How much snooping is allowed?

  • Thread starter Thread starter In_Vino_Veritas
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In_Vino_Veritas said:
I am just drained completely. I don’t know what to do with the information. I don’t want to divorce. I don’t know whether I can ever trust her enough to rebuild.

And my spiritual advisor is leading some stupid retreat today, so we still haven’t talked yet. i’m sure we will tonight. (Childish phraseology added for my amusement. I don’t think the retreat is stupid, and he’s a good preacher type.)
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Hi Vino–I will pray for you. This is difficult…I’m sorry you are going through this.
 
In_Vino_Veritas said:
I am just drained completely. I don’t know what to do with the information. I don’t want to divorce. I don’t know whether I can ever trust her enough to rebuild.

And my spiritual advisor is leading some stupid retreat today, so we still haven’t talked yet. i’m sure we will tonight. (Childish phraseology added for my amusement. I don’t think the retreat is stupid, and he’s a good preacher type.)
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Whatever you choose it will be hard. Some things you just have to get through, there is no way around. Its good you have a good spiritual advisor. Ask God to give you His supernatural peace and patience. I will pray for you!

… http://www.religion-encyclopedia.com/images/madonna-child.jpg
 
Snooping didn’t give me any peace of mind. I just know a little more of the truth.

She only fesses up to a part of what I know happened, but insists that it is over and done with. That is, she is minimizing what has occured. She also suggests that her actions were the result of my insensitivities. I find it hard to believe that she would accept that line from me if the tables were turned.

I have a real problem of trust right now. I am not sure which way to turn. I don’t want to be divorced but I don’t want to live like this.
 
In_Vino_Veritas said:
Snooping didn’t give me any peace of mind. I just know a little more of the truth.

She only fesses up to a part of what I know happened, but insists that it is over and done with. That is, she is minimizing what has occured. She also suggests that her actions were the result of my insensitivities. I find it hard to believe that she would accept that line from me if the tables were turned.

I have a real problem of trust right now. I am not sure which way to turn. I don’t want to be divorced but I don’t want to live like this.
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If your wife doesn’t confess *to herself *why she did it (not just to you, and not excusing her behavior and making you a scapegoat) she has a high potential of doing it again. I have seen this whole scene in action many times before. Unless someone can admit why he/she does immoral things…there is no opportunity for growth and change. I will pray for you…have you talked to your priest yet to get his advice?

You and your wife probably would benefit from counseling, indeed…but again, if she tells the counselor that it is all your fault that she did this…it will not help the marriage. She has to come clean with herself…with God. Until then, it has high potential for happening again…like an alocholic or someone who addicted to destructive behavior (which infidelity at any level is destructive)…often don’t make any progress if others keep telling him/her that he/she has a problem. It only changes when that person can admit his/her wrongdoing…and make steps to improve and then stop the behavior.

I can understand your feelings of mistrust…You have many here praying for you, just know that…and God will see you through this. I just pray for your wife that the Holy Spirit gives her the courage to confess to herself and you…and helps you both to restore your marriage.
 
In_Vino_Veritas said:
Snooping didn’t give me any peace of mind. I just know a little more of the truth.

She only fesses up to a part of what I know happened, but insists that it is over and done with. That is, she is minimizing what has occured. She also suggests that her actions were the result of my insensitivities. I find it hard to believe that she would accept that line from me if the tables were turned.

I have a real problem of trust right now. I am not sure which way to turn. I don’t want to be divorced but I don’t want to live like this.
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You’re caught in one of our lovely double standards, if a man has an affair he’s a cheating btard. If a woman has an affair she was driven to it by an unloving husband and is, as such, actually a victim. A lot of women are told this and believe it, or at the very least it works. IMHO, people that cheat on their spouses are just cheating btards without regard to their gender. It’s a tough spot but if she won’t admit to what she did, accept responsiblity for it, and be willing to do what you require to establish trust again then nothing is going to change.
 
In_Vino_Veritas said:
I have a real problem of trust right now. I am not sure which way to turn. I don’t want to be divorced but I don’t want to live like this.
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Sit down with your wife and ask her to tell you what she thinks you both need to do, to save your marriage. Tell her that your marriage is very important to you, and that you want to be the best husband that you can be. Ask her to help you be the husband that she needs.

Tell her also that this is not a one way street, and that you will also be asking her to be the wife that you need her to be - because you are not Superman, and the reason you need a wife is because you need a partner and helpmate who will carry at least some of the load - and that you both need to be travelling in the same direction in order for that to work.
 
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