How much did you spend on your wedding?

[ToeInTheWater]

I’ve noticed a number of posts recently by people asking if it’s OK for Catholics to have a civil wedding first and convalidate later, and often state this is the case because they want to gain the civil benefits of marriage such as health insurance benefits, but “can’t afford to pay for a Catholic wedding”. Some also seem to think the “6 month pre cana” is too onerous.

But regarding the financial issues, I am curious as to how much Catholic weddings usually cost, as opposed to non-Catholic weddings.

 

[Blessedwithfive]

The cost for our church 450.00
Music 200.00 and you can’t have your own person with out paying the 200 as a noplay fee
Plus donations for the priest and servers.

Our total so far for my daughters wedding is 12,000.00. The caterer is the most at 7000.00
We are planning for 125 people.

 

[silver_moon]

I got married almost 20 years ago. We had a small wedding of about 50 guests. My husband says it was maybe $5000.00. I thought it was more like 10,000 with other expenses (photographer, cake, dress) as well as venue and stipend to church/priest/musicians. But it was something like that.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve noticed a number of posts recently by people asking if it’s OK for Catholics to have a civil wedding first and convalidate later, and often state this is the case because they want to gain the civil benefits of marriage such as health insurance benefits, but “can’t afford to pay for a Catholic wedding”. Some also seem to think the “6 month pre cana” is too onerous.

But regarding the financial issues, I am curious as to how much Catholic weddings usually cost, as opposed to non-Catholic weddings.

We paid $600ish total for our wedding but that was 17 years ago. That was two gold rings, a new dress (should have shopped harder and gotten something prettier, but it was OK), a small bouquet, a store cake, a homemade lunch for a handful of friends, and a check for $150 to the parish (I screwed that up, because it should have been made out to the pastor). It was kind of a Catholic elopment deal, though, as a key relative decided to boycott the wedding, so we decided just to get married in our current town, rather than do the big splashy hometown wedding I had envisioned. We were both graduate students at the time and together made in the low $20s (probably around $24k). We paid for it all ourselves but we also got nice cash gifts from my family, which furnished our newlywed apartment with IKEA stuff (I got married not owning even a spoon). A year later, my in-laws funded a trip to see the grandmas in Eastern Europe (we also saw my sister in Germany and my husband did some academic work with a collaborator)–that was a very nice gift.

Our parish then didn’t ask for a dime from us, which I quite appreciate (and we had individual marriage prep, which was very good). As I mentioned, I did botch the check to the parish–it should have been written to the priest, but I didn’t know these nuances at the time.

I have heard horror stories here, though, about parishes that demand large sums from everybody for the wedding itself, rather than use of a parish hall for the reception. It’s understandable why they do it (people parachuting into their pretty church and then disappearing), but it’s not ideal.

 

[Kelfa28]

Roughly $4000 for everything.

I think it cost about $400 for the Church and another $200 for the musician…add in a Church donation.
I’m not sure of the exact cost because hubby wrote the check.

My dress was $500. We also had tux rentals. Flowers were done by our local supermarket and the cake was absolutely delicious but not a “wedding cake”.

We had a reception at a local restaurant that was down the street from the Church. It had an upstairs reception hall with a bar and an outdoor, private deck. The deck had some of the best views of the Atlantic ocean in town.
We didn’t even bother to do any decoration. Just white table cloths on the tables. We figured everyone would rush outside to enjoy the deck. It was a gorgeous day and that was what everyone did.
The DJ was the best friend of one of our Groomsman. He did our wedding for about $300.

We did a buffet for dinner and it was all self-serve…so, we had no assigned seating and everyone could sit wherever they wanted and move around.
I think the food and hall rental cost about a $1000? Honestly, I can’t remember. It wasn’t that much, though.

Our photographer was a family friend who had an amazing camera and just took a ton of pictures of everything. She did it for free and gave us duplicate copies of everything she took.

That is about it.

We didn’t go into debt and paid everything up front in cash. No planner…in fact we didn’t have a plan at all. We secured a huge part of the wedding really late…some were done days before we got married.

Everyone had a great time and it was loads of fun.

I’m floored when I hear about budgets for the average wedding.
You don’t need to spend that much to have a nice wedding and you can actually have a wedding too…without thinking you have to give up everything to do so.

 

[Xantippe]

Going forward, I am somewhat tempted to just hand each young adult child a check and tell them to do whatever with it–wedding, car, house downpayment, furniture, etc.

 

[1ke]

I am curious as to how much Catholic weddings usually cost, as opposed to non-Catholic weddings.

I’m curious to know why you think there’s a difference.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m curious to know why you think there’s a difference.

City hall costs almost nothing.

Church weddings are probably very different in cost from parish to parish and church to church, even within denominations. You hear about parishes that charge nothing for the wedding, and churches that ask for fairly substantial amounts of money–not for use of the parish hall (that’s totally understandable), but for a wedding Mass. (We had a lively discussion in the past year where somebody from one of those parishes was defending the practice on the grounds that the couple can always just exchange vows in the pastors’ office for free. Mmmhmm.)

 

[1ke]

City hall costs almost nothing.

And neither does a priest or deacon, two witnesses and an exchange of vows. That isn’t the question the OP asked. The OP asked about weddings, not trips to city hall.

Church weddings are probably very different in cost from parish to parish and church to church, even within denominations.

Yes, there is certainly no answer to the question, because it varies from place to place. But again, it’s not a Catholic vs. non-Catholic question. It’s simply a question of what people spent on their weddings, which can be anything from zero to $1 million dollars or more. It has nothing to do with being Catholic or non-Catholic.

You hear about parishes that charge nothing for the wedding, and churches that ask for fairly substantial amounts of money–not for use of the parish hall (that’s totally understandable), but for a wedding Mass. (We had a lively discussion in the past year where somebody from one of those parishes was defending the practice on the grounds that the couple can always just exchange vows in the pastors’ office for free. Mmmhmm.)

And so do non-Catholic churches.

Google Second Baptist Church Houston wedding packet.

 

[InigoMontoya]

I’ve noticed a number of posts recently by people asking if it’s OK for Catholics to have a civil wedding first and convalidate later, and often state this is the case because they want to gain the civil benefits of marriage such as health insurance benefits, but “can’t afford to pay for a Catholic wedding”. Some also seem to think the “6 month pre cana” is too onerous.

But regarding the financial issues, I am curious as to how much Catholic weddings usually cost, as opposed to non-Catholic weddings.

I think you could exchange the concerns over the costs of a “Catholic Wedding” for that of a “Traditional Wedding”. The costs of a traditional wedding now exceed $30,000!

2014 Wedding Cost Statistics

The above link has some really well compiled info on traditional wedding costs, and it can be shocking.

My wife and I married just a few years ago, and while I never thought it would be possible our wedding costs exceeded their estimations on almost every single line item that we had. Traditional weddings can cost a fortune. That being said, there are alternatives to having gorgeous reception halls, professionally catered meals for guests, and inviting 100-200 friends and family members. There’s nothing wrong with renting a KofC/VFW hall and having a potluck or simply having a beautiful wedding with just a small number of close friends and family perhaps even outdoors in a park or on the beach.

I remember being absolutely floored at some of the quotes we received for various vendors we spoke with! With even being more shocked, that with the prices they charged… how far they were booked out for! The wedding industry is massive and with massive profits for those who can provide dream level services.

 

[Kelfa28]

There’s nothing wrong with renting a KofC/VFW hall and having a potluck or simply having a beautiful wedding with just a small number of close friends and family perhaps even outdoors in a park or on the beach.

I’ve been to a lot of weddings.

By far…the most fun I’ve had at a wedding were the laid back, BBQ, outdoor and/or done at a VFW hall.

Pick your own seating, buffet, a bar and good music with a place to dance. That is all you need for a good time.

 

[GrowingFaith]

I’m getting married in December, and our wedding will cost around $10,000. Most of that is for the reception, her dress, rings, etc. As far as how much the parish is charging, it’s about $700-$800, including music, the sacramental marriage preparation class (which was EXTREMELY helpful, in my opinion) and the use of the church, among other things. If The couple isn’t intent on having a large, “flashy” ceremony, it can be done for $1000, or even less.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I’m curious to know why you think there’s a difference.

So far it seems it’s more an issue of “fancy Church wedding vs. cheap civil wedding” than a Catholic vs. non-Catholic thing.

The way I asked my question the way I did, is because I noticed some actual Catholics seem to think it is justifiable in some cases to have a civil wedding first, while they save up all the money they seem to think they “have to” spend on a Catholic wedding. Not to mention the many couples who just cohabitate without any wedding, though I realize per Catholic belief there’s no real difference between cohabiting and being civilly married. Many such couples rationalize being “permanent fiancés” by claiming “we just can’t afford to get married”, some even after having kids together.

Personally I’ve been to “traditional” fancy weddings as well as really cheap weddings such as one where members of a church actually had a potluck lunch after the wedding, the couple didn’t need to spend any money on food at all. The food was set out on picnic tables, everyone sat in plastic chairs, and IMHO that was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had at a wedding.

I’ve also been to fancy wedding receptions of couples who had civilly married months or even years before.

Also, I seem to be very odd but IMHO I really haven’t spent much time fantasizing about a fancy “perfect wedding”. In my experience, many of the bridezilla-types who insist on that wind up divorced a few years later.

But on the other hand, I recently ran into an old friend from high school who is Chinese, who essentially eloped with a non-Chinese husband in college and was married by a judge. They’ve actually been married the longest that I know of, out of any of my HS friends.

(Although interestingly, years later when she and her husband could afford it, she did have a fancy traditional Chinese wedding to appease her family. In her case it wasn’t even about having a “Church wedding” but rather bowing to cultural expectations.)

ETA: Kelfa28 I didn’t see your post before I posted mind, but I totally agree. For some reason I’ve never really dreamed about a big fancy wedding with hundreds of guests. A nice intimate get-together with family and friends is what I’d prefer, though of course I’d take other people’s wishes (including the actual groom) into account as well.

 

[Xantippe]

The way I asked my question the way I did, is because I noticed some actual Catholics seem to think it is justifiable in some cases to have a civil wedding first, while they save up all the money they seem to think they “have to” spend on a Catholic wedding.

**We did have a civil wedding first, for complicated family reasons that didn’t have anything to do with money. At least one prospective in-law was planning on boycotting our Catholic wedding so we were thinking about delaying the wedding, but then the Protestant side of the family started getting stroppy about the delays. So the idea was to have the civil wedding to shut up the Protestants, and then have a Catholic wedding for ourselves, on our schedule. That turned out to be one month after the civil wedding, still without the boycotting Catholic relative–thank goodness our Catholic pastor was flexible. There wasn’t any hanky panky until after our Catholic wedding.

I probably wouldn’t do it that way again, if I had it all to do over again, because of the issue of scandal, but we were very young, broke, and under HUGE pressure from both sides of the family–pressure to get married and pressure not to get married, plus I was in an incredibly stressful graduate program. My prospective in-laws were very negative about me and were all, “In the old country, two year engagements are traditional!” and “In the old country, very small weddings are traditional!” (Yeah, right.) You can imagine how those speeches went over with my American family…It would have been very stressful to put together a big hometown wedding and to have the in-laws (or some of them) boycott the wedding or to have both families in the same space, so it was a relief to skip that.

At the time, I intended to do some sort of thing in my hometown for family and friends, perhaps an anniversary party (as recommended by Judith Martin), but it never materialized. I survived without it, though.

**

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Xantippe, I understand that there may sometimes be extenuating circumstances, such as yours, for Catholics to have civil weddings. I have friends and family who serve in the Army, and I have also heard the Church also condones such marriages is if one of the prospective spouses serves in the armed forces and is about to be deployed. For various reasons including the possibility that the soldier spouse might not actually return alive. …

What I am also curious about is, is it considered a sin for Catholics to marry civilly if they do NOT consummate the marriage until after the Catholic wedding? Or would it still be a sin to do so without an official dispensation? Or does this differ by locale, as I know in some countries religious figures are not legally allowed to act as agents of the State to conduct weddings.

And while IMHO I tend to think people who claim they can’t afford to marry to justify cohabitating are just rationalizing, especially those who have lived together for years, have children, or even actually refer to themselves as husband and wife, I do want to be charitable as well.

This reminds of a conversation I recently overheard at work between a woman I know has had 2 kids by different men, is not legally married to her current partner though she does live with him, and has even told me she never wants to marry anyone, and a male colleague, who were discussing childcare issues. The gentleman assumed the woman’s partner was her husband, and referred to him as such. What was interesting, is that she never corrected him.

 

[TheCronks1979]

It seems to me that if a couple isn’t planning to live as man and wife until after their Catholic wedding, what’s the point of having a civil wedding at all then?
And if a couple is planning to live as man and wife after a civil wedding but before their Catholic wedding, regardless of the explanation for a delay, it’s a sinful situation. A couple who truly wants the sacrament of marriage but can’t afford a big wedding can still be married in the Church. I think priests discourage exchanging vows in the office because in our belief, an important part of a wedding is to state our vows before our community, our family. But a Church wedding is always doable. If a couple can’t afford the fee and music fee for the church, they can always talk with the pastor about that. He might counsel them that if they are in dire financial straits, they may want to attend to that issue before embarking on a new marriage. Then again, he may not.

It seems like a couple that has a private civil wedding and puts off the Church wedding until they can afford a dream wedding may not really long for a sacramental marriage, or may just want to keep their options for a big wedding open without waiting to marry.

 

[Peregrinans]

We got married almost 26 years ago and it was not expensive at all. We spent about $100 on rings, $400 on my dress, $200 for the church, and about $50 back at the house for a party tray of cold cuts etc. My parents helped us with the dress, church and the party tray.

My brother and his first wife went all out. They spent over $10,000 (which was a lot of money in the mid-80s) for their big church wedding and fancy reception. So, you can do it frugally or extravagantly, it is what you feel comfortable with.

 

[James214]

My wife went through RCIA last year and we had the wedding mass for our convalidation Saturday after Easter. We were without an extra dollar at the time. My wife got her dress online for about $45, and we spent about $25 for her to make tasteful paper flower arrangements. She bought me a tie and I bought her an ornate cross to wear with her dress from the thrift store. There might have been a couple of other small expenditures but I don’t think we spent over $100 which is really fortunate since e had to save for that. Of course we already had rings. Our parish asked for nothing and the choir donated their services. The deacon who prepared the ceremony and cleared us to marry kept dodging any probing question I had about whether it was appropriate for me to make a gift, etc. For our reception we served a meal at a men’s shelter for recovering addicts and alcoholics.

[SIGN] Viva Jesus![/SIGN]

 

[MaryT777]

Going forward, I am somewhat tempted to just hand each young adult child a check and tell them to do whatever with it–wedding, car, house downpayment, furniture, etc.

That’s exactly what a friend of our family did. He handed each child a check when he felt the time was appropriate and they all used it in different ways. I thought that was a wonderful idea.

Mary

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’ve noticed a number of posts recently by people asking if it’s OK for Catholics to have a civil wedding first and convalidate later, and often state this is the case because they want to gain the civil benefits of marriage such as health insurance benefits, but “can’t afford to pay for a Catholic wedding”. Some also seem to think the “6 month pre cana” is too onerous.

But regarding the financial issues, I am curious as to how much Catholic weddings usually cost, as opposed to non-Catholic weddings.

We spent less on our wedding than anyone we know. I forget how much I spent on my wife’s rings, although I wasn’t making much money at the time and I had no problem paying for them. I had them paid off long before the wedding and never considered them part of the cost. Mine cost $75. I think her dress was $200. We wanted a full church wedding but a modest, low cost reception. We knew the wedding itself wouldn’t cost much because aside from the $150 to the priest, everything else was being handled by friends. My in-laws demanded something lavish and had plans that would have run close to six figures. Then they sprung it on us that they expected my parents to pay for it all. My parents said no and their lavish plans suddenly did a 180. For several months they said they weren’t going to pay for anything. We forged ahead and managed to secure the reception hall (the owner’s a family friend and we got it at a huge discount–$75, which was mainly to cover the cost of the clean-up), photographer (family friend, $100), DJ (family friend, free) and rehearsal dinner (family friend, $200).

At that point my in-laws objected to what we had lined up and agreed to split the remaining costs with my parents as long as my parents agreed to their plans. My parents refused until they heard details. My in-laws side was cut rate and would have cost about $2000, while they expected my parents to chip in about $80,000. You can imagine how that went over. My dad finally agreed to buy the beer ($300) and pay for the open bar ($150). That was mainly because nobody liked my plan, which was to have half the amount of beer and no mixed drinks (although that would have prevented lots of other problems I won’t go into). My father-in-law refused to go with my choice of caterer (a family friend who was going to do the whole thing including the cake for $800 if I paid, $1200 if he paid). He ended up paying $2500 for the caterer and cake. Oh, and I had a coupon for my tux rental, which brought that down to $100, so I believe our total bill was about $3850 ($2000 more than if I’d handled it all).

We have two friends who got married around the same time as us who spent around $5000 on their weddings. Everyone else I know spent at least $12,000. One relative spent more on just one of their hor d’oeuvre tables than we spent on our whole wedding. That person wouldn’t tell us the total cost but they took several of us through and pointed out how much each thing cost (kind of a rubbing our noses in it type thing). I left the little tour when it got up to $30,000. The last few weddings I went to were unexpected. They took place at a regularly scheduled Mass and cost the young couples whatever they gave the priest (one I know was just $50). Each of those couples either couldn’t afford a reception or didn’t want one so the cost of the rings and the donation were all they paid. If I’d known that was actually an option, I would have pushed for that when we got married. Our daughters were present for each of those (and served at one of them), and they thought it was great. Not that I’m hoping they want that for their own weddings but…ah, who am i kidding. I’d love it if that’s all they wanted for their weddings.