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Sierrah
Guest
If it’s not there it’s just not there and trying to make it appear never works. I learned this the hard way.
How important is physical attraction when thinking of marrying someone?
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Happy3Mom
Guest
For my dh, it was love at first sight. For me, it was just a friendship for the first 9 years. I wanted to love him, but I didn’t feel that spark at all. I loved him in a platonic way.
Then, after 9 years of friendship, I realized I had begun to feel differently about him. Because I was always wary of hurting him, I waited until I was absolutely sure before I told him. We were married within 6 months.
I never expected sex to be a big part of our life and it was not what I was looking for in my marriage. But, I can say I found that spark over the years, and now after 17 years of marriage, I find my dh more attractive than ever. He still seems to like me, too. Best of all, we are still good friends and enjoy talking to one another.
I say give it some time. What’s the rush?
Happy3Mom
Then, after 9 years of friendship, I realized I had begun to feel differently about him. Because I was always wary of hurting him, I waited until I was absolutely sure before I told him. We were married within 6 months.
I never expected sex to be a big part of our life and it was not what I was looking for in my marriage. But, I can say I found that spark over the years, and now after 17 years of marriage, I find my dh more attractive than ever. He still seems to like me, too. Best of all, we are still good friends and enjoy talking to one another.
I say give it some time. What’s the rush?
Happy3Mom
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rusty20
Guest
This, IMO, is very important and telling.
I had a similar experience with my last girlfriend. After not seeing her for a few weeks, I was not even excited to see her again. It’s like I didn’t even miss her or something. I knw at that moment that we weren’t going to last the long haul.
We were great friends, got along so well, but just never had a solid physical spark in the relationship. Maybe its just that I had a strong spark in past relationships, but it was a real downer.
To answer the OP’s question:
I think physical attraction is very important. If I am not attracted to the girl, then it will not work out. The sex test is a little helpful. If I could not picture having sex with her, then we’re probably not marriage material. However, I think the physical is more important for men than women, for obvious reasons.
It’s worth trying, as physical attraction can stem over time. But after a time, its pointless to continue, IMO.
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Tosk
Guest
To me looks are the spark that starts the fire. They are not as important as other qualities, and in a mature relationship they will play a minor role. But I don’t see how you start a romantic relationship with someone who you find about as attractive as a manatee. There has got to be something there.
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HeWillProvide
Guest
I heard Dr. Laura answer this question once - she said, Let him go - he deserves to be with a woman who is crazy, head over heels in love with him, physically, emotionally, spiritually, everything. He deserves to be with a woman who thinks he’s the handsomest hunk in the world.
How would your friend feel if the guy didn’t find her that attractive but liked everything else about her?
How would your friend feel if the guy didn’t find her that attractive but liked everything else about her?
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Magickman
Guest
I think you would have to ask yourself,
“Would I want to go to bed with this person every night for the rest of my life.”
“Would I want to go to bed with this person every night for the rest of my life.”
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tampagrl
Guest
One of my best friends used to date men that looked like they just stepped off the cover of GQ magazine. For her those relationships never went anywhere. The men were always so vain. I used to tease her by telling her that her man shouldn’t be prettier than she was! LOL
I’ll never forget the day we went to meet her and her new boyfriend for lunch. The minute I laid eyes on him, I couldn’t believe she was interested in him. He had an average - slightly overweight body type, but he was fairly tall, so he caried it well, and to top it all off, he had tons of body hair. Seriously Italian.
But after about 20 mins of conversation, I could absolutely tell they were perfect for each other, and I stopped noticing his appearence, which I suspect happened to her as well. He was really funny, sweet-natured, great conversationalist, and best of all, a solid Catholic, AND he still fit her criteria of guys who like to “take care” of themselves…lol… he fully admitted to going with her to get his nails manicured (it’s a S. FL thing, what can I say).
The point:They’ve been happily married for 8 yrs now. They have yet to be able to have a baby, and he’s been so supportive to her. Despite what you may be tempted to think, he did not, nor does he now have a lot of $$. He makes an average income, but he takes very good care of her. .
I think your friend should definitely think about how important physical attraction is to her, but like some of the others have said, that outward attraction may fade. I don’t think it’s necessarily superficial to not date someone you don’t find attractive, but she shouldn’t rule out continuing the relationship just b/c she’s not initally physically attracted to him.
Clarification: I’m not suggesting that stunningly handsome men are all vain…just wanted to clarify that.
I’ll never forget the day we went to meet her and her new boyfriend for lunch. The minute I laid eyes on him, I couldn’t believe she was interested in him. He had an average - slightly overweight body type, but he was fairly tall, so he caried it well, and to top it all off, he had tons of body hair. Seriously Italian.
But after about 20 mins of conversation, I could absolutely tell they were perfect for each other, and I stopped noticing his appearence, which I suspect happened to her as well. He was really funny, sweet-natured, great conversationalist, and best of all, a solid Catholic, AND he still fit her criteria of guys who like to “take care” of themselves…lol… he fully admitted to going with her to get his nails manicured (it’s a S. FL thing, what can I say).
The point:They’ve been happily married for 8 yrs now. They have yet to be able to have a baby, and he’s been so supportive to her. Despite what you may be tempted to think, he did not, nor does he now have a lot of $$. He makes an average income, but he takes very good care of her. .
I think your friend should definitely think about how important physical attraction is to her, but like some of the others have said, that outward attraction may fade. I don’t think it’s necessarily superficial to not date someone you don’t find attractive, but she shouldn’t rule out continuing the relationship just b/c she’s not initally physically attracted to him.
Clarification: I’m not suggesting that stunningly handsome men are all vain…just wanted to clarify that.
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OLHope
Guest
This does not surprise me, it is usually the pretty people who I have seen falter in many marriages to the point of demise. One woman I know kept threatening her husband with such insecure statements, “Do you know how lucky you are to be with me,” or “Don’t think you aren’t replaceable,” sheesh, those are as good as the D word to me.
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OLHope
Guest
Sounds like we all could be a bit cynical, I always say never judge a book by its cover, the great thing about this was she gave him a chance and you as a friend did, too, in time. I think after you get over the I want the supermodel or Calvin Klein guy phase after college, you are supposed to really move on to what is really important if you can do that.I’ll never forget the day we went to meet her and her new boyfriend for lunch. The minute I laid eyes on him, I couldn’t believe she was interested in him. He had an average - slightly overweight body type, but he was fairly tall, so he caried it well, and to top it all off, he had tons of body hair. Seriously Italian.
But after about 20 mins of conversation, I could absolutely tell they were perfect for each other, and I stopped noticing his appearence, which I suspect happened to her as well. He was really funny, sweet-natured, great conversationalist, and best of all, a solid Catholic, AND he still fit her criteria of guys who like to “take care” of themselves…lol… he fully admitted to going with her to get his nails manicured (it’s a S. FL thing, what can I say).
The point:They’ve been happily married for 8 yrs now. They have yet to be able to have a baby, and he’s been so supportive to her. Despite what you may be tempted to think, he did not, nor does he now have a lot of $$. He makes an average income, but he takes very good care of her. .
Sometimes the average Joe is the most appealing for the long term.
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chevalier
Guest
Oh, it’s good that you aren’t! I certainly am not vain! Whatevergirl can testify to this!Clarification: I’m not suggesting that stunningly handsome men are all vain…just wanted to clarify that.
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whatevergirl
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wcknight
Guest
I would think physical attraction usually is very important at the very very beginning, but declines after you get to really know someone. In this case it is just the opposite. That’s rather strange.
Both sets of my grand parents lived in an arranged marriage for more than 50 years. They were together but I would say it really did not work. There did not seem to be a lot of love between them. My parents on the other hand loved each other tremendously. They were virtually inseparable (and their 10 kids was proof of that
. I’m sure my parents were much happier than any of my grand parents.
Personally I would not enter into a marriage unless there were some strong physical attraction, even if it is not there initially, it would have to become present at some point BEFORE making vows in a marriage.
Just because some folks seem compatibile does not make them a good match. At some point sparks should fly, and if it doesn’t happen after a year or two then it may not happen at all.
Given that someone mentioned that it didn’t happen for them for 9 years, I think that is the exception rather than the rule.
Life is too short to live with the wrong spouse, and since Catholics generally (at least they are supposed to) do not believe in divorce, we should pick our spouse carefully.
I’m enough of a romantic (although my wife would say otherwise) to want the sparks to fly from day one. WIth my DW (almost 35 years) it was love at first sight (almost, technically we met once months earlier and incidental contact drew a blank.)
Both sets of my grand parents lived in an arranged marriage for more than 50 years. They were together but I would say it really did not work. There did not seem to be a lot of love between them. My parents on the other hand loved each other tremendously. They were virtually inseparable (and their 10 kids was proof of that
. I’m sure my parents were much happier than any of my grand parents.Personally I would not enter into a marriage unless there were some strong physical attraction, even if it is not there initially, it would have to become present at some point BEFORE making vows in a marriage.
Just because some folks seem compatibile does not make them a good match. At some point sparks should fly, and if it doesn’t happen after a year or two then it may not happen at all.
Given that someone mentioned that it didn’t happen for them for 9 years, I think that is the exception rather than the rule.
Life is too short to live with the wrong spouse, and since Catholics generally (at least they are supposed to) do not believe in divorce, we should pick our spouse carefully.
I’m enough of a romantic (although my wife would say otherwise) to want the sparks to fly from day one. WIth my DW (almost 35 years) it was love at first sight (almost, technically we met once months earlier and incidental contact drew a blank.)
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chevalier
Guest
I join.
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LongingForLight
Guest
I have never thought my DH was good-looking. There were “sparks”, but they had more to do with how he looked at me than how he looked. It was close to love at first sight, nonetheless - something about his manner, the way he behaved around me, was just irresistable - probably that he was already in love with me!
We are a very touchy couple, but for us touching is a form of communication, not related to attractiveness of appearance, but more related to attractiveness of the whole person. Not surprisingly, I don’t think physical attraction is that important - overall attraction is more important, IMO, and is the thing that leads to that “chemistry” or “spark”.
We are a very touchy couple, but for us touching is a form of communication, not related to attractiveness of appearance, but more related to attractiveness of the whole person. Not surprisingly, I don’t think physical attraction is that important - overall attraction is more important, IMO, and is the thing that leads to that “chemistry” or “spark”.
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2HunnyBuns
Guest
I think being physically attracted to your spouse or future spouse is pretty important. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone that I wasn’t attracted to in the least. And I’m not saying it’s just his looks that I’m attracted to. It’s his personality and mind and just overall who he is that I’m attracted to.
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jman507
Guest
I would say if she feels she’s been too selective, maybe she should rethink if that is the right approach. If she feels she’s not been selective enough, maybe she should rethink if that is the right approach.
I’m guessing since everything else seems good and she feels she is “falling in love,” maybe she’s expecting too much on looks. I would say it can be common if one focuses too narrowly on a 10 in one aspect, without regard to other aspects, it can lead to problems later. It’s something to consider, it is something she will have to discern.
I’m guessing since everything else seems good and she feels she is “falling in love,” maybe she’s expecting too much on looks. I would say it can be common if one focuses too narrowly on a 10 in one aspect, without regard to other aspects, it can lead to problems later. It’s something to consider, it is something she will have to discern.
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Love_the_Lorax
Guest
Yep, it’s important. If that feeling really isn’t there, then they are cheating themselves out of the full joy of marriage as God intended it to be. In the Song of Solomon it is obvoius that the couple has a strong physical attraction/desire, and that is how marriages are intended to be for us.
Another poster mentioned that different people have different things that bother them. How true!!! It is hard enough if those things happen after you are married, but to willingly marry with feeling of “non-excitement” present just doesn’t make sense.
My hubby has changed in such a way that bothers me to my very core. I won’t start a flaming session to hear how shallow I am, but this change has greatly impacted my physical attraction to him, as well as respect, his relationship with the kids, etc. To say that the physical attraction isn’t that important just floors me, because losing it is so hard.
Another poster mentioned that different people have different things that bother them. How true!!! It is hard enough if those things happen after you are married, but to willingly marry with feeling of “non-excitement” present just doesn’t make sense.
My hubby has changed in such a way that bothers me to my very core. I won’t start a flaming session to hear how shallow I am, but this change has greatly impacted my physical attraction to him, as well as respect, his relationship with the kids, etc. To say that the physical attraction isn’t that important just floors me, because losing it is so hard.
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whatevergirl
Guest
I’m sorry to hear that, lorax…does your husband know your thoughts?
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Love_the_Lorax
Guest
Hmmmm, yes and no. Since saying anything again would definitely consitute nagging, I have stopped bringing it up long ago. I figure I married for better or worse, so I do my best to still be involved, open, etc. Honestly, I don’t think he realizes maybe quite how much I am bothered, but this change has to come from him. Me starting in on the issue more, let’s just say I know it would result in him digging in his heels muttering “No one can MAKE me do anything I don’t want to!” and me sounding like a harping nag.I’m sorry to hear that, lorax…does your husband know your thoughts?
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Hi whatevergirl, I have a friend in a similar situation…She’s got her bffl whom she can’t live without…She’s known him for 8+ years now and they talk for hours, literally…And then she complains about her cell phone bill?! lol Anyhow, they have dated of and on, and have even tried living together, they lasted 6 months and then she was done with him…(living together) She told me that she was not attracted physically and even though they were able to sleep in seperate rooms and not do anything physical that she wanted something physical one night and couldn’t do it… I didn’t know what to say so I just listened to her…
They are still friends but nothing physcial but she can’t live without him…They can talk about everything but he won’t accept her as a friend only… He is physically attracted to her but she’s not to him…She seems shy, extremely shy but she really isn’t and that’s what he loves about her, well one of the reasons, lol…She’s beautiful has gorgeous hazel eyes, lovely silky brown hair and a good shape… She’s not skinny which is good, who doesn’t like meat?
jkjkjk lol… But she’s not attracted to him…She gives him the wrong signs because duh she loves him as a friend, but she can’t live without him…They haven’t seen each other in 4 months, he’s been travelling she with her job, child, friends and now a new guy…She’s been seeing this guy lately, just for a few weeks, but she’s totally digging him…she’s attracted to him and they have a lot of fun…She told me he is a huge clown, but that she misses her bffl, she can’t talk to this new guy the way she talks to her bffl…
I told her that she needed to make up her mind…Either she sacrificed all her hobbies and her dreams and attraction and be with her bffl (I mean sacrifice because he doesn’t like half of the things she likes, including having a beer or two during a barbq) OR she gives this new guy her time and attention and see how it grows from there…
BUT I told her she needed to stop playing games…Because that’s what it seems like she’s doing…She tells me she’s confused…That she couldn’t see herself married to her bffl because she can’t give up her family and friends for him, but that she can’t live knowing that they can’t hang out together…Or talk for that matter…And then she’s stuck with the guy she’s attracted to, she enjoys being with him, but that she just isn’t comfortable enough to start over and make friends with someone else like that…
I think your friend’s at least have a chance… Attraction comes from one moment of passion…It can come from him doing something for her, or taking care of her, etc… Maybe she just needs to give him the chance and things can actually spark up…Who knows…Maybe she really doesn’t need the spark??? I am sure if they gave it a try things would build up better…
Like I tell my friend you won’t know unless you try…
God bless and good luck!
They are still friends but nothing physcial but she can’t live without him…They can talk about everything but he won’t accept her as a friend only… He is physically attracted to her but she’s not to him…She seems shy, extremely shy but she really isn’t and that’s what he loves about her, well one of the reasons, lol…She’s beautiful has gorgeous hazel eyes, lovely silky brown hair and a good shape… She’s not skinny which is good, who doesn’t like meat?
jkjkjk lol… But she’s not attracted to him…She gives him the wrong signs because duh she loves him as a friend, but she can’t live without him…They haven’t seen each other in 4 months, he’s been travelling she with her job, child, friends and now a new guy…She’s been seeing this guy lately, just for a few weeks, but she’s totally digging him…she’s attracted to him and they have a lot of fun…She told me he is a huge clown, but that she misses her bffl, she can’t talk to this new guy the way she talks to her bffl…I told her that she needed to make up her mind…Either she sacrificed all her hobbies and her dreams and attraction and be with her bffl (I mean sacrifice because he doesn’t like half of the things she likes, including having a beer or two during a barbq) OR she gives this new guy her time and attention and see how it grows from there…
BUT I told her she needed to stop playing games…Because that’s what it seems like she’s doing…She tells me she’s confused…That she couldn’t see herself married to her bffl because she can’t give up her family and friends for him, but that she can’t live knowing that they can’t hang out together…Or talk for that matter…And then she’s stuck with the guy she’s attracted to, she enjoys being with him, but that she just isn’t comfortable enough to start over and make friends with someone else like that…
I think your friend’s at least have a chance… Attraction comes from one moment of passion…It can come from him doing something for her, or taking care of her, etc… Maybe she just needs to give him the chance and things can actually spark up…Who knows…Maybe she really doesn’t need the spark??? I am sure if they gave it a try things would build up better…
Like I tell my friend you won’t know unless you try…
God bless and good luck!
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