How Much Babysitting/Daycare is too much?

[tsorama]

I wonder what is “excessive” when it comes to having grandparents babysit children? I have two wonderful grandchildren, 2 years old and nine months, and we have them for half of every weekend (Sat morn to Sun morn). The parents don’t have any other family in town. I worry about whether the kids should see their mother more though. We have the kids about 15% of their total weekly awake time, daycare has them 55% of their awake time, which leaves 30% for the parents. Both parents and grandparents work full-tiime. I assume this is the “new normal”? Needless to say it was different when I was a kid. My poor parents had us 24-7!

 

[Z1Z2]

that does seem a bit much. As a mom who works outside the home, I usually (admittedly, not always) want my children with me on weekends when at all possible. I would not mind having the grandparents available occasionally, say for a quiet wal-mart run or a date night with DH. Overall, though, it does seem a bit much to me that the working parents are still sending the kids to a sitter for another 24 hours on the weekend (unless the parents are working over time).

 

[BlueEyedLady]

that does seem a bit much. As a mom who works outside the home, I usually (admittedly, not always) want my children with me on weekends when at all possible. I would not mind having the grandparents available occasionally, say for a quiet wal-mart run or a date night with DH. Overall, though, it does seem a bit much to me that the working parents are still sending the kids to a sitter for another 24 hours on the weekend (unless the parents are working over time).

I think it depends. I can definitely see your point, but I spent weekends with my grandma and my mom worked during the week. My grandma and I were very close, she had a profound impact on who I am, and she gave me amazing perspective. She’s gone now and my mom and I are still very close (always were, despite school and work and weekends with grandma). It was great that I got to be so close to both my mom and my grandma. Not everyone is so lucky.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

This is something for you to discuss with your daughter/son. Think about why you have them each weekend - what are the parents doing? Work? school? errands? relaxing? Discuss with them what their weeks are like - are they running into daycare right before it closes? And think about what the alternatives are like - will the children be in their carseats half the day on Saturday while mom and dad run errands?

No, things are not like they were, and in many cases they are indeed worse, because it takes so much more effort (hours at work and hours commuting) to make the same income as before.

You can help your children (the parents) consider if there are other ways they can manage their time to be able to be with their own kids (the grandchildren) more. Perhaps there are, or perhaps they are already stretched thin with this arrangement. Good, consistent, loving childcare is a great blessing that you can offer. But it may be even better if you can pick the kids up from daycare rather than have them all day Saturday. Talk it through.

And be sure to be upfront about how much you are willing to do and for how long. If you are resentful about keeping them, or finding it difficult, let them know. Set a date by when they should work out other arrangements and encourage them to figure out how to be with their kids more.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I wonder what is “excessive” when it comes to having grandparents babysit children? I have two wonderful grandchildren, 2 years old and nine months, and we have them for half of every weekend (Sat morn to Sun morn). The parents don’t have any other family in town. I worry about whether the kids should see their mother more though. We have the kids about 15% of their total weekly awake time, daycare has them 55% of their awake time, which leaves 30% for the parents. Both parents and grandparents work full-tiime. I assume this is the “new normal”? Needless to say it was different when I was a kid. My poor parents had us 24-7!

When you say the parents and grandparents work full-time, do you mean that you and your husband work full time? And then your son or daughter brings you their 2 small children to watch on the weekend? Or do you mean their other grandparents? When you say the kids should see their mother more, does that mean that their mother is your DIL or your daughter?

Are you tired of having them every weekend? But you feel if you didn’t step in, the kids might not be cared for properly, or the parents would be stressed out? What do they do on Saturday and Sunday when you have the kids?

This is not a new normal. I think most parents who have to work full time WANT to be with their kids on the weekends, as much as they can. Some people don’t do well with small children and really don’t want to be around them, which is damaging to the children.

 

[Elizium23]

In the 80s when I was a child, on Sundays my family had a routine of going to Mass, out to breakfast, and then my sister and I were dropped off at Grandma’s for a day of play. I think my sister enjoyed it, while I enjoyed it immensely. Our parents gave us everything we needed, and Grandma gave us everything we wanted. Early forms of play at her house involved board games, craft construction projects with cardboard and tape, and card games like Go Fish and Poker with a nice deck and a carousel with plastic wagering chips. Later forms of play involved taking the bus down to the shopping centers, and me hanging out with the clerk at Radio Shack or the Wherehouse and talk about teenager things, and my sister buying clothes, and sometimes I bought clothes at trendy teenage shops. Grandma did not work outside the home and she never drove a car. Grandma really spoiled me sometimes and I took advantage of that, and I regrettably lost contact with her and my family during the last years of her life. But Grandma kept us out of trouble and out of our parents’ hair for a few hours on Sunday, Mom and Dad would always pull up around 7-8pm to come and take us home. It was a very comfortable arrangement and it is truly a blessing that grandparents are able to help raise children, because we really did learn so much from her.

 

[Aggies08]

I think it’s too much when grandparents are “expected” or “encouraged” to regularly watch grandchildren rather than wanting to on their (the grandparents) prerogative, We see this all the time at work (Daycare). The parents may drop them off, but grandparents pick them up, keep them all evening- put some of them to bed, often have them on weekends even. The kids seem to hardly know their parents. I’m sure some families financially need this help or something, but it makes me sad.

Your marriage/family life changes when you have kids- you either lean how to shop with them, or you deal with going out after they are in bed. You learn how to help them entertain themselves, how to change a diaper every hour or two, how to live in 10m incriments (someone always needs something!). It is hard, and it’s tough, but once you accept it, and get used to it, it’s not so bad! That is what a lot of the parents we see at work seem to have a hard time learning. We have babies from 7-530 every day- the parents run their errands before picking up the baby, etc, as a matter of routine. Or, the leave them with us because it’s “more fun” for the child, even if that means the child only sees them for 2 hrs before bed.

Again, I know there are also legitimate circumstances where the family NEEDS those incomes, and those are the way the parents shifts must work. I’m not talking about that.

FWIW, DH and I work full time, and have no family/help in town. The kids either do everything with us, or we don’t do it- they are too young for a babysitter yet (youngest will be ready in 6mo!). We are lucky enough that our shifts overlap only a little, and the kids are at school from 9-230, and 2.5 hrs of that is a nap!

Why not sit down with your kids, and see what their opinion is on all of this? THey are not entitled to your help, especially if this is hurting your retirement (by being unable to work as much as you need) or health. They made the choice to have their children, and may need some gentle encouragement in what it means to be a parent, an outlet if they are feeling overwhelmed, or ideas to help with whatever issue having the kids for two days in a row would cause.

 

[aloe]

I don’t know if it is normal.
I do know as a parent I would be sad and feel like I was missing out on too much.

 

[Blenderx]

Sounds a bit much, especially them being so young. We have no other family around and the grandparents have the kids for a day (not overnight) once a month. This is the schedule they chose, as they have quite a few grandchildren now, and jobs, and the kids are exhausting. This is fine with us.

When I was a kid (80’s and 90’s), we lived in a sort of 2-family house, with my grandmother in a separate apartment, and she watched us for the evening once a week (thursdays, I believe) when my parents were on a bowling team. We also often baked with her on Sunday mornings.

You have every right and reason to set limits on how often and how long you wish to watch your grandchildren.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

Truth is…if they don’t want to spend time with them they’ll probably find a way not to. So it’s with you or another sitter. If I were you, I 'd think of the grandchildren and watch them.

 

[tsorama]

Thanks for all the good responses. It’s nice to get a variety of opinions on what can be a touchy topic.

 

[EasterJoy]

You take them from Saturday morning until Sunday morning? Every week? How much do you see your own child every week? Did he/she spend a lot of time with you before the children arrived? Do they bring dinner over, help you around your place, or make some other gesture when you’re together, to show how much they appreciate this? Unless your child is making some like gesture of appreciation or is in some financial straits that are driving this, so that it can hardly be helped, I’d say your child is taking advantage of you. Maybe that’s just me?

 

[maryjk]

You take them from Saturday morning until Sunday morning? Every week? How much do you see your own child every week? Did he/she spend a lot of time with you before the children arrived? Do they bring dinner over, help you around your place, or make some other gesture when you’re together, to show how much they appreciate this? Unless your child is making some like gesture of appreciation or is in some financial straits that are driving this, so that it can hardly be helped, I’d say your child is taking advantage of you. Maybe that’s just me?

It isn’t just you.

It seems as though the parents aren’t spending much time with their own children.

 

[EasterJoy]

It isn’t just you.

It seems as though the parents aren’t spending much time with their own children.

I meant that even if the parents were both stay-at-home parents all of the rest of the week, that’s still a lot to ask of the grandparents, unless there is a pressing need. An evening or an afternoon every week is one thing, that’s great if you can get it, but an entire day with the grandparents while the parents go who know where else is well beyond the norm, no matter how much time the parents spend with their kids the rest of the week.

The norm these days is that parents try to get a date night or an afternoon alone every week or two, not an entire day off from parenting, and that they either literally reimburse or else make a substantial show of their gratitude to* all *regular sitters, including grandparents, neighbors, friends, and anyone else who “loves their kids.”

OP, your grandchildren are lucky to spend time with you, and that is a great thing, do not get me wrong. It just isn’t right for your children to hand their kids off to you without recognizing that contribution to what is their 24/7/365 job. If there is a norm, it is that the parents spend time at their parents with their kids on a regular basis, not that the grandchildren are dropped off and the parents vanish.

 

[PaulinVA]

What are the parents doing on Saturday?

If it isn’t working, then this is very wrong.

 

[CatholicVera]

“Excessive” is when you begin to feel resentful and/or used. That will vary from person to person, and family to family.

In my culture, grandparents help to raise children. They do this while the parents work, or they work outside the home so a parent can remain home. It’s more common to live with extended family for the benefit of the extended family. What you describe would be normal … for me, for us. And in fact, it IS normal for me; my mother has my children every day that I work (my job requires international travel). We share a home.

My husband’s culture is also very family-oriented, however they don’t live as an extended family. It’s not uncommon for grandparents to be very present in the lives of their grandchildren, but caregiving is more often compensated and negotiated. My husband’s grandmother came to the house to care for him every day for most of his young life, but she was on payroll (taxes and all). There was an understood contract and terms that all parties were satisfied to uphold. What you describe would be unacceptable without a contract, implicit or implied, … to him, to them.

What I’ve noticed, as an adult living in America, is that today’s (Western) parents seem to want the benefit of the first arrangment without the responsibilities of the second. Not all, just some. I’m in my mid-30s, and this is what I see of those peers not sharing my culture (or the few others that seem very similar to my culture in terms of family roles). I can see where a grandparent might feel resentful. I actually DO see it in my husband’s family.

My SIL has two young boys (ages 9m and 34m) who stay with my MIL 12 hour days, 5 days a week. My SIL & BIL meet at MIL’s around dinnertime to pick up the boys and to also be fed themselves. My MIL and FIL own their own business, which is labor-intensive and must now be scheduled around their (uncompensated and IMO excessive) babysitting duties. SIL & BIL also are big on weekend getaways, scheduling at least one monthly to out-of-state locations without the children. My MIL keeps the kids these weekends, too.

Is it excessive? My husband and FIL think so. My SIL and BIL obviously don’t. My MIL feels it is but will never say so to my SIL for fear of alienating her and losing the kids entirely. Or, worse, as other posters have suggested, for fear that the kids would then spend the same amount of time away from family in the care of a “stranger” … so she sucks it up, and deals.

I think it’s excessive because MIL feels put out, and because it’s affecting MIL’s source of income. But if she’s going to allow it to happen, … well, there’s no right complainin’ then! We can all only hope that as the kids get older, SIL feels less overwhelmed and is better able to relate to them and to BE PRESENT for and with them. Until then, MIL feels she’s best able to provide that for the grandchildren. So excessive? Who’s to say, but you …

 

[maryjk]

I meant that even if the parents were both stay-at-home parents all of the rest of the week, that’s still a lot to ask of the grandparents, unless there is a pressing need. An evening or an afternoon every week is one thing, that’s great if you can get it, but an entire day with the grandparents while the parents go who know where else is well beyond the norm, no matter how much time the parents spend with their kids the rest of the week…

I see only two reasons where it would be a problem.

1. The parents work full time, then dump their kids off for a full 24 hours.
2. The grandparents, for whatever reason, feel it is too much.

Otherwise, it doesn’t matter what the norm is. All that matters is what works for that particular family.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Excessive” is when you begin to feel resentful and/or used. That will vary from person to person, and family to family.

In my culture, grandparents help to raise children. They do this while the parents work, or they work outside the home so a parent can remain home. It’s more common to live with extended family for the benefit of the extended family. What you describe would be normal … for me, for us. And in fact, it IS normal for me; my mother has my children every day that I work (my job requires international travel). We share a home.

My husband’s culture is also very family-oriented, however they don’t live as an extended family. It’s not uncommon for grandparents to be very present in the lives of their grandchildren, but caregiving is more often compensated and negotiated. My husband’s grandmother came to the house to care for him every day for most of his young life, but she was on payroll (taxes and all). There was an understood contract and terms that all parties were satisfied to uphold. What you describe would be unacceptable without a contract, implicit or implied, … to him, to them.

What I’ve noticed, as an adult living in America, is that today’s (Western) parents seem to want the benefit of the first arrangment without the responsibilities of the second. Not all, just some. I’m in my mid-30s, and this is what I see of those peers not sharing my culture (or the few others that seem very similar to my culture in terms of family roles). I can see where a grandparent might feel resentful. I actually DO see it in my husband’s family.

My SIL has two young boys (ages 9m and 34m) who stay with my MIL 12 hour days, 5 days a week. My SIL & BIL meet at MIL’s around dinnertime to pick up the boys and to also be fed themselves. My MIL and FIL own their own business, which is labor-intensive and must now be scheduled around their (uncompensated and IMO excessive) babysitting duties. SIL & BIL also are big on weekend getaways, scheduling at least one monthly to out-of-state locations without the children. My MIL keeps the kids these weekends, too.

Is it excessive? My husband and FIL think so. My SIL and BIL obviously don’t. My MIL feels it is but will never say so to my SIL for fear of alienating her and losing the kids entirely. Or, worse, as other posters have suggested, for fear that the kids would then spend the same amount of time away from family in the care of a “stranger” … so she sucks it up, and deals.

I think it’s excessive because MIL feels put out, and because it’s affecting MIL’s source of income. But if she’s going to allow it to happen, … well, there’s no right complainin’ then! We can all only hope that as the kids get older, SIL feels less overwhelmed and is better able to relate to them and to BE PRESENT for and with them. Until then, MIL feels she’s best able to provide that for the grandchildren. So excessive? Who’s to say, but you …

Ah, but this is also a situation where grandparent care will be on the same terms, when the time comes, will it not? We would not have dreamed of leaving my live-in MIL to take care of our children all by herself for essentially a full day every week, but she would have undoubtedly done it, had there been the need. Likewise, when she got older and needed to go to the doctor and could not drive herself, we were there for her. When there is a need, that is a different situation.

The parents work full time, then dump their kids off for a full 24 hours.

I think this is what she means…well, maybe 20, not 24, but still? Don’t most parents look forward to time with their own children?

---

Having said all that, let us get back to the OP. If I read her correctly, her issue is not with having the children so often and it is not that she wants compensation, even though it would be quite understandable if she did.

Rather, it seems to be far more that she is concerned that her grandchildren are not getting enough attention from their parents. I think she has reason to be concerned. It would be better if her child took at least some of his/her “break from parenting” by visiting Grandma and Grandpa’s with the children. If Grandma and Grandpa want to do all the work, great, that would make it much more of a break, but even if Grandma is doing all the cooking and toileting them and so on, it does matter to the children whether or not Mom and/or Dad are there.

 

[bumby]

I used to believe that a mother should be with her young children 24/7. I now believe that it is a reasonable approach to apply the ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ philosophy. After all, a child (should have) two parents.

I miss my children when I’m at work but they love their day nursery and have learnt so much. It really is excellent and I’m happy knowing they are happy here. They have long days here (8am to 5.30pm). We have the weekends together and they also have their dad with them all day Tuesdays on one of his days off.

Most weekends we do family things and not seeing them in the daytime during the week, I really cherish the time we spend. But as they are so young, sometimes I have chores to do at the weekend that can’t be done while they nap. So occasionally they visit their grandparents while I sort out things. I try not to do this often.

 

[maltmom]

I think every situation is different. I think it becomes excessive when the child is sick or injured they want the grandparent or caregiver instead of one of the parents. I’ve seen it happen. I have a real problem with parents not keeping their children if they aren’t working. A special occasion is different. It’s the parents responsibility to raise their children, not the grandparents.

I grew up in a different time. My brother and I never had a babysitter. If my parents were invited somewhere and they couldn’t bring us along they just didn’t go.