How much should physical attraction matter?

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I think when people are replying “let her go”, they are saying it for her sake, not mine.

Yes that is what I am saying. You descirbe her mental and emotional qualities to be that of an angel, you like to kiss her but are embarassed to be seen with her in public

No woman deserves that. You are obviously judging her by other people’s opinions when the reality is, these people that see you walking down the street with her are total starngers at times.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I’m sorry, but the “just let her go” stuff is silly if you ask me. That’s what dating is about, seeing what you like, who you like, giving plenty of time to be sure. Of course if you are ALREADY 100% sure that you could never ever marry her, then yeah, you would be unfairly wasting her time, but as long as there is a possibility, then you shouldn’t feel pressured to break up with her just because you aren’t sure!! I wasn’t 100% sure even up to the actual marriage with my husband! I got up to about 95% or 99% though (LOL) so don’t decide everything in one night for goodness sake!!..

Right, and even if he decides he is 100% sure, there can always be surprises.

Still, he does have to realize that if he doesn’t appreciate her, he ought to free her to find someone who does. It is natural to see that someone is “good enough” and still wonder “is she right?”, but this “is she good enough?” stuff doesn’t really wash. She deserves better than that, and if it goes on for long, she is going to pick up on it.

He’s not talking about “can I get used to her weight?”—which could be anything from “can I get used to his love for Sanka?” or “can I get used to her cats?” or “can I endure that woman as a mother-in-law?”–but talking about going into public and thinking “I can do better than this”. That isn’t right. He’s going out with her and feeling not the awareness of a mismatch or cruelties coming from her that he is not aware of when they’re not around others, but feeling something akin to shame! That just isn’t right!

 

[AnaTurin]

I sympathize with him.

I feel like when he is in public thinking “i could do better than this”, it is a symptom not of his own shallowness per se, but of a fallen world in general.

What I mean is that especially in “western” society, we have elevated physical attractiveness to cultic proportions, I would say we have SURPASSED the Pagan Greeks worship of physical beauty/perfection. Unless someone is a complete hermit, there are aspects of this that have rubbed off on EVERYONE, whether we are conscious of it or not.

SO, I feel that this aspect of him could and should probably use a bit of renewing of his mind, and this is something that could change how he perceives his relationship to her.

Now, I’m not at all saying that physical appearance in unimportant to a relationship. One reading of Song of Songs should remind anyone that attraction is an important element of romantic love.

BUT, there are extremes to almost anything. Vanity and lust often go hand in hand. So to be overly vain about appearances, expecting only “perfection” of oneself and others is to me very carnal and worldly. But to appreciate the beauty of others, in an objective and certainly subjective sense, is really an admiration for God and His creation.

 

[starryheart]

In HS I wasn’t the prettiest thing. My best friend and me both liked each other. He however didn’t give me the time of day " cause he could do better." Needless to say about a year later after a big fight about my great personality but my decent looks, I met my to be husband. My best friend said to me a few years back “I wish I would’ve given you a chance.” He isn’t married cause he hasn’t found the one. (I’m not saying this will happen to you.)

While I agree that there should be a degree of attraction that should’t be the foundation. Only you know what to do.

 

[EasterJoy]

…My best friend said to me a few years back “I wish I would’ve given you a chance…”.

Maybe in retrospect you’re not so upset that he didn’t deign to do so?

IMHO, it’s better to find somebody who doesn’t find affection such a stretch. Had your friend waited and then come with hat in hand because he realized there was a pearl of great price right in front of him, that would have been an entirely different foundation for a marriage than “well, yeah, I could have done better…” Better to have your eyes open and then pursue than to risk (so to speak) wasting caviar on someone who may never acquire the taste.

 

[starryheart]

Maybe in retrospect you’re not so upset that he didn’t deign to do so?

IMHO, it’s better to find somebody who doesn’t find affection such a stretch. Had your friend waited and then come with hat in hand because he realized there was a pearl of great price right in front of him, that would have been an entirely different foundation for a marriage than “well, yeah, I could have done better…” Better to have your eyes open and then pursue than to risk (so to speak) wasting caviar on someone who may never acquire the taste.

I’m happy he let me go. At that time I was so heartbroken though.

I’m not sure what the OP should do, but I’m praying for him.

 

[EasterJoy]

I sympathize with him.

I feel like when he is in public thinking “i could do better than this”, it is a symptom not of his own shallowness per se, but of a fallen world in general.

What I mean is that especially in “western” society, we have elevated physical attractiveness to cultic proportions, I would say we have SURPASSED the Pagan Greeks worship of physical beauty/perfection. Unless someone is a complete hermit, there are aspects of this that have rubbed off on EVERYONE, whether we are conscious of it or not.

SO, I feel that this aspect of him could and should probably use a bit of renewing of his mind, and this is something that could change how he perceives his relationship to her.

Now, I’m not at all saying that physical appearance in unimportant to a relationship. One reading of Song of Songs should remind anyone that attraction is an important element of romantic love.

BUT, there are extremes to almost anything. Vanity and lust often go hand in hand. So to be overly vain about appearances, expecting only “perfection” of oneself and others is to me very carnal and worldly. But to appreciate the beauty of others, in an objective and certainly subjective sense, is really an admiration for God and His creation.

Let’s be fair. The OP is not saying that no one could be attracted to her or find her positively beatiful, or that no one could prefer her over the skinny girls. He’s saying that right now he’s overly aware that he doesn’t. It’s not just what everyone else thinks; it is also what he thinks. There is a difference.

There may be someone right now dating his fit and trim future wife, and that guy may be realizing that while on the surface anyone ought to be happy with such a big-hearted, personable, and lovely girl, he cannot marry someone who is so hopeless in the kitchen! Maybe he could teach her, maybe he could learn, but when he sees the way she cooks…the girl could burn water, and she is has so much kitchen anxiety (sigh)…is it so shallow to want to find a good Catholic girl who cooks from scratch? When he saw what she brought to the potluck, he felt so ashamed of himself, but it embarrassed him…

OP, either find the girl who sets you off the way you are, or lose your baggage and come back on your knees to the one you left behind. Do not hang around the one you are with as if holding your nose and making such a big deal out of something she may never be able to change is doing her some kind of a favor. Accept her or let her find someone who can, and don’t take too much time about which it will be.

 

[EasternWestern]

I’m happy he let me go. At that time I was so heartbroken though.

I’m not sure what the OP should do, but I’m praying for him.

Thanks for the prayers.

 

[AnaTurin]

I’m wondering how old you are OP?

I’m an age discriminator I guess, since I know how I have personally changed as I have gotten older.

The girl that talked about the guy who “should have given her a chance”, well, that was HIGH SCHOOL, most likely, he was literally still a CHILD, so what can you expect?

I think if you are having doubts about this relationship every single day, then it’s probably not a good thing. I mean, what if she lost the weight? Ok, then would you suddenly be “sure” that you love her/ like her? Ok, so what if you then married her, since by your original post, she would then be “perfect”? And then, uh oh, she gains the weight back… are you going to leave her then?

I mean, if it is that much of an issue to you, then you are probably going to be difficult to please anyway. She should at least have some kind of warning about you before you lead her on and break her heart.

Also, a CLOSE friend of mine married a woman who was a dancer, and dance instructor. She was always super fit, super thin and beautiful. (i’m not saying he married her just because of these things) and i’m sure he thought she would stay that way-- if anyone knows about professional dancers it’s that they are VERY serious about their bodies, and she taught ballet too. Anyway, a few years after they married, she gained LOTS of weight (while still being a dance instructor too) and though she was still attractive, she looked nothing like the woman he married. Now they are divorced and she is skinny again. LOL
So, I guess you just never know what will happen in the looks department.

If you are attracted to the “unchangeable” things, that’s a better indicator of attraction-- their eyes, their smile, their mannerisms, personality of course, the way they treat you and others etc., their level of neatness/messiness is actually more important in my books than a few pounds on a scale. Anyway…

 

[AnaTurin]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but he wasn’t saying he isn’t attracted to her at all, just not as much as he would like to be…or he thinks he is higher ranking in attractiveness than her (to put it bluntly).

But how could there be no attraction at all if he kissed her and she was a “good kisser”? I mean, I’m sorry but I have been kissed by men I wasn’t attracted to, and it was no where near “good” in any way!

Listen, without going to much into the evolution “controversy”, let me say that it has been PROVEN that men in general tend to choose their mate based on physical appearance, especially indicators of health. These are things like age, teeth, waist to hip ratio, and various other things (large eyes).

It has been proven that women tend to choose their mate based on their potential at being a good provider. They tend to look more at things like financial prospects, job potential, stamina/strength, intelligence, integrity etc.

Yes, men and women look at other things besides these, but it is difficult to fight mother nature. So in a way, I feel like it is his ancestral instincts fighting his modern sensibilities.
Just a thought.

 

[underacloud]

There may be someone right now dating his fit and trim future wife, and that guy may be realizing that while on the surface anyone ought to be happy with such a big-hearted, personable, and lovely girl, he cannot marry someone who is so hopeless in the kitchen! Maybe he could teach her, maybe he could learn, but when he sees the way she cooks…the girl could burn water, and she is has so much kitchen anxiety (sigh)…is it so shallow to want to find a good Catholic girl who cooks from scratch? When he saw what she brought to the potluck, he felt so ashamed of himself, but it embarrassed him…

I would never have married my wife if I was looking for a good cook. She burned the first meal she ever cooked for me (and I ate it all).

If you are attracted to the “unchangeable” things, that’s a better indicator of attraction-- their eyes, their smile, their mannerisms, personality of course, the way they treat you and others etc., their level of neatness/messiness is actually more important in my books than a few pounds on a scale. Anyway…

Likewise, I would never have married her if messiness was a concern for me. OK, it is a concern, but I live with it.

These poster raise some good points. Different issues will bother different people. I think the OP mentioned that he was quite fit, so it may also be a lifestyle issue as well as physical attraction. If he is worried about an incompatibility because of her weight and food issues, that’s a fair concern. It can also be hard being with someone who has such ongoing anxieties. Some larger people are comfortable that they will never be skinny and actually exude confidence and can be very sexy. Other people of similar build worry about their weight and are embarrassed, and don’t exude confidence. Physical attraction isn’t simply about how someone looks.

 

[EasternWestern]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but he wasn’t saying he isn’t attracted to her at all, just not as much as he would like to be…or he thinks he is higher ranking in attractiveness than her (to put it bluntly).

But how could there be no attraction at all if he kissed her and she was a “good kisser”? I mean, I’m sorry but I have been kissed by men I wasn’t attracted to, and it was no where near “good” in any way!

Listen, without going to much into the evolution “controversy”, let me say that it has been PROVEN that men in general tend to choose their mate based on physical appearance, especially indicators of health. These are things like age, teeth, waist to hip ratio, and various other things (large eyes).

It has been proven that women tend to choose their mate based on their potential at being a good provider. They tend to look more at things like financial prospects, job potential, stamina/strength, intelligence, integrity etc.

Yes, men and women look at other things besides these, but it is difficult to fight mother nature. So in a way, I feel like it is his ancestral instincts fighting his modern sensibilities.
Just a thought.

I think you nailed it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but he wasn’t saying he isn’t attracted to her at all, just not as much as he would like to be…or he thinks he is higher ranking in attractiveness than her (to put it bluntly).

But how could there be no attraction at all if he kissed her and she was a “good kisser”? I mean, I’m sorry but I have been kissed by men I wasn’t attracted to, and it was no where near “good” in any way!

Listen, without going to much into the evolution “controversy”, let me say that it has been PROVEN that men in general tend to choose their mate based on physical appearance, especially indicators of health. These are things like age, teeth, waist to hip ratio, and various other things (large eyes).

It has been proven that women tend to choose their mate based on their potential at being a good provider. They tend to look more at things like financial prospects, job potential, stamina/strength, intelligence, integrity etc.

Yes, men and women look at other things besides these, but it is difficult to fight mother nature. So in a way, I feel like it is his ancestral instincts fighting his modern sensibilities.
Just a thought.

Run on sentence…I meant not that he doesn’t find her attractive at all, but that he doesn’t prefer her over skinny girls. Actually, though, he did say “I am not that physically attracted to her” and “the physical attraction isn’t as strong as I’d like it to be” and even “gosh-darned it, her appearance is a turn-off”. If I read that about myself, I wouldn’t conclude that he sees me in the top ten or even the top one hundred. I’d wonder if he closes his eyes while kissing me because he has to close my eyes so he can forget what I look like. I’m thinking the OP would take that exact wording back, but honestly, I’d want to hit him. He would not be my first choice when I’d actually dropped the 60 pounds, either!

It would be tactless for him to disclose any of this to her, particularly since he does actually realize that the reasons are either his to concern himself with or the caprice of fate or nature that have nothing to do with her real worth, which he realizes is on the “opportunity of a lifetime” level. There is a reason human beings are not actually able to read each other’s minds. The race would have been killed off by now.

 

[AnaTurin]

goodness, I don’t mean he should say “I like you but you are too fat for me” or something like that!

i was thinking something more super generic that wouldn’t hurt her feelings, like, " I really like you, but i want to take things slowly" or something of that nature.

I could be wrong, but he sounds very young, maybe not even old enough to be considering marriage right now anyway

 

[EasterJoy]

goodness, I don’t mean he should say “I like you but you are too fat for me” or something like that!

i was thinking something more super generic that wouldn’t hurt her feelings, like, " I really like you, but i want to take things slowly" or something of that nature.

I could be wrong, but he sounds very young, maybe not even old enough to be considering marriage right now anyway

There is a reason generic break-offs are popular. They hurt, too, but other ways can hurt a lot worse.

I think his girlfriend might be very serious, and I worry for her welfare if he dawdles around in his head while his lips are going at hers full steam ahead. He is sending marriage signals, and he currently doesn’t want to marry her. He could really hurt her if he doesn’t at least slow things down substantially.

 

[PatriceA]

goodness, I don’t mean he should say “I like you but you are too fat for me” or something like that!

i was thinking something more super generic that wouldn’t hurt her feelings, like, " I really like you, but i want to take things slowly" or something of that nature.

I could be wrong, but he sounds very young, maybe not even old enough to be considering marriage right now anyway

I have the opposite opinion, the OP sounds older and of the age to be considerng marriage.

I think the OP needs to break things off with the girlfriend. “Taking things slowly” isn’t going to fix this problem. I agree with EasterJoy, he’s sending the girlfriend mixed messages and for her welfare (and his), he needs to set both of them free to be able to find people that appreciates them for ALL their attributes. Although I don’t agree with the OP’s focus on weight and the emphasis on how he could “do better”, if that’s what is important to him, so be it. Find a potential spouse that puts the same emphasis on appearances and let the girl find someone that can see her for her beauty now, not after she loses the weight if that happens.

 

[Maria1212]

Dear OP,

I think it is important to “feel a spark” for the person you are dating. If you have kissed her, and think she is a good kisser, it sounds like you do feel a spark for her and that maybe your insecurities about other perceptions are conflicting with the attraction you feel. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Have you tried praying about it? Can you see yourself married to her? If you don’t feel you can love her in that way (emotionally and physically) then it is time to let her go.

Looks are just on the outside but it is important to feel physically attracted to the person you are married to. If you are having doubts then it might be time to let you go. But I would pray hard about it first.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[EasternWestern]

Dear OP,

I think it is important to “feel a spark” for the person you are dating. If you have kissed her, and think she is a good kisser, it sounds like you do feel a spark for her and that maybe your insecurities about other perceptions are conflicting with the attraction you feel. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Have you tried praying about it? Can you see yourself married to her? If you don’t feel you can love her in that way (emotionally and physically) then it is time to let her go.

Looks are just on the outside but it is important to feel physically attracted to the person you are married to. If you are having doubts then it might be time to let you go. But I would pray hard about it first.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

Thanks, this is a sweet response.

Here is my take, having reflected on what others have said:

1. I kissed her, and liked it. That tells me that there is a measure of physical attraction. This is not negligible.
2. I don’t think it is superficial that I am concerned about weight. Physical attraction DOES matter, so people shouldn’t be hasty in calling me shallow (and from previous posts, it doesn’t appear to be the case very much, anyway). After all, everyone has a weight threshold: most of us wouldn’t want to marry a 300 lb. person, for example. The beef people here have with me—and rightfully so—is my insecurity regarding other people’s perceptions.

3.) Weight is a changable thing. I don’t know if I can be diplomatic about bringing it up, but a previous poster suggested going to the gym together. But no guarantees, I know…

1. If she really is all that I say she is, that’s rare. I could potentially be squandering a golden opportunity. After all, it’s hard enough even finding someone who is a devout Catholic these days.

Thanks for all the posts so far.

 

[Paddy1989]

Okay, I’d like to address the bolded points.
1.) The whole “when we’re in public” thing is problematic in my opinion because it speaks volumes about your own insecurity. It seems to me that if you are feeling this way in public, you are afraid of what people might think of you and you have no qualms about shunting your girlfriend under the bus so to speak, in favor of how you believe society views her. No matter who your girlfriend is, you should be proud to show her off in public and you shouldn’t let people’s pettiness get in the way of your relationship.

2.) The fact that she’s trying to lose the weight shows you that she cares about health. She sounds like a wonderful person who was given this cross to bear in life. No one is perfect, and if this issue really bothers you, you have a couple of options. You could break up with this girl, but just know that if that’s the case, she deserves better. You could try and join a gym with her, or maybe just eat healthful foods. You know, it’s difficult to lose weight because for the most part, it is caused by emotions. If she’s feeling your reluctance to become close with her because of her weight, this could in turn, drive her to eat more for depression/anxiety. The least you could do is be supportive of her, not only with encouraging comments, but by actions. Understand that this issue is one of the most difficult ones, and that she’s trying her best. She’s only human, and again, no one is perfect.

3.) The fact that you say she’s a good kisser shows that there is some attraction on your part. Bottom line is that if you truly care about someone, something this trivial shouldn’t matter. Especially if that person is as great of a catch as you have said that this girl is.

How does she deserve better simply because he is unattracted to her, this whole “you should find someone attractive no matter what” is down right silly and is usually put forward by over emotional women. Your emotionally blackmailing him where he is meant to feel guilty if he doesn’t pursue her because he is unattracted to her. If a man say’s he like’s “BIG” women he’s usually praised especially by women as they see him as being less superficial but here’s the reality, all people are different on what’s attractive and him saying he is attracted to an overweight women and prefer’s women who are like this is being FAR more selfish than the man who say’s he want’s a women in a healthy weight range. Why? Because he desire’s a woman who is unhealthy and putting her body under alot of stress but yet doing so this mean’s nothing to him, if he find’s it attractive that’s all that matter’s.

 

[EasterJoy]

How does she deserve better simply because he is unattracted to her, this whole “you should find someone attractive no matter what” is down right silly and is usually put forward by over emotional women. Your emotionally blackmailing him where he is meant to feel guilty if he doesn’t pursue her because he is unattracted to her. If a man say’s he like’s “BIG” women he’s usually praised especially by women as they see him as being less superficial but here’s the reality, all people are different on what’s attractive and him saying he is attracted to an overweight women and prefer’s women who are like this is being FAR more selfish than the man who say’s he want’s a women in a healthy weight range. Why? Because he desire’s a woman who is unhealthy and putting her body under alot of stress but yet doing so this mean’s nothing to him, if he find’s it attractive that’s all that matter’s.

I don’t think “she deserves better” necessarily means she deserves a better person! I didn’t mean it that way! When I said “she deserves better”, I mean she deserves a better situation.

I’ve had a guy tell me he could never date me because he thought I was smarter than he was. Other guys will say they were attracted to their wives because the admire their wives’ intelligence. Some women want a husband who is ambitious. Others positively do not want someone who is ambitious. Some people want someone who takes the trouble to dress and groom themselves meticulously, and feel that those who don’t lack a certain respect for the people who have to look that them. Others don’t want that, saying it wastes money and makes the person “high maintenance.” Some women want hunters, others do not want hunters.

Look at the work of Peter Paul Rubens, and you’ll see that some first-rate artists see the highest beauty in women who are carrying far more pounds than today’s models (who would unfortunately look like symbols of death, if they were plunked naked into a Rubens scene, particularly the ones who have teeth removed to achieve that “gaunt” look). Some can say that “look” is unhealthy, and perhaps it is, but the truth is that for some people, their genes probably dictate that they’ll look something like a Rubens painting at their best.