go. You have a sense of yourself. You’re going to get through this.

If you’re familiar at all with fundamentalism you’ll know it encourages that sort of thing. Parents were told if they did not utterly break a child’s will the child would end up being a lazy entitled adult who cared nothing for faith or anything beyond their own momentary pleasure. Every little bit of “rebellion” had to be utterly destroyed - combined of course with a mentality that encouraged seeing any undesirable behavior as rebellion.

I don’t know if she really thought such things. I know that, looking back, her temper was not under control. I think she at least really believed I did the things I did intentionally to get at her. She still does tend to see things that way - I almost laughed when she asked about my clothing when I was going to grow out of my “rebellious style.” And that’s the hard part I think, that she still tends to see my actions and choices as about her.

 

[holyrood]

I want a family and I want to love her and I am angry at her and I am hurt by her.

I moved very far away when I was 24, due to similar family issues and worse. I soon started missing ‘home’ and ‘family.’ I visited every year with my kids. Visits were such hell that I thought if we could live maybe in the state so the kids could see their grandparents in small doses, that would solve the problem. I thought my dad had gotten better over the years, mellowed out. Turns out I was insanely wrong. Crazy wrong. Five years ago was the last straw with both my parents. I simply stay away from them now. I stay clear of their toxic behavior.

How I deal with it is by just coming to accept that I don’t have a family. That’s just how it is. I remind myself there are REASONS why I stay away, that nothing is better than abuse. I do my own thing. I make my own friends. I focus on raising my kids well, being a good employee, treating my students well, living my life well. Word gets back to me of things my mother is saying and doing (snotty cracks about me and ‘all those kids’ for instance, never mind that she WANTED me to be Catholic…) And I see again that I’m happier not being around that sort of thing.

I go to my adult children of alcoholics forum if I need to talk. I come here. I pray for them. I sing my theme song: youtube.com/watch?v=QZr-LIzD-dI

I haven’t missed ‘having a family’ in years.

 

[me_alone]

How I deal with it is by just coming to accept that I don’t have a family. That’s just how it is. I remind myself there are REASONS why I stay away, that nothing is better than abuse. I do my own thing. I make my own friends.

I

Sometimes you just have to do it.
Its just like being married to an abusive person you no choice but to move on.

I’ve struggled as a single parent for fen years with no family support what so ever.
there is nothing you can do to change your family OP

There are plenty of nice people out in the world you can get to know.And use ssesacraments of the Church. If you can find a good confessor take it all to the sacrament of reconciliation it will help you through.

Spend a lot of time in front of the blessed sacrament take it to Jesus it will help you through it.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Sometimes it helps if a person trips your triggers - or if later situations trigger the original triggers - to attack it as a form of spiritual warfare. Satan doesn’t play fair, and what he’s doing is exploiting whatever your mother’s weaknesses are to make her into a distorted version of what she could be. Her beliefs about child rearing, her beliefs about her own self worth (or lack thereof) - whatever the devil can take and twist and warp in her - then when he’s formed her into an effective weapon, he points her at you. Then he can take down two souls that much more quickly.

That’s why I propose this remedy - along with the others - pray the St. Michael prayer, the Memorare to Our Lady, and the Apostles’ Creed. The Apostles’ Creed reaffirms one’s baptismal promises - you can also find the text of renewal of baptismal promises used at the Easter Vigil and do it that way - a powerful weapon against Satan. In times of being tempted to despair the worst, whatever life threw at me, whether it was other people being mean, or poverty, or whatever, if I got to where I truly wanted to throw in the towel, I recognized that as a temptation and used these spiritual weapons to fight back. What it does, is, it gives you strength, reminds you that with God on your side, the truth about who you really are, your own goodness, will win out over the lies and distortions. God bless you, and I will pray for you today when I go to Adoration. :hug3:

 

[Sunbreak]

Sometimes it’s best just to have only minimal contact with family members who are like that. I remember having to mentally prepare myself every time I visited my parents because of my father’s critical nature. In my case, I lived across the country from them so I did not have to see them very often and I did not have much phone contact either.

 

[DarkLight]

Part of what’s hard for me is that she really does seem trapped somehow. It’s like interacting with someone who just seems to be in a different reality from you. Actions I take are proof positive of things that make no sense to me. So for example, my having an alternative style is proof in and of itself that I have no idea how to dress for work - even though she’s both never worked in my field and never seen me dress for work.

She seems to literally not recognize what she’s doing; I’ll say she needs to not poke at my body or make unsolicited comments and she thinks this means I can’t stand so much as a tap on the shoulder or being told I’ve got food on my cheek - because in her mind that’s all she’s doing. When I describe what she’s doing she’s offended that I’d suggest something she’s NEVER done.

She feels like I dismiss her and don’t listen to her; I feel like she’s confused listening and agreement. I don’t know what to believe. She seems to believe her reality, that I’m a rebellious child on the path to ruination who doesn’t care about anything she says, and she seems desperate to stop me from destroying my life.