How much did /do you have in common

[Lochias]

…with the guy or gal you wound up marrying?

I’ve recently just started seeing a gal, whom I’ve been friends with for a bit, and things really sort of developed on their own after. I like her, and think she’s pretty neat, but she’s a little uncommon for my normal preference in women in the fact that she and I don’t share a lot of the same hobbies. There are overlaps, yes, and lots of the normal things, like movies and walks and the like, we both love to do, but it just seems…strange, not to date a gal who’s not into gaming and the like, like most of the other gals I’ve seen.

When you married folks here on CAF met your spouses, did ya’ll share a lot of the same interests? Do you now? Just curious about it all, and not trying to rush into anything or over-analyze.

Thanks for your time.

 

[EasterJoy]

I know hunters who are not one bit bothered that their wife doesn’t hunt, because hunting is something they do as a “guy thing”, and that doesn’t take so much of their life that it interferes with their home life. Likewise women who quilt. In fact, it isn’t too unusual for a hunter to be married to a quilter. If your hobbies are different but give you complimentary swaths of time off to spend time with the friends you share the hobbies with or to pursue a solitary hobby alone, well, that happens all of the time. Maybe she does Rachel’s vineyard retreats and you do other things that take a whole weekend…that would work well, because neither would feel you’d missed out on going to Mass together. Rather, you’re with somebody who also isn’t in their home parish for the same Sunday Mass every weekend.

The problem comes when you have hobbies that are in conflict with other priorities or that force you to spend an inordinate amount of time apart. For instance, if your gaming takes place at the same time as stuff your girlfriend wants you doing with her instead, or if she were to have a frequent activity that starts on Saturday at 3 pm and goes through Sunday night so that she couldn’t go to Mass with you on weekends you wanted to spend with her, that could be a problem. If your hobby takes place all day Saturday and all Sunday afternoon and exclude or don’t interest her while hers are on Friday and Saturday nights and similarly aren’t going to you, that could be a problem, too.

 

[rotlex]

My wife and I of 23 years share, and shared, nearly identical interests since day one. Our likes and dislikes were almost uncanny. It’s still that way today, even more so, and frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. In our case, opposites did NOT attract at all, and I’m VERY happy for it!

I couldn’t really imagine her not enjoying the thing I love from computer gaming, to motorcycling, to amusement parks. We both love it all, and do it all, together, and have for nearly 25 total years. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

 

[Em_in_FL]

I know hunters who are not one bit bothered that their wife doesn’t hunt, because hunting is something they do as a “guy thing”, and that doesn’t take so much of their life that it interferes with their home life. Likewise women who quilt. In fact, it isn’t too unusual for a hunter to be married to a quilter. If your hobbies are different but give you complimentary swaths of time off to spend time with the friends you share the hobbies with or to pursue a solitary hobby alone, well, that happens all of the time. Maybe she does Rachel’s vineyard retreats and you do other things that take a whole weekend…that would work well, because neither would feel you’d missed out on going to Mass together. Rather, you’re with somebody who also isn’t in their home parish for the same Sunday Mass every weekend.

The problem comes when you have hobbies that are in conflict with other priorities or that force you to spend an inordinate amount of time apart. For instance, if your gaming takes place at the same time as stuff your girlfriend wants you doing with her instead, or if she were to have a frequent activity that starts on Saturday at 3 pm and goes through Sunday night so that she couldn’t go to Mass with you on weekends you wanted to spend with her, that could be a problem. If your hobby takes place all day Saturday and all Sunday afternoon and exclude or don’t interest her while hers are on Friday and Saturday nights and similarly aren’t going to you, that could be a problem, too.

Great points…
Other considerations include your social nature - be sure to pay attention to whether one of you is more outgoing/extroverted socially or homebody/introverted. There is no right or wrong answer - everyone’s personality is unique, but those types of things can cause tension and stress in a relationship if you aren’t on the same page in that regard.

 

[Lochias]

I know hunters who are not one bit bothered that their wife doesn’t hunt, because hunting is something they do as a “guy thing”, and that doesn’t take so much of their life that it interferes with their home life. Likewise women who quilt. In fact, it isn’t too unusual for a hunter to be married to a quilter. If your hobbies are different but give you complimentary swaths of time off to spend time with the friends you share the hobbies with or to pursue a solitary hobby alone, well, that happens all of the time. Maybe she does Rachel’s vineyard retreats and you do other things that take a whole weekend…that would work well, because neither would feel you’d missed out on going to Mass together. Rather, you’re with somebody who also isn’t in their home parish for the same Sunday Mass every weekend.

The problem comes when you have hobbies that are in conflict with other priorities or that force you to spend an inordinate amount of time apart. For instance, if your gaming takes place at the same time as stuff your girlfriend wants you doing with her instead, or if she were to have a frequent activity that starts on Saturday at 3 pm and goes through Sunday night so that she couldn’t go to Mass with you on weekends you wanted to spend with her, that could be a problem. If your hobby takes place all day Saturday and all Sunday afternoon and exclude or don’t interest her while hers are on Friday and Saturday nights and similarly aren’t going to you, that could be a problem, too.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m not a heavy gamer by any stretch of the imagination anymore, so I don’t imagine time would be an issue.

 

[Lochias]

My wife and I of 23 years share, and shared, nearly identical interests since day one. Our likes and dislikes were almost uncanny. It’s still that way today, even more so, and frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. In our case, opposites did NOT attract at all, and I’m VERY happy for it!

I couldn’t really imagine her not enjoying the thing I love from computer gaming, to motorcycling, to amusement parks. We both love it all, and do it all, together, and have for nearly 25 total years. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Cool, sounds like a winner to me. 'gratz.

 

[Lochias]

Great points…
Other considerations include your social nature - be sure to pay attention to whether one of you is more outgoing/extroverted socially or homebody/introverted. There is no right or wrong answer - everyone’s personality is unique, but those types of things can cause tension and stress in a relationship if you aren’t on the same page in that regard.

Indeed.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

…with the guy or gal you wound up marrying?

Having similar activities in common isn’t as important as having similar value systems, in my opinion.

My husband is a gamer. He can spend hours leveling up, assigning experience points, and trying over and over and over and over again to kill the boss. I’ll watch him for two minutes and think, “Your character is just running through some post-apocalyptic wasteland shooting mutants. What’s the point?”

I cook. I can spend hours in the kitchen. My husband oftentimes can’t slice carrots for more than three minutes without asking me if they’re done so he can go do something else. One of his favorite sayings that he knows will get a rise out of me is, “Food is fuel, nothing more.”

But… we both value: respecting each other’s differences, learning new things, and good conversation. So, I don’t blow a gasket when he wiles away rainy Sunday afternoons with his game console. And he doesn’t get irritated when I take two hours chopping veggies and making sauces. Occasionally I’ll pick up a controller and let him laugh at me as my character dies over and over, and sometimes he’ll ask me to teach him to make something.

We also value thrift and saving money. So he’d not getting on my nerves buying every new video game that comes on the market, and I’m not making him really angry by dropping every last dime at Whole Paycheck.

Contrast that with someone who values gaming, like my brother-in-law. Gaming is a life priority for him; he’s invested tens of thousands of dollars into a bleeding edge computing system and spends hours (6 or more) each and every day on his MMORPG. A women who isn’t a hardcore gamer just isn’t going to git into his life.

I’m not saying my husband and I don’t have similar interests - we do. But I think that it’s our similar values that makes our marriage work well for us.

Luna

 

[EasterJoy]

My wife and I of 23 years share, and shared, nearly identical interests since day one. Our likes and dislikes were almost uncanny. It’s still that way today, even more so, and frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. In our case, opposites did NOT attract at all, and I’m VERY happy for it!

I couldn’t really imagine her not enjoying the thing I love from computer gaming, to motorcycling, to amusement parks. We both love it all, and do it all, together, and have for nearly 25 total years. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Some people need some time alone. I guess they need to marry other people who need some time alone!

Besides, the malls are full of men sitting on those little department store couches, looking like they’re waiting to have a tooth pulled. It’s great if you really like to shop for your wife’s clothes with her, but it would not hurt their marriages if those guys were allowed to stay home or go find something–for their look, nearly anything!!!–else to do, would it?

 

[rotlex]

Some people need some time alone. I guess they need to marry other people who need some time alone!

Besides, the malls are full of men sitting on those little department store couches, looking like they’re waiting to have a tooth pulled. It’s great if you really like to shop for your wife’s clothes with her, but it would not hurt their marriages if those guys were allowed to stay home or go find something–for their look, nearly anything!!!–else to do, would it?

Didn’t necessarily say I like shopping for clothes with my wife, but eh, I don’t hate it either, LOL. Seriously, were not attached at the hip 24/7, but share a LOT of common interests. Yes, there are things we do separately, for instance, she enjoys a spa day from time to time, and well, let’s just say I don’t, hehe. I enjoy horror films, her, not so much. Overall though, It think sharing the majority of each others likes and dislikes has done nothing but strengthened our marriage over the years.

 

[PatriceA]

LIke Luna Lovecraft mentioned, my husband and I had the same value system in common. Honesty, respect, faithfulness, hard working, loyal, same values about money and parenting…those are/were what I would tell anyone entering into a serious relationship to value more than having hobbies in common. And most importantly, we were both Catholic. I know there are members here at CAF that are in mixed faith marriages, but having seriously
dated a non-Catholic before meeting my husband, it was very important to me that we were both Catholic, over any common hobby or interest we might share. Occasionally my husband and I will partake in each other’s different interests, but its not mandatory that we do so. We do put each other above our own individual hobbies and activities. If it comes down to doing something with my husband and doing something with my hobby group, I pick my husband 99% of the time because I just love haning out with him more.

I think having different interests are not a deal breaker. I think NOT having the same interests entirely can actually enrich the relationship/marriage.

 

[Ophelia23]

Love the avatar for your pic. Brak is one of my all-time heros.

My husband is super geeky and into things like D&D, Magic the Gathering, Star Wars Miniatures, Warhammer, etc. And… yeah… I’m really not. I’d rather go hiking or geek out with some Super Mario World, SNES style. My husband’s politics have evolved quite a bit, but when I met him we were on opposing ends of the spectrum. His taste in music is pretty much limited to Metallica, and he has absolutely no sense of rhythm. I, on the other hand, can’t limit myself to just one band let alone one genre, and I am a musician by trade for additional income. I prayed and prayed and prayed that our daughter would get mama’s sense of rhythm, NOT papa’s.

Where I’m going with all of this is, we are very different. Our interests are so totally opposite of each other, but we also have common ground where it matters the most. It actually is beneficial that our interests are so different, because it gives us an easy excuse to get a little alone time. Just the other day, I sent my husband off to play D&D so that I could put the baby to bed, make some popcorn and watch Food Network all by myself. It ROCKED.

 

[anp1215]

We have pretty much nothing in common! My husband loves electronics, makes electronic music, builds computers, records sounds, etc. Loves photography. Would spend hours on end photographing something. He also loves science (especially astronomy) and watches science videos on youtube for hours on end. He used to love to paint and draw but doesn’t do that as much anymore.

I don’t like any of those things. (except astronomy, which I used to be more interested in than I am now).

I love reading (especially sci/fi and fantasy) and playing with the cats. I love pro-life work and being involved with the church. I love learning about religion.

He doesn’t like any of those things (except playing with the cats sometimes).

But everything pretty much works out and it’s not a huge deal. We just do these things individually.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

My husband and I had common interests when we met, but we also had many interests that were unique to one of us. Since we’ve been married, the number of individual interests we each have that the other doesn’t share has actually increased while our common interests have remained pretty much the same, but that has only enriched our relationship. For a long time we were so into each other that no one else mattered. Now we branch out, hang out with other people, and do our own thing much more often, but it’s only meant that we have a lot more to talk about.

The core of our relationship is a common set of values, a common morality. Without that, we never could have considered marriage.

Our temperaments are complementary as well. He’s more introverted than I am, but that helps me keep myself anchored because left to my own devices I’m a bona fide wingnut. On the other hand, my free-spirited, try-almost-anything-once nature has inspired him to come out of his shell more, try new things and meet new people. Neither of us would have done well with someone just like us, and I know from current experience that someone totally opposite of me would have been a disaster. I’ve been spending a fair bit of time lately with an acquaintance (100% platonic, I hasten to add) who is absolutely everything I’m not, and sometimes it’s all I can do to keep from strangling him.

All this said, I admit it would be better if my husband were Catholic. I see that now, but the deed is done and we are validly married in the Catholic Church. I pray daily for his conversion.

 

[Lochias]

Love the avatar for your pic. Brak is one of my all-time heros.

All hail Brak! Yeah, BUDDY!

To everyone: Thanks for the responses and wisdom. The general consensus appears to be that it’s more core values and willingness to co-operate and communicate that is the important thing, not hobbies and the like.

This puts my mind quite at ease, and I don’t feel nearly as strange about dating this rather wonderful gal, now. I ‘preciate it, ya’ll. Discussion is still quite welcome, of course, and I’ll keep poppin’ in.

Pax et Bonum!

 

[Phemie]

…with the guy or gal you wound up marrying?

Very little, actually, which really surprised me because I’d always pictured myself married to an academic who liked reading & the arts. Instead, I married a former jock who enjoys being active in the Scouting movement. So…

I’m involved in drama and the arts in our community and he’s involved in Scouting and Ground Search and Rescue and watches sports on TV. We shared very little ‘leisure time’ until 9 years ago when, separately but around the same time, we both discovered geocaching. Now we have a common leisure activity, which considering we’ve been married almost 37 years, is a change that was a long time coming.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

…with the guy or gal you wound up marrying?

I’ve recently just started seeing a gal, whom I’ve been friends with for a bit, and things really sort of developed on their own after. I like her, and think she’s pretty neat, but she’s a little uncommon for my normal preference in women in the fact that she and I don’t share a lot of the same hobbies. There are overlaps, yes, and lots of the normal things, like movies and walks and the like, we both love to do, but it just seems…strange, not to date a gal who’s not into gaming and the like, like most of the other gals I’ve seen.

When you married folks here on CAF met your spouses, did ya’ll share a lot of the same interests? Do you now? Just curious about it all, and not trying to rush into anything or over-analyze.

Thanks for your time.

We met in a punk bar. We danced. I don’t believe we’ve danced once since that night.

Differences can add spice and spark to the relationship. Or, they can be a fly in the ointment. It depends on the individuals. If you think that you both have to agree on everything, then indeed, differences will be a problem. If you can tolerate another’s differences, and even find them exciting, things can be very good.

Just look at Mary Matalin and James Carville. What’s THAT about, if not polar opposites? And yet, they make it work!



Hubby and I both read. We both like history, a lot. Of course I am a revert, and he is not. That’s a big difference that IS a problem. He seems to like movies although we haven’t gone to many over the years. I am very particular about what I pay to see on the big screen. I like old movies the best. We both like travel, within reason. We’re not constantly on the go. We’re both homebodies. We don’t do sports together but I will watch the occasional soccer match with him and our sons. I LOVE LOVE LOVE roller coasters and he doesn’t enjoy amusement parks at all. I’m a rather simple person and he’s more complex.

We do like a lot of the same foods - both of us love all sorts of ethnic foods. So that is common ground. If he was a meat and potatoes guy all the time, it would be tough for me.

We’re different politically. Half the time, I think he is just trolling me when he says stuff - to see what I will do. So I have learned not to get upset.

I would have wanted more kids - he wouldn’t have. We didn’t have any more than 2.

Talk about the big stuff with your friend. I assume she’s Catholic?

 

[Irishmom2]

Having similar activities in common isn’t as important as having similar value systems, in my opinion.

I think this says it all for me as well.

The “overlap” you spoke of, OP, is what will keep you doing some things together, as well as the day to day things you do together, like meals. Even for people that just view food as fuel.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

There are some things we both like, but mostly my husband and I have very different interests. He likes video games; I’d rather read. We don’t like the same TV shows, we don’t even like the same foods a lot of the time. However, as other posters have mentioned, the important thing is a shared value system.

For us, the lack of shared interests is really not a problem. We both make an effort to do things that the other one enjoys together, but are also perfectly content sometimes doing our own thing. I actually think it helps us, to have different interests, because we expose each other to different things and also it gives us both some space, even if we are sitting in the same room doing different things. I imagine that it’s probably easier for people who are more introverted (like myself and my husband) to have different interests than it might be for more outgoing people. We’re used to solitary activities so it’s not such a big deal if we’re not doing everything together all the time.

As long as you have the important things in common, the other less significant things don’t really matter. Shared interests aren’t going to make a good relationship- what matters is your shared values and how you interact with one another.

 

[Irishmom2]

I imagine that it’s probably easier for people who are more introverted (like myself and my husband) to have different interests than it might be for more outgoing people. We’re used to solitary activities so it’s not such a big deal if we’re not doing everything together all the time.

I think this is a good point. Two introverts may have it easier because they are used to doing things that don’t require someone else’s (name removed by moderator)ut. However, this would be more difficult if one person is an extrovert and needs the “cooperation” of the introvert to feel connected. That is something to consider when choosing a spouse and not one of the things that will magically change after marriage.