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Buck_Crosswhite
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Move.
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DarkLight
Guest
Might I suggest reading the parts of the thread where I said I don’t live with them before commenting?
This thread is not about having to put up with someone you live with. In fact it wouldn’t be possible if I did, because I’d still be stuck lying and hiding everything from her so I could scrounge up enough to get out and go somewhere other than the street. I’m tired of doing that. The thread is about how do you handle the realization that you want a loving family and the only one you’re getting is critical and demanding and hurts you to be around them. Yet you still love them, and you don’t want to punish them by cutting off the relationship when they’re not intentionally hurting you.
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me_alone
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you have my empathy and my prayers. I feel your hurt and pain but you wont change your family. It really is a case of get use to it and love them as much as you can possibly bare, just like Saint Therese of the Little flower you will have to be like a saint.
and just find loving friends
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DarkLight
Guest
I think this is part of my struggle. I feel like for every flaw in my mother I have to be perfect. I’m not a saint, and I don’t feel like I’m getting any better at handling her. On the contrary the more I’m away the shorter I find my temper when she’s around and starts in on me. Yet I feel I need to be a perfect saint around her. Anything at all I do that could be interpreted as wrong will be proof that I’m on a sure road to perdition.
Part of why I don’t want to tell her about my faith is that it would immediately give her more reason to think badly of Catholicism. If I’m such an awful, rude, disrespectful, out-of-control young adult how could my faith ever be anything but a terrible influence?
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3DOCTORS
Guest
I think you nailed it when you said her perception of reality is always going to be different. It’s probably driven by tremendous anxiety within her that would take her going into counseling to unravel, much less heal. You can pray for God to heal it, that would be a kind thing for her and make your life easier.
It’s understandable that when you get away from her for awhile and start to reclaim your sanity, it would be even harder when you go back. It’d be like falling back down the rabbit hole.
Is there any other relative nearby in whom you could confide, who could come with you sometimes (if they’re prepared to handle the surreality of it all and not get sucked in themselves, or upset, and if it wouldn’t be too horribly embarrassing to you)? If you had someone else who saw the reality of the situation and her distortions, and had your back - and if it was someone who could gently point out to your mom “Now, (Mom), that’s how a lot of people dress these days,” or “Really, in the grand scheme of things does it matter that much? She’ll be fine.”
I don’t know if these types of reassurances would work or just antagonize her more. When people are uptight and have distorted thinking, they are very tricky to deal with. But it might be worth a try.
Also, if I may ask - is your father in the picture at all? Can he be of any help to you? Siblings - or are you an only like me?
It’s understandable that when you get away from her for awhile and start to reclaim your sanity, it would be even harder when you go back. It’d be like falling back down the rabbit hole.
Is there any other relative nearby in whom you could confide, who could come with you sometimes (if they’re prepared to handle the surreality of it all and not get sucked in themselves, or upset, and if it wouldn’t be too horribly embarrassing to you)? If you had someone else who saw the reality of the situation and her distortions, and had your back - and if it was someone who could gently point out to your mom “Now, (Mom), that’s how a lot of people dress these days,” or “Really, in the grand scheme of things does it matter that much? She’ll be fine.”
I don’t know if these types of reassurances would work or just antagonize her more. When people are uptight and have distorted thinking, they are very tricky to deal with. But it might be worth a try.
Also, if I may ask - is your father in the picture at all? Can he be of any help to you? Siblings - or are you an only like me?
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DarkLight
Guest
I’m an only child. My father is the peacemaker, far too much. He’s the one when she runs off and cries who comes and asks me how could I say that to my mother, don’t I know I hurt her, shouldn’t I apologize? He’s always given her everything she wanted. I hated it as a child - I could tell when he thought she wasn’t being fair, but he never said anything. Even when I knew I was only in trouble because she was in a bad mood, or couldn’t give clear directions, or something.
He tries to “keep the peace” by keeping all signs of conflict away. As though we could just go back to the way we were when I was a child keeping my mouth shut. As though if I just never spoke up or opposed my mother in any way, that would be a good option. It’s very frustrating because we otherwise have a good relationship, it’s just when it comes to her he takes her side no matter how unreasonable he acknowledges her to be.
He tries to “keep the peace” by keeping all signs of conflict away. As though we could just go back to the way we were when I was a child keeping my mouth shut. As though if I just never spoke up or opposed my mother in any way, that would be a good option. It’s very frustrating because we otherwise have a good relationship, it’s just when it comes to her he takes her side no matter how unreasonable he acknowledges her to be.
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3DOCTORS
Guest
My situation was similar - that and interactions with two friends and myself convinced me that triangles of people tend to be difficult to navigate. That’s one of the frustrations of being an only, no way to escape that triangle
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