How much should family history influence a marriage decision?

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I too am facing a divorce from a husband who is unable to love due to his own family upbringing. When we went into our marriage, one of the most important things to the two of us was that marriage is for life, not for divorce. And yet, here we are, nearly 15 years later, and he’s insisting on divorce. The only thing between us and the divorce is the sale of our home. He has completely checked out of our marriage.

But we also entered our marriage without a mutual commitment to God. I firmly believe that in Christ, all things are possible.

And so, in the depths of the challenges I face, I remain hopeful and pray that God will find a way to work miracles in our lives.

So, take my hopeful words to you with this in mind. I believe we can all be healed, through Christ, with time and much effort and commitment.

But even with that hopeful attitude for your boyfriend, I’m not certain that the timeline would be one that is conducive for you to have a family of your own. But I’m not there, so I recommend you get advice from someone who can meet with the two of you.

God Bless,

CARose
 
Hasikelee,

I suggest you to talk to your priest first. Ask if he could give both of you counseling and spiritual direction or if he can refer someone else to do so.

Growing up with such a background, he has lots of deep wounds inside. He himself may not realize them at the moment, but the wounds are there and they need to be healed.

CARose has many valid points in the posting. You need to realize a person with an abusive background needs lots of healing. Professional therapy will help, but the bottom line is to seek the divine healing from our Lord, and that cannot be achieved through your own prayer, you need to seek pastoral guidance.

You cannot just sit there and wonder about the situation. Make an appointment with your pastor and ask him to point direction. He may know some priest or Catholic professional who is an expert of inner healing.
 
I agree!

You need advice that goes beyond what we can give you here. You need to take action to find guidance that is Christocentric.
You need to be committed to accepting that advice and know that he has a lifetime of work ahead if he wants a healthy family life.
If you ultimately decide to take on the challenges that come with him, you are taking a risk. But as I always say, there are those who die crossing the road, so every thing we do is a risk.
Are you living the life Christ would like you to live?
That’s really the most important thing, isn’t it?

God bless,

CARose
 
Hasikelee,

Again, to help him get healed is one thing, to continue the relationship is another. Because you care for him, you want to help him, but that does not mean to linger on with the relationship.

By talking with your pastor or someone he points to, you will better know the situation and better understand yourself. You may discern more clearly that you should end the relationship. If you decide to break up, it is better sooner than later.

My advice is “always listen to your own mother”. Mother knows the best.
 
Wow, I am really sorry to hear this. I agree though with listening to your mom. I wish I had.

I married my highschool boyfriend. It turned out that he had a very abusive upbringing. I witnessed a little bit of it when we were engaged and felt really bad for him. I thought if only I could provide him with unconditional love, all would be alright. Not the case.

After 17 years of marriage, I left him last May. It was hard from day one. His mother was completely sadistic to him when he grew up and it totally influenced the way he views women. There is no getting away from it.

I wish there was some magic solution. I wish that the unconditional love of a woman could cure old wounds, but unfortunately it doesn’t seem like that ever works.

Your fiance will need counseling and he will probably also need time on his own. Young marriage is hard enough, but with a history of abuse, I think it is pretty near impossible. It seems unfair, I know, but that is the reality of it.
 
I’m probably not the “old and wise” source of advice you’re looking for… I’m a 20-yr-old college student, but I’d just like to throw in my perspective.

First- The best “Catholic Therapist” is a priest. No doubt. My boyfriend of a year and a half has suffered from problems stemming from a less-than-stellar upbringing (although they did not approach the level of abuse), and he’s extremely grateful that he sought the help of a priest, and not a secular therapist.

But mostly what I wanted to say is that I definitely don’t think your boyfriend is a lost cause. You’ve been with him for four years, are talking about marriage, and sound to have an incredibly healthy basis for your relationship. Yes, what he’s gone through in his life has hurt–a lot–but no one’s lost forever.

Love means that you always want what is best for the other person. When I was in a situation similar to yours, I knew that what was best for my boyfriend was not to cut and run because I was terrified of what might happen, but to help him find God and find himself.

We’re still discerning God’s plan for us (with the advice of a priest ;)), but I am so incredibly glad that we’ve worked through things. I’m a firm believer that no one is perfect, but that God knows who is perfect for you.

So pray, talk to a priest (both together and one-on-one), and talk to your families. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
Rach620 makes an important point. I failed to commit to keeping you in prayer. You certainly need the prayers of many to support you as you face the difficult choice(s) you have to make.

God Bless,

CARose
 
I feel for the situation you and your boyfriend are in currently. If he is willing to cut family ties and find a mentor (be it a priest, therapist, or some nice old guy in church) to SHOW him how a properly functioning family should behave, I’d say give him a chance. He needs to unlearn some thing’s he’s unintentionally picked up from his situation and replace them with good, healthy habits.

I have a friend (we’re both girls and have known eachother for ~8 yrs) that was sexually, mentally, and physically abused by her parents and brother. She has had some serious relationship issues. She almost married a porn store manager… But now she’s going to church again, is seeing good guys instead of losers, and she’s talking about her experiences to me. Believe me, I don’t want to hear them and I hate having to listen to the things that happened to her. They make me so mad. She’s using me and my family as her mentor family. She calls my dad her dad too. It’s taken a long time for her to even admit she had problems, but now that she has, the healing is an extremely long process that, in all likelihood, will last her entire life. I’m just glad that she trusts me enough to accept the little bit of help I can give her.

In short, if you think he’s worth it, he’s willing to work HARD for a very long time, you’re willing to work HARD for a very long time, and you’ve BOTH got a strong faith, stay with him imho.
 
hasikelee said:
That sounds like a good idea. How do I go about finding someone to speak with?

Also, what kind of therapy does he need to be looking into and to treat what things?

Thanks for any information.
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Call your local diocese and tell them you need to speak with a counselor. Mine charges on a sliding scale, and since I am not working, I go for free. It really helps.

The treatment plan will be determined by the counselor/therapist and what needs to be treated is not easily defined. There are many, many layers to be dealt with.

Just tell the story and the counselor will take it from there. Your guy isn’t the first one to have these difficulties, believe me!!

My brother and I had a rather unhealthy childhood. I suffered less trauma than he did. He has chosen not to marry or have children as long as my mother is still alive. She is 79, he is 48. He says that he will not subject his family to her influence. So that’s one way to handle things. Not what I would have liked, since I think having a SIL and nieces and nephews would be great, but that is how he has chosen to end the pain.
 
As a guy, your brother has the option of waiting until your mother is gone and he still has the potential of getting married and having a child later in life.

Women, despite what Planned Parenthood would have you believe, cannot put off motherhood indefinitely. We are far more fertile when young and having a child while young is also significantly more healthy. It also reduces your risk for breast cancer. And besides, we have much more energy for keeping up with a kid (or kids) when we’re young. Kids need a mom around to help them grow up, so it’s the mom’s who need that extra energy most.

CARose
 
I can very much relate to your circumstance. And I very much repectfully disagree with some of the first responders (and you mother) to just run away.

My husband grew up with physical and verbal abuse his entire life until he left the house when he could at 16. He had one instance of sexual abuse by a stepfather.

We do seperate ourselves from his family via the Army. I think it has been for the best. It sounds in your circumstance that your fiances mother is more manipulative than my husbands, my MIL simply didn’t know what else to do but beat and yell. A more permenant seperation for you in the future would be advisable.

If after four years of knowing this man, has he been manipulative or violent in any way with you? Not every bad childhood will result in a screwd up adult. My husband is a perfect example. He sees how his childhood is not what he wants for our children and his non-existant faith has sprouted and grown. My family has been a great example for him to follow.

I am not trying to over-simplify things, he does probably need therapy of some sort, but this situation does not mean you have to end your relationship. And you mother sounds like mine did, just run away. She is just scared for you and wants the best. Now I really do have a wonderful husband and great father for my children.
 
hasikelee said:
Such as I would tell him, “I’ll be there at 6PM” and if I was a few minutes late, he would breakdown and regress to a childlike state

That is a HUGE red flag. Marriage is tough even when you are a perfectly healthy sane person marrying another perfectly healthy sane person. Absolutely do not marry someone who has a meltdown if you’re a few minutes late. Not that being late is a good thing, but if he can’t something small, it doesn’t bode well for
handling the huge things life tends to throw at us.

None of us can say whether you should or should not stick with him. We don’t know him, we don’t know you. Presumably your mother knows you both, so do prayerfully consider what she says.

I’m a very nurturing person so in my early dating life I attracted a lot of needy fixer-uppers whose mantra was “you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” I truly was a sucker for that line. Being a loyal person, I tried my best to make these relationships work and spent way more time than I should have being hurt, listening to them promise to change and watching them not change. That’s not to say your boyfriend isn’t capable of changing, just a word of advice that words are cheap (however sincere) and what you need to look at are the actions. The other danger is, when you put yourself in a dysfunctional relationship or in a relationship with a person from a dysfunctional background, you begin to measure things differently and things you once would not have tolerated begin to seem normal, and when your friends and family point this out to you, you respond with “well, he only does this because…” Don’t lose yourself to his dysfunction. And don’t think he can turn his back on his family, because they are his family and roots run deep.

All of us are capable of changing, especially with God. Good people can go down the wrong road and people in the rough can get back on the fairway. But don’t get married until you can honestly say “Okay, all the correct things are in place for us to have the very best chance of having a good, healthy marriage and family life.” Don’t fudge on that, either of you.
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hasikelee said:
CaRose, what a beautiful and inspiring post. I really appreciate it.

I am unsure if I am putting this correctly, but what does he need help with? Like, what is wrong with him and needs to be fixed?

We are reading through this thread together and he wants to know what is wrong with him and what he needs to do to become a healed person who is stable and ready to be married.

If he goes to a therapist, what does he say? Thanks!
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My thoughts are that he needs to go through a process of healing and hopefully he can find a therapist who can help him with that. He needs to know that the abuse he suffered was not his fault and his parents abuse of him was wrong. If he can find a therapist who can go back to his childhood with him, affirm his goodness as child, acknowledge that his parents denied him that and do this without “blaming” his parents (so that he them feels like he needs to defend them, undermining the process) he can work toward healing and true forgiveness.

I know the whole acknowledging the parents part and yet not "blaming them sound contradictory but it’s hard to explain. Part of it is having compassion for them because they were probably abused in some way too, but not so much compassion that he forgives them before he’s truly healed because then he is still absorbing the hurt from the abuse (as if it were his fault - like he deserved it).

I hope that makes some sense. Either way, a professional should be the primary person who works throught this with him and minimally you. You may not be able to give him the unconditional love he desparately needs and it really isn’t your job to do so. I think it would be potentially destructive because you may end up “mothering” him. That wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world except for having a romantic aspect to your relationship.
 
Does he think he needs help to heal? If so, support him getting help. If he clams up when he gets upset about something, that will not magically disappear. Be prepared to live with it if he decides that behavior is OK and he doesn’t need to change.

Greg Popcak of www.exceptionalmarriages.com offers phone counseling. He’s a faithful Catholic. —KCT
 
Hasikelee,

I am sorry that you have to go through this and would like to add my experience. I am still married, now 8 years, to a man who was verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused by his parents and brothers. He truly comes from a dysfunctional family and has a poor view of women. He doesn’t like his mom, in fact, he has a love-hate relationship. His dad he calls maybe once a month now. He stopped looking for his love for his dad is rude and abusive. His mother lives only 40 minutes away and he calls her less than his dad. He will only speak to her if she calls. His brothers are the same as my husband, in that they all are immature, full of anger to rage, unsympathetic to others, hate anyone different (not my husband only because he is the only one who goes to Church) and no empathy. This is what he grew up knowing. I am surprised my husband married me, for I am hispanic, and his family calls blacks “monkeys.” I did not know this until after we were married and I visited with his dad’s side of the family. They were joking about this during dinner. I was disgusted and only could imagine what they really thought of me. My husband made it very clear to his dad’s side of the family that if they did not like that I was hispanic that he better never hear of it to his face. My dh’s mother is not like that for she is a nurse and discriminates against no one. SHe has been divorced of my husband’s dad for 20 plus years now. She stayed married to my dh’s dad for 25 years. She said she could not take the abuse anymore. Mind you I found out of all this after marriage. She told me her husband use to physically beat her and even put her in the hospital with a broken scapula. That is bad and he did this beating in front of my husband who was 4 years old at the time. My dh says he doesn’t remember, but his dad doesn’t deny beating her.

If I would have known all this and the times when we were dating anger, not being able to handle stress I would have listened to my mother. My mother and father were against us getting married. I thought I could help him and it was not his fault for his parents problems. True it is not his fault, but it affected the person he is today. He is much better than when we were first married, but I still have to deal with his anger every so often like today. He went into a rage today.

Some of the women who wrote in your thread, like dulcissima knows what I am talking about. Some are divorcing, some are still hanging in there like me, and some have been divorced after many many years of suffering the abuse.

Please, I don’t know your fiancee and don’t know how he reacts to you all the time, but really pray about this all. It could mean the difference between a happy marriage and an unhappy marriage with some happy times. My husband has gotten better with medications and therapy. It was not easy. I wanted a divorce almost every week when he would explode. He would not make sense and twist things I said to make it my fault. I was a mess in the beginning of our marriage. I thought I would loose it and go crazy. He was not this bad before we got married, but after, it was living hell the first few years. I stayed married because I don’t believe in divorce and I was pregnant. I stay now for he I love him and he tries and is getting better and I believe he will keep getting better, but it is not an easy life. My daughter is now 7 years old and is also affected by his anger. Please, think and pray about it. My husband is not one I can count on for emotional support. He can’t handle stress in little matters and he certainly can’t in big matters. Stress also makes him angrier and we know life is full of stress. When my daughter was in the ER and they told us that she could die, I had to be the strong one. He was an emotional mess. I needed him also, but he couldn’t and probably never will be able to be the strong one emotionally. I had to encourage him and when he went out to smoke, many addictions is also a way they handle stress, I just cried and only counted on Jesus to help me. My family was not there yet. Jesus was there for me.

I should have listened to my mother and family. They all told me to RUN! I did not know the life of suffering I would have to endure. Suffering was not new to me, but emotional and verbal abuse suffering is worse than my physical pain sufferings I have. I know I don’t have to stay married, and who knows if he continues like this still in 10 more years if I will get sick of it, but for now he is trying and getting better. As long as he continues to improve, I will stay married and try to make it work out also. He does have a very good side of him also.
 
Think long and hard about this before you marry this man. None of what happened is his fault, but if he is unwilling to distance himself from his family, then the problems will just keep cycling.

I am the daughter of a man who was emotionally and physically abused by his father as a child. Since my grandfather died when Dad was 15, he was never able to relate to him on an adult level; his impression of father/child relationships stopped at that point. His equally emotionally unstable older brother took over as family patriarch. As a result, as much as I love my dad, I had some very miserable times growing up. I understand that he didn’t know any better, and that it could have been much, MUCH worse, especially considering how some of my aunts and uncles behave and how some of my cousins turned out. I also understand that he loves me, did the best he could, and not all of it was bad- much of it was good. But I hated watching my parents start divorce proceedings every few years, never knowing what the outcome would be, who would be moving out when, and enduring the emotional and verbal outlashes at me as a direct result. I hated watching my mom be miserable. I hated that my dad’s family viewed her as an intruder and treated her as such. I hated being blamed for everything wrong in my father’s life during one of his outbursts. I hated feeling like the only way I was going to be able to cope was to get out of the house and stay out.

My dad really has changed, he’s mellowed out considerably and a large part of that came from dealing with his childhood issues, as well as from distancing himself from his family. I think he’s finally found peace with God and with his life. But this took the greater part of the 35 years that my parents have been married. God bless him for confronting and working through his demons. God bless Mom for sticking it out, and for blunting a lot of the anger that was directed at me. Thank God that my father would rather kill himself than lay a hand on either of us in anger. But I don’t think a child needs to be subjected to a parent’s demons. I have forgiven my father for his actions, and I understand what prompted them. However, it took me becoming an adult and leaving home before I was able to have a good relationship with my dad. I feel like I missed a lot.

If your fiance is associating your behavior with that of his mother, rest assured that he will transfer that attitude to your children when they behave unpredictably. Or he may resort to the only child-rearing methods he knows- not because he intends to harm his children, but because he hasn’t learned anything else. And if he is that closely affiliated with his family, they will meddle in your marriage. They will meddle with your children. If his mother doesn’t want him to leave her side, she will make your life hell. I hate to be so blunt but these are things you need to consider.
 
Well think of it this way. If he wants to be a good Catholic then perhaps if you are a stable person, you are the best thing for him. If not you he will eventually marry someone and that person might be the wrong person with another disfunctional family and then that realy is a recipe for disaster with the children probably being all messed up as well.
 
Hi everyone,
Thanks for responding and giving me and my fiancee much food for thought. We are going to search for someone who can give us real-life guidance and also ask my parish priest if we can take a deeper pre-cana study.

Right now, I have made a commitment to learning more about this and to learning more about how my fiancee is affected. I will wait until we have explored this together and confronted wounds, attempted to heal, etc, to make a decision. This means we are not going to be planning a marriage until we discern otherwise. I feel that a gunshot decision to marry or to break-up is not prudent right now and that this information has been revealed as a sign for us to spend more time growing in a relationship, but not marriage.

Yes, I will say that my first inclination is to decide to stay with him. He has the issue of stability to work through (as noted in the example I gave) but in reading about abuse on websites (such as examples/signs) I realized that even in his vulnerable or hurt states, he has not responded with any abuse, be it passive (cold shoulder) or agressive (yelling, banging).

I talked with him about how difficult it is to forgive parents and still honor them and he shared with me a conversion experience that had already enabled him to do so. He told me that he loves them and forgives them for everything, but he wants to learn about setting boundaries.

I also talked more with my mom. She reiterates that she loves him and that my parents wanted us to get married. But it is the parents she wants to stay away from. Again, however, I realize that you can’t marry him without his family. So this right here appears to be the real issue that I need to decide on. My fiance is strong in the faith and in fact has helped my faith to blossom. He does not show any signs of abuse or abusive tendencies. My family likes him. But then we get to the parents, scary!

Anyways, all of this post is just to let you guys know that I appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut and will be seeking guidance in the Church for him and for both of us as a couple. As of now, we will not consider marriage or breaking up, but will use our relationship as a stable foundation for learning more about this.
 
Hasikelee,

Just wanted to say that I am always impressed with the logical, realistic, and loving approach you always take. You and your fiance are in my prayers.
 
hasikelee said:
Hi everyone,
We are going to search for someone who can give us real-life guidance and also ask my parish priest if we can take a deeper pre-cana study.

Awesome! We will keep you both in our prayers. Before we got married (28 years ago) my husband and I went on an Engaged Encounter weekend. It was the best thing ever. Once we got through that it was clear to see we were on the same page with all the important things and really helped me be confident we were doing the right thing.
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