How do you know the person you are with is the right one?

[illyxo]

Thanks for your reply.
I think we’d actually really enjoy being on a desert island. We enjoy each others company (apart from when he is raving about shares and stocks etc) and I feel safe and secure with him.
He does work a casual job 5-6 days a week, averaging around 40 hours. Its just that he cant envision himself in this job forever as it is physically demanding e.g. he was on compensation for four weeks due to back injury. He also studies the share market and invests in shares and options trading however not sure how secure this is.
I feel ever since he met me he’s buckled down more but I think why did it take so long?
I do agree that he may lack self discipline though.

We had a big chat today about marriage etc. He said he needs about 1-2yrs to be financially stable enough to get married which is fine but a part of me wonders why it took him til 36 to figure this out. And why did he look for a relationship if he isn’t financially stable.
I am his first serious girlfriend. He has dated before but he describes our relationship as the most serious he has ever had.
Any ways I feel better after this conversation because at least he isnt reckless by wanting to marry me before being more stable.

After having read all the posts, the question is, “Do you want to wait another 12-18 months for hm to decide he is ready to propose?” And if you do what will the engagement length look like? How long are you willing to wait?

Peace,
B

I think I’d be okay waiting as I still have my studies to complete.
However a part of me doesn’t want to wait too long either.
Sometimes I feel like saying lets break up and resume this when you’re financially stable.

 

[illyxo]

Thanks for your reply.
I think we’d actually really enjoy being on a desert island. We enjoy each others company (apart from when he is raving about shares and stocks etc) and I feel safe and secure with him.
He does work a casual job 5-6 days a week, averaging around 40 hours. Its just that he cant envision himself in this job forever as it is physically demanding e.g. he was on compensation for four weeks due to back injury. He also studies the share market and invests in shares and options trading however not sure how secure this is.
I feel ever since he met me he’s buckled down more but I think why did it take so long?
I do agree that he may lack self discipline though.

We had a big chat today about marriage etc. He said he needs about 1-2yrs to be financially stable enough to get married which is fine but a part of me wonders why it took him til 36 to figure this out. And why did he look for a relationship if he isn’t financially stable.
I am his first serious girlfriend. He has dated before but he describes our relationship as the most serious he has ever had.
Any ways I feel better after this conversation because at least he isnt reckless by wanting to marry me before being more stable.

After having read all the posts, the question is, “Do you want to wait another 12-18 months for hm to decide he is ready to propose?” And if you do what will the engagement length look like? How long are you willing to wait?

Peace,
B

I think I’d be okay waiting as I still have my studies to complete.
However a part of me doesn’t want to wait too long either.
Sometimes I feel like saying lets break up and resume this when you’re financially stable.

 

[egretps]

That is something to think about. * “I feel like saying lets break up and resume this when you’re financially stable.”*

You run the risk that you’d be broken up permanently, and that might be okay.

It seems you’ve been trying to talk yourself into something. Take some time, with no pressure on yourself to sit and think and more importantly pray about this.

 

[po18guy]

You are already unhappy. (Broad brush warning) Men tend to marry hoping that their wife will not change. Women tend to marry hoping their husband will. He is 10 years older? If not a widower, then what has kept him from marriage all those years? And, if he’s divorced, well…

 

[illyxo]

You are already unhappy. (Broad brush warning) Men tend to marry hoping that their wife will not change. Women tend to marry hoping their husband will. He is 10 years older? If not a widower, then what has kept him from marriage all those years? And, if he’s divorced, well…

He has never seen married.
Apparently a mixture of not having found the right person and not being in a place to get married.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

He has never seen married.
Apparently a mixture of not having found the right person and not being in a place to get married.

That’s really not uncommon for many people in their 30s. I would count myself as one. Sure, some are in that situation because they preferred partying and hooking up to actual meaningful relationships, but you don’t have to be a hedonist to not find your ideal mate at age 20.

As for the age difference itself, I think that as people get older a 10 year age difference gets less important, but in this case this man comes off as rather immature.

I do think that your gut instinct to put this relationship on hold until he’s more financially stable, may be correct. I don’t think men need to be able to support a wife completely on his own these days, BUT it’s reasonable to expect financial stability for a man who wants to marry you so you have an idea of what you need to contribute.

I can think of a couple where the wife actually makes more income than the husband, but they still waited until the husband had a steady job before they married.

 

[illyxo]

That’s really not uncommon for many people in their 30s. I would count myself as one. Sure, some are in that situation because they preferred partying and hooking up to actual meaningful relationships, but you don’t have to be a hedonist to not find your ideal mate at age 20.

As for the age difference itself, I think that as people get older a 10 year age difference gets less important, but in this case this man comes off as rather immature.

I do think that your gut instinct to put this relationship on hold until he’s more financially stable, may be correct. I don’t think men need to be able to support a wife completely on his own these days, BUT it’s reasonable to expect financial stability for a man who wants to marry you so you have an idea of what you need to contribute.

I can think of a couple where the wife actually makes more income than the husband, but they still waited until the husband had a steady job before they married.

Yeah. And from what he told me, he doesn’t want to get married until he is more financially stable.
Honestly if he was, I’d probably marry him tomorrow.
I am just afraid if I break up, and he is more financially stable in a few years, will I regret it or would he even want me back?
And if I wait, how to best use the year or two of just dating before proposal?

 

[AdamP88]

If you want the answer, go beyond the checklist.

Close your eyes, get quiet, and focus on how you feel. When you think of him what comes to mind? Do you have a sense of peace? Does your heart hurt when you imagine a day without him in it? Does it race when you think about spending time with him?

When you are away do you miss him?
When you are in the store do you see things and think about how he would like it?
When you are sitting quietly together, do you think “yeah, this is it”?

Because the things on the checklist are just the starting point. The checklist identifies the deal breakers, but you have to have more than the checklist.

I agree with this. I do think that the fact that you have reservations is a good indication that this man is not “the one”. I have been in relationships where I thought to myself, “maybe this person isn’t someone I could marry”. I never experienced that even for a second with my wife.

 

[illyxo]

I agree with this. I do think that the fact that you have reservations is a good indication that this man is not “the one”. I have been in relationships where I thought to myself, “maybe this person isn’t someone I could marry”. I never experienced that even for a second with my wife.

Thats my worry, although I tend to have an anxious temperament and question everything. When I look back on my life, things I thought were maybe ‘not right’ ended up being right in hindsight. I do love him but the financial issues are a concern.
I started praying the novena to St Joseph (not sure if this is a good one?) and realised that our relationship anniversary falls on the 19th, the feast day.

 

[egretps]

I started praying the novena to St Joseph (not sure if this is a good one?) and realised that our relationship anniversary falls on the 19th, the feast day.

When I was a newlywed, my mother and I visited Our Lady of the Snows in Bellville Illinois. After we attended mass we met the presiding priest and had a great little chat. I had just celebrated my first wedding anniversary earlier in March and father exclaimed, “You should have been married on the 19th! St. Bernadette had a deep devotion to St. Joseph. She said that St. Joseph would help on his feast day. You would have had so many extra graces!”

I wish I had known about that, we could have gotten married on the 19th. It would have been a really inexpensive wedding because it landed on a weekday that year. Instead of nearly 200 guests, we would have probably less than 20. Lol.

I didn’t find a reference for this but I did read that St. Bernadette did have a beautiful deep devotion to St. Joseph, often saying a rosary in front of his statue at the convent.

He is a great friend. So glad you are saying that novena!

 

[illyxo]

When I was a newlywed, my mother and I visited Our Lady of the Snows in Bellville Illinois. After we attended mass we met the presiding priest and had a great little chat. I had just celebrated my first wedding anniversary earlier in March and father exclaimed, “You should have been married on the 19th! St. Bernadette had a deep devotion to St. Joseph. She said that St. Joseph would help on his feast day. You would have had so many extra graces!”

I wish I had known about that, we could have gotten married on the 19th. It would have been a really inexpensive wedding because it landed on a weekday that year. Instead of nearly 200 guests, we would have probably less than 20. Lol.

I didn’t find a reference for this but I did read that St. Bernadette did have a beautiful deep devotion to St. Joseph, often saying a rosary in front of his statue at the convent.

He is a great friend. So glad you are saying that novena!

That’s lovely.
I’ve always had a devotion to St Joseph, he seemed like such a humble, caring, spiritual, hardworking and quietly confident man who wasn’t afraid to go against the status quo.