How do you get your partner to be abstinent?

[Caroline723]

I don’t know what prevents you from marrying him now, but perhaps it’s time to re-examine that. If you are certain about this guy, then don’t postpone marriage to him.

 

[ToTheCross]

Sorry guys, I don’t know how to quote multiple people in one post.

Aggies08 – that makes a lot of sense and I feel the same way. And I haven’t been receiving communion (though still going to mass) so some of the threats on here about this destroying my soul are hitting pretty close to home. If it’s ok to ask you such a personal question, how did he come around to being ok with abstinence? Was it an uphill battle or did you both sort of grow in the faith at the same time? You don’t have to answer, esp on a thread, if you don’t want.

JackieMom – I am a year away from a med degree and being sent pretty far for an externship soon, I will not be living in with my partner at that time but also will not be able to find a new place where my school is till September. But I guess that would be taking your advice and no cohabitation would happen. It is difficult to juggle other things with all the studying I have to do but that’s peanuts considering last year I finally just started focusing on Jesus and trusting everything else would fall into place. Blunt is what people need sometimes.

Hat4 – thank you for the prayers. I know about the higher divorce rate and have read a lot of articles about it. I don’t think I fall into the stereotypes, esp. since many of the articles are about people who sleep around and thankfully, that doesn’t include my fiancé or myself. Thank you for including the good in with the bad. I guess my biggest source of confusion is I don’t understand how stopping cohabitation would save my personal divorce rate, since I’m going to get married to him. It seems to me at this point if we divorce, it will happen whether we stop cohabitating or not…Although I have told him well in advance of him proposing that I don’t believe in divorce, I would rather suffer in an unhappy marriage (though not abusive). Though I guess no one can see the future.

Caroline 723 I would love to get married next weekend and be done with the whole sorry mess (we’ve been together 5+ years and would have gotten married after 2 but I had not wanted to at that time). However I am still a student and that cuts time short for wedding planning and I suffer only child syndrome – my mother wants a pretty big wedding though I would be happy with just the parents, grandparents, his brother, and a couple friends on each side. However, I have a HUGE extended family and it would be a bad insult not to invite them (esp. since again, my mother has talked it up). Additionally one set of my grandparents is very ill and my family would appreciate me not setting things in stone until that settles down…so complicated…or I’m just making it so. That being said, I am also being told by practically everyone that it will cost $10-20K…which again, as a student, I do not have, so I would need time to find good deals and make sure my student loan could stretch to cover the excess. From that point of time it makes sense for me to wait a year and get a job…except for the whole moral thing

 

[aemcpa]

I don’t know what prevents you from marrying him now, but perhaps it’s time to re-examine that. If you are certain about this guy, then don’t postpone marriage to him.

“But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

 

[theyoungmonk]

I would marry him ASAP, dont bother with the big ceramony, I know it may upset youre parents but you could make up for it saying that you want a small private ceramony, that is only immediate family and youre closest friends. You dont even have to have a real reception just go for a meal out together.

Then you can have a big “renewal of vows” etc on an aniversary when you have more money, tbh I think that waiting just to have a big wedding esp in a situation such as yours is very unwise.

 

[ahollars]

I would marry him ASAP, dont bother with the big ceramony, I know it may upset youre parents but you could make up for it saying that you want a small private ceramony, that is only immediate family and youre closest friends. You dont even have to have a real reception just go for a meal out together.

Then you can have a big “renewal of vows” etc on an aniversary when you have more money, tbh I think that waiting just to have a big wedding esp in a situation such as yours is very unwise.

I second this.

OP: It is your wedding, not your mother’s or anyone else. Marriage is a sacrament, and sacraments are rites that belong to the Church. They are not private events that belong to the family. Your family will have to get over it, and the only explanation you need to give is that you couldn’t wait any longer. There is nothing wrong with admitting that. It is better to receive the grace of God than to placate family by offending God.

Tell your priest to pick a date as soon as the bishop allows. The last thing you need is to still be paying off credit cards from a wedding after the first child is born. Big weddings are overrated anyways. Smaller weddings are better for pictures, less work, less stress, and less expensive.

I don’t want to alarm you, but there will be consequences to what you have done already. Be prepared, and you can minimize the impact. Go forward and God bless.

 

[Kelfa28]

This is an excellent post. One thing to remember is living together before marriage more than doubles your chance of divorce. Of course everyone says “That’s not us, we’re different” and yet they usually end up part of the divorce statistics. The exception to that is if you are engaged to be married before you move in together. Not engaged to be engaged but engaged with the date set and everything in motion. Then you’re still more likely to get divorced but the numbers aren’t as scary. Either way if you are serious about a happy marriage and staying married then why would you do anything to risk that simply for short term convenience? On the plus side if you’ve both only been with each other then your chances of infidelity after marriage go down tremendously. Also, sharing the same faith and attending services weekly are a big indicator for marital happiness and longevity. I didn’t want to focus solely on the negative so I wanted to point out what you are doing that will be good for your marriage also. I never lived with my wife before we got married but from the research I did we decided to be abstinent for 6 months before the wedding. I’m not going to lie, it sucked, but I had to decide what or who was more important to me. I wish you both the best and will include you in our prayers tonight.

Maybe the numbers are there.

But there are plenty of people…such as my husband and I…who moved in together before we were engaged. Were deep in sin and repented. We both converted and stopped (we couldn’t move out) but we made promises to each other and remained totally chaste until marriage for quite some time.
We actually did live like brother and sister.

It seriously concerns me to read posts that suggest that my marriage is still open to infidelity and divorce despite repenting and changing.

I don’t think this applies to couples who change.

The thought that either I or my husband will cheat on or decide to divorce is totally foreign to me and frankly, insulting to me…since my marriage is sacramental. It’s almost as if having a good sacramental marriage doesn’t apply to us.

Who is to say that the OP won’t change or her boyfriend won’t change either.

I truly think these numbers only apply to people who aren’t devoted to their faith and don’t choose to change their ways. What happens if we decided to convert after we got married?

 

[mwncheesehead]

Move out, and simply stop caving to his requests for extramarital sex. If he can’t get on-board with that, and does not understand at all why it’s important to be chaste before marriage, you might need to move on from the relationship. Why try to force a square peg into a round hole while you still have the option of walking away? It won’t get any better when you are married and want to use NFP to space pregnancies. He’ll balk at needing to remain abstinent for, often, weeks at a time.

 

[Kelfa28]

Caroline 723 I would love to get married next weekend and be done with the whole sorry mess (we’ve been together 5+ years and would have gotten married after 2 but I had not wanted to at that time). However I am still a student and that cuts time short for wedding planning and I suffer only child syndrome – my mother wants a pretty big wedding though I would be happy with just the parents, grandparents, his brother, and a couple friends on each side. However, I have a HUGE extended family and it would be a bad insult not to invite them (esp. since again, my mother has talked it up). Additionally one set of my grandparents is very ill and my family would appreciate me not setting things in stone until that settles down…so complicated…or I’m just making it so. That being said, I am also being told by practically everyone that it will cost $10-20K…which again, as a student, I do not have, so I would need time to find good deals and make sure my student loan could stretch to cover the excess. From that point of time it makes sense for me to wait a year and get a job…except for the whole moral thing

Forget the big wedding.

I couldn’t be more serious. Just forget it. It’s your wedding and not your family’s wedding. You need to get over it. Both of your souls are at stake here and that is FAR more important.

My husband and I spent less then $4,000 on our wedding. We got married within 8 months of getting engaged.
We made sure the Church and our reception hall was booked first. Then we went right to work concentrating on our pre-cana and marriage prep. Invites were sent out quick and WE settled on our list (no one else…WE decided on the final number).

I didn’t get a dress until 3 weeks before the date. I didn’t even get it altered because the shop didn’t have time to. The cake, flowers and food were ALL last minute (literally the week before).

If your family has an issue that is there problem and not yours. Its YOUR wedding and not there wedding.
There is no excuses when it comes to figuring out your situation. My husband and I knew the only way to rectify our situation was to GET MARRIED.
We managed to plan a wedding and marriage prep, go through RCIA, buy a house together and have our first child (yes, I was pregnant).
Hubby was working full time and I was working and in school.

We made it work and did it all. There is no reason why you can’t either. If your salvation is that important to you then you shouldn’t be making tons of excuses that will take years and years to work through. You will continue to live in sin and won’t have any reason to change.

When I realized that I was living in serious sin…right when my husband and I were looking into converting and started reading the Catechism and Catholic teachings…it literally lit a fire under my butt. I wanted to correct my situation and get right with God.
I wanted to get married sacramentally as quickly as possible and I didn’t care what kind of sacrifices I needed to make to have that happen.

As a result, we didn’t make our families too happy at first. They got over it.

I was in your situation. I get where you’re coming from, sort of. The difference between us is the second I realized I was living in sin…I wanted to correct the problem.
That meant marriage.
We got engaged and booked a wedding date for as soon as the parish would let us.

If I can do it…then there is absolutely no reason you can’t or you need to wait.

Stay chaste until your wedding night. You should’t need to explain yourself. My husband didn’t really want to stay chaste. He actually wanted to wait until his baptism into the Church before we started remaining chaste. That would have been literally 3 weeks before our wedding.

I told him no. We start practicing chastity now.
He understood and no questions were asked, comments weren’t made and no arguments ensued.
If he loves you…he would be totally fine with this. I’m serious. He wouldn’t need an explanation or a reason why. If he does…he is not worth your time.

I’m sorry to be blunt…but i was in your situation. My husband and I figured it out. You can too.

 

[mwncheesehead]

To the Cross, my prayers for you as you find whatever way it takes to live out the Commandments, whether easy or difficult. Remember that sexual union represents the unity found in marriage, so there’s a world of difference between sex the night before your wedding and sex on your wedding night. Your bodies and hearts are telling each other that you’re giving yourselves totally to each other, but you really haven’t yet, because you haven’t yet made your all-important marriage vows.

 

[The_Bucket]

Forget the big wedding.

I couldn’t be more serious. Just forget it. It’s your wedding and not your family’s wedding. You need to get over it. Both of your souls are at stake here and that is FAR more important.

My husband and I spent less then $4,000 on our wedding. We got married within 8 months of getting engaged.
We made sure the Church and our reception hall was booked first. Then we went right to work concentrating on our pre-cana and marriage prep. Invites were sent out quick and WE settled on our list (no one else…WE decided on the final number).

I didn’t get a dress until 3 weeks before the date. I didn’t even get it altered because the shop didn’t have time to. The cake, flowers and food were ALL last minute (literally the week before).

If your family has an issue that is there problem and not yours. Its YOUR wedding and not there wedding.
There is no excuses when it comes to figuring out your situation. My husband and I knew the only way to rectify our situation was to GET MARRIED.
We managed to plan a wedding and marriage prep, go through RCIA, buy a house together and have our first child (yes, I was pregnant).
Hubby was working full time and I was working and in school.

We made it work and did it all. There is no reason why you can’t either. If your salvation is that important to you then you shouldn’t be making tons of excuses that will take years and years to work through. You will continue to live in sin and won’t have any reason to change.

When I realized that I was living in serious sin…right when my husband and I were looking into converting and started reading the Catechism and Catholic teachings…it literally lit a fire under my butt. I wanted to correct my situation and get right with God.
I wanted to get married sacramentally as quickly as possible and I didn’t care what kind of sacrifices I needed to make to have that happen.

As a result, we didn’t make our families too happy at first. They got over it.

I was in your situation. I get where you’re coming from, sort of. The difference between us is the second I realized I was living in sin…I wanted to correct the problem.
That meant marriage.
We got engaged and booked a wedding date for as soon as the parish would let us.

If I can do it…then there is absolutely no reason you can’t or you need to wait.

Stay chaste until your wedding night. You should’t need to explain yourself. My husband didn’t really want to stay chaste. He actually wanted to wait until his baptism into the Church before we started remaining chaste. That would have been literally 3 weeks before our wedding.

I told him no. We start practicing chastity now.
He understood and no questions were asked, comments weren’t made and no arguments ensued.
If he loves you…he would be totally fine with this. I’m serious. He wouldn’t need an explanation or a reason why. If he does…he is not worth your time.

I’m sorry to be blunt…but i was in your situation. My husband and I figured it out. You can too.

This is an excellent post from someone in the OP’s shoes. I’m never one to tell people to “go with the advice of St. Paul and marry so you don’t burn too hot” but this is a case where all the pieces are apparently in place. He’s agreeing to use NFP. You’re living together and the only thing keeping you from marriage is a parent’s wish for a lavish ceremony. As so many other posters said… this is your wedding and your marriage. Not your parents.

I know there will be some caution to just go ahead and marry this guy because of the existing premarital relations and his “disrespect towards you” but look… the flesh is weak. Who among us has not been guilty of some kind of fleshly sin be it drinking or sex or excessive eating or whatnot at some point in our lives? I’m not excusing the behavior, but I also note that it takes two to tango here. His being a bear to live with after 4 months of abstinence is really no different than a husband (or wife) being a bear in a similar situation.

Right now I’m in the postpartum lull and I know I’m a bit annoying to my wife on that front. The difference, of course, is that we have a marital bond that keeps us together. Keeps her assured that I love her even if I’m a little stressed. And that I’m assured that she’s also annoyed by the same circumstances and that we’re getting through it together. Same with the times when we have to TTA using NFP. We’ve got that underlying agreement and sacramental bond.

So I get why the OP’s boyfriend/fiance would act the way that he is. It’s totally understandable. There should always be caution when choosing someone somewhat “unequally yoked” in that his faith is not as strong, at least on the surface. But otherwise, I think Kelfa has made tons of great points.

 

[ToTheCross]

theyoungmonk – I’m not sure how well that would fly. Inspired by kelfa28 I started getting wedding details together. If immediate family were to include my parents’ siblings (4 on each side) and their families, my list of family is ~45, my fiancé’s 20. I would love to gut those numbers to the ones closest to me and on the continent, and then have a big renewal of vows the following year…I can already feel a big fight brewing. I hope it doesn’t come to that but I guess cowardice isn’t an excuse

ahollars – thank you for your post. I am actually not pregnant and though my parents are Catholics, they are “liberal” more than conservative…explaining things like this are going to be more complicated than I think they should.

Kelfa28 – thank you so much! I will definitely talk to my priest about this as soon as I can, and start discussing wedding details with my fiancé and remaining chaste.

TheBucket – you gave me some great advice. Honestly it wasn’t until last fall that I started to come back to the faith and realizing that what I was doing was wrong. He was very frustrated and it’s here that I’ve started thinking that if I had moved out, like JackieMom advises, it would have worked out. We both would have been thankful for the time we could spend together at all vs. him mulling over the free time we have and what we could be doing living together.

From here I think I’m going to talk to my priest. The church website says all weddings must be booked a year in advance and I realize I have to get the wedding classes in but maybe they could make an exception for us on the year deadline. And of course I’ll have to talk to my family about making this small. I’m honestly warming to the idea of a small reception at a good restaurant or a wine and desert type of thing. If things work out otherwise and we do have to wait, I think the best is to take JackieMom’s advice and move out, even if it’s going to be a pain and a half. If he goes back to live with his parents it will be closer to where he works anyway, and we can save money.

 

[Ms_Manners]

ToTheCross, I’ve been in the same situation.
We were living together (unplanned, extremely difficult situtation for me at the time) and being intimate, but then something changed. We got engaged before that and knew that was it for us.
We talked about it and he understood some of it. He was still confused by the change and didn’t really understand it all, didn’t even agree with some things at the time.
But he agreed to abstain, for just one reason alone - he didn’t want it if it made me feel even the slightest little bit uncomfortable or just plain bad.
It has been a while since then, we are married now, but back then it meant the world to me. I felt like he just had faith in me, he didn’t fight me on this, didn’t try to talk me out of (or into) anything. I think that was very important, I said “no” at one point and didn’t have to keep saying it, there was no pressure. Well, we talked about it a lot and I tried to explain how I felt, but soon after we set a date and spent hours talking about all sorts of things, but there was never any pressure to do anything I didn’t feel absolutely comfortable with.

If you plan to practice NFP, there will be much more abstaining and you will both need to be on board for that to work, like in so many other things. We’ve been married for 6 months, but we can really see how true that is.

PS As far as plans for weddings go… Your mother had her wedding, right?
This one is yours and believe it or not - you are free to do as you choose. Helps if you are the ones paying for it as well.

 

[Kelfa28]

From here I think I’m going to talk to my priest. The church website says all weddings must be booked a year in advance and I realize I have to get the wedding classes in but maybe they could make an exception for us on the year deadline. And of course I’ll have to talk to my family about making this small. I’m honestly warming to the idea of a small reception at a good restaurant or a wine and desert type of thing. If things work out otherwise and we do have to wait, I think the best is to take JackieMom’s advice and move out, even if it’s going to be a pain and a half. If he goes back to live with his parents it will be closer to where he works anyway, and we can save money.

To be frank…you probably won’t be able to be given an exception on changing the date for a Church.

If we had our way…my husband and I would have gotten married in the Parish we went through RCIA in and had joined. We’ve grown very close to the priest and parish director and have made some great friends within our Parish…but, they wanted us to book a year in advance…and we weren’t prepared to do that.
They understood and we went to another Parish…one that I went to as a child. They were far more flexible and were willing to let us book within 7 months of our initial sit down with the priest. That was as long as we were able to make the appointments with him and schedule a pre-cana class.

I’m not advocating Church shopping but you might need to look for another parish if you are that insistent on getting married in less then a year’s time. Most Churches don’t bend on rules because of the marriage prep time, pre-cana and the fact that other couples are getting married too.

 

[LoveEveryone]

So I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for me.

I am engaged to the love of my life and we are both Catholics, but I have recently received a stronger faith. My problem is that we are living together and having sex with condoms, but I want to be abstinent until we are married. He is trying to understand how I’ve changed but doesn’t understand this and I can’t help him.

The major problem is how do I justify to someone stopping sex when you know you’re going to get married anyway? (We have also never had sex with anyone else). I’ve tried a lot of arguments and come up short. Saying things like it’ll be better to be married because then we have a sacred bond and are united with God hurts him because (he says) it’s like me saying the sex/our relationship hasn’t been meaningful for me, or like there’s all these rules we have to follow.

Anyway, this is really awkward for me to post but I’ve been struggling for nearly a year now and I’m a little desperate. The wedding date hasn’t been set and due to restraints on both our parts, would not be able to happen for at least a year.

I agree with several peoples advice in this thread.

1. If you are sure you are going to be married, DO IT. Now, talk to your priest, talk to A priest, and get it done ASAP. You can have your big wedding at a later date.

Make no mistake about it, there are 3 people involved in your wedding. You, your spouse, and God. Everyone else will get over it. Have a small one, plan the big one

1. I lived with my wife for over 2 years, sleeping in the same bed, yet never had sex. I believe using fear is only one method of addressing the situation. (you are sinning against God, dont do that!!) However I believe in a more effective way, Love. Know that every time you give in and have sex with him, you are pulling Gods arms off of him and pushing him in the other direction.

An old movie saying, or somewhere ive heard this. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

You are hurting him by giving in.

1. Know your boundaries. For instance, no intimate kissing! If he kisses you on your cheek, and moves to your neck… RED FLAG!!!

My wife and I actually began to joke about it after a while. “Go change your night clothes or were going to get into trouble” and she would do it!! She held me back on many occasions, and with each occasion, I knew she did it because of her love for me. Not only did she not want to sin, she did not want to help me be a sinner.

Do not wear revealing clothes, or anything that may tempt him or put him in the mood. Myself, I was a walking hormone before I met my wife and it didnt matter what she was wearing. However with a lot of prayer, and understanding that God > our personal desires, we made it through.

1. I come to “move out” as a last resort. In my situation, I lived in a different state and moved to the woman, I had NOWHERE to go. For a while, until we got it under control, I slept on the couch. I did this for several months, then moved to the bed. Again, never having sex. If you do not feel you have the strenght to resist giving in, or the temptations of sex, then sadly, moving is your best choice.

If he loves you, and you both know that you are going to be married, it seems as if there is no reason to wait. Pleasing your family < pleasing God.

 

[ToTheCross]

LoveEveryone- your situation seems very close to mine, summarizing even my worry about his relationship with God and the clothing I wear. Everything about me seems to turn him on but some clothes are def better than others. It is not that he has trouble with self-control (at least not anymore) but I haven’t been able to know what to say to stop things from getting out of hand. It would always ended with him half jokingly asking why not and then I would say because I want to wait for marriage, which far from helping him came off as more of a “holier-than-thou” approach. Not my intent at all, and it took a while for him to admit that’s how I was making him feel because I didn’t think to ask anything about the response for a long time.

I am intrigued about your point number 1. What do you mean have a small wedding and then a big one? Is it possible to have a small private wedding (say, just immediate family) and then a big wedding at a later date or is that more in line with a renewal of vows? Also, do you mind if I ask if you’re Catholic? I’m more worried from a religious aspect about co-habitating now that I’ve seen what some people have to say on here. If I shouldn’t receive the Eucharist while cohabitating even though living chastely and trying to get married, then I don’t want to do that.

Ms_Manners- our relationship is tilting the way you describe, with him wanting less from my physically because he doesn’t want me to hurt at all. I’ve just been confused since there’s seemed to be only two options, me hurting him with being abstinent or him hurting me by not being abstinent. With marriage the only sure solution, I think it would be better to get that in gear (all other relationship variables equal as I wouldn’t want to marry someone I wasn’t sure I could spend the rest of my life with). In regards to my mother, I’ve never had a very strong relationship with her though its gotten better. But as with so many other things, I know she would eventually get over it. If I could have a small wedding, that
would be very easily paid for ourselves.

Kelfa28 thank you for sharing your experience, I had wondered about that. I love my home parish priest and am really hoping he can perform the wedding but there are another 2 churches where I’ve been active in my home city and the parish in the city I go to school is very beautiful and the priest very understanding. My fiancé at one time was very upset with “church rules” saying we had to book the church a year in advance but I told him that was probably because of the prep courses (which we both are really interested in taking) and the fact that our home city is big, so it’s probably more to help get in as many couples as want to get married as possible and less to do about “rules” per se. I do have other options and I’m optimistic about moving forward. I think right now my family will be the biggest obstacle.

 

[LoveEveryone]

LoveEveryone- your situation seems very close to mine, summarizing even my worry about his relationship with God and the clothing I wear. Everything about me seems to turn him on but some clothes are def better than others. It is not that he has trouble with self-control (at least not anymore) but I haven’t been able to know what to say to stop things from getting out of hand. It would always ended with him half jokingly asking why not and then I would say because I want to wait for marriage, which far from helping him came off as more of a “holier-than-thou” approach. Not my intent at all, and it took a while for him to admit that’s how I was making him feel because I didn’t think to ask anything about the response for a long time.

Ill never forget the time she looked at me and said “a turtleneck turns you on??? SERIOUSLY!!!” LOL. I was bad, its amazing how through Gods grace, and with such a wonderful woman, I was able to make it through. I did seek advice on here, which was a mistake at that time. I felt that her not being intimate with me, was an indication of lack of interest. It was more out of her love for God and once I understood this, then things really got better.

How strong is his faith? Is he serious about it?

I am intrigued about your point number 1. What do you mean have a small wedding and then a big one? Is it possible to have a small private wedding (say, just immediate family) and then a big wedding at a later date or is that more in line with a renewal of vows? Also, do you mind if I ask if you’re Catholic? I’m more worried from a religious aspect about co-habitating now that I’ve seen what some people have to say on here. If I shouldn’t receive the Eucharist while cohabitating even though living chastely and trying to get married, then I don’t want to do that.

I apologize, yes, a “renewing of vows”. Priests, especially in our culture, have been very willing to “renew vows.”

Make sure though, that you take the ceremony seriously. Do NOT marry just so you can have sex. You can only be “married” once. I would speak to a priest and ask him if you could have your small ceremony, then a larger one in a few years. You can only “become one” once

I will be perfectly honest with you, I strongly suggest not having sex. I cannot begin to tell you how different it is to love without sex, than it is to love with sex. I can only speak for myself, but during this time, it strenghtened my love for my wife and I have never come close to wanting to be without her or “getting tired” of her. Once the good sex is gone, there has to be a real foundation or else you will be one of the 50% that dont make it.

 

[HouseArrest]

LoveEveryone- your situation seems very close to mine, summarizing even my worry about his relationship with God and the clothing I wear. Everything about me seems to turn him on but some clothes are def better than others. It is not that he has trouble with self-control (at least not anymore) but I haven’t been able to know what to say to stop things from getting out of hand. It would always ended with him half jokingly asking why not and then I would say because I want to wait for marriage, which far from helping him came off as more of a “holier-than-thou” approach. Not my intent at all, and it took a while for him to admit that’s how I was making him feel because I didn’t think to ask anything about the response for a long time.

I am intrigued about your point number 1. What do you mean have a small wedding and then a big one? Is it possible to have a small private wedding (say, just immediate family) and then a big wedding at a later date or is that more in line with a renewal of vows? Also, do you mind if I ask if you’re Catholic? I’m more worried from a religious aspect about co-habitating now that I’ve seen what some people have to say on here. If I shouldn’t receive the Eucharist while cohabitating even though living chastely and trying to get married, then I don’t want to do that.

Ms_Manners- our relationship is tilting the way you describe, with him wanting less from my physically because he doesn’t want me to hurt at all. I’ve just been confused since there’s seemed to be only two options, **me hurting him with being abstinent **or him hurting me by not being abstinent. With marriage the only sure solution, I think it would be better to get that in gear (all other relationship variables equal as I wouldn’t want to marry someone I wasn’t sure I could spend the rest of my life with). In regards to my mother, I’ve never had a very strong relationship with her though its gotten better. But as with so many other things, I know she would eventually get over it. If I could have a small wedding, that
would be very easily paid for ourselves.

Kelfa28 thank you for sharing your experience, I had wondered about that. I love my home parish priest and am really hoping he can perform the wedding but there are another 2 churches where I’ve been active in my home city and the parish in the city I go to school is very beautiful and the priest very understanding. My fiancé at one time was very upset with “church rules” saying we had to book the church a year in advance but I told him that was probably because of the prep courses (which we both are really interested in taking) and the fact that our home city is big, so it’s probably more to help get in as many couples as want to get married as possible and less to do about “rules” per se. I do have other options and I’m optimistic about moving forward. I think right now my family will be the biggest obstacle.

Make no mistake about it, you are not hurting him by being abstinent. You are hurting him by being intimate without being married.

I would suggest the two of you take a Theology of the Body class together. It will help you get on the same page with this. There are home videos available or you can go to mycatholicfaithdelivered.com for an online class. It think it is still $40 for the entire course.

Good luck!

 

[KCT]

You’re in a difficult situation and you seem to be trying to do the right thing.

Thank God for giving you the grace to see this now and ask for his continued guidance.

I’ll pray for you!

 

[Kelfa28]

I recommend having just one wedding.

You may never get around to the second. My sister started to plan a wedding and ended up just going to a JP and basically eloping last minute. She said they were going to do something bigger but that was 3 years ago and a baby boy later. No plans now nor are there any in the future.

Life gets in the way and you may not have time, money and eventually desire, to plan another, bigger, wedding.

My MIL pressed my husband and I to go to a JP and plan another wedding later. She didn’t understand that since I was already baptized, our marriage would be no more valid then us continuing to live together and be intimate. Besides, as my sister tried, I didn’t want to put off a wedding to another date. One marriage, one wedding.

If your family is the only obstacle or “problem” then you have no problem. Not that I don’t love m family but since hubby and I paid for it all we made all the decisions. We had a few squabbles. Mostly about the guest list and it was all from my MIL. I was polite at first but when she started taking offense to our decisions I told hubby to tell her to can it or she’d lose her invite.

Forget their opinions. Send out the invites and take advice when you want it.

Maybe it’s just me but this is YOUR wedding and you shouldnt have to compromise or feel pressured. Opinions are nice but actual decisions should start and end with you and your fiancé.

 

[ToTheCross]

LoveEveryone- I will take your advice on sharing that my disinterest stems from worry about our souls and relationship with God. The problem is his faith is not very strong, weak even, but he is serious about it, if that makes sense. We are both cradle Catholics and both wandered far from the faith, but when I started looking into WHY the church believes as she does, I realized how amazing God is and how cool our religion really is. Since then I’ve been sharing articles, websites, what I’ve learned in bible study with him and we’ve both learned a lot about mass and Catholicism. I’m more fervent so I have to be careful not to overwhelm him. However it makes me feel awkward saying something like, I don’t want to be intimate because I love God too much. But he’s starting to draw that conclusion himself now and things are changing.

To ask a stupid question though, what would you tell someone who asked “why is it important to love without sex when sex is a big part of a relationship and there’s no medical reason not to have it?” Like, I intrinsically know the answer to this but am having a hard time putting it in words. I’m hoping your interpretation will help me. Not that we’ve never been without sex – we had a long time starting up and survived a couple years in a long-distance relationship.

I hope I’m not coming off as being too hasty to marry or not thinking about it properly – I really have, for the better part of 5 years. I find myself abbreviating my situation on here in the interest of time and the length of my posts.

HouseArrest- I meant more me hurting his feelings by being abstinent, as if the sex isn’t good enough or I don’t want to be with him for other reasons than religion, vs. more spiritual reasons that stem from God. I did not know there was such a thing as Theology of the Body classes! Thank you, I will definitely look into it.

KCT-thanks for the prayers and support!

Kelfa28- yeah, I don’t see that I would be able to plan two ceremonies either. And even rushing the wedding, it still wouldn’t be tomorrow or this weekend. There’d hopefully be time for my mother to get used to the idea.