How do you react to an angry husband?

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I have just read “Catholic Guide to a Lifelong Marriage” by Gregory Popcak and he says to never react when your hubby is having a temper tantrum. That is sooo hard for me.

My hubby is Italian and can go from zero (calm) to ten (very angry) in two seconds flat. Then he goes on and on with his tantrum until he’s gotten it out of his system and then he’s back to zero.

The thing is though; he says very hurtful things to me and when I tell him to stop talking to me like that it just makes him more angry. He doesn’t know how to come back down once he’s at ten. He doesn’t know how to control his tongue once he’s at ten.

So after listening to him rant on and on for 10 minutes, I start to get really mad after telling him over and over to stop talking to me like that. Finally, I lose my temper and start cursing back at him. Then we end up having a full outright huge fight where I say things that I shouldn’t say.

I try to tell him that I don’t like it when he talks to me like that and his attitude is, “Well you really made me mad. I couldn’t help it.”

How do I avoid this? According to Popcak’s book, believe it or not my hubby and I are in the top 7% of happy Partnership Marriages, but when he’s mad and cursing me, I just lose it!

He’s a good husband, but has a (never violent) hot temper. We don’t have these flare ups too often, and we are happily married, but like any marriage, we have our share of things to work on.

I was praying for God to help me change, so that I can show my husband God’s love and patience, and I got a very strong thought while in prayer…ignore him like I would ignore a child having a temper trantrum. * The thought went on…if you ignore the child, then the child will learn that he/she won’t get what he/she wants by having a temper tantrum.

Easier said than done! I need to get the patience of a saint to ignore him when he’s ranting! I keep confessing my losing it at Confession everytime I go…it’s embarrassing!

I would love some thoughts and ideas about this from a Catholic perspective.*
 
I am certainly not an expert. But my wife and I have about 20 years behind us :o …Anyway, heard a nice piece of advise on Sister Ann Shield’s radio show today. She spoke of husbands and wives being submissive to each other. In that, she meant, respect each other by listening to each other. Next time an argument type situation comes up, calmly ask your husband to speak first and really listen. Then when he’s done speaking, ask for the same. Sounds simple, but maybe can steer you two away from the rants and screaming…

Good luck and God Bless…
 
First rule of the road, never engage in the battle - things said during the course of this time can hurt and make it all the more explosive. While he’s ranting, just keep breathing deeply and stay focused on being the calm one. If possible, discuss said issue with him another time when you know he will be more receptive to your perspective. Outside of this, I believe that perhaps some anger management courses might be the go - perhaps discuss this with family G.P.
 
Serap said:
Well first off, you have a lot to work with:thumbsup:

My hubby is Italian and can go from zero (calm) to ten (very angry) in two seconds flat. Then he goes on and on with his tantrum** until he’s gotten it out of his system and then he’s back to zero.**

So you know his tantrum will come to an end quickly…it doesn’t go on for days, result in him giving you the cold shoulder, or other really long lasting results. That’s helpful to know (for you).

The thing is though; he says very hurtful things to me and when I tell him to stop talking to me like that it just makes him more angry. He doesn’t know how to come back down once he’s at ten. He doesn’t know how to control his tongue once he’s at ten.

So you know what makes it worse. Also good. I am sure he is feeling out of control and probably feeling awful for saying those things to you and you pointing it out AT THAT TIME just puts him over the edge. He is already (most likely) feeling like a ****** husband and you pointing it out is a huge blow to his ego (where he wants you to see him as Mr.wonderful).

So after listening to him rant on and on for 10 minutes, I start to get really mad after telling him over and over to stop talking to me like that. ** Finally, I lose my temper and start cursing back at him.** Then we end up having a full outright huge fight where I say things that I shouldn’t say.

So why are you letting him talk to you like this for even 2 minutes, nevermind 10? Leave. Go into the bathroom, run the shower, read a book…whatever gets you out of the situation until he runs himself out.

I try to tell him that I don’t like it when he talks to me like that and his attitude is, "Well you really made me mad. I couldn’t help it."
**
And what excuse do you give him for cursing at him? Probably “you made me really mad (and after 10 minutes) I just couldn’t help it”:p;)**

**How do I avoid this? **
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**First off, don’t engage. If it takes you ten minutes to really get worked up that gives you plenty of time to make a getaway.

Next, bring it up during a calm time. Start by apologizing for your temper. Tell him that you have a plan for yourself to help you not lose your temper (example: going into the bathroom, running the shower, reading a book) so that you don’t disrespect him anymore by cursing back at him.

Give it time. Don’t expect him to reciprocate your apology right then. Give him time to absorb it and let him come to you and apologize. Hopefully by him seeing you take the lead (without rubbing it in his face) he will get some direction and make choices for himself to get control of his temper.**

Note: I am married and have absolutely no idea how to fix my own marital problems…I seem to be much better at seeing other’s situations clearly…so i hope this helps!😛
 
Sounds like my dh, doesn’t happen often, but when it does. Also you say he is not violent, that is a good thing, dh isn’t either, but there is the possiblity if he can’t control his words that the time will come when he can’t control his fists. I finally had this happen at our house, no one was injured it was just a push not a punch, but it was the push we needed. We have been married for 15 years, and after that I finally made him start anger management counseling. It has been a blessing for both of us. One of the things that the counseler taught us both is that his anger is his problem. When he reacts in such an angry way, I just tell him “I don’t care about your anger, your anger is your problem” Then I walk away. The point being that he has learned ways to diffuse the anger before it starts, and if he lets it get out of hand, it is only his own fault. And that nobody wants to be around that or put up with it.

Now I am not saying in any way that your dh is violent, or abusive, any more than I think my own dh is these things. But after years of living just like you described, I am so happy I finally insisted on change. Other than that one issue we have always been very happy and content. And we love each other. If your dh is the wonderful man he probably really is, it will be good for him to learn how to control something that is hurting you both.

PM me if you want to talk.
 
He’s yelling because I’m not listening. I keep talking, thinking what I have to say is important and what he’s saying isn’t. Maybe I make him feel like a child, maybe I don’t take him seriously, maybe I never let him talk about his feelings because I’m always talking about mine? Who knows?
So he has to raise his voice to shut me up. It takes me awhile but eventually, I shut up. Then I’m hurt because he’s not happy with me.

We are in this marriage together.

We make each other angry. We need to discuss what made us mad and why we were angry and work things out. I learn alot about what makes him tick. And if it keeps coming up then I must not have “fixed it”. Same goes for him. He’s a Latino, so I can understand the hot temper, but I have to say, I’m a pain in the butt and I do think I’m funny and I do like to hear myself talk.
(His words last Friday)

He needs to vent to someone,it should be me. If his tone is loud maybe he feels like being loud. I know when I’m angry I don’t want anyone to tell me how to express my anger. (I am not talking about hitting or verbal abuse) I’m talking about someone venting out his frustrations even if it’s about me.The problem is we get alittle scared when this big man starts raising his voice.(Maybe he’ll leave? Maybe he doesn’t love me?) But how many times have we raised ours? I think it scares them too.(Maybe she’ll leave? Maybe she doesn’t love me?)

Lord knows he has had to listen to me go off about him many times. It’s only fair.🤷

You know men have feelings too.:eek:
 
Serap said:
I have just read “Catholic Guide to a Lifelong Marriage” by Gregory Popcak and he says to never react when your hubby is having a temper tantrum. That is sooo hard for me.

My hubby is Italian and can go from zero (calm) to ten (very angry) in two seconds flat. Then he goes on and on with his tantrum until he’s gotten it out of his system and then he’s back to zero.

The thing is though; he says very hurtful things to me and when I tell him to stop talking to me like that it just makes him more angry. He doesn’t know how to come back down once he’s at ten. He doesn’t know how to control his tongue once he’s at ten.

So after listening to him rant on and on for 10 minutes, I start to get really mad after telling him over and over to stop talking to me like that. Finally, I lose my temper and start cursing back at him. Then we end up having a full outright huge fight where I say things that I shouldn’t say.

I try to tell him that I don’t like it when he talks to me like that and his attitude is, “Well you really made me mad. I couldn’t help it.”

How do I avoid this? According to Popcak’s book, believe it or not my hubby and I are in the top 7% of happy Partnership Marriages, but when he’s mad and cursing me, I just lose it!

He’s a good husband, but has a (never violent) hot temper. We don’t have these flare ups too often, and we are happily married, but like any marriage, we have our share of things to work on.

I was praying for God to help me change, so that I can show my husband God’s love and patience, and I got a very strong thought while in prayer…ignore him like I would ignore a child having a temper trantrum. * The thought went on…if you ignore the child, then the child will learn that he/she won’t get what he/she wants by having a temper tantrum.

Easier said than done! I need to get the patience of a saint to ignore him when he’s ranting! I keep confessing my losing it at Confession everytime I go…it’s embarrassing!

I would love some thoughts and ideas about this from a Catholic perspective.*

One of the most important things I learnt (as a man) in a marriage is to learn when to keep my mouth shut. Think twice, three times before opening your mouth and if you really need to say something, do it really really carefully… seems to work…
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For my husband and I the only way to diffuse a situation like this is to take a cool down break. Leave the discussion, do something to calm the anger in yourself and come back later to discuss the actual issue that spurred the anger. When he gets like this I just say something like, “Let’s talk about this later when you calm down.”
 
Serap said:
The thing is though; he says very hurtful things to me and when I tell him to stop talking to me like that it just makes him more angry . . . So after listening to him rant on and on for 10 minutes, I start to get really mad after telling him over and over to stop talking to me like that. Finally, I lose my temper and start cursing back at him.
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Leave the room so he can’t talk to you. Tell him you’ll be back when he’s rational.
 
In my marriage I’m the hot tempered one :o
I am working really hard to keep from taking my stress out on my DH but unfortunately if I’m tired or cranky he sometimes bears my wrath. My DH diffuses it very well. Unless he’s tired and cranky too (then we unfortunately get in a fight) he doesn’t engage. He either tells me he’s going out to have a cigarette or he says “I can see you’re angry and stressed out, what can I do to help?” He doesn’t take it personally cause he knows it’s about my bad mood and not him. Then again, my DH is a saint, I probably wouldn’t be as calm as him if he were ranting at me (which he never does).
Anyways I think the advice to disengage is good.
 
So…are you saying that Italians have hot tempers? 😃 lol, I’m Italian, so I can laugh a little. I grew up in a family, where yelling was the norm. Yelling to pass the potatoes, yelling about our days at the kitchen table at dinner, yelling at me to clean my room, yelling across the house when someone was holding on the phone…After a while, when someone was upset, and yelling could be viewed as appropriate maybe, everyone ignored the person, because yelling became the norm. I used to go from zero to 10 in a hurry, and while I joke about being Italian, it’s really not funny to the receiving party. My husband would react in the same way you describe here, OP. I wasn’t really someone who swore a lot (well sometimes:blush: ) but, what got me under control with it all…was CONFESSION. Pure and simple.

In the Bible, we can see that Jesus expressed appropriate anger at times. But, going from zero to ten, and then that blowing into an outright fight, is not healthy, nor appropriate. I am like a different person from going regularly to Confession, over losing my temper like that. I was never abusive …not at all…but, like tantrum type arguing. My husband can lose his temper too, but Confession helps him also.

So, when you are not arguing, just calmly suggest for you both to start going to confession regularly. It’s hard to confess a sin, even venial, and continue to do it. I mean, we are human, we often fall time and time again, and thankfully, God is merciful. AND PATIENT. But, over time, truly, your husband will stop reacting like this, because Confession has a way of bringing long lasting change. God is the best shrink, and Confession is free.😃

Try going to Confession together, and see if that changes things. I hope so! God bless.
 
Confession helps you, but if your husband is not taking the same steps and it seems like you are moreover the peacekeeper than he, he will just continue to openly oppress you so he feels he has the upper hand all the time. He needs to feel remorse for his actions and moreover his anger.

I love having neatness, peace and quiet, and my own time. If another argument brews and you feel it a comin…if it is possible for you, I would gather your purse and laptop and find a coffee shop to relax and maybe write down your frustrations or meet a friend or clergyman from church to discuss it rationally. This is usually where a man goes out for a walk to cool off. Sometimes this is not possible when you have children, but you can take them and yourself to the library or grandma’s.

I would never suggest avoidance, but he obviously has communicating issues and heightened anger problems, and I could see a temper like that escalating to another level which could hurt you more. If the usual routine states you both slam each other until resentment, he will only continue to do so. Yet he may take your avoiding him in another negative way.

I agree with a previous poster when they said their must be mutual submissiveness or mutual compromise or mutual white flags. People who say hurtful things usually do not mean it later, they only make up something in retaliation to their defense.

Maybe see what is igniting this bickering back and forth. Like do you ask him to do things when he gets home from work, or does he get irritated that things he asked you to do, never get done or vice-versa? One of the observances I like to do is see who initiates the arguments. In college, I would come home upon occasion and get bombarded with questions when my intent was to visit family and not solve all the crisis’ at home. Leaving me feel resentful and upset. I would leave early often because of this, but of course I come back, when I confronted my family they acknowledged they initiated the confrontations and backed off for sometime, they have only been sporadic since then.

Hope this helps, my prayers are with you!
Hope
 
My suggestion will probably be a bit more drastic then what has come before. If you can afford it, try to keep some money on hand at all times. And have an overnight case packed and hidden where it’s easy to get to. Once he starts on a tirade, grab the bag, your purse and whatever else you’ll need for a couple of days. Then, as you head out the door, tell him you’ll come back when he’s calm enough to agree to marrriage counseling.

But don’t tell him where you’re going.
 
Two words:

Tape Recorder. (Do they use tape anymore?)

Just tape a tirade, and play it back when he’s calm. then talk about it.
 
For pp’s who are worried about my hubby being violent, he would never do that. He’s all mouth…bark and no bite.

I would love it if my hubby would go to Confession, but he’s not religious. He’s a cradle Catholic, but not a big believer. He believes that there is a God and is a very good man, husband and father, but no dice when it comes to the Catholic Church.

I am the one going to Confession (and doing a daily Rosary), so I have developed a conscience of my own actions when I yell back at him and curse him. I feel terrible and I hate hurting God and my baby daughter (she’s rarely around though when we fight - I back off when she’s around).

The book I mentioned says that when your anger hits a 7, leave the situation. I think I have to start doing that. The only problem is…what do I do when I’m in a confined space…for example a long car trip? That’s when I really lose it on him b/c I can’t get away.

My anger goes from 0 to 10 more slowly than my hubby and it takes me about 10 minutes to get to a 10.

A fundamental personality conflict that my hubby and I have is that he’s a perfectionist and is by nature critical and I am very sensitive and hurt by critism and become very defensive and stubborn when I feel I am being backed into a corner. I won’t admit that I am wrong under this situation even though I know I am wrong (my insecurities take over and I can’t think clearly). My reaction makes my hubby even angrier when I won’t validate his critism and reason for anger, he critizes me even more and then I become even more hurt and defensive and refuse to admit I’m wrong. Then…BOOM… I lose it and it’s all out huge fight where I’m completely irrational b/c I’m hurt.

Albeit, this happens about once a month, but it’s once a month too often.

At least I know what the problem is…I just need to formulate and stick to what my course of action needs to be. I really want to fix this. I want to be more Christlike instead of pig headed and stubborn.
 
I like Paul’s idea. Those little voice-activated ones that hold 100 minutes are really good.

My husband is not just Italian, but Sicilian. When he goes ballistic, his face turns white and the vein on the side of his neck seems to pop away from his body and throbs. It is a scary sight to watch.

Once he realized he was carrying on like a wounded hyena, when one of us gets in yelling mode (I’m Irish and German but have a temper, too) it is time for somebody to decide to go for a walk. If it’s a bad enough argument, they’ll be yelling about who gets to go on the walk and who stays home. Eventually somebody will either take a walk or two around the block even in bad weather, or we will start laughing about the argument re: who gets to walk. In about 30 minutes, we cna then discuss the actual problem.
 
Serap said:
The only problem is…what do I do when I’m in a confined space…for example a long car trip? That’s when I really lose it on him b/c I can’t get away.
**
PRAY. (in your head if praying out loud would infuriate hubby more, as I suspect it would)**

A fundamental personality conflict that my hubby and I have is that he’s a perfectionist and is by nature critical and I am very sensitive and hurt by critism and become very defensive and stubborn when I feel I am being backed into a corner. I won’t admit that I am wrong under this situation even though I know I am wrong (my insecurities take over and I can’t think clearly). My reaction makes my hubby even angrier when I won’t validate his critism and reason for anger, he critizes me even more and then I become even more hurt and defensive and refuse to admit I’m wrong. Then…BOOM… I lose it and it’s all out huge fight where I’m completely irrational b/c I’m hurt.

Sounds exactly like my husband and I, except the roles are reversed.

I want to be more Christlike instead of pig headed and stubborn.

PRAY. Seriously, it is your best “tool” in situations like this. It is very hard to get angry and yell while simultaneously focusing on Christ or His Blessed Mother. Imagine they are there beside you. You wouldn’t lose your temper with such a Holy audience I bet.** And even if you do it is much easier to automatically feel remorse and ask your hubby’s forgiveness even if he is still on a tirade.**
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OutinChgoburbs said:
I like Paul’s idea. Those little voice-activated ones that hold 100 minutes are really good.

My husband is not just Italian, but Sicilian. When he goes ballistic, his face turns white and the vein on the side of his neck seems to pop away from his body and throbs. It is a scary sight to watch.

Once he realized he was carrying on like a wounded hyena, when one of us gets in yelling mode (I’m Irish and German but have a temper, too) it is time for somebody to decide to go for a walk. If it’s a bad enough argument, they’ll be yelling about who gets to go on the walk and who stays home. Eventually somebody will either take a walk or two around the block even in bad weather, or we will start laughing about the argument re: who gets to walk. In about 30 minutes, we cna then discuss the actual problem.
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That’s hiliarious! My husband and I are childish like that too.

Sometimes I wonder if I made it mentally past the age of 12!!!
 
Pack your bag and not tell him where you are going:

I thought about this for you, but recanted because it doesn’t seem to be your style, and this could be a very drastic move that he is not used to you doing, and could very well damage your marriage than help it, going away with a suitcase is different than taking a walk to cool off. I have to admit it is a cute story I read you or someone else said they will then argue abut who should take the walk which naturally fell into comedy. That is totally healthy and adorable!

Tape Recorder:

Did anyone ever see the episode of Everybody loves Raymond, where Raymond taped Deborah’s temper tantums? :rotfl: This is a good example of where taping backfired. She just went off on him being insensitive to her! Hilarious!

He’s a perfectionist:

If he is a perfectionist, no one will EVER come close to the way he can do things, or his MOTHER can do things. Living up to the Italian mother is very pressuring. Not your fault if he is OCD, hahahaha. Obviously, he accepts you for who you are. If something he sees is out of place next time…make him wear blinders, and if he continues then you wear ear plugs, and see if you can muster a laugh in the meantime, lol.

Blessings!
Hope
 
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