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sparkle
Guest
IMO, and have also heard it said on EWTN marriage/dating shows, that if a couple is not married within 2 years, they should end it. If it hasn’t happened by then, they’re barking up the wrong tree.
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Youngcatholic
Guest
This is not necessarily true. Like I said in my previous post, I waited 5 years before marrying, b/c the situation was not suitable for marriage after 2 years (we were both in school, no full-time job, etc). I agree that shorter courtships are probably more prudent, but it is nearly impossible to put a timeline on something like this.
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Prometheum_x
Guest
Actually, I think the papal encyclical Ipsum Gypsum Calypsum stated infallibly that the ideal time is roughly 1 year, 2 months, 9 days, and 6.4 hours after the first date.
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Flopfoot
Guest
LOL
That was certainly funny…
And, as you satirically point out, there is no Church teaching (as far as I know) about how long a couple should take to decide to marry.
But this thread is more about opinions. It shocks me out of my brain that some people think a couple of months is long enough to decide who you are going to be with for the rest of your life, and who it is you are going to raise children with.
Marriage is, in theory, a harder decision than priesthood, as with priesthood you only need to decide which vocation you’re going in to, while with marriage you need to not only decide which vocation, but also who you are going to marry.
So if priesthood takes 7 years to discern - doesn’t that say something about how long it should take to discern marriage?
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montanaman
Guest
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year and four months now. Today, while Christmas shopping, I went to Zales and checked out some rings. I actually found one I thought she’d like (based on conversations we’ve had) and got the saleswoman to come down–a LOT. I even got about three times the credit more than I’d need. I left the store after saying “I need to do just a little more thinking about it” with a skip in my step and ideas of babies in my head…
So what’s the problem? I don’t know. Just about the only thing I’m sure of is that I’m a coward.
What am I waiting for? She’s becoming Catholic, has a great faith already, is beautiful, smart, driven, kind, gentle and passionate.
I’m kind of a “dark” person. I get depressed, but not like the old days when I would descend into this deep, dark pit. Since those times I’ve learned not to give in to that, but still, sometimes I just want to be alone. It’s in those times that her bright, sunny attitude drives me up a freakin’ wall. Do I want someone like me? Heck no. That’s a recipe for disaster.
But when I’m normal, like right now, I want to get the ring and just do it. For a while, that seems right. But then I start thinking about my future, how I have huge doubts about myself, blah, blah, blah. I think I’d do alright by myself, and I’m very attracted to a single vocation (the priesthood doesn’t convict me). I’m all over the place and it’s driving me insane.
I do love this girl. I think it’s just that I’m a coward. I hope that’s what it is.
Oh, and to answer the question of this thread, I have no idea how long it’s supposed to take. It looks like the average is six months, but lol, I’m the last person to ask. I just needed a place to vent.
So what’s the problem? I don’t know. Just about the only thing I’m sure of is that I’m a coward.
What am I waiting for? She’s becoming Catholic, has a great faith already, is beautiful, smart, driven, kind, gentle and passionate.
I’m kind of a “dark” person. I get depressed, but not like the old days when I would descend into this deep, dark pit. Since those times I’ve learned not to give in to that, but still, sometimes I just want to be alone. It’s in those times that her bright, sunny attitude drives me up a freakin’ wall. Do I want someone like me? Heck no. That’s a recipe for disaster.
But when I’m normal, like right now, I want to get the ring and just do it. For a while, that seems right. But then I start thinking about my future, how I have huge doubts about myself, blah, blah, blah. I think I’d do alright by myself, and I’m very attracted to a single vocation (the priesthood doesn’t convict me). I’m all over the place and it’s driving me insane.
I do love this girl. I think it’s just that I’m a coward. I hope that’s what it is.
Oh, and to answer the question of this thread, I have no idea how long it’s supposed to take. It looks like the average is six months, but lol, I’m the last person to ask. I just needed a place to vent.
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pittsburghjeff
Guest
I’d say no longer than a year before getting engaged. If you are still unsure after a year, move on. Otherwide you may be passing a chance to meet someone else who will be a better match because you are stuck with your current boyfriend or girlfriend.
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SemperJase
Guest
It can take a couple of months, but normally should not take more than a year. The people who claimed it took five years to get married do seem to acknowledge that they knew well before that but delayed marriage for other reasons - not because they didn’t know their future spouse was the one.
I think you have it backwards. Marriage is the norm. Only a small minority are called to vocations.
Actually no. The reason it takes seven years to discern a vocation is because those people are sacrificing so much - lifelong companionship, children. Those are huge factors. There is no similar sacrifice in marriage.
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Prometheum_x
Guest
No similar sacrifice? Choosing lifelong companionship and children is a sacrifice as well.
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Agricola
Guest
True, but the very things that are a sacrifice to choose have earthly benefits (marital relations being one such benefit). You could say that the priests kind of have to wait a little longer to collect benefits.
I think the priest’s life is harder too. Think of the size of family that the priest is in charge of… and then the priest’s spouse is so beautiful and holy… the preparation for their union is necessarily longer and more arduous… how would a priest be ready for so great a calling otherwise.
The posts on this thread are very interesting for me, as my girlfriend and I are discerning how long a courtship to have. Its not an easy decision to make, especially when God’s will is your determinant.
God bless,
Agricola
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SemperJase
Guest
It seems the only thing a married person sacrifices is lifelong loneliness.
The sacrifices a married person makes are minor compared to the rewards. Can’t say the same for a priest.
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MParedon
Guest
Well, for my boyfriend and I, we talked about marriage the second week of our relationship. He is not going to ‘officially propose’ for at the very least, 6 months to even 2 years, but we both know****that we are going to marry each other. I think we both knew even as soon as the very first date but we didn’t want to freak each other out by talking about it too soon.
It may seem fast, but we were friends before dating and in my experiance of dating different people in the past: He is ‘THE ONE.’ I’ve never felt like this before…and I don’t mean the gushy, heady, romantic high most people get. I mean I absolutely trust in him.
I’ve always been a very commitment-shy person. I’m always very cautious and wary about a guy’s personality and situation and what it could mean down the road.
We’ve discussed how we met at the perfect time in our lives, because we were different types of people before…immature about things that would’ve hurt our relationship if we hadn’t have grown up.
I have to say though, that this wouldn’t be happening to me if I hadn’t have broken down and finally prayed to God for a future spouse. I always thought that was a little ‘too’ pious a thing to do, but it isn’t.
(the reason he is waiting to officially propose is two-fold. He needs to finish college and wants to be prepared enough to support me adequately. And for the benifit of my family who would totally lock me up if I became engaged after less than about 4 months.)
It may seem fast, but we were friends before dating and in my experiance of dating different people in the past: He is ‘THE ONE.’ I’ve never felt like this before…and I don’t mean the gushy, heady, romantic high most people get. I mean I absolutely trust in him.
I’ve always been a very commitment-shy person. I’m always very cautious and wary about a guy’s personality and situation and what it could mean down the road.
We’ve discussed how we met at the perfect time in our lives, because we were different types of people before…immature about things that would’ve hurt our relationship if we hadn’t have grown up.
I have to say though, that this wouldn’t be happening to me if I hadn’t have broken down and finally prayed to God for a future spouse. I always thought that was a little ‘too’ pious a thing to do, but it isn’t.
(the reason he is waiting to officially propose is two-fold. He needs to finish college and wants to be prepared enough to support me adequately. And for the benifit of my family who would totally lock me up if I became engaged after less than about 4 months.)
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turboEDvo
Guest
SemperJase said:
My parents dated for almost 8 years. The started when my mom was a sophomore in college and my dad was 1 year into law school. Then, he got a job at a firm in Los Angeles while my mom got into Georgetown Medical School. My dad even tried to move to DC but couldn’t find any good firms that were hiring, so he took his position back in Los Angeles and they waited until my mom was out of med school. Then, she moved back and they got married. Sometimes people know what they want but the circumstance do not present the opportunity for a certain period of time. Thus, while it may not be common to date for many years, sometimes that is what it takes.
Eamon
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Flopfoot
Guest
I’m not married but I would say that in marriage people make quite a significant sacrifice - they sacrifice their very selves. You know, it says “they are no longer two but one flesh”? Or how it says “Wives, submit to your husbands… husbands, love your wives…” etc. A single person is their own boss, they have a great amount of freedom, they have no dependants which they need to support financially or emotionally. Not only does a married person need to support spouse and children, but they don’t have the same freedom to make all their won decisions like they used to when they were single. Not 2 but one flesh, suggests to me that you are not the same person after you are married - almost like you lose the identity you had when you were single (I know in practice it’s not that severe, but you get what I’m saying?)
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cf1261
Guest
I wonder if you can help! I recently wrote to my sister and her boyfriend, who have been living together for over a year now, to seek a closer union with Christ and to pray that they change their heart and take marriage seriously. I also did this because her boyfriend, G, does not believe in marriage, so I was very concerned that my sister will staying living in sin, indefinitely.
Was I too judgemental, especially as my letter lacked a certain sense of being “streetwise” and possibly came across as too “evangelical”, even though that was not my intention?
Also, what does the saying mean “to hate the sin and love the sinner” and the other saying, i.e. that Christians “are meant to take on their shoulders the sins of the world”? Does it mean we be silent about the clarity of the Catholic teaching on family matters and suffer in moderate silence and just simply allow the status quo to exist? In other words, should I leave my sister be and not say any thing about her cohabitation?
I get so confused sometimes and my faith becomes unclear, when I am suppose to “get on” with my sister and at the same appearing to betray everything I belief in, about Christian marriage etc…
Thanks for your comments,
Francis
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Youngcatholic
Guest
This is very true. I knew that before I got married that I would either get married or go wherever I wanted in the U.S. and get a PhD. I chose marriage and I couldn’t be happier. Though, it is very true once you are married that it is not longer all about “you”. Now I cannot pursue the same career path I sometimes want because my husband works too and we can’t just pick up and move as easily. It is a huge life committment, and takes a certain amount of maturity to realize your life will be different and without the same freedoms. However, it is also the BEST thing in life to have a true companion!
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SemperJase
Guest
It may sound like a sacrifice (and there is an adjustment period to get used to this) but it really isn’t. That is why married people live longer than single people.
This is one of the reasons we know that single life is the real sacrfice. You not only sacrifice companionship, you sacrifice years of your life.
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spacecadet
Guest
deb1 said:I know that jaws are going to drop when I say this but…My hubby asked me to marry him four days after we met. We waited nearly two years to actually get married, and broke up and got back together several times before we finally married. We have been happily married for over 17 years. We were both 22 when we finally tied the knot. Of course, considering the odds on this working, I wouldn’t suggest any quick engagements myself.
As far as the original question…I think that it depends on the age of the individuals. People in their late teens and early twenties might only be looking to have fun with a date. There isn’t anything wrong with this.
Once a person, though, decides that they are looking toward matrimony, then I think a year or two is enough time to decide. I think this becomes more of an issue when people move into their thirties.
not so jaw dropping to me. i knew i was going to marry DH the night i met him and we were “officially” engaged in less than a month and married a year later.
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SemperJase
Guest
If your sister is not catholic it is unlikely she would be swayed by catholic teaching. You can appeal to other reasons though.
Like security. Does she realize that if her boyfriend dies, she has no rights to his property. For example if they own a house, she would suddenly be co-owners with his parents. His family could claim everything he owned.
You could also point out the not believing in marriage is code for “I don’t want to committ to you”. Does she want children? If so, shouldn’t a child be entitled to his/her parents being married and the stability that provides?
When he says he doesn’t believe in marriage, he is saying that she doesn’t deserve the benefits a marriage provides. He is keeping his option open to leave any time he wants with no security for her.
Surely they know at this point if they are compatible for marriage. If he isn’t sure, why? Why is he unwilling to give her the security and benefits a committed marriage provides? She should keep in mind there is no such thing as a committed relationship when either person is able to leave the relationship without obligation.
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cf1261
Guest
That’s just the point, my sister is a baptized Cathloic, though sadly is willing to give up her practice of the faith to a fellow “catholic” who happens to be “shy” of marriage.
I definitely feel I am being told to mind my own business about this whole matter; so it seems I may not even talk about stability, children, etc… and yet, I am suppose to meet her and her boyfriend socially, as if everything is fine and I have to keep my mouth firmly tight. This is my dilemma and it’s painful . . .
Francis
I definitely feel I am being told to mind my own business about this whole matter; so it seems I may not even talk about stability, children, etc… and yet, I am suppose to meet her and her boyfriend socially, as if everything is fine and I have to keep my mouth firmly tight. This is my dilemma and it’s painful . . .
Francis
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Prometheum_x
Guest
Let’s change that. The sacrifices a married person is required to make in order to become married are a lot less than the sacrifices required to become a priest.
However, that relationship is whatever one makes of it. Sure, one can view their wife as primarily domestic help with sexual benefits.
Or one can heed the words of St. Paul:
Perhaps if we pointed to the sacrificial model of marriage, Christians wouldn’t be suffering a similar rate of divorce as the general population.
Likewise, at various times in history, being a priest was not so much of a sacrifice. Sure, maybe you didn’t get to be married and have kids, but you got an education, social status and power, etc. Some people actually found that to be an appealing life. I am glad that now it has lost its worldly glamour such that all who come to it can clearly see its sacrificial nature.
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