How does premarital sex harm an engaged couple the night before their wedding?

[jfhh]

Don’t you think that with wars and famines and crimes of unspeakable horror and angelic turmoil, that God would have bigger things to worry about than whether a couple has sex before their wedding night.

God would want what is best. What is best may be what is most romantic. And that should be decided by the couple. For one couple it may be to do it the night they become engaged; for another on their honeymoon. No two people are alike and no two couples will have the same interpersonal dynamic. God knows that. There’s no one size fits all morality. Some things are wrong for everyone; other things are wrong only for some. Let’s take an uncontroversial example. Kissing. A couple who are not yet ready to kiss in their relationship – it may be wrong for them to kiss since they aren’t ready yet and want to take it slow and want to personally reserve kissing for someone they know is special to them. Another couple may be ready for kissing, they’ve been together longer and for them maybe kissing doesn’t have as much significance in their culture. A similar thing could be true for more intimate acts. Maybe even sex.

Even if intercourse is wrong before marriage, other sexual acts should be moral. We know that intercourse/masturbation/etc., that these things have been found (apart from their risk of STDs), to be medically healthy. They lower the risk of some diseases. They can lower your blood pressure. Perhaps causation hasn’t been proven, but correlation has been shown for sure. Why would God want all these health benefits reserved for married people? God wants us to be healthy. These activities (apart from STDs) make us more healthy and every day we find out new ways they do that. I think when we exercise moderation and responsibility, it is fine.

 

[kage_ar]

Don’t you think that with wars and famines and crimes of unspeakable horror and angelic turmoil, that God would have bigger things to worry about than whether a couple has sex before their wedding night.

God worries about one thing - that each of us spend eternity in heaven with Him.

Wars and famines and crimes, those are problems we human beings bring on ourselves because we LOSE the focus that our purpose in life is to know, love and serve God and to be with Him forever.

God would want what is best. What is best may be what is most romantic. And that should be decided by the couple. .

God knows what is best, that we do not sin and that we obey His commandments so we can spend eternity with Him.

God could not care less about romance - maybe you have God confused with Hallmark card company?

For one couple it may be to do it the night they become engaged; for another on their honeymoon. No two people are alike and no two couples will have the same interpersonal dynamic. God knows that. There’s no one size fits all morality. Some things are wrong for everyone; other things are wrong only for some. Let’s take an uncontroversial example. Kissing. A couple who are not yet ready to kiss in their relationship – it may be wrong for them to kiss since they aren’t ready yet and want to take it slow and want to personally reserve kissing for someone they know is special to them. Another couple may be ready for kissing, they’ve been together longer and for them maybe kissing doesn’t have as much significance in their culture. A similar thing could be true for more intimate acts. Maybe even sex…

Passionate kissing is foreplay, and is wrong before marriage.

Sex is made for marriage.

You can disagree with God all day long, it won’t get you anything except a broken heart and eternal separation from Him.

Even if intercourse is wrong before marriage, other sexual acts should be moral. We know that intercourse/masturbation/etc., that these things have been found (apart from their risk of STDs), to be medically healthy. They lower the risk of some diseases. They can lower your blood pressure. Perhaps causation hasn’t been proven, but correlation has been shown for sure. Why would God want all these health benefits reserved for married people? God wants us to be healthy. These activities (apart from STDs) make us more healthy and every day we find out new ways they do that. I think when we exercise moderation and responsibility, it is fine.

The creator of the human body and the human soul knows what is best for both.

That is, say it with me - to know, love and serve God in this live and to live forever with Him in the next.

 

[Ruthie]

Nice job of rationalization, dude. You put a lot of effort into it. But…

All the finicky little arguments in the world will not change God.

After your death, Jesus is **not **going to listen to all your rationalizing and say, “Oh, my, why didn’t I think of that? Silly me, inventing the Sacrament of Marriage when a private commitment is just as good!”

He told us to strive to enter by the narrow gate that leads to Heaven. So suck it up and save it for marriage.

God bless you with simple thinking,

Ruthie

 

[TotallyConfused]

Passionate kissing is foreplay, and is wrong before marriage.

That’s all I’m gonna say about that…

 

[Neil_Anthony]

If the couple has waited that long to have sex, then having sex the night before the wedding would genuinely harm them in the sense that the graces they had been working so hard to obtain with the sacrament of marriage would be diminished.

Certainly, as you point out, the gravity of the sin must be less. But you asked about the harm it does to the couple.

Reserving sex for marriage will strengthen the couple’s relationship. The wonderful gift of the marriage act comes to be associated with the life-long bond of marriage. By breaking the rules even slightly, they are eroding from that association, which is a grace given by God to help keep families together. It does harm to the couple and their children and everyone around them.

 

[BlestOne]

Well I would like to thank the OP for my entertainment of the day… and for the exercise of my abdominal muscles from laughing…

jfhh, have you ever heard of delayed gratification?

Here is what a psychology study says about it:
Almost everyone, everyday, practices delay of gratification—whether deciding to skip dessert in order to lose weight or give up smoking in order to live longer. The ability to delay gratification is often a sign of emotional and social maturity. Young children, for example, find it more difficult to delay gratification than older children. When kindergartners in one study were offered a choice between getting a small candy bar immediately or a larger one later, 72% chose the smaller candy bar. This number decreased to 67% among first and second graders and 49% for third and fourth graders. By the fifth and sixth grades it had fallen to 38%, nearly half the rate for kindergartners.

God wants us to be happy was one of your arguments… every time I hear this argument I have to remind myself that not everybody understands what true happiness is or where it comes from. Being in perfect union with God is pure happiness. To achieve this happiness there is a submission to God’s will. True happiness comes from willingly submitting to God’s will and forsaking our own. It isn’t about doing what feels good, it is about doing what is right and God decides what is right. The reason we have so many empty unhappy people in this world is because they have either forgotten this or never learned it. So yes… God wants us to be happy, but the lasting kind of happiness… not the fleeting, if it feels good do it kind of happiness… which isn’t really happiness at all.

You ask how it is wrong… it is wrong because our God is good and wants only the very best for us and he says it’s wrong…

You want to know how it harms… suppose you do make it to the night before the wedding… and you can’t make it another day… what does that say about you? What does that say about your beloved? It says that you think your ideas are better than God’s, that in the end you can’t maintain, that your beloved can’t respect you nor you him when the going gets tough, it also says that you can’t depend on your beloved to carry things through to the end… that you don’t honor God with your actions… the one who created you and knew you before you were born and sent his only begotten Son to die for your sins… would you do this to your earthly father?

 

[Highwayhound]

First let me state that I sense this question is an honest attempt to examine the right and wrong of the issue. As I read your posts my impression is of one who is not settled in one’s positions on such matters. If you were settled on the issue then why post here on C.A.?

In the original post the first statement eliminates both the Bible and the church (assumption church = catholic church?). In later post’s God is brought into the issue.
Which shall it be God or no God? (The Bible is God’s word and the church is God’s church.)

That God is brought into the discussion tells me a genuine search is in the works.

This hypothetical couple having engaged in sex then drives to a late night diner to get something to eat. While driving, their vehicle is struck by another vehicle, one dies and one lives. The deceased dies in a state of mortal sin and thus harm is done. This harm to the deceased’s soul could have been prevented.

There is no way to predict the future. A young man of 20 yrs. named Brian was preparing to be a firefighter instructor. (I am at the firehall right now.) I saw him one evening here and 2 days later his heart had exploded and he was dead. So even if the hypothetical couple stays at home one could die in a state of mortal sin.

The parents of the deceased ask the living person, “Did my child die in a state of mortal sin or in a state of grace?” I would like to hear the answer of the living.

Next point:

Remember this sex is unitive and they don’t use contraception. Everything about it is beautiful and no one is harmed; God is praised.

I am curious to know how God is praised in the original example?

Next: The dinner party analogy is a good one. I have printed it out and will use it in class with my high school students.

Next:

Sex doesn’t express something besides love and committment.

Are you limiting this statement to this example? Because in this world sex is routinely used for domination over others, selfish gratification, etc.

Next:

At best it would violate a rule God has set up. It wouldn’t violate human nature itself.

I would ask this question: Which is greater God or human nature?

OK, if it’s not wrong because it’s harmful, then what makes it wrong? What about it is wrong? In what way is it wrong?

Are we humble servants of God or are we gods ourselves? To place ourselves at God’s level or above is the wrong.

This is the same committment. The only difference is societal recognition as husband and wife. The committment itself is the same. I’m not saying all engaged couples do this. Just some.

Why is public speaking so hard compared to private discussions? The presence of all those other people does make a difference. Why does a murderer attempt to get rid of witnesses to the crime? Because a witness could publicly speak about the murderer’s private act and then the societal recognition occurs.

Anyway even if sex before marriage is imperfect, at least once you are married all that is blessed by God retroactively if you will

.

Humility, the above statement seems to speak for God, is that what was intended?

Don’t you think that with wars and famines and crimes of unspeakable horror and angelic turmoil, that God would have bigger things to worry about than whether a couple has sex before their wedding night.

Accepting of God is to accept that He is almighty, and that His ways are above our ways. To place human limitations on God is an error. God can walk and chew gum and play the harmonica at the same time.

I hope you are finding answers to your question.

God bless

 

[rwoehmke]

It is really very simple. Scripture says that fornicators will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. People who are single who have sex with each other outside of marriage are by definition fornicators. Doesn’t matter if it is a week before the wedding, the night before the wedding, or in the aisle on the way up to the altar. It is fornication. Sin is a slap in the face of Jesus who is the third person who is part of the trinity of husband, wife, and God that is formed whenever two baptized persons marry. It is an insult to the very God who gave you life in the first place. God who created human beings is the author of marriage, not the Church, not the state, and not the couple, but the creator who made us male and female for a reason.

 

[Neil_Anthony]

Don’t you think that with wars and famines and crimes of unspeakable horror and angelic turmoil, that God would have bigger things to worry about than whether a couple has sex before their wedding night.

God is omnipotent and according to the bible He even knows how many hairs we have on our head. So nothing is too trivial for God to take notice. But don’t make the mistake that sexual morality is trivial: its the way in which God gave us the power to co-operate with him in the creation of human beings. The church says its grave matter for good reasons.

 

[royal_archer]

I don’t want to know how the bible or the church says it is wrong. I want to know if and if so, how, it harms anyone. And I mean specifically between an engaged couple the night before their wedding when there is as much chance that they won’t tie the knot as there is that your putative marriage is unbeknownst to you actually invalid (like maybe you were both fertilized artificially and you were actually biologically half-siblings, making the marriage invalid, but due to privacy laws you haven’t found out).

Let’s say it also happens to be that the woman is infertile and they know this. So there’s not even a question of children being harmed or being born out of wedlock or even being conceived out of wedlock.

No one has ever given me a rational reason why this would harm anyone. So it can’t be wrong. Therefore if premarital sex is wrong, it’s only a good rule of thumb that it is wrong.

Remember this sex is unitive and they don’t use contraception. Everything about it is beautiful and no one is harmed; God is praised.

Premarital sex is like helping your friends and family pick out and wrap gifts for you. It may be a little fun but it really degrades the future. The wedding night should be a special first time, not just another night in the sack. If a potential spouse isn’t worth waiting for there not worth having.

 

[lizaanne]

Remember this sex is unitive and they don’t use contraception.

It can not be unitive when it is sinful. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It draws both people further away from Christ by breaking His commands. And if you are not close to Christ then how can you be even closer to another human being?

Everything about it is beautiful and no one is harmed; God is praised.

God is never EVER praised by breaking His laws. The couple is harmed by separating themselves from God.

~Liza

 

[brandymmiller]

I don’t want to know how the bible or the church says it is wrong. I want to know if and if so, how, it harms anyone. And I mean specifically between an engaged couple the night before their wedding …

Sex between a man and a woman is at its core a prayer the couple offers up to God. It is a prayer for blessings on their marital union, a prayer for an increase in the love and devotion they feel for one another, and a prayer for the fruitfulness of their union. Because it is such a powerful prayer, God has given us instructions on how and when we may use this prayer. To misuse this prayer, violating God’s command to wait until after marriage, is to harm not only the relationship the couple have with one another but also to harm the relationship each one has with God.

If you truly love your spouse, why would you encourage them to do anything that hurts their relationship with God? Why would you encourage them to do something that could cause them to carry a burden of guilt or shame? To encourage them to do something that harms their relationship with God in any way is inherently selfish, and such selfishness will eventually work to destroy the love that the couple are working to build together. Furthermore, it puts the beloved’s soul at risk. Suppose she or he should die before the wedding - your selfishness has helped them to commit a mortal sin which has gone unconfessed! Is it love that wants to risk the soul of your beloved?

Having said this, there is nothing that human hands can do that God cannot undo. If you and your beloved stray before marriage, and you pray together for forgiveness and reconciliation, God can heal whatever divide that might crop up between you as a result. Our mistakes need not be causes of dispair. However, this should not be interpreted as a reaon to presume on His forgiveness. We never know how long we have to live, and we must never assume we will have the time to ask for forgiveness later. For a Christian, it is never a case of “easier to ask for forgiveness than to seek permission”.

 

[jfhh]

Sex between a man and a woman is at its core a prayer the couple offers up to God. It is a prayer for blessings on their marital union, a prayer for an increase in the love and devotion they feel for one another, and a prayer for the fruitfulness of their union. Because it is such a powerful prayer, God has given us instructions on how and when we may use this prayer. To misuse this prayer, violating God’s command to wait until after marriage, is to harm not only the relationship the couple have with one another but also to harm the relationship each one has with God.

Do you think about God when you have sex? Does anyone? Is it considered okay to think about God when having sex? Is it completely okay to not think about God when having sex and just focus on your lover (spouse)? These are serious questions.

 

[brandymmiller]

As to sex being a prayer offered to God, I would say that your ignorance as to the mechanics behind it does not in any way alter what it is or prevent it from working anymore than my ignorance of the mechanics behind a software application changes what it is or what it does. It may, as is the case with sex, prevent me from using it to its fullest capacity but it doesn’t CHANGE what it is. As Christians, we are to offer all of our actions to the Lord, and He should be on our mind regardless of what we are doing.

 

[adelore]

Ok so you want to know how it can harm without the Bible.

I’ll give it a whril for you.

First, if you truely love someone it’s called Respect. Love goes very deep and in order to truely love someone you must Respect them.

To have a good Relationship, (now mind you I’m leaving the Bible out of this at your request.) a person first must love themselves and respect themselves before they can love and respect others.

If you want to have a Special lasting memory with your wife or husband, there’s nothing more special than getting to know each other on your wedding night for the very first time.

Not to mention if you have sex before your married you have just robbed yourselves of the special event of your marriage. The bond of the wedding night, you will have lost. That very first time when, just as your wedding vows say the two become “One” won’t happen, (because you would have already done that part) and so you’ll have no special magical moment when you fulfil the wedding vows that you had just taken a few hours sooner.

Who would be hurt by it? You Would and your new spouse…that’s who.

And let’s be honest here…what’s the hurry with having sex? I mean truely if you want to have sex, (not saying you do but since you asked the question) before your married where does that make a young couple any different from anyone else out there who is one week sleeping with this one and then next week or next month sleeping with that one? Don’t take offense, I 'm just asking. I guess your anwer could be (and I sort of half expect it to be from the other postings I’ve read) well it’s different because we’re engaged…

Different because your engaged from everyone else sleeping around you say. (just filling in an answer here to get to my point).

Really…?

Well people who wait until they are married…are more different they have a **full blown Commitment **to each other…in every sense of the word. Respect, Trust, Love, and a Marriage License that makes them not just having sex, but truely they become ONE. Completely.

Ok that’s my whirl on answering your question.

 

[BlestOne]

Do you think about God when you have sex? Does anyone? Is it considered okay to think about God when having sex? Is it completely okay to not think about God when having sex and just focus on your lover (spouse)? These are serious questions.

Quite honestly YES…YES…YES…NO

More later… bed time for me…

 

[Debra_C]

I don’t want to know how the bible or the church says it is wrong. I want to know if and if so, how, it harms anyone. And I mean specifically between an engaged couple the night before their wedding when there is as much chance that they won’t tie the knot as there is that your putative marriage is unbeknownst to you actually invalid (like maybe you were both fertilized artificially and you were actually biologically half-siblings, making the marriage invalid, but due to privacy laws you haven’t found out).

Let’s say it also happens to be that the woman is infertile and they know this. So there’s not even a question of children being harmed or being born out of wedlock or even being conceived out of wedlock.

No one has ever given me a rational reason why this would harm anyone. So it can’t be wrong. Therefore if premarital sex is wrong, it’s only a good rule of thumb that it is wrong.

Remember this sex is unitive and they don’t use contraception. Everything about it is beautiful and no one is harmed; God is praised.

Basically put, it demonstrates to God that your own desires and own will are more important to you than His will, His commandments and your relationship with Him. In doing so, you cut yourself off from Him by turning your back on His gift of grace. I can’t imagine a more horrific state to be in than that. And then to enter into a sacrament the following day unrepentant? And if the wedding is to occur within a Mass and you receive Communion, then you are committing a sacrilege against the Eucharist! You expect God to honor such actions as holy? And in the process you drag your spouse to be into this state with you. Is not his/her eternal salvation worth more to you than having sex a night early? How selfish is that? One cannot truly give oneself to another in an act of selfishness!

 

[CassiusLonginus]

Basically put, it demonstrates to God that your own desires and own will are more important to you than His will, His commandments and your relationship with Him. In doing so, you cut yourself off from Him by turning your back on His gift of grace. I can’t imagine a more horrific state to be in than that. And then to enter into a sacrament the following day unrepentant? And if the wedding is to occur within a Mass and you receive Communion, then you are committing a sacrilege against the Eucharist! You expect God to honor such actions as holy?

There have been several good answers, imho, but I like yours the best, Debra. You’re exactly right, especially the following:

And in the process you drag your spouse to be into this state with you. Is not his/her eternal salvation worth more to you than having sex a night early? How selfish is that? One cannot truly give oneself to another in an act of selfishness!

Pre-marrital sex is not a unitive act. It is a selfish one. There is no “I love you”, rather it is “I love the way you make me feel”. There is such a thing as free will. Unfortunately, many people aren’t free at all, rather they are slaves to their passions. If you cannot say no to your passions, to temptation, you’re not free at all…simply a slave to those passions.

Don’t fear those that can destroy your body. Fear those that destroy your soul. In the case of this supposed engaged couple, they are destroying each other’s souls by their selfish slavery to their passions.

 

[thistle]

I don’t want to know how the bible or the church says it is wrong. I want to know if and if so, how, it harms anyone. And I mean specifically between an engaged couple the night before their wedding when there is as much chance that they won’t tie the knot as there is that your putative marriage is unbeknownst to you actually invalid (like maybe you were both fertilized artificially and you were actually biologically half-siblings, making the marriage invalid, but due to privacy laws you haven’t found out).

Let’s say it also happens to be that the woman is infertile and they know this. So there’s not even a question of children being harmed or being born out of wedlock or even being conceived out of wedlock.

No one has ever given me a rational reason why this would harm anyone. So it can’t be wrong. Therefore if premarital sex is wrong, it’s only a good rule of thumb that it is wrong.

Remember this sex is unitive and they don’t use contraception. Everything about it is beautiful and no one is harmed; God is praised.

You should care what the Bible and the Church says. That’s where we get God’s teachings from. Sex outside marriage is a grave sin. If you were a Catholic you would know that and be humble and obedient.
Who does it harm? It harms the two people committing the grave sin by separating themselves from God. Committing a mortal sin by definition is rejecting God’s love.

 

[adelore]

I just thought of another answer for your question.

The Law of the Land says that sex out of marriage is Not legal. (Yes I know it’s an old law that isn’t enforced like it use to be, but that’s not what you asked, it is indeed a law.)

My question back to the person who wants to know Who would be harmed by it is this. “What’s the hurry?”

Another thought that has crossed my mind on this question is this. If this act has already happened and it’s bothering (whomever) might I suggest in going to confession. If you’re not Catholic, then you might want to go into prayer and ask for forgiveness for being in such a hurry.

This is not to say, it’s ok to have intent to do a sinful act, thinking well I can always confess it later.

But if the person is asking this question based on the fact let’s say it has already happened and they feel bad about it, knowing it was a sinful thing to do, then by all means Confess the sin and ask for forgiveness.