How is it possible to date chastely?

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I’m a young adult - for years now I’ve been an incredibly faithful Catholic. I’ve followed every single teaching and have found joy in doing so. It was all “black-and-white” to me. Pretty easy. But I was single during all that time. It’s funny, one day my mother said to me (in the context of discussing relationships) that self-control would be difficult, or I’d change my views, once I found the right man and fell in love. I completely scoffed at her…but boy was she right. I’m at a point right now where I’m incredibly frustrated. I honestly don’t see how a couple can be perfectly chaste. Maybe if you date long-distance and rarely see each other…or maybe if you only see each other during the afternoon, sit on opposite ends of the room, and have a parent present.

Yeah I know that sounds ridiculous but honestly I’m at the end of my rope here. I don’t want to behave inappropriately and I don’t want to anger God but there is temptation/arousal everywhere when you’re physically and emotionally attracted to your s/o. We might be cuddling while watching a movie or heck tickling each other (lights on, just sitting there on the couch), or kissing each other hello, and before you know it we’ve crossed the line. By “cross the line” I mean making out/touching. I’m starting to wonder about all the other young Christian couples I know, if they too succumb to temptation or are somehow able to date with hands-off. I’m just exhausted trying to figure out if I’m damned to Hell or not. The thought of losing my boyfriend because we can’t control ourselves absolutely terrifies me because he truly feels like “the one”. I would be completely, utterly devastated. I don’t want to introduce arguments into our relationship. If things don’t work out with him then I’m going to quit dating altogether (I’m insanely serious about this) because I just don’t see how it’s possible to remain 100% chaste. Is God sympathetic at all to this? Or am I given a black check of mortal sin over my soul. I’m not angry, please don’t take this post as such…just tired, exhausted, and confused. Hopeless even. I haven’t gone to Confession in a few months because I’d feel like a fraud. Why confess if at the back of my mind I know via simple biology I’ll be overcome at some point again. Then there’s the fears that if I institute crazy dating rules (no kissing, no cuddling, no lights off, no this, no that) the relationship is just over. But there are so many signs and indications that God brought this man to me. I’m in serious emotional turmoil right now.
 
Honestly I’m not sure what I can tell you.

I’ve been in serious relationships and for whatever reason I didn’t find it hard to say NO. The guys I’ve been with found it frustrating but they were respectful when I put down firm rules (no touching here, no kissing there, no extended kissing… etc.) Usually once I explained that it was not them I distrusted but myself they were usually pretty understanding and willing to keep their hands to themselves.

I don’t find it hard to deny myself or to resist temptation when it comes to this area so I’m not sure what advice to give beyond you need to talk to your boyfriend and set down firm ground rules to help avoid temptation… sometimes the best way to avoid is to remove… Just sayin…
 
Prayer…virtue…Sacraments…

http://www.ewtn.com/expert/answers/dating.htm from a writer at EWTN …it will be of great help!

(One note though on this reading…I would note that when they say “as soon as he begins to enjoy…” under “pure intent”… it would mean before knowing consent…)
 
I would suggest setting firm ground rules that go way beyond the line of sinfulness. Cuddling, tickling, a quick chaste kiss, these things are fine in themselves I dare say but can be occasions of sin, and clearly are for you two. Avoid them except in circumstances that won’t lead to sin, like (perhaps; use your judgement) a quick kiss hello or goodbye, not prolonged.

Also, I’d recommend spending more time with others and less time alone, to avoid doing things you wouldn’t want others to see. Go to dinner at restaurants, go on outings together with friends, watch movies together in theaters rather than by yourselves on a couch. Not that there shouldn’t be any alone time at all- you’ll want to have private conversations for example - but cutting down on it may help.

Finally, I’ve become convinced that we are not made for prolonged romantic relationships outside of marriage. There may be exceptions, but as a rule I think the dating and engagement periods should be relatively short for adults. We have a natural desire for things to progress both physically and emotionally, because a romantic relationship ought to graduate to marriage soon after the initial courtship phase when you are getting to know each other. This is why chastity can sometimes seem stifling to the relationship. But if things are rapidly progressing towards marriage chastity between you just means waiting until the time is right and you have bound yourselves to each other.
 
Go to confession. You are not a fraud! Even if you confess the same sins every week, the graces (not to mention accountibility) you receive in the Sacrament can work wonders.
Please don’t despair.

I cannot advise you in this exact situation with this boyfriend but I want you to know that a chaste relationship is possible even if you’ve sinned in the past.

A relationship ended for me when I insisted on living chastely and I struggled with similar feelings (like would it ever be possible to date again). I did not swear off dating but I remained single for nearly a year, praying each time a man showed interest. I declined all invitations until I became friends with a man who is serious about his faith. We ended up spending a lot of time together as friends, courted for a short while and now will be married next month. We were initially pretty scrupulous but we do kiss now and are excited about waiting until marriage and are eagerly, purely anticipating that!

We’ve both received much spiritual direction from our regular confessor and have prayed together since day one. I don’t know if things will work with you and your current boyfriend but remember marriage is a vocation and the person you get into a relationship with should bring you closer to God.

Praying for you!
 
No way I’m qualified to give dating advice, but I WILL advise that you not avoid Confession for any reason. Confession is your friend…
 
I may not be able to give you an answer, but I know someone who can.

If you go to the Ask an Apologist thread, or call 619-387-7200 and ask for Leah Darrow on either one, I know she can help you. She is a Chastity speaker at Catholic answers, but she didn’t always see the point of chastity either. She knows what you’re going through, and I guarantee she can give you the answers you need.

You are not alone in this, just don’t give up! God loves us and knows what’s best for us, ask Him for the strength to love the way He meant for us to. It’s impossible to live chastely on our own (believe me I know!!) 😃 But He won’t abandon us.

Anyway, hope this helped a little. Make sure you contact Leah Darrow, just tell her everything you just told us and I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

God bless!
 
My girlfriend and I struggle with this as well.

Well, the first step is to get your s/o on board. My girlfriend HATED being told that we couldn’t keep making out. But eventually after explaining that it wasn’t because I wasn’t attracted to her, but precisely because I was too attracted to her (and lots of prayer) she came around to accept it. She still doesn’t like it (I don’t either for that matter! ;)) but she knows that it’s best for our souls and our relationship.

As for practical advice, try to avoid being in situations where usually you ‘cross the line’. Try planning activities to do, and conduct your downtime in a safe way - parents nearby, being careful about how you cuddle and your positioning, etc.

And prayer! 🙂
 
A man who really loves and respects you will not leave you because you will not go all the way. And if you love and repect him then you are not going to go there either since you are aware that this is a mortal sin. You need to sit down and discuss and set limits so that you both know what is expected so that you don’t go to far. If he is “the one” God wants you to be with forever, I can assure you God wants you to wait until you are in a sacramental marriage before you go any further. And if he is not “the one” then you need to be saving yourself for him.
I agree with those who say you need to stay clear of situations where this would be possible(near occassions of sin), date in groups(other couples), go places in public, say a rosary together before your date. I am also in agreement with shorter dating/engagement timelines. I’ve read about 2 years…and then get married. You didn’t say how long you have been dating, it may be time to move towards marriage.
Go to confession, the graces you recieve from the sacrament are needed. There is nothing to be afraid of. I know it will help keep you strong in your faith and convictions.

Praying for you.
 
The problem may be that you see it as dating, not courting. “Dating” is not appropriate if you are not in a position to get married. It is a near occasion of sin and unnecessary. If you are ready to get married then it is a necessary occasion of sin.

A lot of older examinations of conscience list keeping company with the opposite sex as a sin, (they mean private company) and one I just read in the adoration chapel last week indicates that dating when you aren’t in a position to marry could be a mortal sin.

I hope this provides food for thought. This is a tough subject and one everyone struggles with.
 
CathKidd said:
I’m a young adult - for years now I’ve been an incredibly faithful Catholic. I’ve followed every single teaching and have found joy in doing so. It was all “black-and-white” to me. Pretty easy. But I was single during all that time. It’s funny, one day my mother said to me (in the context of discussing relationships) that self-control would be difficult, or I’d change my views, once I found the right man and fell in love. I completely scoffed at her…but boy was she right. I’m at a point right now where I’m incredibly frustrated. I honestly don’t see how a couple can be perfectly chaste. Maybe if you date long-distance and rarely see each other…or maybe if you only see each other during the afternoon, sit on opposite ends of the room, and have a parent present.

Yeah I know that sounds ridiculous but honestly I’m at the end of my rope here. I don’t want to behave inappropriately and I don’t want to anger God but there is temptation/arousal everywhere when you’re physically and emotionally attracted to your s/o. We might be cuddling while watching a movie or heck tickling each other (lights on, just sitting there on the couch), or kissing each other hello, and before you know it we’ve crossed the line. By “cross the line” I mean making out/touching. I’m starting to wonder about all the other young Christian couples I know, if they too succumb to temptation or are somehow able to date with hands-off. I’m just exhausted trying to figure out if I’m damned to Hell or not. The thought of losing my boyfriend because we can’t control ourselves absolutely terrifies me because he truly feels like “the one”. I would be completely, utterly devastated. I don’t want to introduce arguments into our relationship. If things don’t work out with him then I’m going to quit dating altogether (I’m insanely serious about this) because I just don’t see how it’s possible to remain 100% chaste. Is God sympathetic at all to this? Or am I given a black check of mortal sin over my soul. I’m not angry, please don’t take this post as such…just tired, exhausted, and confused. Hopeless even. I haven’t gone to Confession in a few months because I’d feel like a fraud. Why confess if at the back of my mind I know via simple biology I’ll be overcome at some point again. Then there’s the fears that if I institute crazy dating rules (no kissing, no cuddling, no lights off, no this, no that) the relationship is just over. But there are so many signs and indications that God brought this man to me. I’m in serious emotional turmoil right now.
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How do you date chastely? Try dating one of my children and I’ll show you how:D

Seriously: if you weren’t attracted, you wouldn’t be attracted!

Go to confession, even if you feel like a fraud.

You are going to have to have a serious conversation about this issue soon. Is your S/O Catholic?

And BTW marriage is the answer ultimately.

good luck.👍
 
Get married! 🙂 No no, don’t rush that, but just like the others said, don’t hang out alone. Find another couple and do things together - you can all help keep each other chaste!
 
I think there are some really good suggestions here. I would also suggest reading Blessed John Paul II’s book “Love and Responsibilty”. It has some really amazing insights and really is a must-read.
 
Hmmm
I’ve been wondering something similar!
How do you know who you are going to get married with if you don’t date?
 
Maria1993 said:
Hmmm
I’ve been wondering something similar!
How do you know who you are going to get married with if you don’t date?
Click to expand...
You court. And you approach it as marriage discernment. You only court people with the same beliefs and values. You, as others have said, only do this when you are in a position to marry. You pray.

Dating is a modern invention. The idea of “recreational dating” leads to an attitude that is more acceptant of the “recreational sex” that has been in the media recently.
 
ExGratia said:
You court. And you approach it as marriage discernment. You only court people with the same beliefs and values. You, as others have said, only do this when you are in a position to marry. You pray.

Dating is a modern invention. The idea of “recreational dating” leads to an attitude that is more acceptant of the “recreational sex” that has been in the media recently.
Click to expand...
To my knowledge the essential difference between courtship and dating is that courtship traditionally happens in the woman (girl’s) home with her parents there, while dating involves going “out” for dates. It’s a relevant distinction for high school kids (though I’m not sure they ought to be doing either in this day and age), but for adults both living apart from their parents it becomes a word game, it seems to me.
 
Maria1993 said:
Hmmm
I’ve been wondering something similar!
How do you know who you are going to get married with if you don’t date?
Click to expand...
The people who support courting or courtly dating would allow dates in a group or with the family. You can get to know someone without being in their company one on one. The model of dating that our society has come to know has led many young people astray, putting them in the company of someone they are attracted to and cannot easily resist being tempted by. Better not to put yourself into temptation, if you want to remain chaste. Even kissing can inflame the passions.
 
Thank you everyone and God bless you for your answers. Today has been an emotional roller coaster. My boyfriend is supportive, although we need to have a more thorough conversation. I need to explain things better. I’ll be going to Confession on Saturday, I already feel such a relief. I feel like I’m back where I need to be.
 
CathKidd said:
Thank you everyone and God bless you for your answers. Today has been an emotional roller coaster. My boyfriend is supportive, although we need to have a more thorough conversation. I need to explain things better. I’ll be going to Confession on Saturday, I already feel such a relief. I feel like I’m back where I need to be.
Click to expand...
👍
 
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