How long did it take you to get used to your current parish?

[pianistclare]

It is funny how we get into a pattern of sitting in the same place but in a way that’s good as if you are looking for someone, you know where to find them! When our church was built it was completely different than the old (rented) space so I tried a few places. The sound system was just flat awful and the acoustics were worse so I started sitting near the front directly below one of the speakers. Otherwise I couldn’t hear or understand the words. We’ve improved the sound system and I don’t have to sit there anymore but again it gets to be a habit. One time our priest challenged us for the next few weeks to sit somewhere else. It’s funny how uncomfortable we felt! But I wouldn’t be annoyed if someone sat in “my” space

Along those lines…we had a pastor that disliked that people would sit in the far back. Our sanctuary is fairly large, and we are a fairly small congregation. He literally roped off the last 8 pews to force people to sit closer, and together, really.
New pastor said he wasn’t going to regulate where people felt comfortable. Removed the ropes, and everybody fell back into their prior spots. Funny.
We find that the outgoing folks tend to congregate up front. and the shy and more reserved people tend to sit in the back and hope to either be left alone, or pray without being disturbed by the boisterous folks.
The hubs is a back pew shy guy, head bowed VERY low, seems like he wants to disappear. He’s always afraid he won’t find his way back after communion, and is mortified when he gets lost. I mean, it destroys his day. Me? My mind is like a sieve. I have to sit up front. I like to see their lips move during the readings. I like eye contact. I’m into it. So we struggle as a couple at Mass. If I don’t’ have a liturgical role, he’ll say “Oh Clare, can we PLEASE sit in the back???”.
For now, I’m playing at the Spanish Mass, so I’m at the piano, and hubs has latched on to a family that he follows back and forth to communion. Works for him. But it cracks Father up. Father has suggested that hubs join the choir.

 

[LisaA]

Along those lines…we had a pastor that disliked that people would sit in the far back. Our sanctuary is fairly large, and we are a fairly small congregation. He literally roped off the last 8 pews to force people to sit closer, and together, really.
New pastor said he wasn’t going to regulate where people felt comfortable. Removed the ropes, and everybody fell back into their prior spots. Funny.
We find that the outgoing folks tend to congregate up front. and the shy and more reserved people tend to sit in the back and hope to either be left alone, or pray without being disturbed by the boisterous folks.
The hubs is a back pew shy guy, head bowed VERY low, seems like he wants to disappear. He’s always afraid he won’t find his way back after communion, and is mortified when he gets lost. I mean, it destroys his day. Me? My mind is like a sieve. I have to sit up front. I like to see their lips move during the readings. I like eye contact. I’m into it. So we struggle as a couple at Mass. If I don’t’ have a liturgical role, he’ll say “Oh Clare, can we PLEASE sit in the back???”.
For now, I’m playing at the Spanish Mass, so I’m at the piano, and hubs has latched on to a family that he follows back and forth to communion. Works for him. But it cracks Father up. Father has suggested that hubs join the choir.

Aww that’s a delightful tale! Our building is built sort of like a stadium…round, slanted so “we can see each other.” Very modern. You either love or hate it. Because of the poor acoustics originally people sat up front! Now we have the same thing, people pack into rear pews and the front go empty…which is always awkward when latecomers arrive, they have to march right up front and sort of slink in hoping no one will see them. Fr didn’t like the round shape and said he felt like he should be standing on a LazySusan so he could see everyone and they could see something besides the side view.

As a musician I am sure you can relate to how much good acoustics and sound system add to the Mass. We had more snap crackle pop than Rice Krispies for some time. It’s much better now.

 

[pianistclare]

Aww that’s a delightful tale! Our building is built sort of like a stadium…round, slanted so “we can see each other.” Very modern. You either love or hate it. Because of the poor acoustics originally people sat up front! Now we have the same thing, people pack into rear pews and the front go empty…which is always awkward when latecomers arrive, they have to march right up front and sort of slink in hoping no one will see them. Fr didn’t like the round shape and said he felt like he should be standing on a LazySusan so he could see everyone and they could see something besides the side view.

As a musician I am sure you can relate to how much good acoustics and sound system add to the Mass. We had more snap crackle pop than Rice Krispies for some time. It’s much better now.

HA! Our sound system is very similar to a Dixie cup and a string.
Yeah.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I would encourage him to join you and your family some weekend. The only way to combat the feeling of not fitting in is to sit beside someone who likes you already.

He lives several states away, otherwise I’d invite him. If I were in his shoes I wouldn’t be so hung up on sticking with that parish. His kids are grown so he doesn’t need to go there on their account and I’m guessing one of the smaller parishes in his area would be happy to have him volunteer. I sometimes get the feeling that sticking with the two that make him miserable lets him justify the trips he makes to his old parish.

 

[pianistclare]

He lives several states away, otherwise I’d invite him. If I were in his shoes I wouldn’t be so hung up on sticking with that parish. His kids are grown so he doesn’t need to go there on their account and I’m guessing one of the smaller parishes in his area would be happy to have him volunteer. I sometimes get the feeling that sticking with the two that make him miserable lets him justify the trips he makes to his old parish.

Oh, I see. I thought it might be something that you could help him with.

 

[otjm]

HA! Our sound system is very similar to a Dixie cup and a string.
Yeah.

String is ubiquitous, but at least the cup should feel right at home…

 

[otjm]

Interesting topic. Having observed a multitude of parishes it seems, my observations are that there are some parishes, particularly older ones, in which there tends to be a small cadre of parishioners who are less than welcoming to “outsiders”. If you are stuck geographically in one of those, then picking another one might be the best alternative if you want to do more than just go to Mass and go home.

The parish I am in (which happens to be my geographical parish in a suburb of Portland, Oregon) is a very warm, inviting, and active parish. there are a multitude of activities (I kid you not, they amount to about one page of listing, double column) and we recruit more people’s participation every year.

Having taught RCIA for something like 15 years, our team always spent time in several sessions urging those who were joining the Church that being part of a parish was a bit more than just showing up for Mass. Some people simply are not joiners; they “don’t like” whatever - meeting new people, doing something they have not done before, whatever.

When I arrived at the parish door (after having attended one miles away), I found them to be very open and eager for assistance in projects and groups. That was 4 pastors ago, and nothing has changed other than that we do more now than we did then.

 

[Phemie]

Along those lines…we had a pastor that disliked that people would sit in the far back. Our sanctuary is fairly large, and we are a fairly small congregation. He literally roped off the last 8 pews to force people to sit closer, and together, really.
New pastor said he wasn’t going to regulate where people felt comfortable. Removed the ropes, and everybody fell back into their prior spots. Funny.

I’ve often wished that we could have only as many pews as we need for a specific Mass. I know that Jesus said “the first shall be last and the last shall be first” but I really don’t think he meant that everyone should fight for the back pew when there are only 25 people at Mass.

 

[JakeWI]

First Mass… I knew that was the Parish. I am a cradle Catholic, grew up going to Catholic school, attending Mass Sunday and during the school week. I am used to a certain way of doing things. We had a pretty traditional/conservative Polish priest at the school I went to, and weren’t a “hand holding” Parish either.

When we moved away from there with my parents, they did the heavy lifting in finding a Parish that was similar to what we had been used to. Ended up being out in the country, at a small country church. We attended there until that Priest left. They ended up at another Parish closer to their house that they attended before, but they had since gotten a more traditional Priest (I remember hearing his homily once about the music at mass… how we aren’t there to be entertained with “happy clappy” music… .made me chuckle). They are still there, and I drove 30 minutes to go there with them every week when I moved out.

Fast forward three years ago… living 2 hours from my parents, had to find a Parish on my own. The Archdiocese provided me with no help on what kinds of Masses would fit the more reverent feeling, outside of their website that lists Parishes. I researched their entire websites. My Uncle told me about the Parish I now attend, and how it is a nice Church. I went to one Mass… and instantly felt comfortable and very much familiar to what I have grown up with. Without going into detail, I feel like it was God that paved that path for me… too many coincidences and opportunities there that have grown my Faith…

 

[ProVobis]

I’ve often wished that we could have only as many pews as we need for a specific Mass. I know that Jesus said “the first shall be last and the last shall be first” but I really don’t think he meant that everyone should fight for the back pew when there are only 25 people at Mass.

Pull-out bleachers, even facing each other, maybe? Or set up chairs (grab one when you walk in)? I don’t think pews in church are mandatory. I’ve seen some parishes hold Masses in their gyms when the church was being remodeled or whatever.

 

[pianistclare]

Interesting topic. Having observed a multitude of parishes it seems, my observations are that there are some parishes, particularly older ones, in which there tends to be a small cadre of parishioners who are less than welcoming to “outsiders”. If you are stuck geographically in one of those, then picking another one might be the best alternative if you want to do more than just go to Mass and go home.

The parish I am in (which happens to be my geographical parish in a suburb of Portland, Oregon) is a very warm, inviting, and active parish. there are a multitude of activities (I kid you not, they amount to about one page of listing, double column) and we recruit more people’s participation every year.

Having taught RCIA for something like 15 years, our team always spent time in several sessions urging those who were joining the Church that being part of a parish was a bit more than just showing up for Mass. Some people simply are not joiners; they “don’t like” whatever - meeting new people, doing something they have not done before, whatever.

When I arrived at the parish door (after having attended one miles away), I found them to be very open and eager for assistance in projects and groups. That was 4 pastors ago, and nothing has changed other than that we do more now than we did then.

Sounds nice! Our RCIA team encourages the students to “interview” or sit in on one of the ministry gatherings. Then, report back to the class, what they learned, what the ministry entailed, who they met, etc. Sometimes they say it was great, but not their thing, and other times they report that they may have found their niche for volunteering in the months to come. At any rate, we’ve found that it goes better than having someone come in and speak ad nauseum about their group. We find that this helps with the post Easter Vigil attrition as well.
Which I never could understand,…but that’s another topic for another thread.

 

[LisaA]

Pull-out bleachers, even facing each other, maybe? Or set up chairs (grab one when you walk in)? I don’t think pews in church are mandatory. I’ve seen some parishes hold Masses in their gyms when the church was being remodeled or whatever.

Ours was in a gym for seven years! We called it our Church-nasium. Of course the kids loved to clump up and down on the bleachers…boom boom boom as they dragged mom to the restroom or to get a drink . Most people were on folding chairs and everything had to be set up and taken down every single Mass as it wasn’t the parish’s property but rented from a local school. It’s good to have padded seats, kneelers and not have the setup and takedown time although it was a bonding experience!

 

[LisaA]

Sounds nice! Our RCIA team encourages the students to “interview” or sit in on one of the ministry gatherings. Then, report back to the class, what they learned, what the ministry entailed, who they met, etc. Sometimes they say it was great, but not their thing, and other times they report that they may have found their niche for volunteering in the months to come. At any rate, we’ve found that it goes better than having someone come in and speak ad nauseum about their group. We find that this helps with the post Easter Vigil attrition as well.
Which I never could understand,…but that’s another topic for another thread.

GREAT IDEA! And to keep with the OP, this would be a great way for parishes to encourage new and even long time members to get involved. Of course every year we have the usual “Time Talent and Treasure” spiel and try to get volunteers but I think people are afraid to sign up for fear someone will drop the net and not release them if they do not want to continue with the ministry.

We have several RCIA sessions where various ministry leaders explain their little corner of the world and of course encourage the new Catholics to find where they fit in. But again, I think people can be nervous about volunteering…am I good enough for the choir…can I be a Lector or E.M…it’s a bit intimidating.

Thank you for the great suggestion!

 

[robwar]

I got the feeling that he’s not so interested in doing more at this parish. I recommended finding another smaller parish nearby, or at least not as far away as his old parish, and going there. I know he has more within a reasonable distance than just his home parish and the other one, but he didn’t seem too interested in shopping around. It tends to make him miserable but at least it gives us something to talk about during slow periods.

I think I would encourage him to stop going to the old parish and look at some others that are within reason. I also would point out that a number of saints went to places that they didn’t want to go to but were obedient to their religious order, bishop or God and through that obedience, God was able to use them. It really is unreasonable to take a day which is what 3 hours of driving is to go back. It doesn’t help him move on but keeps him tied up with the old parish. It isn’t healthy at all.

 

[ProVobis]

Ours was in a gym for seven years! We called it our Church-nasium. Of course the kids loved to clump up and down on the bleachers…boom boom boom as they dragged mom to the restroom or to get a drink . Most people were on folding chairs and everything had to be set up and taken down every single Mass as it wasn’t the parish’s property but rented from a local school. It’s good to have padded seats, kneelers and not have the setup and takedown time although it was a bonding experience!

Our bonding was in form of playing basketball before setting up chairs for Mass the next day in the local gym. That brought out quite a few, especially in the winter months.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I think I would encourage him to stop going to the old parish and look at some others that are within reason. I also would point out that a number of saints went to places that they didn’t want to go to but were obedient to their religious order, bishop or God and through that obedience, God was able to use them. It really is unreasonable to take a day which is what 3 hours of driving is to go back. It doesn’t help him move on but keeps him tied up with the old parish. It isn’t healthy at all.

I agree about it being unhealthy. I mention finding someplace else when he sounds open to it, mostly when he gets really frustrated about his current situation. I just don’t think he’s really open to the idea of changing yet.

Regarding the number of pews matching the number of people, I’ve been at Mass a few times where the priest asked people to come in closer or consolidate for various reasons. The most memorable was an early morning Sunday Mass several years ago in the middle of a blizzard. I’m not exaggerating, either. This was an actual blizzard, with an actual temperature of something like -12, 30-40 mph winds and over a foot of snow on the ground. I think there were no more than 20-30 people there (less than a weekday Mass), but everyone still sat in their regular seats, including the people who normally sat in the last few pews. Father walked out, saw how empty the place was and asked everyone to move in as close as possible. We were still pretty spread out so he asked us all to move to one side and pack together. We fit into the first three pews. He said, “Much better!” then ran in back, turned down the thermostat and turned off most of the lights and the speakers. Despite the weather, it was actually one of the most enjoyable Masses I’ve been to.

 

[Cat]

I find this thread upsetting.

If good, serious Catholics, which many of you are, have trouble “getting used to a parish”, then it’s no wonder that cafeteria Catholics and “family loyalty” Catholics and “looking for a spiritual experience” Catholics and all the rest of the casual Catholics have quit going to church.

Frankly, I find the phrase" getting used to your parish" disturbing. The Church should be a place of deep fellowship with both God and fellow Christians. Yes, it will take a while to find your ministry in any given parish, but it shouldn’t be something that is difficult.

Here on CAF, many Catholics seem to believe that “fellowship” isn’t necessary. The Mass is the Source and Summit of Christianity and that’s all we need.

Yes, of course, Jesus is All, and we need Him above all else.

But Jesus started a Church, not a “Mass Factory” in which the Quality Goal is to hold The Perfect Mass, and the goal of “employees” is to attend that Mass once a week, or daily if they can make it, and then forget about the parish the rest of the time.

Koinonia is real, not something that hippie Protestants came up with so that they could justify playing the guitar and singing African folk songs, or a phrase that Lutherans use to justify monthly hot dish suppers.

Christians shouldn’t have to fight their way through “church ladies” and “church politicians” into a role in their local Church. This is really sad and it’s wrong.

Don’t you see? If THIS is what “Mass” accomplishes in Christians, then it isn’t working!

And that’s why people don’t come to church. If it doesn’t work, why bother?!

We should be better than this.

We should be beacons of light in a very dark world. (That’s in the Bible, so I’m not just making up a nice slogan). We should love each other so much that we know when someone is leaving us and we cry together over it. ** See Acts 20:17-38–THIS is what our parishes should be like!**

I attended Evangelical Protestant churches that were like that passage in Acts. That’s why the last Evangelical Protestant church that we attended (for 7 years) was so awful–we were treated badly by people who didn’t know us, and we were kicked out. In our opinion, it was devilish and totally opposite of what Christian church should be.

Again, it’s no wonder that people are leaving the Catholic Church in droves. Try pretending to a be disgruntled Catholic or a curious Protestant, and reading through this thread. Why would ANYONE come to a Catholic Church, other than to make a quick stop once a week to receive Jesus in Holy Communion?!

And again, what good is it to receive Him in Holy Communion if we are not allowing Him to change our behavior and make us free of all the political wrangling and unfriendliness and stand-offishness that the world is all too familiar with?! Why are we any different from any other worldly organization? Jesus has the power to make us different than the world, so why are we acting just like them, other than our willingness to insist passionately that Gregorian chant is the best music for Mass?

I think the Pope is on the right track to try to fix this by encouraging the Church to love each other more. I wish him Godspeed.

Gordon Sims, I thank you for starting this thread. You have definitely made me think hard about my parish and the place that my husband and I have there. I honestly think that if one of us died, most people in the parish wouldn’t know who we were (including the pastors). The musicians would say, “Oh, she’s the one that plays the piano really good!” and then everyone would say, “Oh, I knew her! But I won’t come to the funeral because she won’t be playing the piano.” As for my husband, people would say, “Who?”

I think more people from our former Evangelical Protestant churches would come to our funeral than Catholics from our current parish. And what’s even more important, I think that more Evangelical Protestants would visit the remaining spouse and bring a casserole–and that’s not right. Koinonia–it needs to be in Catholic parishes.

To me, the question shouldn’t be, "How long did it take you to get used to your current parish, "but rather, “How can WE/I help bring about koinonia in our parishes?”

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Cat, although some of what you mentioned wasn’t what I had in mind with this, I agree with you completely. I’ll have to admit that some of the difficulty we faced with our parish was that we weren’t part of one of the fifth, sixth or seventh generation families. If we’d had the right last name, we’d have had it much easier from the start, especially with some of the previous priests. It would have made a lot of my early efforts to be involved that much easier. The difference between the response to the activities I ran as opposed to the ones run by the guy from the one old guard family was shocking. In one instance in particular, I received no help from the head of the committee and I couldn’t pay people to volunteer. The other guy had the entire committee volunteering to help him, while other longtime parishioners (far more than he needed) actually called him to lend their assistance. These same people are the ones who wouldn’t even talk to me when I called and asked for help. One person spent years pretending they didn’t know me, had never met me, or couldn’t remember my name every time I talked to them (which was at least once a week). There’s lots of stuff we used to participate in or volunteer for on a regular basis that we simply don’t do anymore because, after all these years, we don’t like the fact that we’re still several steps below the low man on the totem pole while the brand new to the parish granddaughter of the head of the parish committee of holding political sway gets cherry-picked for the best of everything right off the bat.

I don’t like this sort of behavior anywhere but it bothers me more when it happens in a Church setting. I know it’s pretty commonplace but that doesn’t make it right by a long stretch. Every time I encounter or hear about something like this happening, I think of those two little parishes we visited where they went out of their way to make us feel welcome. Don’t get me wrong; there are some wonderful people at our parish and some who really do reach out to others, but if more people could act like almost the entire parish seemed to at those two little churches, I think the pews would be a lot more crowded every Sunday and people would always feel comfortable no matter where they attended Mass.

 

[Kal2012]

I’m still looking for a parish, so I found this discussion interesting.

It is hard to build new communities and relationships, especially if you don’t intend on your current situation being permanent.

Also, there are regional/cultural differences that are experienced when you move from one area to another. So, I think there is room for “getting used to a new parish”.

For instance, I expected the area I moved to be more “big city”, but culturally, it acts like it’s out in the country somewhere. It drives me nuts because in all the other areas of town I’ve lived in, I haven’t had this big of a culture shock since moving to the “big city”. This suburb has a serious identity crisis going on.

So, even though the liturgy stays the same, the culture and expectations are just different.

When parishes try to be everything to all people, sometimes, the wrong people go to the wrong mass. A little advertising would go a long way. This has happened to me more than once in trying to attend mass at a new parish.

(i.e. the traditionalist ends up at the contemporary worship mass or vice versa).

Usually, the mass times are listed on a website, but not the style. If you know you don’t like one of the masses, then in your old parish, you’ve learned not to go at that time. However, at a new parish, there’s a whole new routine to learn.

Also, it just drives me nuts that the Saturday masses out here start at 4pm on Saturday instead of 5pm because all the parishes in my old area of town did 5pm mass. It really seems to chop up the afternoon a lot more than the 5pm mass did.

Again, it’s just a different way of doing things and you’ve got to get used to it.

I’m sure if you are used to going to a 4pm mass, then you might think that 5 or 5:30 is a bit late.

 

[ProVobis]

But Jesus started a Church, not a “Mass Factory” in which the Quality Goal is to hold The Perfect Mass, and the goal of “employees” is to attend that Mass once a week, or daily if they can make it, and then forget about the parish the rest of the time.

So would you say the Church needs to drop the obligation so people come to Mass for the “right” reasons?

It sure seems as it stands now, that most people just want to find the quickest and closest Mass to them, go to communion because that’s what they’re supposed to do, and leave as soon as it’s over with. But then I have a tendency to be cynical every now and then.