How is it possible to date chastely?

[SusanneT]

Honestly I’m not sure what I can tell you.

I’ve been in serious relationships and for whatever reason I didn’t find it hard to say NO. The guys I’ve been with found it frustrating but they were respectful when I put down firm rules (no touching here, no kissing there, no extended kissing… etc.) Usually once I explained that it was not them I distrusted but myself they were usually pretty understanding and willing to keep their hands to themselves.

I don’t find it hard to deny myself or to resist temptation when it comes to this area so I’m not sure what advice to give beyond you need to talk to your boyfriend and set down firm ground rules to help avoid temptation… sometimes the best way to avoid is to remove… Just sayin…

I completely agree - we set down very strict rules like that at the insistence of my (now) now husband. I know he found it frustrating at the time but was very glad of it when we married.

 

[Robyn_p]

Thank you everyone and God bless you for your answers. Today has been an emotional roller coaster. My boyfriend is supportive, although we need to have a more thorough conversation. I need to explain things better. I’ll be going to Confession on Saturday, I already feel such a relief. I feel like I’m back where I need to be.

Praise God! Keep it up! Confession is awesome:thumbsup:

 

[Jen1986]

There is a good book called Good News about sex and marriage by Christopher West you and your boyfriend should read this together. My fiance and I read it together and it really helped us to put things into perspective and it is easy to read as well.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

Simple. Don’t date. Go out on group outings with friends (Bowling is a great thing to do. I have never heard anyone get pregnant when bowling), and take your S/O to family functions once you get to know each other better. Don’t spend time alone together in secluded places. If you want to spend some alone time without friends, go out in public places where there are other people and it’s not socially acceptable to engage in PDA. If you must ride in the same vehicle, perhaps a large guard dog in the back seat, or perhaps your father with a shotgun might be beneficial.

Don’t date guys who don’t have the same standards as you. The wisest thing I ever heard a priest say regarding dating was, “Look for the guy who is going to Confession. That’s a sign he’s serious about growing in virtue and he’ll be easier to live with for the rest of your life. If you go for the good looking one with no virtue, you’re going to pay for it the rest of your life.”

 

[PumpkinSeed]

Try keeping your thoughts pure and your privates in your pants. Plus remember that you don’t have to wait years upon years for marriage. If you are truly in love with that person and are ready for marriage, perhaps its time to tie the knot. But NEVER do so just to have sex. I’m sure you already know that though.

 

[friendlymomma]

I am not Catholic (yet), but have been a Christian all my life. I went more the “courtship” route than the dating one, but I may be able to offer advice since my (now) husband and I spent a lot of time together before we were married, and, at least as far as I understand it, remained chaste. There was never any appropriate touching in our relationship. There were times when we let ourselves get too passionate, I think, but we quickly learned what was “too much” for each of us. And each time we we did get too passionate, we still had definite boundaries, such as NEVER any touching here or there.
Rules may be helpful, but what is much more helpful is knowing what is in your heart. You have to really think about the intention of your heart before you get yourself in a “passionate situation.” If you have in the back of your mind that you *really want *to this or that, or you are leaving a tiny bit of room in your mind that just maybe you will give in to temptation, then you should not be alone with your loved one. Examine your heart before, during, and after cuddling, kissing, tickling, etc.
Think about past times when you have gone too far. What has “turned you on” in the past? As soon as you feel you are getting too passionate, you need to stop no matter what you are doing. And always examine your heart. If your boyfriend does not do the same, I do not see how it would be possible to remain chaste.
I pray God gives you the grace to resist temptation.

 

[friendlymomma]

Oops. I meant there was never any inappropriate touching.

 

[EvelynEVF]

Does your significant other come to all the things you do as a practicing Catholic? If you go to daily Mass, s/he should to. Etc, etc. It is really important that your dating/courting relationship is thoroughly tangled up with who you are as Catholics and brings you both closer to God. I’m thinking that unchastity is a lot less likely to pop up if you were just as Mass together this morning, yk? Or praying at 40 Days for Life.

 

[1ke]

or maybe if you only see each other during the afternoon, sit on opposite ends of the room, and have a parent present.

Yeah I know that sounds ridiculous

Why do you categorize this as “ridiculous”. Yes, these are absolutely they types of things you should be doing for accountability and chastity.

 

[jesusmylover]

Hey,

You preoccupation about the chastity in your relation is totally rightful. Don’t be sick because you can not touch your partner… You live in LOVE; it’s the most important. If your partner is really in LOVE with you, he can understand and be patient in attending the marriage; except if you relation is not serious.

Don’t think about others couples, you couple, your experience is unique and you just have to present a all that to GOD.

GOD is LOVE, and when i sees young people who try to live in his way, in LOVE, he helps them, and he give them possibilities and capacities to leave together a real christian life.

I don’t see why you can not hug, touch your partner, and be affective naturally when your watching a moving for example… For me it’s normal, it’s not a sin. But before to have more relation, i mean sex, you know what the Church says about it.

God bless you.

 

[Alterum]

Hi, I’ll tell you what has always worked for me. However, nothing will work if you are not sincere in your desire. Four simple points, but the one I want to stress most is:

1. No kissing except on the cheek. This should be an unbreakable rule. Many, perhaps, will say that this is going too far, but if you need to kiss to express your affection, something is wrong. I don’t know of a couple who has followed this rule and fallen into sexual sin; whereas almost every couple I know which has broken this rule is still struggling with unchastity. Kissing is an erogenous activity – it causes sexual arousal – and should be reserved for marriage.
2. Pray daily for chastity and a pure heart. A good Catholic cannot live in tension between loving God and lusting after others. God’s love will conquer, but you must pray daily for the grace never again to commit a sin against chastity. Especially pray to our Blessed Mother.
3. Make your boyfriend do the same.
4. Avoid any occasions which lead to sin, like being alone for an extended period of time.

 

[hwriggles4]

Also, I’d recommend spending more time with others and less time alone, to avoid doing things you wouldn’t want others to see. Go to dinner at restaurants, go on outings together with friends, watch movies together in theaters rather than by yourselves on a couch. Not that there shouldn’t be any alone time at all- you’ll want to have private conversations for example - but cutting down on it may help.

Here are a few suggestions, particularly for those who are no longer living with their parents:

1. I do recommend to set boundaries when you visit a girlfriend/boyfriend place of residence, particularly if they live alone. It is nice to have some 1-on-1 time. I have had a girlfriend who owned her own home and you do need to remember that you need to go home at night to sleep, even if it is an hour drive. I have friends who are now happily married and yes, it is important that you do vacate the premises, even if it is 11:00 p.m. My friends tell me that this practice helped preserve their future marriage, and many have been fruitful and loving.
2. When you travel together, it may be best to stay in different hotel rooms. Personally, I have shared hotel rooms with one particular girlfriend, and we did respect each other’s boundaries, saved some money, and lived as brother and sister. However, there are still some temptations (as a man, I was attracted to my girlfriend), and you do make an outward appearance to the hotel clerks and guests that playing house is okay.
3. If you are in college or professional school, you may want to spend some time alone in your rooms, but again, set boundaries. Several schools have residence halls that are private rooms, and for something like law school (or a PhD student), this way you can stay up all night reading without bothering a roommate. You may want to get together at the library for study, rather than a private residence hall.
4. If you are a single parent, you want to show your son or daughter a good example of proper dating/courtship. Keep these boundaries in mind. Don’t go away together alone for weekends without making proper arrangements, no sleepovers at each other’s homes, dress appropriately, and show proper social graces and social skills that your son or daughter would find impressive.

I hope this was helpful. Fr. Morrow’s book on Christian Courtship also gives some good advice on setting boundaries as well.