How do you successfully tell a guy no?

[Zzyzx_Road]

You may still have to go full dark on him. No contact, block his number on your phone, etc.

If you have to run in the same circles and groups as him, and you are past the point of saying “I’m not interested” and “no” a few times, then at that point you’ve already given him all the courtesy you are ever going to give him. If he keeps coming at you, then he is being rude. At that point, you do not owe him courtesy anymore, let alone platonic friendship. So … make it a point to ignore him. Do not go near him if you can help it. If you see him walking up to you, turn your back to him and/or walk away. If he tries to isolate you, again, walk away, do not engage him in conversation. You may have to be rude to get the message across. You could have a friend tell him in no uncertain terms. But do engage with others in the group so you don’t become an outcast for shutting him down. Also so you can counteract against becoming a target of his sniping at you behind your back. Getting a restraining order should be considered a last resort when all other options fail. Nearly all men should get the hint short of that.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Yes, inspired in part by the “why can’t women say they’re not interested…” thread. But I’ve found more often than not “I’m not interested” means “persuade me.” It seems very difficult as a single woman to say no to a guy in a way that means no and not try harder. It can be quite irritating when a guy has decided to persistently try to engage you whether or not you want to engage with him.

How do you say no in a way that clearly ends things, without never seeing the guy again?

The only way to really say no is to go full ***** on him which means people will blame you for being inappropriate because they didn’t notice any of the lead up.

Honestly I’m considering getting a rosary ring to wear on my finger to which I can point to.

 

[Xantippe]

I wasn’t even really thinking about staying friends. I was thinking more like, say, you go to a particular student group on campus. And some guy’s clearly interested, always needing to be near you, monopolizing conversations to try to get your attention, that sort of thing. And maybe you’ve said not happening but it doesn’t stop.

Or maybe it’s just some idiot who rides the same bus into work as you do. You’d rather read but every time he’s there he has to be in conversation with you. He’s persistent, you’ve said no but he’s still persistent in trying to engage you. You don’t want to change buses as that would add some real time to your commute, but no I don’t want to talk to you doesn’t seem to do anything.

The second one is easy. Wear ear buds or headphones on the bus (even if you’re not actually listening to anything). Then when you’re bothered, smile and point to your headphones and then break eye contact.

(I don’t advise headphones when you’re out and about, because it’s too likely to hurt your situational awareness, but it’s perfect for the bus or train.)

The first one is way harder. If you’ve got the guts for it, you could steer him over to somebody else, say something like “Hey! Jorge is also from New Mexico! You guys must have so much in common! Well, I’ll leave you to get acquainted!” and then head back to your original conversation. Repeat that routine three times or so, and he’ll eventually get the picture. And if he doesn’t, then it’s time to ask the organizers to talk to him.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…
Or maybe it’s just some idiot who rides the same bus into work as you do. You’d rather read but every time he’s there he has to be in conversation with you. He’s persistent, you’ve said no but he’s still persistent in trying to engage you. You don’t want to change buses as that would add some real time to your commute, but no I don’t want to talk to you doesn’t seem to do anything.
…

Headphones can be a wondeful thing. Even if they’re just plugged into an iPod that’s off, if he approaches- just point at the headphones without smiling and shake your head.

 

[Havard]

The only way to really say no is to go full ***** on him which means people will blame you for being inappropriate because they didn’t notice any of the lead up.

Honestly I’m considering getting a rosary ring to wear on my finger to which I can point to.

“I’m serious - your persistence is making me really uncomfortable” should be warning enough and should work like a swift kick in the pants to anyone with a conscience.

Any guy who keeps pressing after you’ve made that clear shouldn’t be surprised if the self-defense measures come next.

 

[theCrow]

“I’m serious - your persistence is making me really uncomfortable” should be warning enough and should work like a swift kick in the pants to anyone with a conscience.

Any guy who keeps pressing after you’ve made that clear shouldn’t be surprised if the self-defense measures come next.

I agree, NO means NO!

If a guy continues to bother you after you’ve told him not to talk to you anymore, alert your friends, family and if it continues, the Police.

 

[DarkLight]

Headphones can be a wondeful thing. Even if they’re just plugged into an iPod that’s off, if he approaches- just point at the headphones without smiling and shake your head.

In my experience all headphones do is get the same guys to talk louder and get in your personal space more, or start doing things like putting a hand on your shoulder to get your attention.

One of the difficulties is that often these guys won’t express interest directly. They may even insist they want to just be friendly. Their behavior of course generally belies their interest, especially as they often seem intent on pushing a “friendship” to a level that’s not desired. (And honestly most of them think they’re a lot more subtle than they are - don’t tell me you just want to be friends when I turn around and you’re staring!) But they act in a way that if you say I’m not interested they’ll say oh, no no no, I didn’t mean it like that and continue to try to get close to you.

 

[Xantippe]

In my experience all headphones do is get the same guys to talk louder and get in your personal space more, or start doing things like putting a hand on your shoulder to get your attention.

One of the difficulties is that often these guys won’t express interest directly. They may even insist they want to just be friendly. Their behavior of course generally belies their interest, especially as they often seem intent on pushing a “friendship” to a level that’s not desired. (And honestly most of them think they’re a lot more subtle than they are - don’t tell me you just want to be friends when I turn around and you’re staring!) But they act in a way that if you say I’m not interested they’ll say oh, no no no, I didn’t mean it like that and continue to try to get close to you.

Yuck.

“Take your hand off of me. Do I need to talk to the bus driver about this?”

There is an authority figure on the bus and he or she can tell people to get off.

 

[Pug]

Ugh! The creepy, clinging barnacle type. “I want to sit here peacefully, alone with my own thoughts, without any company or conversation.” Perhaps sit next to another woman on the bus so he can’t sit next to you. Or say “Leave me alone. NOW!” and turn your back. Reapply as needed.

Sorry this is happening to you. It is sooo creepy and annoying, I know. Some people can marshal a haughty look of distaste, as if viewing an undesirable insect. I assume you can’t do that, though. Sigh. I never could either.

 

[runningdude]

I wasn’t even really thinking about staying friends. I was thinking more like, say, you go to a particular student group on campus. And some guy’s clearly interested, always needing to be near you, monopolizing conversations to try to get your attention, that sort of thing. And maybe you’ve said not happening but it doesn’t stop.

Or maybe it’s just some idiot who rides the same bus into work as you do. You’d rather read but every time he’s there he has to be in conversation with you. He’s persistent, you’ve said no but he’s still persistent in trying to engage you. You don’t want to change buses as that would add some real time to your commute, but no I don’t want to talk to you doesn’t seem to do anything.

So I’m not so concerned with staying friends as I am with staying in the same spaces and groups, while still being able to prevent guys like that from monopolizing your time and energy trying to get you to notice them.

Ah, I thought I was picking up on a detail that others were missing, but was mistaken.

In that case, tell the individual, “No,” and, “Your continued attention is unwelcome; I do not wish to speak with you. Please no longer contact me,” preferably with others present, and possibly audibly to others. What you describe is sexual harassment.

If it persists, and I am guessing that it has, there are different approaches. In a student group, I recommend speaking to the college’s Dean of Students or the equivalent officer. The organization’s faculty or staff adviser might also be a intermediate resource. Campus staff often have sexual harassment response plans, and may work with the group’s student leaders to help prevent this kind of behavior in the group.

On a public bus, you might complain to the driver, and persistent advances may get the individual kicked off the bus. You might also be able to file a complaint with the operating company/agency, who might revoke the individual’s riding privileges, or place additional personnel to monitor your line’s behavior.

For your safety, only interact with such an individual with others in ear shot, (the bus driver, other students, etc,9 when possible.

Be assertive. Raise your voice, if necessary. If your personal safety is directly threatened, get the police involved. Some schools or companies also offer escorts from dorms or parking lots to your building, to help avoid situations where you are vulnerable.

 

[Groo]

Well, I have never been in your situation so I don’t know if I can be much help.

My guess is that any verbal response you give is only adding fuel to fire. It doesn’t matter what you say because all he is looking for is some verbal acknowledgement, even if it is negative.

When I want someone to stop talking to me, I go silent. Have you tried absolute silence? If he tries to touch you physically recoil from him, but say nothing.

Again, no idea if this would work. You have my sympathy.

 

[Cricket2]

This is a tough one really. I had a fellow that just would not give up on asking me to marry him. After literally years of telling him “No, I am not in love with you.”–I had to get rude.

Don’t beat around the bush at all. Tell this person you are not interested and never will be. Advise him that he needs to avoid all further contact with you and that if he persists you will consider his behavior to boarder on that which can be called stalking.

No is no. People need to listen to that little word and get the meaning. Tell this person you expect no further contact from them. If you happen to work with them you might have to move on, or at least make sure everyone knows the only contact between you should be work related only. If he is at your Parish, as hard as it may be, change where you go to Church.

Remember you may not be able to change him, but you can change some of what you do to help put distance between you. Like I said, it is not easy, but certainly needed.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is a tough one really. I had a fellow that just would not give up on asking me to marry him. After literally years of telling him “No, I am not in love with you.”–I had to get rude.

Don’t beat around the bush at all. Tell this person you are not interested and never will be. Advise him that he needs to avoid all further contact with you and that if he persists you will consider his behavior to boarder on that which can be called stalking.

No is no. People need to listen to that little word and get the meaning. Tell this person you expect no further contact from them. If you happen to work with them you might have to move on, or at least make sure everyone knows the only contact between you should be work related only. If he is at your Parish, as hard as it may be, change where you go to Church.

Remember you may not be able to change him, but you can change some of what you do to help put distance between you. Like I said, it is not easy, but certainly needed.

When the first two or three more diplomatic responses have not been taken in the spirit they were meant, then bluntness is required. You don’t ever have to get rude, but you do have to be progressively more blunt. “John, we have been over this, and frankly, I’m done explaining myself! You are a nice person, I’m sure you will make someone a good husband, but I am not going to marry you. If you don’t drop this and take 'no” for an answer, I’m going to have to stop talking to you at all. I don’t want to do that, but you’re not leaving me much choice. I mean it. You won’t get another warning." Then do it.

Now, if you were to say that you were going to cut off social contact if the question were ever raised again after the first time he got up the courage to ask, I’d say that is very rude. You should be more concerned with his feelings and assuring him that he will make a good husband for someone else than you are with the possible unpleasantness of having to say ‘no’ more than once. Otherwise, your answer presumes that this guy finds you so irresistible that he’s going to pursue you no matter what you say. That’s fairly arrogant. Most guys do not want to marry someone who doesn’t prize him as much as he prizes her!

On the second try, if there is one, then you can say, “No. When I said, ‘no’ the first time, I was not being coy. I didn’t not mean ‘try me again later.’ I meant, ‘no, thank you, but no.’ I am flattered that you asked, anyone ought to be flattered that someone like you would want to have her for a wife, but I do not want you to ask again.” If he says, “What if you change your mind?” then you can say, “If I change my mind, I’ll eat humble pie and ask you. Otherwise, consider this my final answer.” On the third try, say: “I meant ‘no’. Period. Otherwise, we’re going to have to put more distance in. You are a nice guy, and I don’t find it pleasant to turn you down. Don’t make me do it again.”

 

[DarkLight]

Honestly I don’t think most of the guys are threats. On the bus maybe. But when we’re talking about student groups - we’re not usually talking about a guy continuing to make sexual advances. It’s more the typical “nice guy” strategy that women complain about. Often they never make overt sexual advances, at least not after the first time. More likely they insist on “let’s just be friends” when you never were more than casual acquaintances and aren’t terribly interested in their friendship. My impression is generally the guy’s thinking that if you just get to know him you’ll be interested. Or even he just wants to be around you all the time. Usually this type is entirely convinced that they’re being quite subtle and just acting friendly, and equally often they’re about a subtle as a sledgehammer.

 

[heidi_storage]

Honestly I don’t think most of the guys are threats. On the bus maybe. But when we’re talking about student groups - we’re not usually talking about a guy continuing to make sexual advances. It’s more the typical “nice guy” strategy that women complain about. Often they never make overt sexual advances, at least not after the first time. More likely they insist on “let’s just be friends” when you never were more than casual acquaintances and aren’t terribly interested in their friendship. My impression is generally the guy’s thinking that if you just get to know him you’ll be interested. Or even he just wants to be around you all the time. Usually this type is entirely convinced that they’re being quite subtle and just acting friendly, and equally often they’re about a subtle as a sledgehammer.

Never feel pressured into friendships you don’t want. It’s perfectly acceptable to say that you want distance from some people, or decline invitations to hang out.

 

[DaveBj]

Just thought of this – young ladies in situations like this might consider memorizing Elizabeth Bennett’s speech rejecting the advances of Mr. Collins from Pride and Prejudice:

youtube.com/watch?v=tWx7AF8B0R8&index=19&list=PLQTInHbuM1_yX_ErFvs0NnEhtOjhQytwU

 

[Xantippe]

Honestly I don’t think most of the guys are threats. On the bus maybe. But when we’re talking about student groups - we’re not usually talking about a guy continuing to make sexual advances. It’s more the typical “nice guy” strategy that women complain about. Often they never make overt sexual advances, at least not after the first time. More likely they insist on “let’s just be friends” when you never were more than casual acquaintances and aren’t terribly interested in their friendship. My impression is generally the guy’s thinking that if you just get to know him you’ll be interested. Or even he just wants to be around you all the time. Usually this type is entirely convinced that they’re being quite subtle and just acting friendly, and equally often they’re about a subtle as a sledgehammer.

“We’ve never been friends, Chris.”

Alternately, “I have enough friends already, Josh.”

 

[JWH123]

Yes, inspired in part by the “why can’t women say they’re not interested…” thread. But I’ve found more often than not “I’m not interested” means “persuade me.” It seems very difficult as a single woman to say no to a guy in a way that means no and not try harder. It can be quite irritating when a guy has decided to persistently try to engage you whether or not you want to engage with him.

How do you say no in a way that clearly ends things, without never seeing the guy again?

Just say what scores of women have said to me (every one I ever showed interest in knowing).

“I wouldn’t date you if we were the last 2 humans on earth and a relationship would be necessary for the continuation of the human race. Go away and if I ever see you near me again, I’ll grab my gun and kill you.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Honestly I don’t think most of the guys are threats. On the bus maybe. But when we’re talking about student groups - we’re not usually talking about a guy continuing to make sexual advances. It’s more the typical “nice guy” strategy that women complain about. Often they never make overt sexual advances, at least not after the first time. More likely they insist on “let’s just be friends” when you never were more than casual acquaintances and aren’t terribly interested in their friendship. My impression is generally the guy’s thinking that if you just get to know him you’ll be interested. Or even he just wants to be around you all the time. Usually this type is entirely convinced that they’re being quite subtle and just acting friendly, and equally often they’re about a subtle as a sledgehammer.

This happens with woman-to-woman friendship acquaintances, too. Some people do not know they are suffocating a possible relationship before it even gets started because they don’t know they have to take note of whether or not shows of interest have been reciprocated. They are so intent on gaining interest that they forget to leave the other person any room for initiative of their own. This leaves the other person feeling not so much wanted as hunted. The effect is, of course, the opposite of their intention.

That has to do with emotional intelligence, though. It is just as important to be kind to the emotionally unintelligent as to any other lack of intelligence. Just as with, for instance, mechanical intelligence, though, people will also sometimes pretend to be clueless in order to manipulate others into a position they would otherwise not accept. The answer in either case is to say “no,” but kindly. The kindness stays in place, but the firmness escalates as needed.

Dealing with those who become covertly spiteful when refused is another topic. It is worthwhile to ask others what their experiences have been with this person or that, because this kind of spitefulness is not as rare as we might like to hope. The spiteful response to rejection is not something to be unduly afraid of, but it is well worth being aware of the possibility. It does happen.

 

[esieffe]

Just some suggestions…

1. Tell him you have hired an Italian firm that specializes in this sort of problem and that they have a 100% resolution rate.
2. Take your check book out and ask how much it will take to make him go away.

3.Tell him that you have ordered a mail order bride for him that you got from Saigon by sending in 75.00 and two proof of purchase stickers from beachnut chewing tobacco packages.

1. Tell him you have had weekly nightmares involving him and they did not stop until you took a Dominican vow of chastity for life.