How important is physical attraction when thinking of marrying someone?

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whatevergirl

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*Hi everyone; 👋

Random question-

Just wanted some objective opinions. I have a good friend, who ‘seems’ to be falling in love with a nice guy…she said that they connect on many levels–intellectually, spiritually, etc…the one thing she said that saddens her a little, is that she is not ‘attracted’ to him. She said she just doesn’t find there to be chemistry, and she feels that he doesn’t find her all that physically attractive, either. She asked me if she should continue dating him, and I told her that if she connects with him on other levels, why not? 🤷

What do you think? Is it possible for two people to marry, who connect on various levels, but don’t have physical chemistry? My husband and I met at a party, he said the ‘minute’ he saw me, he knew he’d marry me. :rolleyes: Riiiight. lol I still laugh at that to this day. I also was attracted to him–THEN–the other areas of connection built from there between us. I suppose there is no wrong or right way, but my friend started as a friend to this guy, and then their ‘friendship’ blossomed to an exclusive dating relationship.

I think her relationship could work. I told her that if she is falling in love with him, clearly looks don’t matter all that much to her, but she obviously thinks it does on some level.

What do you think? *
 
I would ask her what the difference is between this guy and just a really, really good friend. Or a really, really cool brother.
 
Eek! I’m torn on the subject myself. I don’t know the boundaries of your friendship, but I would ask her if she could see herself having sex with him. Obviously sex is a large part of marriage and it should be considered. But obviously their dating has worked with a lack oh physical attraction, so I don’t see why a marriage would not. If she’s not picking her tongue up off the floor after she looks at him, that’s ok. As long as they don’t find each-other physically repulsive and they don’t think it’ll create a problem, I don’t see why it would.
 
You go girl!!!

When my girls started to date I told them to look for a guy that they could talk to…a friend. Loving is sometimes easy…it’s the liking that is difficult. Someone who looks good to you when they are at their lowest and you want to support them and they you…and be honest when they ask. Knowing that this is the person you want to share your joys, but more importantly, one that will be there for you in the sorrows that come with life. One that puts God as a priority in his life…

GO PENS!!! I will bring the wine for the party!!!:dancing:

Bless you!
Theresa
 
For me personally, I do think that there needs to be some level of physical attraction. I guess it depends on your level of spirituality, but I think for some people, if they are not physically attracted to their spouse/ significant other, they are going to be more apt to sin by looking at others in an inappropriate way.
But, I do think that if you are with someone, you can become physically attracted to them for their other attributes and then you will no longer notice what you used to find unattractive about them. So I’d say that to stay in the relationship would be worth it.
 
HeWillProvide said:
I would ask her what the difference is between this guy and just a really, really good friend. Or a really, really cool brother.
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That’s a good suggestion. I really didn’t know what to say? I would say, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and what I think she was driving at, is SHE personally is not attracted to him. But, she feels more than a friendship, and feels he would make a great husband. 🤷*
 
BrokenFortress said:
For me personally, I do think that there needs to be some level of physical attraction. I guess it depends on your level of spirituality, but I think for some people, if they are not physically attracted to their spouse/ significant other, they are going to be more apt to sin by looking at others in an inappropriate way.
But, I do think that if you are with someone, you can become physically attracted to them for their other attributes and then you will no longer notice what you used to find unattractive about them. So I’d say that to stay in the relationship would be worth it.
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I agree with what you’re saying. I think that ‘attraction’ can show itself in a lot of ways…humor, wit, intellect, etc…Her concern is that she will not be completely fulfilled. She explained it as not having that ‘whirring’ feeling in your stomach…in anticipation of her bf arriving to take her out for the evening. I have to admit, I had that butterfly effect feeling with my husband. It was exciting, thrilling. Granted, those were just feelings, and feelings fade. But, to not ever have them at all? I don’t know what to make of it with her. 🤷

Ever see the movie, Moonstruck, with Cher? Cher who plays Loretta falls in love with Nicholas Cage, almost upon first sight. Clearly, physical attaction based. She is however engaged to his boring, mama’s boy brother. Towards the end of the movie, Loretta’s mom says…“Loretta, do you love him?” (in a heavy NY, Italian accent) She replies…“I love him somethin’ awful, mom.”

Her mom just looks down, and moans. 😃 *
 
Some people need the “whir” some don’t. If she’s asking she probably does. I really do need the “fire” but I have a friend whose happily married who doesn’t.
 
Yeah… I see what you’re saying… But now having read your other posts, I don’t think that to get married would be the best idea. Because later down the road she may think that the grass is greener on the other side… Like she may want to feel that physical attraction with someone
 
rayne89 said:
Some people need the “whir” some don’t. If she’s asking she probably does. I really do need the “fire” but I have a friend whose happily married who doesn’t.
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*Interesting. I need the fire too. Well, maybe not need. lol

So, your friend never felt that ‘something’ with her husband? *
 
Well, all I’ve learned about being attractiveness: there must be close proximity (they have to live pretty nearby), there has to be similarity (having things in common with each other), and yes, there has to be physical attractiveness. So, yeah, I guess being good-looking (in the eyes of the beholder) is very important. But, that’s in a rather vague view of the situation. I’m hear to brainstorm for you. 🙂

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood
 
I’ve been married 30 years. My husband first met me when I was literally a sexy babe (sweet 16), and now I’m 52, a hundred pounds overweight, and due to tendon problems and surgeries, have difficulty walking.

We have a very nice love life (we keep a journal!).

I’m only telling you this so you can take my comments in perspective!

I don’t think the “fire” or the “jaw-dropping” or any of that kind of feeling is of lasting importance. But I do think a couple should feel “comfortable” together and find each other appealing, even if Glamour Magazine would put both of them in the “Don’t” section!

My husband finds plenty of physical traits about me that he does find appealing, and I think likewise about him. (I think that older couples often make love not only to the current spouse, but to the younger, thinner, more beautiful/handsome version of that spouse who still exists in their hearts and minds.)

By “comfortable,” I mean that there should be nothing about the spouse that they can’t get used to. Some people could not get used to a spouse with vastly different coloring then themselves, while others aren’t bothered at all. Same with a handicap; some people could never be comfortable with someone who is in a wheelchair, or missing limbs, or blind, or wears a colostomy bag, but others aren’t unduly bothered by it. Some people are uncomfortable around a person who looks like another person who was cruel to them in the past.

I think for women, smell is very important. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. Women supposedly have a more sensitive sense of smell. I think the guy’s “scent” should appeal to them. I personally dislike garlic immensely, so I really don’t like being around people who reek of it. I don’t mind the smell of cigarette smoke, but I hate the smell of STALE cigarette smoke. I HATE the smell of coffee! My husband smells good–at least, to me he smells good. I think a woman should pay attention and take her sense of smell seriously when she’s trying to decide if she feels comfortable with a man.

I think a potential spouse should be someone that you can see yourself cudding with under a blanket during a snowstorm eating saltines and listening to a transistor radio because the power went out and you can’t watch TV, read, or play games and you don’t want to make love because the pipes are frozen and you can’t take a shower afterwards! Comfy, like a good dog, or the old ratty stuffed animal that you still sleep with.

If after several weeks/months, you don’t feel “comfortable” around a person, I would probably keep them as a friend and continue to search for a spouse.
 
Isn’t it that the more you start to love someone, the more attractive you find them?

JB
 
Even if that fire “fades,” I’d rather have a temporal period of that fire in a marriage than to never have had it at all.
 
From what I’ve seen of married couples (not to mention divorced ones), the most important factor isn’t how intense the attraction is, only that it be equal on both sides.

I know a guy who hardly ever touches his wife, and that’s fine with her. They’re about as romantic as tree bark, but it works for them. Another couple is like teenagers; can’t keep their hands off each other, and they write love notes to each other all the time. gag They’re quite happy, though.
 
For many years, and still in come cultures today - people married through arranged marriages. And most of these never ended in divorce.

IMHO truly you shouldn’t date someone you can’t see being married too. Physical attraction can grow… our culture wants to say otherwise but it can.

However part of being in a Sacramental Marriage is the sexuality part. To some couples I believe this is a very big part of their marriage, to others… not so much. I believe your friend needs to figure out how important it is to her.

Is she going to feel unfulfilled if she marries this guy, if so then she should probably stop dating.

But if she loves him and feels that she could grow to be more attracted to him and that physical attraction isn’t a big part of her needs then go for it. Just make sure he feels the same.

Joe
 
Some good advice above (Joe).

I think every case is different, but at least in general I’m wary of downplaying the aspect of romantic/sexual attraction (or any aspect).

Marriage is difficult. It takes real work and perseverance. Sad as it may be, even after 18 years, I can tell you that there have been more than a few times after an argument or what have you when I couldn’t help but notice how cute my wife looked and it made it easier to step forward and “fix” things. I love the fact that I still think she’s a cutie.

I look at marriage as though it’s something of a four cylinder engine. One cylinder is the spiritual relationship. Next is the friendship (phileo). Another is the parental relationship. Then there’s the romantic relationship (eros).

If any one of these “cylinders” are not performing, more pressure is put on the others to make the engine work. If at all possible, you want all of them working. The “chemistry” part is usually the part that is easiest to determine yet the most mysterious in many ways. While some people “grow” in attraction over time, if it doesn’t come fairly soon as two people get to know one another, that’s not a good sign, imo.

My $.02
 
Another thing to consider is, even if the physical attraction is there, how long will it last? Everyone ages and physical beauty fades. My grandparents love each-other more than any other two people on the planet, but when my grandfather looks at my grandmother, I doubt the thought running through his head is “hubba hubba.” It is infinitely more important to have someone you can spend time with and talk to and share everything with. Of course it’s great if you have both, but it can work with just emotional attraction, but it’ll never work with just physical attraction.
 
AdriannaJean said:
Another thing to consider is, even if the physical attraction is there, how long will it last? Everyone ages and physical beauty fades. My grandparents love each-other more than any other two people on the planet, but when my grandfather looks at my grandmother, I doubt the thought running through his head is “hubba hubba.” It is infinitely more important to have someone you can spend time with and talk to and share everything with. Of course it’s great if you have both, but it can work with just emotional attraction, but it’ll never work with just physical attraction.
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Another thing to keep in mind: men and women tend to be very different in this regard (in terms of what causes attraction).

Also, genuine eros (romantic love/attraction) is not fleeting like lust. Genuine eros may ebb and flow to an extent and manner that agape and phileo do not. But it does stay over the long haul if tended to and nurtured. I know many older couples who are still very much attracted to one another. Part of the beauty of the marital embrace is that after years and years of “practice”, spouses literally become what we might call “addicted” to one another. And, yes, they can and do still think “hubba hubba” even when grey and wrinkled.
 
whatevergirl said:
*Interesting. I need the fire too. Well, maybe not need. lol

So, your friend never felt that ‘something’ with her husband? *
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Not that I am aware of. She kept telling us all they were just friends long after it sure looked like they were dating.He is a very good provider, he gives her a lot of security, her parents like him (which is very important to her). They met in high school and were together 7 years (until she finished college) and they have been married 12 years now. Even though she has an RN nursing degree she’s always been a stay at home mom. They take yearly vacations (to places like Hawaii), they had a very large house built by the time they were married, drive nice cars. Hubby also has a souped up sports car for racing and a motorcycle. Financially they are very set. Although with the way things are in this state even her hubby is having deep concerns about his job.

She has always been very practical, we’ve known each other since junior high. Security and her parents approval are what she wanted. Her hubby though has always been attracted to her. It was obvious from the beginning. She loves him, I don’t doubt that. I think she grew to love him over time. They’ve never been tested with any serious issues so I really don’t know how they would fair.

If your friend is asking though, she’s missing it. That leads me to believe being practical will not work for her in the long run. Her attraction could grow over time, that’s not that uncommon in woman, but if its not there by the time she starts seriously considering marriage, I don’t think she’d be happy over the long run.
 
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