How much snooping is allowed?

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In_Vino_Veritas

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I am going through a very difficult time in my marriage. I have some pretty strong suspicions, but have not verified them. How much snooping is allowed? I would love to listen to her voicemails and read her emails, but I am also worried about the backlash from that. Even if I find what I fear I might find, I fear that her response will be that I betrayed her trust by my snooping.

Please help.
 
If she is being honest then you can just ask. if she has nothing to hide, then she won’t hide anything!
 
Please, please, please I am talking from experience. It is not something that I would want anybody to go through even my worst energy. Do not snoop. Rather take a different approach suggest that you guys go for counselling. But do not snoop it will open up a can of worms that you might not be able to deal with.

You don’t know what you are going to find out and what if you are wrong. But never mind that it hurts when you find out thing that you should not have found out. Becoz if and when you decide to work things out that is at the back of you mind and then everytime she is late or does not answer her phone or you get tempted to look through her phone and things.

If you love her just take it slowly and tell her how much you love her and how much you want this to work and that you will do anything and she can trust you etc etc.

Goodluck and pray about this. I hope and pray that everything is okay and that you are wrong in your suspicions.
 
Robaynne has very good advice!

I’ve never been through this but I hope the best for you!!!
 
Before I risk snooping, I’d have a very frank discussion with her.
 
In_Vino_Veritas said:
I am going through a very difficult time in my marriage. I have some pretty strong suspicions, but have not verified them. How much snooping is allowed? I would love to listen to her voicemails and read her emails, but I am also worried about the backlash from that. Even if I find what I fear I might find, I fear that her response will be that I betrayed her trust by my snooping.

Please help.
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I’m not for snooping. I feel badly for you–you are in my prayers.
 
Well, I appreciate the prayers and advice, but I’d like a little more concrete guidance. Is there sin involved in snooping? Does it depend on how I snoop? Does she have a right to privacy that is more important than our marriage vows? Is she claims to have no secrets is gathering evidence to the contrary somehow against God’s plan for me?

I don’t want to get into the specifics of what I know; suffice it to say I know approximately what I will/would find. I just do not really know the extent of it.
 
In_Vino_Veritas said:
Well, I appreciate the prayers and advice, but I’d like a little more concrete guidance. Is there sin involved in snooping? Does it depend on how I snoop? Does she have a right to privacy that is more important than our marriage vows? Is she claims to have no secrets is gathering evidence to the contrary somehow against God’s plan for me?

I don’t want to get into the specifics of what I know; suffice it to say I know approximately what I will/would find. I just do not really know the extent of it.
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It is difficult to go forward until the truth is out.

Some say do not snoop - but what if you ask her and she lies? What if she is a good liar? Sometimes you have to present “hard” evidence.

I believe you should fight for your marriage. This is a judgement only you can make.
 
In_Vino_Veritas said:
Well, I appreciate the prayers and advice, but I’d like a little more concrete guidance. Is there sin involved in snooping? Does it depend on how I snoop? Does she have a right to privacy that is more important than our marriage vows? Is she claims to have no secrets is gathering evidence to the contrary somehow against God’s plan for me?

I don’t want to get into the specifics of what I know; suffice it to say I know approximately what I will/would find. I just do not really know the extent of it.
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😦

I am so sorry. Have you spoken to her about this? would she be willing to have your priest come to your house to talk with you both?

I will be praying. I know you are hurting, but dont rush into something without guidance from a wise council, I hope you can go to her and sit down and talk about this. If I am not mistaken, the bible tells us to go directly first to the person we have a problem with, if that results in no understanding reached, you must go to her with another person. I forgot the verse now.

God be with you and your family
 
I am not for snooping, I am for being informed and communicating though. There are some definite signs to look for if you suspect adultery. My dh’s ex for example, doesn’t let anyone touch her cell phone. I mean ANYONE for ANY REASON… if it rings, don’t dare pick it up to hand it to her… Don’t go to the phonebook in it to get a mutual friends number…etc… My dh is more than welcome to check my phonebook, my recent calls, etc… but as for voicemail… that is mine and it usually is about work so no he doesn’t check my voicemail. On the computer it is easy to get a history of where they have been on the net… but emails are out of bounds unless she shares them. If I suspected dh, I would ask first… “who was that on the phone” or “Did you get email from cousin Sue?” If you are that concerned/convinced something is going on, I would definitely ask and/or go to counseling.

Other signs I have noticed that women do that doesn’t pertain to “explicit action” like secrecy about email or phone calls…

  1. *]sudden interest in appearance
    *]wear make-up (if they are the all natural type at home)
    *]losing weight just out of the blue
    *]buying lots of new clothes
    *]Sudden interest in “visiting” a friend or family member that they know you can’t call and verify
    *]Sudden change in habit about going to visit “friends”
    *]Increased frequency of socializing time.
    *]More than usual working late or getting called into work.
    None of these things is bad or definite so to speak. More power to anyone who simply wishes to improve themselves by losing weight or buying some new clothes, but it seems that most of these things happen concurrently when a wife is cheating on her husband.
 
BlestOne,

Did you have any FBI or CIA backround?

I would hire you in a heartbeat to help me if I was looking for clues!
 
In_Vino_Veritas said:
Well, I appreciate the prayers and advice, but I’d like a little more concrete guidance. Is there sin involved in snooping? Does it depend on how I snoop? Does she have a right to privacy that is more important than our marriage vows? Is she claims to have no secrets is gathering evidence to the contrary somehow against God’s plan for me?

I don’t want to get into the specifics of what I know; suffice it to say I know approximately what I will/would find. I just do not really know the extent of it.
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I don’t think that there is anything ‘concrete’ against snooping. Many people hire P.I.'s to find out if spouses are cheating. God gave us a brain…not to be stupid, and eyes, not to be blind. If you think something is going on…I don’t think anyone would blame you for wanting to find out the cold, hard facts…then, you have something to discuss with her. If she continues to lie…and you still have these suspicions (which from what you say, sound relatively justifiable) then, what should you do? Stay in a marriage where there are lies and infidelity…indefinitely? I think that snooping for no real reason (like I have friends who do this, because they are nosy and just have trust issues) isn’t advisable…but sounds like you have a true reason. The number one reason is to not be mistaken for a fool. I think that some Catholics misrepresent how we are to be treated in a marriage…I have noticed that a lot. Being married doesn’t mean playing dumb…and being a doormat. It just doesn’t. I think if you have semi-concrete suspicions…then, ‘snooping’ would not be out of the question.

Thou shalt no snoop isn’t in the commandments…but adultery was listed.:cool: It’s not an easy thing, but if you need to know for sure, and she isn’t coming clean…I say…in this instance…to find your facts.
 
It is not sinful to do everything one can to protect and secure the marriage bond if that is the intent.

If it is not malicious in intent, then checking up on someone or making sure they are where they say they are seems appropriate and caring about the marriage and the other spouse’s well being and safety.

Wouldn’t we do the same to our teenager if we thought they were endangering themselves and/or others? We care for their physical safety and we care for their soul and we do our best to protect both.

Do what you can in concert with asking direct questions to your spouse. We wish you luck and pray for both of you and your marriage bonds.
 
I think that there is a way to find out ALOT of what is going on without snooping by talking about it and asking. Let your spouse know of your uncomfort and you might be totally off the mark but ask if you access her e-mails, voicemails, etc…for your own piece of mind.

The responce you get will tell you tons.

My prayers are with your situation.

I think a good thing for all couples to do is to have an upfront talk before marriage where all things are allowed to be looked at that might be otherwise private (to non-spouses), not only is it a trust issue but you never know if an emergency happens and pertinant information isn’t accessable because of a computer password or hidden reciepts?
That doesn’t mean the spouse should peruse everything out of nosiness but just to be able to have upfront and honest access should be matter of course.
 
Hellisreal said:
BlestOne,

Did you have any FBI or CIA backround?

I would hire you in a heartbeat to help me if I was looking for clues!
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Hahahaa!!! Nope, I was always that kid in school that did everything wrong, but never got caught… because I watched WHY others got caught. Truth is, dh and I have been through the wringer with our ex’s. Every time dh’s ex has cheated these are the things I have seen. Of course I have a total different list for cheating husbands… thanks to my ex.
 
BlestOne said:
Hahahaa!!! Nope, I was always that kid in school that did everything wrong, but never got caught… because I watched WHY others got caught. Truth is, dh and I have been through the wringer with our ex’s. Every time dh’s ex has cheated these are the things I have seen. Of course I have a total different list for cheating husbands… thanks to my ex.
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😦

Sorry.

But, the offer still stands. You are qualifyed!👍

Why do people commit this horrible sin? Knowing about HELL and all that?:confused:
 
BlestOne said:
IOther signs I have noticed that women do that doesn’t pertain to “explicit action” like secrecy about email or phone calls…

  1. *]sudden interest in appearance
    *]wear make-up (if they are the all natural type at home)
    *]losing weight just out of the blue
    *]buying lots of new clothes
    *]Sudden interest in “visiting” a friend or family member that they know you can’t call and verify
    *]Sudden change in habit about going to visit “friends”
    *]Increased frequency of socializing time.
    *]More than usual working late or getting called into work.
    .
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  1. And add belittling, jabs and other ways to put down spouse to family members to help “justify” another relationship. This is generally associated with guilt. But guilt could come from a different problem other than infidelity.

    Ask yourself: Do you want her back or do you want her out? What you want does make a difference in what you do and how you do it.
 
BlestOne said:
I am not for snooping, I am for being informed and communicating though. There are some definite signs to look for if you suspect adultery. My dh’s ex for example, doesn’t let anyone touch her cell phone. I mean ANYONE for ANY REASON… if it rings, don’t dare pick it up to hand it to her… Don’t go to the phonebook in it to get a mutual friends number…etc… My dh is more than welcome to check my phonebook, my recent calls, etc… but as for voicemail… that is mine and it usually is about work so no he doesn’t check my voicemail. On the computer it is easy to get a history of where they have been on the net… but emails are out of bounds unless she shares them. If I suspected dh, I would ask first… “who was that on the phone” or “Did you get email from cousin Sue?” If you are that concerned/convinced something is going on, I would definitely ask and/or go to counseling.

Other signs I have noticed that women do that doesn’t pertain to “explicit action” like secrecy about email or phone calls…

  1. *]sudden interest in appearance
    *]wear make-up (if they are the all natural type at home)
    *]losing weight just out of the blue
    *]buying lots of new clothes
    *]Sudden interest in “visiting” a friend or family member that they know you can’t call and verify
    *]Sudden change in habit about going to visit “friends”
    *]Increased frequency of socializing time.
    *]More than usual working late or getting called into work.
    None of these things is bad or definite so to speak. More power to anyone who simply wishes to improve themselves by losing weight or buying some new clothes, but it seems that most of these things happen concurrently when a wife is cheating on her husband.
Click to expand...

  1. I would think that these things are much better indicators than checking through email. It’s just too easy to get a new email address that could be kept secret. I really doubt if someone who was actually cheating would use a known email address for any type of illicit communication.

    I do agree with the advice that before you go looking for any evidence, you need to know what you are going to do should you find it. That should make a difference in how and to what degree you go about it.
 
If I thought ym spouse was cheating I would check into it, just as I would if I thought he were doing drugs or spending money on rediculous things on the side. Anything that puts your marriage in jeopardy is something that must be confronted. Confronting without proof would be like the police arresting someone for thinking abotu commiting a bank robbery.

So yeah, I would say, if you can handle what you find and are ready to fight for your marriage, do what you got to do. Or warn her you are about to find out - and prove it.

I am sorry, you and your wife are in my prayers.
 
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