How do you successfully tell a guy no?

[DarkLight]

Yes, inspired in part by the “why can’t women say they’re not interested…” thread. But I’ve found more often than not “I’m not interested” means “persuade me.” It seems very difficult as a single woman to say no to a guy in a way that means no and not try harder. It can be quite irritating when a guy has decided to persistently try to engage you whether or not you want to engage with him.

How do you say no in a way that clearly ends things, without never seeing the guy again?

 

[Pug]

Well, I’ve heard enough commentary from guys that “Let’s just be friends” is the kiss of death, so perhaps try that if the word “no” fails.

Either that or start to drool and walk with a lurch. Maniacal laughter could help, yesssss.

 

[Jay82]

My recommendation would be to tell him in very certain terms. Use phrases like:

“I am not interested in anything beyond friendship at any point in time”.
“You are good guy, but you are not the right person for me.”
“We will never be more than friends”
“Your interest in me is flattering, but I will never share those same feelings”

You do not have to elaborate too much as it will just give the really persistent guys more angles to argue and make a case for themselves. If that happens, you can simply say, something along the lines of “I know what is right for me, and the two of us in a relationship is not right for me (and will never be).”

Avoid using words and phrases like: “At this time”, “I am too busy”, “I don’t want a relationship right now” or blaming other temporary items that a guy might want to wait out…like school, a summer job, or some family matter.

 

[runningdude]

…
How do you say no in a way that clearly ends things, without never seeing the guy again?

Well, if you truly want to stay just friends, then you have to explain this. However, you do have to be prepared to break off all contact.

A friendship is an important relationship, and does involve some level of intimacy, although not romantic intimacy. You both need to treat the relationship with respect, and set boundaries. If the guy isn’t interested in friendship, you need to respect this, and break it off. If the guy still pursues you, he isn’t respecting you, and your need to break it off out of respect for yourself.

If you stay friends, then you need to stay honest about intentions (no secret pining!).

 

[Joe_5859]

“I don’t want to get a restraining order, but I will…”

In all seriousness, I agree with the previous posters. Don’t leave any wiggle room for him to interpret some small opening by which to continue pursuing. I’m very much an advocate of diplomacy and putting things delicately, but in these situations, I think bluntness is better for everyone (especially if he has already been told “no” several times).

In some situations, it will simply be impossible to carry on a regular friendship. There’s not always a whole lot you can do about that.

 

[DaveBj]

“I don’t want to get a restraining order, but I will…”

Beat me too it

Seriously, if a guy won’t take “no” for an answer, then perhaps he’s not the kind of guy you should be continuing a friendship with.

And when push comes to shove (either literally or figuratively), nothing says “no” like a restraining order delivered by a fully 250-lb sheriff’s deputy.

(There’s more to this, but I’m going to stop it here.)

 

[chefmomster2]

My recommendation would be to tell him in very certain terms. Use phrases like:

“I am not interested in anything beyond friendship at any point in time”.
“You are good guy, but you are not the right person for me.”
“We will never be more than friends”
“Your interest in me is flattering, but I will never share those same feelings”

You do not have to elaborate too much as it will just give the really persistent guys more angles to argue and make a case for themselves. If that happens, you can simply say, something along the lines of “I know what is right for me, and the two of us in a relationship is not right for me (and will never be).”

Avoid using words and phrases like: “At this time”, “I am too busy”, “I don’t want a relationship right now” or blaming other temporary items that a guy might want to wait out…like school, a summer job, or some family matter.

Great post! I humbly ask to improve it very minutely…

“No, I am not interested in anything beyond friendship at any point in time”.
“No, you are good guy, but you are not the right person for me.”
“No, we will never be more than friends”
“No, your interest in me is flattering, but I will never share those same feelings”

We all seem too afraid to use the very word that is necessary. The way to say “No” is to say “No.” And if the person continues to pursue you remember that “No.” is a complete sentence. It requires no further explanation. We usually add one out of kindness, but it is not necessary if the person does not get it.

BTW, in this modern dating age this applies to women who won’t take no fir an answer also!

 

[Lorelei12]

We all seem too afraid to use the very word that is necessary. The way to say “No” is to say “No.” And if the person continues to pursue you remember that “No.” is a complete sentence. It requires no further explanation. We usually add one out of kindness, but it is not necessary if the person does not get it.

Yes, this. There is really no clearer way to indicate that you are not interested than a simple “No”. There is no room for misinterpretation and you do not owe anyone an explanation about why you do not want a relationship.

Also, if there are men who are so persistent that they are ignoring a clear “no”, they are probably also not the kind of men who you want to be friends with.

 

[LouiseHine]

If the “no, I don’t want to be anything more than friends” doesn’t work, I’d be tempted to say “I’m sorry, but if you can’t understand I’m not interested in anything more than friendship, then we can’t be friends because you’re not being appropriate,” and see if that helps. I’d not want to be in a situation where I was being pestered after I’d made my position, opinion and feelings clear.

 

[Jay82]

We all seem too afraid to use the very word that is necessary. The way to say “No” is to say “No.” And if the person continues to pursue you remember that “No.” is a complete sentence. It requires no further explanation. We usually add one out of kindness, but it is not necessary if the person does not get it.

BTW, in this modern dating age this applies to women who won’t take no fir an answer also!

Good call. Excellent suggestion. People need to be firm with the use of ‘no’. Women shouldn’t be afraid to be very blunt and direct. Guys handle that discourse very well as men tend to be blunt and straight forward with each other. If you do that and do not leave any room for doubt, he’ll get the message.

 

[TARRAT]

It has been a long time for me.

What are you saying no to? Are you saying no, I don’t want to go any farther than we already have? Maybe you should have not gone that far since it could be a near occasion to sin for both of you.

If you are saying that you don’t want to even get to the make-out part just keep a dignified distance and you won’t have to say anything.

Not really sure what instance you are saying no to.

 

[juliamajor]

“I don’t want to get a restraining order, but I will…”

In all seriousness, I agree with the previous posters. Don’t leave any wiggle room for him to interpret some small opening by which to continue pursuing. I’m very much an advocate of diplomacy and putting things delicately, but in these situations, I think bluntness is better for everyone (especially if he has already been told “no” several times).

In some situations, it will simply be impossible to carry on a regular friendship. There’s not always a whole lot you can do about that.

If a guy was persistent I usually told him "to get lost’. not nice, but there is no way on his part
to misunderstand.
In my youth I was prone to take a “forceful” stand.
Somebody with octopus arms got a punch in the stomach.
Point is be direct- I rarely had problems with guys who misinterpreted my attitude toward them. They usually could and can read it all over my face.
Married for 33 years I am so grateful that I don’t have to date in this culture.
I would have probably bought a TASER to to take on dates.

 

[ack]

“I don’t want to get a restraining order, but I will…”

In all seriousness, I agree with the previous posters. Don’t leave any wiggle room for him to interpret some small opening by which to continue pursuing. I’m very much an advocate of diplomacy and putting things delicately, but in these situations, I think bluntness is better for everyone (especially if he has already been told “no” several times).

Maybe this was implied from the context of this thread, but I would also advocate bluntness…but as a second line of defense.

The more astute guys will have no trouble interpreting “I am busy” or other soft-nos in an appropriate way. If the guy isn’t getting the hint, then trying a very direct approach would be appropriate.

 

[ack]

What are you saying no to? Are you saying no, I don’t want to go any farther than we already have? Maybe you should have not gone that far since it could be a near occasion to sin for both of you.

If you are saying that you don’t want to even get to the make-out part just keep a dignified distance and you won’t have to say anything.

Not really sure what instance you are saying no to.

In my youth I was prone to take a “forceful” stand.
Somebody with octopus arms got a punch in the stomach.

She’s talking about turning down dates. This thread doesn’t have anything to do with other near occasions of sin.

As an aside, in the situation you’re talking about, I would recommend the “Subway Defense System”, but only as an absolute last resort

 

[chefmomster2]

It has been a long time for me.

What are you saying no to? Are you saying no, I don’t want to go any farther than we already have? Maybe you should have not gone that far since it could be a near occasion to sin for both of you.

If you are saying that you don’t want to even get to the make-out part just keep a dignified distance and you won’t have to say anything.

Not really sure what instance you are saying no to.

I understood the OP to be saying “No” to a guy who wants to date her.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Yes, inspired in part by the “why can’t women say they’re not interested…” thread. But I’ve found more often than not “I’m not interested” means “persuade me.” It seems very difficult as a single woman to say no to a guy in a way that means no and not try harder. It can be quite irritating when a guy has decided to persistently try to engage you whether or not you want to engage with him.

How do you say no in a way that clearly ends things, without never seeing the guy again?

1st time - No thank but best of luck to you. Or No I don’t think we are a good match.
2nd time - Sorry no I’m not interested.
3rd time - What is there about no that you don’t understand?
4th -5th time if they bother me again and seem especially pushy or manipulative …I let them know the police may be contacted.

Luckily I’ve never had to go beyond 3.

 

[AtDawn]

Yes, inspired in part by the “why can’t women say they’re not interested…” thread. But I’ve found more often than not “I’m not interested” means “persuade me.” It seems very difficult as a single woman to say no to a guy in a way that means no and not try harder. It can be quite irritating when a guy has decided to persistently try to engage you whether or not you want to engage with him.

How do you say no in a way that clearly ends things, without never seeing the guy again?

Don’t smile when you say no.

Make sure your body language supports your words. Straighten your back.

 

[juliamajor]

She’s talking about turning down dates. This thread doesn’t have anything to do with other near occasions of sin.

As an aside, in the situation you’re talking about, I would recommend the “Subway Defense System”, but only as an absolute last resort

''Get Lost" was primarily was used for turning dates down.

 

[DarkLight]

Well, if you truly want to stay just friends, then you have to explain this. However, you do have to be prepared to break off all contact.

A friendship is an important relationship, and does involve some level of intimacy, although not romantic intimacy. You both need to treat the relationship with respect, and set boundaries. If the guy isn’t interested in friendship, you need to respect this, and break it off. If the guy still pursues you, he isn’t respecting you, and your need to break it off out of respect for yourself.

If you stay friends, then you need to stay honest about intentions (no secret pining!).

I wasn’t even really thinking about staying friends. I was thinking more like, say, you go to a particular student group on campus. And some guy’s clearly interested, always needing to be near you, monopolizing conversations to try to get your attention, that sort of thing. And maybe you’ve said not happening but it doesn’t stop.

Or maybe it’s just some idiot who rides the same bus into work as you do. You’d rather read but every time he’s there he has to be in conversation with you. He’s persistent, you’ve said no but he’s still persistent in trying to engage you. You don’t want to change buses as that would add some real time to your commute, but no I don’t want to talk to you doesn’t seem to do anything.

So I’m not so concerned with staying friends as I am with staying in the same spaces and groups, while still being able to prevent guys like that from monopolizing your time and energy trying to get you to notice them.

 

[JRKH]

Yes, inspired in part by the “why can’t women say they’re not interested…” thread. But I’ve found more often than not “I’m not interested” means “persuade me.” It seems very difficult as a single woman to say no to a guy in a way that means no and not try harder. It can be quite irritating when a guy has decided to persistently try to engage you whether or not you want to engage with him.

How do you say no in a way that clearly ends things, without never seeing the guy again?

When I read the title I thought…Well it might help if you are holding a cattle prod…:bigyikes:

James