How much time seperate from your fiancee/spouse is appropriate?

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In my opinion his amount of time with his friends is not excessive. However, if it bothers you than it is an issue.

I was engaged to someone who had issues with the time I spent with my family, but she was ok with the time I spent with my friends (which was not much). The time with family was not what caused us to break it off, but it surely didn’t help. I only mention it because we never really were able to come to an agreement.

Whether it is a little or a lot of time that he ends up spending with his friends, you just need to find some common ground you agree on.
 
Well, Toothfairy, let’s take this love matter from a criminal lawyer’s point of view.
  1. I see a couple of inconsistencies. For example, you say that you’re so busy with your lives that you can’t make time for each other. At the same time you say that you see no problem meeting your friends during the week so as to preserve the time for your fiance for the weekend. So what is it that makes you able to meet your friends but not your fiance during the week?
  2. Next, those whole-week busy lives consist of, as you say, 40+ hour work weeks and your errands. A 40 hour work week is the standard for normal people like mum and dad and aunts and uncles, who have managed to have a normal life (not to mention that you manage to make time for your friends). So, does something not click here or is it “your errands” that take so much time? If so, what are those errands of yours?
  3. Obviously, you don’t have a problem with his taking out some time sometimes to meet up with his friends. The problem is how often this happens, the proportion between that time and the time that remains–which you confirm later–but also, as you don’t say but seems pretty obvious anyway–the manner in which he handles the matter (i.e. how lovingly or dismissively he goes about it).
  4. As you correctly point out, there is a problem with it being twice in a month, 4.5 weekends per average month making it 44% of your expected time together, and a problem with it being a new concept and new behaviour, not something exhibited before. I don’t think he could somehow not see the problem (even if he surely might be dismissive of it).
  5. When you marry, you expect to know about facts, attitudes, opinions and so on which may affect your life together. Naturally, it’s perfectly human that a person might put up with, say, a restriction on his “guy” time, for a time and then stop being able to put up with it any more. However, as far as opinions and attitudes go, you should be able to know what’s his attitude, what kind of freedom he expects from you after marriage, whether his current habits as of this month are a coincidence or something he expects or permits to be permanent.
  6. As your relationship is personal, not just business, you don’t merely expect a business-style give and take, but it does matter to you how it’s handled and what his feelings his are. I can understand that shrugging off the halving of your shared time is not a very considerate reaction and believing (and focusing on it) that he’s in his right doesn’t make it very considerate or even just healthy either.
  7. Marriage is not about a give and take or how much you expect to give or receive. It’s a total give and total take, not in the sense that you can legally demand him to stay with you all the time but in the sense that marriage, after all, is a community of the whole life. This basically means your lives are united, not merely intertwined. Marriage is not a limited partnership. Further, charity does require some consideration of people’s feelings, not just whether we’re in our right or not, this is all the more important with people who are close to us. If he doesn’t care how you feel about it, you have a problem. Conversely, if you didn’t care how he felt about being unable to go on a skiing trip with a friend, that would also be a major problem. Generally, egoism is a problem whenever it pops up.
  8. I’m filling some gaps here, but it seems to me you have a problem that comes down to, “how important am I to him?”, possibly, “why doesn’t he have the same need for time together that I do, does he not care for me the same way I do for him or what?” Well, you don’t know how he would react if you were to take out two weekends of your monthly 4.5 without giving him any say (i.e. just communicating to him the decision). Chances are he would feel the same way about it as you do. Things do look much different from the point of view of the person who has lots of things to do than they do from the point of view of someone who very much longs to see that person. For example, in my last relationship, the ex did see things in a different light when the table turned and from being the one more interested in meeting up, I became the one less interested in keeping contact.
  9. This all said, it’s normal to need some time in solitude or with friends or family or engaging in one’s hobbies. What’s not okay is merely communicating the decision to one’s romantic partner, creating a pattern (and refusing to see that pattern) and all this without previous indications. You can’t think it’s abnormal simply that he wants to go skiing with his friend, but you can legitimately wonder why it was unilateral, whether it really is a pattern, whether he really sees it as a normal thing in a relationship, whether he had a personality change, or what else can possibly change after the wedding.
  10. You need to talk to him and you need to make your decision whether you want to be with that man or not, if you can trust him not to surprise you with further changes, not to cut you out of his life, not to make unilateral decisions and so on. And you deserve to know if he simply needs time for friends or some time to unwind or if it means he doesn’t need the time with you the same way you need the time with him. I suppose you could try no longer doing all in your power to free up the time for him but allow yourself to take a weekend or two “off” and spend it with friends or family. Chances are he will notice that hey, yeah, it matters, and you will notice that hey, yeah, some time away isn’t bad and it doesn’t kill a relationship. On the other hand, it could estrange the two of you and put you apart. I can’t tell you which way it will go, so I suppose an honest conversation is better.
 
Maybe your expectations are a bit high? How much time is enough time?
“me time” “alone time” “girlfriend time”. I never did understand those terms in a real sense.
I do think however, you need to sit down with him and talk about this issue.
Best of luck in your relationship.
 
Oh, and here I’m definitely guessing, but whose idea is it really that you supposedly can’t meet during the week? Is it your mutual perception or is it more his than yours? You’re also asking yourself why it has to be in your time together, not in the time he normally spends doing things other than work. You can ask him that question, you probably should. Chances are he will have a more or less satisfactory answer, though. It’s not like he can’t have a reasonable explanation for it all.

And don’t focus on how much time is appropriate etc. What matters is how much you need and how much he needs. Getting some objective perspective is good because it shows you’re trying to be reasonable and not demand too much, but again, it’s not any social norm that matters here, but what matters is your and his needs, mutual consideration for each other’s feelings, needs, expectation etc. and mutual respect, and knowing how much you mean to each other.
 
my other question for you to consider before marriage, is if you cannot find ways to spend time together with each other now, how will you do it after marriage if your work and other priorities do not change?
 
I was you once - and we’ve been married over 9 years now! 🙂

I really think it’s a matter of perspective. Neither one of you have WRONG expectations, just different. It can be challenging to merge two different perspectives together, but it’s not impossible.

I grew up with non-social parents. My parents NEVER went out with their friends - alone, together, NEVER. That’s just the way they were. It worked for them and they’re still happily married (over 32 years now).
My husband grew up with VERY social parents. His mom is still involved in every social group at the parish. His dad had his own business and traveled all the time. They really didn’t have a lot in common and did a lot separately… but VERY much in love.

Neither situation was WRONG - they just worked for each of our parents. We were raised in these environments and didn’t have any understanding of where the other was coming from. Yes, it took some time to merge our thoughts and feelings into what would work best for US. It takes lots of communication, patience, and compromise.

I’m not going to tell you that your fiance is doing anything wrong. Nor am I going to tell you that your perspective is wrong. But now that you intend on marrying, you need to know that you’re going to have to compromise. It’s not easy, but it is possible.

God bless you - you’ll be in my prayers!
 
Give the guy a break. I image all guys need male on male friendship, buddy or macho time whatever you want to call it just as we girls need a ladies night every now and again. I recommend you read Mars dates Venus. Most guys need their “cave” or space for lack or a better term. I don’t see that as a bad thing. I think most people need space in any relationship. If the other person is your whole life that’s not too healthy.
 
Sierrah said:
Give the guy a break. I image all guys need male on male friendship, buddy or macho time whatever you want to call it just as we girls need a ladies night every now and again. I recommend you read Mars dates Venus. Most guys need their “cave” or space for lack or a better term. I don’t see that as a bad thing. I think most people need space in any relationship. If the other person is your whole life that’s not too healthy.
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I would totally agree with this. BUT, I just find it weird the sudden change of behavior. Him wanting to spend time even weekends with his friends would be big deal but it seems weird that its all of a sudden twice in a row… I’m also curious if its his idea to not to spend weekends.
 
1ke said:
How long have you been dating? together for almost 2 years. engaged for 3 months

How many times has he done something with his friends instead of doing something with you? quite a few times before but recently its cutting into our weekends as well.

When is your wedding date? this summer

What is it that has you both so busy that you cannot spend any time together during the week? I’m working 3 jobs and taking care of my elderly mother (getting groceries, housework, etc). I try to get all my stuff/errands done after work during the week so I can see him on the weekends w/o having other things on my mind. He has a demanding job as well but no parents to tend to thankfully.

Did you have anything planned for that weekend or was it open when he planned his trip? Nothing was planned but it has been understood for the past 2 years that the weekends are ours - as stated by him in the beginning of our courtship. It was more of an announcement by him saying he was going skiing this weekend.

What is your expectation of how your time will be spent after you are married? I am hoping for more time together since we will be living together once married and preferably our time will not involve running errands together. I dont want to discuss my day while getting groceries. How many hours/days would make me happy? I’m more interested in quality.

Frankly, I think you are being totally unreasonable and irrational. I can’t believe you would have a problem with him doing something with his friends one weekend when he spends all the other weekends with you.

Why can’t he do it during the week? Uh, because people normally plan “weekend getaways” on, um, weekends.
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ack said:
Maybe he’s making an effort to spend more time with his male friends before he’s married, because he knows that he’ll be spending his time with you afterwards?

Giving a guy who’s about to be married a good “send-off” is something that some guys do. (no, this has nothing to do with strip clubs.)

Of course they do, but you’re not married yet. Have you even talked to him about your concerns? And it does seem odd that you live just minutes away from each other, yet you find it impossible to see each other during the week at all. Honestly, that concerns me more than these 2 weekends do.
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I have voiced my concerns with him and when we started dating 2 years ago he even made a stink when I wouldn’t see him every weekend. Anyway, he said that he needs to nurture his relationships with friends. That’s fine since that isnt the issue. I took that as code for ‘dont expect this to change.’
 
chevalier said:
Well, Toothfairy, let’s take this love matter from a criminal lawyer’s point of view.
  1. I see a couple of inconsistencies. For example, you say that you’re so busy with your lives that you can’t make time for each other. At the same time you say that you see no problem meeting your friends during the week so as to preserve the time for your fiance for the weekend. So what is it that makes you able to meet your friends but not your fiance during the week? I have met my friends during the week on several occasions throughout the year. Maybe once every 2 months. It’;s hard working 3 jobs but we stay in touch and keep in contact by email as well. I am not granting access to my friends solely during the week. I can hang out with my fiancee but it just never seems to happen with our schedules.
  2. Next, those whole-week busy lives consist of, as you say, 40+ hour work weeks and your errands. A 40 hour work week is the standard for normal people like mum and dad and aunts and uncles, who have managed to have a normal life (not to mention that you manage to make time for your friends). So, does something not click here or is it “your errands” that take so much time? If so, what are those errands of yours? 3 jobs and taking care of my mom. I would love to be bored. 🙂
  3. Obviously, you don’t have a problem with his taking out some time sometimes to meet up with his friends. The problem is how often this happens, the proportion between that time and the time that remains–which you confirm later–but also, as you don’t say but seems pretty obvious anyway–the manner in which he handles the matter (i.e. how lovingly or dismissively he goes about it).
  4. As you correctly point out, there is a problem with it being twice in a month, 4.5 weekends per average month making it 44% of your expected time together, and a problem with it being a new concept and new behaviour, not something exhibited before. I don’t think he could somehow not see the problem (even if he surely might be dismissive of it).
  5. When you marry, you expect to know about facts, attitudes, opinions and so on which may affect your life together. Naturally, it’s perfectly human that a person might put up with, say, a restriction on his “guy” time, for a time and then stop being able to put up with it any more. However, as far as opinions and attitudes go, you should be able to know what’s his attitude, what kind of freedom he expects from you after marriage, whether his current habits as of this month are a coincidence or something he expects or permits to be permanent.
  6. As your relationship is personal, not just business, you don’t merely expect a business-style give and take, but it does matter to you how it’s handled and what his feelings his are. I can understand that shrugging off the halving of your shared time is not a very considerate reaction and believing (and focusing on it) that he’s in his right doesn’t make it very considerate or even just healthy either.
  7. Marriage is not about a give and take or how much you expect to give or receive. It’s a total give and total take, not in the sense that you can legally demand him to stay with you all the time but in the sense that marriage, after all, is a community of the whole life. This basically means your lives are united, not merely intertwined. Marriage is not a limited partnership. Further, charity does require some consideration of people’s feelings, not just whether we’re in our right or not, this is all the more important with people who are close to us. If he doesn’t care how you feel about it, you have a problem. Conversely, if you didn’t care how he felt about being unable to go on a skiing trip with a friend, that would also be a major problem. Generally, egoism is a problem whenever it pops up.
  8. I’m filling some gaps here, but it seems to me you have a problem that comes down to, “how important am I to him?”, possibly, “why doesn’t he have the same need for time together that I do, does he not care for me the same way I do for him or what?” Well, you don’t know how he would react if you were to take out two weekends of your monthly 4.5 without giving him any say (i.e. just communicating to him the decision). Chances are he would feel the same way about it as you do. Things do look much different from the point of view of the person who has lots of things to do than they do from the point of view of someone who very much longs to see that person. For example, in my last relationship, the ex did see things in a different light when the table turned and from being the one more interested in meeting up, I became the one less interested in keeping contact.
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puzzleannie said:
my other question for you to consider before marriage, is if you cannot find ways to spend time together with each other now, how will you do it after marriage if your work and other priorities do not change?
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Well, by default we will be together more often since we will be living together as a married couple. So that inherently brings more opportunity to spend more time together like cooking dinner. Priorities were never an issue until now.
 
Sierrah said:
Give the guy a break. I image all guys need male on male friendship, buddy or macho time whatever you want to call it just as we girls need a ladies night every now and again. I recommend you read Mars dates Venus. Most guys need their “cave” or space for lack or a better term. I don’t see that as a bad thing. I think most people need space in any relationship. If the other person is your whole life that’s not too healthy.
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This is not about whether he needs guy time. Everyone needs their friends. He needs his. I need mine.
 
Sierrah said:
If the other person is your whole life that’s not too healthy.
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In all charity, I disagree. It is not at all healthy for spouses not to spend time together. From my observations of troubled and failed relationships and marriages, problems always start with a breakdown of communication–one cannot communicate with one who is not around, or one who does not lend themself to communication with the other.​

To give your fiance the benefit of the doubt, did he not ask you to go skiing with him because he knows you hate to ski? If that is the case, either offer it up and go --at the very least, you can stay in the lodge and read a book during the time he is on the slopes, and then you all can hang out in the evenings-- or don’t complain while you voluntarily stay behind. (But it does not sound as though the later is the case.)

The following are questions that, were I you, I would ask myself or my fiance:
–How well do you know one anothers’ families and backgrounds?
–Are there any of his family behaviors that you do not like?
–Do you know why he did not ask you to go with him? I mean, have you ever said, “I hate skiing, please don’t ask me to go!”
–Why is it that you two can not find time to spend together on weeknights?
–Do either of you work nights?
–When you call each other and talk at night, how long do you talk on the phone?
–In your phone conversations, do you discuss substantial topics, or just talk about workdays, the weather and plans for the weekend?
–How often do you disagree, argue or fight, and do you worry about this?
–Do you only meet on weekends because you have a problem remaining chaste when you are together? Could this be why he did not ask you to go with him, or why he is all of a sudden needing guy time, i.e. he is trying to safe guard his and your purity?
–Do you fear he is being unfaithful?
–Was his father or mother, or your father or mother, unfaithful in their marriage?
–Are you both the same faith? If not, does that worry you?
–Are you concerned with how much alcohol your fiance drinks?
–Do you fear that he is drinking (or abusing drugs) while on his weekend excursions?
–Does it bother you that he went off and left you because this is a behavior exhibited by your father which you fear you will end up living with like your mother?
–Are either of your parents divorced?
–Do you fear that your marriage will end in divorce?

These may seem neurotic (and I am not asking you to answer them in this forum) but at least think about them.

A few days before I was married, I vocalized some concerns and fears that I had been holding back and not discussing with my fiance–they revolved around how his parents treated me. My fiance, not knowing that this was an issue to me, immediately addressed the problem with his parents, and now all is well. Had I not vocalized my concerns, they would still be eating away at me today . . . and his parents would still be treating me the same way. The problem was resolved because I spoke up.

So, as I said in an ealier post, I do not think that you are being irrational by being worried / concerned. But once again, I do emphasize that you two must have an open and frank conversation about this issue–and any other issues you and he feel unsettled about–before you walk up the aisle and say “I do”. Seek the freedom of the Truth, and be at peace.
 
toothfairy said:
Well, by default we will be together more often since we will be living together as a married couple. So that inherently brings more opportunity to spend more time together like cooking dinner. Priorities were never an issue until now.
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Living together, does not by default, mean more quality time together. I have a rather strange work schedule and the time my wife and I spend together some weeks is merely going over bills, passing along updates on our daughter, and making a grocery list. This as been known to go on for up to 5 days straight before we get some good quality time together. If you plan on working three jobs after you 2 are married expect almost nothing to change once you are married with respect to you quality time during the week.
 
Sierrah said:
I recommend you read Mars dates Venus.
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Perhaps Theology of the Body might be a more suitable read in these cirmcumstances.
I applaud the fact that you are helping care for your mother. That was a “must” in our relationship: that should either set of parents ever need care, we would happily invite them into our home and family life. God bless you!
I do hope that you will be able to lighten your work schedule before you get married. From the reply to another post, it seems that you are both older (35+?). If you get overly worn out, it will also have a negative effect on your relationship / marriage.
 
I think I will approach this by showing two examples. One is my marriage of 10 years and one is a friends marriage of 10 years.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Other thank business trips, I have had 1 guy weekend in that time. My wife has had 1 girl weekend in that time. We are very happy and think we have a very good marriage.

My friend and his wife have been married just shy of 10 years. They are constantly doing things separate as well as together. The husband even went on a 6 week backpacking trip in the rockies with his brother. They are happily married and appear to have a good marriage.

So the moral of these stories, is that both extremes have happy marriages. This is something that you need to discuss with your finance and see if you are really compatible for marriage. The key in the the two couples is that both couples agree with their spouses on how time is spent. I think this is a very important issue and if you have problems now, it will not change after you get married. You shouldn’t expect him to totally change his ideas and he shouldn’t expect that you will totally change your ideas.
 
Personally I don’t see an issue with him wanting to go away for a weekend with his guy friends.

Even if it’s normal for you only to spend weekends together, why not set up a date dinner night? So that even if you don’t have time to spend a day together at least you get to see each other for an hour or so?

You can survive on seeing each other less than every weekend. My fiance and I do that. We currently live almost 5 hours apart and so we see each other every other weekend at most. We’ve been long distance for 3 of our 5 years together. But we do talk to each other on the phone at least once a day. It wasn’t easy in the beginning, but we made it work.

But anyways, why not take that weekend and do something for yourself? Go shopping, go to a movie, do something with some girl friends?

I can understand your frustration that you won’t get to spend time with him for a weekend, but if he hasn’t given you any reason for thinking that he’s doing it to be mean, then I’d say don’t sweat it. Just do something fun for yourself for that weekend.
 
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