How many children do you have?

[ChosenAndCalled]

My wife and I have 10 children; seven were “home-made” and the last 3 have been adopted. We’ve been getting comments since we had only three.

We often got the “you must be Catholic” thing and we were not at the time that we were having our natural kids. My wife later left the Reformed church and became a Catholic, but it did not change our opinion of birth control. We had always believed that any form of birth control, including what is referred to as NFP, was against God’s commands. We just took the kids as they came. That meant my wife had 9 C-sections - 8 children (one died at 5 months) and one surgery as a result of a ruptured uterus after a miscarriage.

Our adopted children came from foster care. Since we could no longer produce our own, we decided to start fostering neglected and abused children. We did not intend to adopt, we thought that we would take care of them until they were ready to reunite with their parents. Little did we know that if a child is removed before the age of 2 there is little chance (statistically) of the parent getting their act together and getting the child back.

I no longer even hear the comments. In fact when we hear of anyone having a baby I jokingly as my wife, “what, don’t they have a TV?” If you have a large family, I’m sure you’ve heard that one before.

 

[Rach620]

I’m another person who would have answered 0 if it were an option. For us, it’s not for lack of trying, but I know that if we were to get pregnant many of the reactions would be of the “wow, too soon!” variety.

I can understand how hard it is to get comments on family size from people who really have no right to weigh in, as we’ve received the same. So many people these days think that their opinions about others’ lives are of the utmost importance. The importance that THEY place on their own opinions makes us think that they really are important.

Really, though, what other people think about any of the decisions made by a husband and wife for the good of their family is totally irrelevant. Typically people assume so many things about how or why we’ve decided to live our lives a certain way, from how many kids we do or don’t have, to our chosen careers, the house we live in, the car we drive, the cell phone we use. Who are they to judge another person’s honest discernment of God’s will for their lives? Is the wisdom of the world really THAT great that we must be reminded of it at every turn?

As Gwen said, so often it seems that people who tend to comment the most on others’ lives do so out of frustration, dissatisfaction, or a lack of discernment when it comes to their own lives. It’s just secular society reminding us how absurd it can seem to follow God wherever He may lead us. Oh well.

 

[carollw]

We have 3 boys.
Only as we have become to embrace our faith do we sincerely wish we had more.
We converted about 11 years ago. Like many modern couples we used contraception, delayed having a family to pursue careers and hobbies, then decided to “finish” the picture. Regrettably I have had a partial hysterectomy for health reasons.

We tell every young couple to open themselves to God’s gift of life and have as many children as God blesses them with. We compliment pregnant women and families which are growing. I want them to feel supported!

For those who are struggling with infertility, the ache must be unbearable at times. Ask God what His will is and how can you carry this cross for His glory.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Here’s some data from the US Census published in June 2002.

For all women in the US between the ages of 40-44 (at the typical end of the childbearing years)

No children: 17.9%
One child: 17.4%
Two children: 35.4%
Three children: 18.9%
Four children: 6.8%
Five and Six children: 2.8%
Seven or more: 0.8%

The data is also distributed by race and being US or foreign born. Interestingly, the greatest variance between groups and number of children is the variance between US born citizens and foreign born citizens. 27.7% of Native born women have 3 or more children in comparison to 38.2% of foreign born women.

When it comes to race, women with the smallest families (least likely to have 3 or more children) are Black women. 38% have zero or 1 child. 31% have 2 children.

Women with the largest families are Hispanic. 25% of Hispanic women age 40-44 have 3 . 13.9% have four children. 5.5% have 5 or 6, and 2.3% have at least seven.

 

[sharmin]

Even that is a crazy thing to say, as only 47% of the U.S. population pays taxes…there are only a few of us paying for the necessitities of all (police, roads, education, etc.)

I’m not sure I understand the rolling of the eyes here. I’m also not sure what I said that was crazy. I’m guessing you misunderstood what I was saying. I said there are people who think it’s okay to have kids intending on taxpayers paying for their needs. And that’s true. People really think that way. Possibly you have never encountered them, but I sure have!!

I’m also not understanding the comment about the police, roads, etc., but last time I checked, everyone who pays sales tax, rent ($ goes toward property taxes), property taxes, gas taxes, among others are taxpayers paying for necessities. Could you elaborate on what you meant? I’m sorry. I am quite tired, so I might be a little slow on the uptake.

 

[Malena60]

We have recently found out that we are expecting our third baby. When we call our family to let them know some where very excited, but others where more apprehensive. It’s sad that we are all catholic and even my brother had an vasectomy after his second child.
I don’t know what to answer to those people that say that three is a lot. But I guess I’ll soon have to find an answer to those comments.

 

[Orleans_Attny]

This is very true, and something I have to keep telling myself.

When I refer to judgemet though, I am speaking more of the situations like this.

A bunch of church members and I sitting down to a church potluck dinner. They are all talking about their kids. I sit there silenty, nibbling on my bread and add what I can based on my experiences in my job. It’s typical at some point for someone to turn to me and say: “You know, catholics aren’t supposed to be contracepting. You really should fulfill the marital duty at some point.” or “career is good, but children are more important. You should realize this” or 'You’ve never had to work a day in your life until you’ve had kids"or just the “you know, contraception is a disgusting sin.”

and of course the ever helpful:

“If you don’t use those soon, they will dry up!”

Then there is the judgement in my job:

“How can you work with kids when you don’t have any yourself? You don’t know the first thing about children.”

“Until you are prepared to stop being selfish and have your own kids, you really don’t have any authority to work with them.”

I really could go on. The best part is church statistics. You aren’t counted in “family counts” if you don’t have kids. Technically, hubby and I don’t exist as a family in church stats. He technically gets counted on some level as part of his parent’s family, I don’t since I don’t come from catholic home. This typically doesn’t bother me, but at times I feel marginalized. It’s like…unless you come from a catholic family, or have kids imediately upon getting married, you don’t count. You don’t matter. You’re a waste of space. I can’t tell you the times I’ve cried mysef to sleep because of my empty arms. When I have someone telling me that I don’t realize what a blessing children are just because I don’t have any it tears me to shreds inside. I believe that i know more than many parents about the blessing children are because I have am deprived of that joy.

Hubby tries to reassure me that our day will come. He believes God will be faithful to us. I dearly hope he will. Until then, I have empty arms, a broken heart, and people who belittle my very existence as if I were stealing something from the world.

Maybe you should find another parish. I move around a lot (really, a lot!!) with my job. And I’ve been a member of a number of different parishes.

I’ve never, ever, ever been to one where even a plurality of people would act like that. I’ve never been a member of a parish where the other members would tacitly (or expressly) approve of another person talking like that. And I’ve never been a member of a parish where if someone didn’t think and said something like that (especially more than once) a friend wouldn’t pull them aside and ask, “What in the hell are you thinking???”

With regard to the statics thing, I think you are seeing semantics in action. Married people without kids are often (in my experience) referred to as “couples.”

Unmarried people, even if engaged or “with” someone are “singles.”

And married or single people with kids, natural or adopted, are “families.”

So if you get a flyer for a “family BBQ” “family beach-day” you can bet they are targeting people with kids.

Similarly, if you get a flyer for a “couples retreat” they don’t expect you to bring your kids along.

Don’t get hung up on the colloquial use of terms, usually that use isn’t meant as a slight - it’s meant as a convenience.

Pax,
OA

 

[Orleans_Attny]

We have recently found out that we are expecting our third baby. When we call our family to let them know some where very excited, but others where more apprehensive. It’s sad that we are all catholic and even my brother had an vasectomy after his second child.
I don’t know what to answer to those people that say that three is a lot. But I guess I’ll soon have to find an answer to those comments.

LOL. My Catholic MIL thought we were insane when we got pregnant the first time (I was still in graduate school, and we had less than $200 in the bank when our son was born).

The second time around, she was less apprehensive but she still didn’t like the idea because I was a struggling attorney living in New Orleans and she didn’t know how we would afford schooling.

By the time my wife got knocked up with the third son - right before I deployed to Afghanistan for her entire pregnancy. My MIL was ready to have us committed. She couldn’t even pretend to be happy when she first found out.

But it’s not personal. She grew up poor and then ended up raising three children without help when her husband left to marry his mistress. Being a broke single mother of 3 kids left some scars on her.

And, she just doesn’t adjust to change very well.

Pax,
OA

 

[sharmin]

We have recently found out that we are expecting our third baby. When we call our family to let them know some where very excited, but others where more apprehensive. It’s sad that we are all catholic and even my brother had an vasectomy after his second child.
I don’t know what to answer to those people that say that three is a lot. But I guess I’ll soon have to find an answer to those comments.

Awww, don’t let them get you down! (I know, easier said than done!) Maybe they weren’t apprehensive, but rather, surprised?

 

[sharmin]

LOL. My Catholic MIL thought we were insane when we got pregnant the first time (I was still in graduate school, and we had less than $200 in the bank when our son was born).

The second time around, she was less apprehensive but she still didn’t like the idea because I was a struggling attorney living in New Orleans and she didn’t know how we would afford schooling.

By the time my wife got knocked up with the third son - right before I deployed to Afghanistan for her entire pregnancy. My MIL was ready to have us committed. She couldn’t even pretend to be happy when she first found out.

But it’s not personal. She grew up poor and then ended up raising three children without help when her husband left to marry his mistress. Being a broke single mother of 3 kids left some scars on her.

And, she just doesn’t adjust to change very well.

Pax,
OA

Awww, the poor lady. But look what a good job she did with your wife! Amen!

 

[sherimarie]

Orleans has inspired me to be more charitable to my inlaws, I loved that post!
I have found it is very helpful to be super friendly to the super forward people who push their opinions off on you, and even pray for them. I have had many people make rude comments but i think they are far outwieghed by the encouragement of beautiful little old ladies who think your children are perfect even when they are crushing cheerios into the pews and sampling the abc gum under the seats. One nice comment from a saintly person is worth 10 rude references to your family size.

 

[MomGisela]

We have 6 - 2 boys and 4 girls.

 

[samovila]

We get alot of funny looks in public and my boss has been making comments lately too concerning insurance, etc. (he’s a “Catholic” too - lapsed) I’m sick of being looked at as if we are freaks.

Are you sure that the looks you’re getting are negative? There’s a family at church who has 7 children. One appears to be adopted. They are all homeschooled and very talented. I stare often, admiring them. Even the youngest children are well behaved at mass. I stare and wonder how they do it.

BTW, We currently have two children age 3 and 1 and would love more some day in the not too distant future. When we share with people that we’d like more kids one day they look at us like we’re crazy and make surprised comments like, “Really! Well good luck with that!” Like it’s totally crazy to want more than 2 kids. Or also we get comments like, “Now you have a girl and a boy you can stop having kids.” Um, no.

 

[Charlotte408]

crud…

the ‘s’ in shildren threw me off and I thought the question was ‘how many children Should you have’

I really only have one, not 3!! LOL…

But yes, I was thinking at least three if you can pop em’ out!

I would love to have like, 6 though…

 

[Charlotte408]

new babygirl Christine was born 10/26/2009

ON MY BIRTHDAY!! I LOVE HER!!

 

[MomaMary8]

I’m not sure I understand the rolling of the eyes here. I’m also not sure what I said that was crazy. I’m guessing you misunderstood what I was saying. I said there are people who think it’s okay to have kids intending on taxpayers paying for their needs. And that’s true. People really think that way. Possibly you have never encountered them, but I sure have!!

I’m also not understanding the comment about the police, roads, etc., but last time I checked, everyone who pays sales tax, rent ($ goes toward property taxes), property taxes, gas taxes, among others are taxpayers paying for necessities. Could you elaborate on what you meant? I’m sorry. I am quite tired, so I might be a little slow on the uptake.

Sorry for the confusion! I was rolling my eyes at the people you were refering to, not you! Those people who claim such silly nonsense seem to forget that 47% of the population do not pay federal taxes…should they not have children, too? Quite a large population is living of the taxes of just a portion of the society. I think it’s hypocritical to criticize those on welfare when our taxation system is so out of balance. Sorry I was not more clear (or if I’m still unclear). I have a newborn, little sleep and little time to type an elaborate, coherent answer! ( and a bit annoyed at the large check we had to write to the government…I could use that money to buy diapers and food!! )

 

[magic_stick]

My wife and I are both 37 and we have 7 children. We get alot of funny looks in public and my boss has been making comments lately too concerning insurance, etc. (he’s a “Catholic” too - lapsed) I’m sick of being looked at as if we are freaks. I’m not sure why people are so concerned about it. What do you say to them? Many times I’m caught off guard and only later think of a comeback. How do you deal with it? We love our kids and can’t imagine like without them.

I wouldn’t say anything to anybody unless they said something to me. Not sure what I would say though. I really think it’s none of anyones business how many kids you have.

 

[Ridgerunner]

LOL. My Catholic MIL thought we were insane when we got pregnant the first time (I was still in graduate school, and we had less than $200 in the bank when our son was born).

The second time around, she was less apprehensive but she still didn’t like the idea because I was a struggling attorney living in New Orleans and she didn’t know how we would afford schooling.

By the time my wife got knocked up with the third son - right before I deployed to Afghanistan for her entire pregnancy. My MIL was ready to have us committed. She couldn’t even pretend to be happy when she first found out.

But it’s not personal. She grew up poor and then ended up raising three children without help when her husband left to marry his mistress. Being a broke single mother of 3 kids left some scars on her.

And, she just doesn’t adjust to change very well.

Pax,
OA

Don’t worry, eventually she’ll just go numb.

One of my daughters has seven children. MIL was okay with #1, though it was “too soon”, because she and her husband were not “affluent enough” yet. She sort of tolerated the second. With the third she had a fit and just plainly told my daughter she was having too many children and SURELY had enough sense not to have any more. With #4 she groused a little, but didn’t say much. From #5 on, she just went numb and said nothing.

 

[4Horsemen]

Regarding our 6 children, the comment we heard the most was, “When are you going to stop?” I’d think to myself, stop what? Having children or having sex? I’m pretty sure I get the gist of it though. What they wanted to say would be more like, “Haven’t you ever heard of birth control, family planning?”

 

[dontknow]

Just know that people are gonna comment no matter what you do.

Agreed