How much should physical attraction matter?

[Marc_Anthony]

I don’t think it is superficial that I am concerned about weight. Physical attraction DOES matter, so people shouldn’t be hasty in calling me shallow (and from previous posts, it doesn’t appear to be the case very much, anyway). After all, everyone has a weight threshold: most of us wouldn’t want to marry a 300 lb. person, for example.

But you started dating her in the first place. If she was over your “weight threshold”, why did you even consider?

You and her seem to have chemistry, and you said she’s perfect for you in every way. If you’ve discovered this and weight is still your hang-up, well, that’s a problem, but for you, not her.

 

[Debora123]

Let her go.

For her sake AND yours.

The right person will come along.

 

[TrueLight]

If, while you’re dating her, you feel a little embarrassed of her and are wondering if you are attracted to her, then what is going to happen after you get married?

By the way, just because she is skilled at kissing and you enjoy it doesn’t mean you are physically attracted to her on a whole.

 

[EasterJoy]

If she’s as perfect for you as you claim in all of these ways yet you have reservations about her because of physical attractiveness then honestly, and I’m going to sound harsh here, you should probably break up, because you’re not mature enough to be with her.

Somebody can be PERFECT for you in every other way, and being overweight is your hang-up?

You don’t think this sounds just a LITTLE shallow?

I would prefer to put it that he tried to overrule the lack of a gut attraction for the obvious gain of finding someone who “checked off all the other boxes”, and found that the gut attraction did not grow in as they spent more time together.

I think he could use a time-out. If he comes back, it will be because he realizes that while he might still like her to lose weight–and she may have little things about him that she would change, too!–he doesn’t care if she gains another 60, because the bottom line is that he wants to be with her. If he doesn’t come back, well, I think it was only a matter of time before he would have left. If he comes back and he lost his chance, well, that is better than second-guessing your choice of a spouse for the rest of your life.

OP: Shallow or not shallow is besides the point. You’re where you are. Accept it, and if anyone else can’t, well, they’ll have to learn to cope. If for any reason you cannot see yourself pulling the trigger and asking that lovely lady to marry you, though, quit the kissing and let it be for awhile. You are in too deep to still be considering her on pros and cons and what-if-I-could-do-better, like a piece of produce. Come back when you can make a pursuit out of it.

I know this much: If she came here upset because her man had dumped her and she suspected it was because of her weight, we’d all tell her: You may need to lose weight, but he definitely needs to go off and decide to accept you as you are and any way that you will be. If he can’t do that, you needed to let him go. As for what you’ll do if he comes back, decide that when the time comes. For right now, live your life as if you’ll not be dating again. Feel free to avoid him like the plague, if seeing him upsets you. If he comes back, start from scratch. That’s the cleanest way to handle it. You can do it; most of us have.

Oh, and if she ever finds out that the thought went through your mind while you were with her that you could “do better”, she’d either never talk to you again or she would restrain herself from physically harming you only through an act of great self-control, or both. I had a boyfriend who told me I was losing my figure when I had only put on a fraction of what she is carrying around, and it was all I could do not to deck him. I’m certainly very pleased that I didn’t marry him. (But don’t get me started on that…)

 

[paulrus]

I say be honest with her. Tell her exactly what you’ve said here. Tell her how great she is, but that in all honesty, you don’t see a future with her unless she loses some of the weight. You should say it nicely, but don’t beat around the bush either. Make it clear that you’re not breaking up with her, you just want to see some improvement and let her know that you’re willing to help her.

This course of action has two advantages: (1) you’re being honest with her and yourself and (2) if she’s like a lot of women, the act of having to prove herself to you will subconsciously make her like you even more.

If it doesn’t work, you’re no worse off than if you followed the advice of the people telling you to dump her. And you sound like you’re still young, so if it doesn’t work out time is on your side. Unlike women, men’s marriage prospects generally improve with age (up to a point).

If it does work out, you’ve secured yourself an amazing woman.

 

[Paddy1989]

Firstly, in general, attractiveness is evident within what is commonly dubbed as chemistry, something that the OP acknowledges that he has with his girlfriend. Secondly, breaking up with someone based on looks, I feel is ridiculously shallow. “Her type” is an insult to the woman. I believe that men and women alike, if they are judged based on physical appearance rather than attraction (which, again, the OP says that he is attracted to their chemistry), then they deserve better. Period. Lastly, it doesn’t matter one iota why the OP is pursuing his GF, the fact is, that he is pursuing her. The OP admits that his attraction isn’t “as strong as he would like” meaning that there is some attraction. In my personal and honest opinion, I believe that breaking up with a person based on not being attractive enough is extraordinarily petty, and I stand by my statement that if that’s the case, the GF can do better.

Didn’t he just state though that he wasn’t physically attracted to her? obviously the chemistry is limited. No-one is saying he should or will break up with her based on look’s but he obviously isn’t physically attracted to her and this is something that he can’t avoid. All people need to be attracted to their spouse’s, i don’t know what it’s like for a woman but if a man has no attraction to his wife then any notion of physical intimacy will seem like a chore. Physical attraction as i said is only based on look’s at the beginning before we get to know someone and then it’s based on the chemistry they share to the point where look’s matter little (obviously looking after oneself does matter), he obviously see’s trait’s which he is attracted to but i feel as if there just isn’t enough of a connection for his attraction to be anymore than friendly. It seem’s they might be better off being good friend’s

Also “her type” is not an insult to women, now your just being over sensitive, we all differ on what we find attractive, as i said there are men out there who would not be unattracted to a women being very overweight etc so finding someone who is attracted to us in our entirety is what we all deserve. Don’t be angry though if someone doesn’t as it just mean’s you aren’t right for each other

 

[Debora123]

Somebody can be PERFECT for you in every other way, and being overweight is your hang-up?

You don’t think this sounds just a LITTLE shallow?

No.

He shouldn’t have to feel “shallow” for not wanting to marry someone he’s not attracted to.

 

[Marc_Anthony]

To the OP-sorry for calling you shallow, other people have spoken up for you and what they’ve said makes sense. My apologies.

I do stand by what I originally said though. Break up with her. Honestly, I don’t know why you dated her in the first place if you weren’t going to marry her no matter how perfect she was for you in every other way.

I suppose you were hoping, as other people said, your “gut attraction” would grow but it still seems kind of odd to me at least that you were banking on either yourself becoming more attracted to somebody you’re not attracted to or hoping she’d lose the weight. That seems like an odd thing to hope for.

 

[PatriceA]

I say be honest with her. Tell her exactly what you’ve said here. Tell her how great she is, but that in all honesty, you don’t see a future with her unless she loses some of the weight. You should say it nicely, but don’t beat around the bush either. Make it clear that you’re not breaking up with her, you just want to see some improvement and let her know that you’re willing to help her.

This course of action has two advantages: (1) you’re being honest with her and yourself and (2) if she’s like a lot of women, the act of having to prove herself to you will subconsciously make her like you even more.

If it doesn’t work, you’re no worse off than if you followed the advice of the people telling you to dump her. And you sound like you’re still young, so if it doesn’t work out time is on your side. Unlike women, men’s marriage prospects generally improve with age (up to a point).

If it does work out, you’ve secured yourself an amazing woman.

Ridiculous. There is NO WAY the “act of having to prove herself” to the OP will make her like the OP more. I’d dump the guy in heartbeat that thought being “honest” about my weight, or any other physical feature he decided I needed to “work on”, was a deciding factor and I needed to improve myself for him to keep dating me. Either you like the person for what they are when you’re sitting across from them on a date at a restaurant, OR you don’t, period. You don’t wait and see if the improvements make you more attracted to that person. This woman deserves more and the OP needs to find a girl that he doesn’t have to change to be more attracted to.

 

[paulrus]

Ridiculous. There is NO WAY the “act of having to prove herself” to the OP will make her like the OP more.

No way at all? Really? Maybe you don’t think it would have that effect on you, but from my observations, most women seem to like men who they perceive has having a high value as a mate. By having to prove herself to him there’s a good chance she will subconsciously see him as having a higher value. Indeed, this is common in all sorts of human relationships, and happens to men, too. Psychologists have even done studies suggesting that when a person asks other people to do favors for him, it typically makes them like him more.

Of course, like I said, he shouldn’t be rude about it. But he should be confident and tell her what he wants. Women like men who are confident and know what they want. And if she’s the unusual type who doesn’t like that and she responds to his request by breaking off their relationship, well, then he’s no worse off than if he’d taken your advice.

And you say this young woman deserves more. Well, why don’t you let her decide for herself? If the OP does what I suggested, and she doesn’t like the idea, she can tell him herself.

I’d dump the guy in heartbeat that thought being “honest” about my weight, or any other physical feature he decided I needed to “work on”, was a deciding factor…

Why do you put “honest” in quotation marks? The OP said her weight was a problem and suggested that it could be a deciding factor. I’m telling him to be honest about it. Would it be better for him to lie to her, leaving her to wonder why this guy who seemed like a great match suddenly left?

 

[PatriceA]

No way at all? Really? Maybe you don’t think it would have that effect on you, but from my observations, most women seem to like men who they perceive has having a high value as a mate. By having to prove herself to him there’s a good chance she will subconsciously see him as having a higher value. Indeed, this is common in all sorts of human relationships, and happens to men, too. Psychologists have even done studies suggesting that when a person asks other people to do favors for him, it typically makes them like him more.

Asking someone to lose weight so you can become more physically attracted to them is not asking for a “favor.” Its an ultimatum.

Of course, like I said, he shouldn’t be rude about it. But he should be confident and tell her what he wants. Women like men who are confident and know what they want. And if she’s the unusual type who doesn’t like that and she responds to his request by breaking off their relationship, well, then he’s no worse off than if he’d taken your advice.

The “unusual type”? You have a very strange opinion of women. Most women I know would be totally appaulled at your suggestion that the OP asks the girl he is dating to lose weight so their relationship can continue. Perhaps you haven’t been in many relationships to know that the typical response would be to break things off immediately.

And you say this young woman deserves more. Well, why don’t you let her decide for herself? If the OP does what I suggested, and she doesn’t like the idea, she can tell him herself.

I say they both deserve more. The OP should put on his big boy pants and break things off so they are both free to find someone that is more their type.

Why do you put “honest” in quotation marks? The OP said her weight was a problem and suggested that it could be a deciding factor. I’m telling him to be honest about it. Would it be better for him to lie to her, leaving her to wonder why this guy who seemed like a great match suddenly left?

I put “honest” in quotation marks because what you call honesty is still an ultimatum. It may be truthful in legal definition, but its playing relationship games and that is NOT honesty in a healthy relationship.

 

[agapewolf]

Paulrus, you are way off.

For MEN, they like having to prove themselves. It’s in the men’s nature to pursue. This is God given, to be the initiator of gift (read song of songs). His job is to make the woman be safe in order for her to open her heart to him.

For a guy to demand that a woman pursues him is ridiculous. That would be crushing to her spirit, and against her nature.

 

[Paddy1989]

Paulrus, you are way off.

For MEN, they like having to prove themselves. It’s in the men’s nature to pursue. This is God given, to be the initiator of gift (read song of songs). His job is to make the woman be safe in order for her to open her heart to him.

For a guy to demand that a woman pursues him is ridiculous. That would be crushing to her spirit, and against her nature.

Women do like to prove themselves aswell although for men and women it’s different, for women they do so in their physical appearance and hope therefore that this is noticed

 

[Maria1212]

I don’t think the OP should be beat up so much on this thread. He came here, admitted his feelings about a very difficult topic, and is being called shallow in every other post. Physical attraction is needed in a relationship in order for it to flourish. Yes, we all change in appearance over time, but when you are in the dating stage, and have not fallen in love yet, this is an okay question to be asking oneself.

I am visually impaired and so is my boyfriend. We both have some sight and I always do my best to feel good about the way I look. I often wear make-up for him even though he might not be able to see it, but the process makes me feel good, and he likes knowing I put effort in the way I present myself to the world, because like it or not, sighted people judge people on looks whether they admit it or not. Now, this is separate from what the OP is talking about but I am writing about it to try and show that subconsciously we make judgements about people based on their appearance all the time. Is it Christian, no, but does it happen, yes.

I have a petite frame and am very physically active. I kayak, ride a bike, and recently started a sport called stand-up paddle boarding. However, I had two retinal surgeries earlier this year, that required me to stay laying face down 24/7 for an extended period of time, and once I was allowed up, my mobility was still very restricted. I gained 25 pounds in two months and am now working very hard to lose the weight. I have 10-15 pounds to go. All of my doctors have supported me in this, and reminded me why it is important to maintain a healthy weight (according to the BMI scale).

My boyfriend stood by me through it all. We both love going to the gym and it is an activity we enjoy together. He supported my effort to lose the weight, encouraged me in a kind way to get back to the gym because I was self-conscience about going there with decreased vision, and supported my efforts to eat much healthier. I was always a healthy eater but I turned to junk food, like peanut butter and chocolate ice-cream, to help me get through the weeks following the eye surgery.

There is a way to encourage and help someone lose weight, but it has to be the individual choosing that for themself and cannot be instigated by anyone else. It was horrible from an emotional standpoint to not fit in my clothes, and it is taking huge effort to work to get the weight off because my job is sedentary, but the commitment has to come from the individual with encouragement and support coming from others.

My boyfriend let me know he found me beautiful and pretty despite what he weighted but I also know when we first met he was attracted to how fit I look. He is extremely fit himself and I was attracted to this quality in him. That does not make either of us shallow.

Instead of beating up the OP, I think we need to be encouraging him to think about why her weight bothers him so much and to pray about what God’s will is in this situation. It might help him learn why her weight issue troubles him. Is it because he is worried she is not treating her body as a temple, is he concerned she has emotional or physical issues that need professional attention, or is he worried about what OTHERS think about his girlfriend’s weight. These answers can be revealed through prayer, and if he is worried about what other’s think, prayer might provide the grace he needs to overcome this insecurity for himself.

Regardless of whether physical attraction matters for each of us, rather than beating up the OP for coming here and being honest about a very difficult issue, we should be supporting him to handle the relationship in the most respectful way possible.

A lot of people might not agree with me, but I hope everyone will work to be more respectful to the OP when responding to his post.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[EasternWestern]

So I’m not going to be a hypocrite and start pretending physical attraction shouldn’t matter, but here’s what you made me wonder: if you can’t stand how she looks that much why did you even start going out with her in the first place? Especially if you know you could have done so much “better.”

We were hanging out as friends first—during which she was super-attracted to me and strongly hinted at this—but then I discovered that our personalities, interests and values were very compatible. Of course, the fact that she was so attracted to me was flattering. It was great to find someone who was so drawn to me, and who appreciated my qualities so much. She is just so amazing that I wound up looking past the looks, and I gave it a chance…and kissed her. And as Katy Peri’s song says…“and I liked it.”

 

[EasternWestern]

If she’s as perfect for you as you claim in all of these ways yet you have reservations about her because of physical attractiveness then honestly, and I’m going to sound harsh here, you should probably break up, because you’re not mature enough to be with her.

Somebody can be PERFECT for you in every other way, and being overweight is your hang-up?

You don’t think this sounds just a LITTLE shallow?

I welcome the harshness. The reason, in part, why I posted this topic is because I am agonizing over and and am guilty over this shallowness. I wish I were different.

 

[EasternWestern]

Let her go.

For her sake AND yours.

The right person will come along.

Deborah, even though I am a new member here, I have read many of your posts and I have always respected your balanced opinions.

So I need to know…why do you think so?

 

[EasternWestern]

Let her go.

For her sake AND yours.

The right person will come along.

And one more thing…I know plenty of people for whom the right person never came. Now they’re 50, male and female, and never got married. And they are sad.

 

[Marc_Anthony]

And one more thing…I know plenty of people for whom the right person never came. Now they’re 50, male and female, and never got married. And they are sad.

My Aunt is in her 50s. She’s had one boyfriend her entire life. Never been married. As far as I know a virgin, although I have no intention of asking.

You couldn’t ask for a better person. She lives in the upper story of the house with my grandmother so she can be close and help take care of her. She’s started her own charity in her area where she takes donated toys and essentials around Christmas and gives them to needy families. She is a devout Christian, and she’s paid for all of us to go see shows (plays) twice (like, 40-90 dollar per ticket shows).

She’s as happy as anybody else I’ve ever seen, and certainly perfectly content. Never, ever, ever ONCE got even the HINT that she has a problem with being single.

It all depends on your attitude. What do you need for happiness? Do you need a “Mrs. Right”? Or do you need to love others, whether it’s in marriage or out of it? Truth is, if you’re not called for it you’re not called for it. But if your focus is on love, not necessarily marriage, then you can and should be perfectly happy.

 

[EasterJoy]

And one more thing…I know plenty of people for whom the right person never came. Now they’re 50, male and female, and never got married. And they are sad.

People who feel they “settled” in their choice of a spouse–or worse yet, find out their that spouse feels that they “settled”–aren’t too happy either. As with most choices in life, you will find there is a ditch on both sides of this road.

I don’t think anyone is telling you to hold out for “perfect in every way” or anything like that. As for me, I’m not even telling you that this girl is not for you. I cannot tell you how many couples I know broke up at least once before they married! I’m telling you that putting in some distance and trying out life without her will a) not lead her on by giving her signals that you are more sure than you are and b) have this way of helping you come to a clearer decision than agonizing in the loving eyesight of someone you do not want hurt. Her absence may teach your something, too, you know.

I’m not assuming that you’re shallow. I’m assuming you want to feel a certain measure of passion for the woman you ask to be your wife. If you married a woman with a full heart, filled with attraction for her and thinking you got a great “catch”, and then your wife changed or you changed so that you thought your prospects were better elsewhere, and you started looking elsewhere for “better”…now that’s shallow. If you married with the idea that the person you marry isn’t ever going to gain weight or get old, that’s immature. But if you decided to get more serious with someone you weren’t personally that attracted to because you could see she was quality and you hoped you’d fall in love with her, and then you didn’t find that attraction growing in, I don’t see where that is shallow. If you are just struggling with a physical attraction that is lukewarm, that is not shallow. You’re chalking it up to her weight, but I’ve seen people date people who are the physical antithesis of “their type”, and it clicks, and that is all she wrote.

If, however, you find she actually does get your heart beating when you are with her, and your only concern is that she is less than you’d like as someone to “show off”…OK, in that case, grow up. What other people think of the picture of the two of you as a couple, that is something I’d try to get over, were I you. That is going to mess up every relationship you’re in, because it is built on insecurity.

Besides, the truth is that people find couples in love to be charming, even two clearly obese people. Couples who look like they belong in a catalog together but who are obviously each mostly concerned with their own looks and the admiring looks of others…not so much. Conjure up that second couple. It’s sort of pathetic, isn’t it? Mentally follow them through life…ouch, it just keeps getting more pathetic. We don’t wish that on you.

I’m guessing you don’t know what you feel. Well, we’ve given you some things to think about. Make it your primary goal to not hurt her, to not lead her on, and to not lie to her. But after that, also tend to your own needs…not just for your own sake, but because whatever you do, you may not lie to her and try to fake feelings that you do not feel, whether in word or action. That is not ethical.