How much time seperate from your fiancee/spouse is appropriate?

[toothfairy]

In all charity, I disagree. It is not at all healthy for spouses not to spend time together. From my observations of troubled and failed relationships and marriages, problems always start with a breakdown of communication–one cannot communicate with one who is not around, or one who does not lend themself to communication with the other.​

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To give your fiance the benefit of the doubt, did he not ask you to go skiing with him because he knows you hate to ski? If that is the case, either offer it up and go --at the very least, you can stay in the lodge and read a book during the time he is on the slopes, and then you all can hang out in the evenings-- or don’t complain while you voluntarily stay behind. (But it does not sound as though the later is the case.) He didn’t ask me to go skiing. And yes I do ski.

The following are questions that, were I you, I would ask myself or my fiance:
–How well do you know one anothers’ families and backgrounds? very well. love his family and my mom loves him as well.
–Are there any of his family behaviors that you do not like? I’d love to see how they argue but then again his dad has a bad temper so probably not the best thing for the future daughter-in-law to see huh?
–Do you know why he did not ask you to go with him? I mean, have you ever said, “I hate skiing, please don’t ask me to go!” He has teh holiday on Monday off so he wanted to go skiing and yes I have to work on the holiday.
–Why is it that you two can not find time to spend together on weeknights? I am working 3 jobs and taking acre of mom. I’m damned if I do and damned if I dont…I either have to work hard to pay school/help pay for wedding or be in a bad position financially.
–Do either of you work nights? I do off and on. He doesnt.
–When you call each other and talk at night, how long do you talk on the phone? might be an hour or 15 minutes. Depends if we have lots to say or one of us is in a bad mood from our workday. It all depends on the mood.
–In your phone conversations, do you discuss substantial topics, or just talk about workdays, the weather and plans for the weekend? we discuss teh day as well as politics and us as well. Although I have to be careful discussing us when either one of us is tired since this has led to bickering. Gotta pick a proper neutral time to discuss.
–How often do you disagree, argue or fight, and do you worry about this? We dont argue hardly ever although planning a wedding is a bit taxing on us. I’m not losing sleep over this but hoping it doesnt continue into teh marriage and I end up home on the weekends alone with kids screaming.
–Do you only meet on weekends because you have a problem remaining chaste when you are together? Could this be why he did not ask you to go with him, or why he is all of a sudden needing guy time, i.e. he is trying to safe guard his and your purity? Chaste is not an issue. Of course we all have our challenges but not a reason to avoid each other.
–Do you fear he is being unfaithful? not for a second.
–Was his father or mother, or your father or mother, unfaithful in their marriage? not that i know of. still married 35+ years.
–Are you both the same faith? If not, does that worry you? both from same faith and goto mass.
–Are you concerned with how much alcohol your fiance drinks? not not an issue.
–Do you fear that he is drinking (or abusing drugs) while on his weekend excursions?not an issue.
–Does it bother you that he went off and left you because this is a behavior exhibited by your father which you fear you will end up living with like your mother? My parents were married for almost 50 years. he died of cancer. My dad was very nurturing yet strong with me.
–Are either of your parents divorced? see previous answer.
–Do you fear that your marriage will end in divorce? Not really unless there is abuse, adultery, or other deal-breakers. Not an issue for us.

These may seem neurotic (and I am not asking you to answer them in this forum) but at least think about them.

A few days before I was married, I vocalized some concerns and fears that I had been holding back and not discussing with my fiance–they revolved around how his parents treated me. My fiance, not knowing that this was an issue to me, immediately addressed the problem with his parents, and now all is well. Had I not vocalized my concerns, they would still be eating away at me today . . . and his parents would still be treating me the same way. The problem was resolved because I spoke up.

So, as I said in an ealier post, I do not think that you are being irrational by being worried / concerned. But once again, I do emphasize that you two must have an open and frank conversation about this issue–and any other issues you and he feel unsettled about–before you walk up the aisle and say “I do”. Seek the freedom of the Truth, and be at peace.

 

[1ke]

Well, the more info you give the better. It’s really hard to answer questions on forums like this because we only have what you tell us to go on.

In your first posts it sounded like he spent every weekend with you, except one other time and this weekend he wanted to go skiing. It didn’t sound unreasonable to want to do something like go skiing, and explaining he has Monday off while you do not make sense on why that weekend. In fact, it sounded unreasonable that you demanded every weekend.

It does seem that something has changed, based on your recent posts, especially since the “us” weekends were more his idea.

So the most important thing, I think, is to discuss it with him. Why it’s changed. What’s going on. What your mutual expectations are going into marriage.

I think you two just need to sit down and talk.

And, you and he could spend time together during the week. I actually think it would be good for you to do so. Integrate your lives. Let him go with you when you go do things for your mom. Go with him when he runs errands.

I wouldn’t make a big deal out of the ski trip weekend.

But I would sit down with him next weekend, or the weekend after and really have a heart to heart about your expectations. I don’t think either of you really has realistic ideas about how marriage will be.

 

[VonDerTann]

I’m a guy, happly married for almost 10 wonderful years.

There is, IMHO, nothing out of the ordinary about the guy, or the girl, wanting to go away for a weekend every couple of months. I do so every year or so.

OP, you write, as to whether you had plans that weekend, “Nothing was planned but it has been understood for the past 2 years that the weekends are ours - as stated by him in the beginning of our courtship.”
–Things change. People are entitled to take a weekend off now & again, You may, too, after you live with him for a few months, and deal with his dirty socks and underwear for a few months, etc.

Also, OP, you say you ski. I like to go watch horseraces. My wife would go with me, and has…but if I want to go, she says, “call [guy friend].” My point is, there is nothing IMHO out of the ordinary if he wants to go away with his buddy, once in a while, even to do something you may like.

In fact, I personally think it’s part of who we are, i.e., men and women. You may want to go do something “girly girl” someday without him – as well you should. I agree with, and echo, the sentiments of another poster that a guy needs a “cave,” or something like it…basically, b/c its sort of wired into us. I go to horseraces…some guys go watch boxing…or NASCAR…or baseball…or tinker with hot rods…all of which are fun, and harmless (I am not betting the morgage on the ponies), once in a while (which is key). Please consider – would you rather that, or we have some real vices instead?

Personally, I think all men should read “Iron John” and sit in sweat lodges and bang war drums every once in a while, but I digress…

 

[chevalier]

I have voiced my concerns with him and when we started dating 2 years ago he even made a stink when I wouldn’t see him every weekend. Anyway, he said that he needs to nurture his relationships with friends. That’s fine since that isnt the issue. I took that as code for ‘dont expect this to change.’

I am inclined to take it that way as well. I’m no psychologist but it does feel passive-aggressive.

3 jobs and taking care of my mom. I would love to be bored.

Three jobs that make a 40+ hour week together. That’s still 40+ hours. I imagine that three jobs are more stressful and onerous that one job that takes the same amount of time, but in the end, it’s 40+ hours and you have the time for errands and for meeting your friends as you say, so you would have the time to meet him, as, say, 2 hours are still 2 hours regardless of who’s asking. Something doesn’t click there. Aren’t you rationalising and defending your fiance’s decision? Or is it about the special time cast aside that other people have already talked about? And they make valid points. An interpersonal relationship of that kind needs integration rather than a time set apart for interaction. Setting aside some time and leaving the rest as a mundane time leads to living from day to day until that special time arrives. On the other hand, if the “real life” takes over, then someone might want to cut down on the time set aside. Maybe the routines aren’t working?

I agree with JDeL’s list of questions in post #36.

He has teh holiday on Monday off so he wanted to go skiing and yes I have to work on the holiday.

That changes things because it shows he could just have been reacting to an opportunity. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong to want to catch up with a buddy. I suppose I would want to spend the weekend with my best buddy more than once in two years, even at the cost of not seeing the special lady on that particular weekend. But, firstly, I wonder why a man would ever use the word “nurture”, especially as in, his friendships need to be nurtured. Did he say that verbatim or are you paraphrasing him? This simply sounds like nothing a guy would normally say. Secondly, his announcement. Did he simply announce the news to you in a matter-of-fact tone, did he sound assertive, did it feel like a power game (who makes decisions, how far he can go etc.) or did he make some effort to assure you of his feelings for you and your importance to him, explaining his motivations and his needs *and *the fact it was the second time in a row?

 

[chevalier]

we discuss teh day as well as politics and us as well. Although I have to be careful discussing us when either one of us is tired since this has led to bickering. Gotta pick a proper neutral time to discuss.

That sounds like a problem. Do you feel like you need to walk on eggshells to avoid making him mad, which is then being explained as your fault because you drove him into that mood? I’m just asking. It’s surely possible that you really pick the wrong times for the wrong questions (people have some tendency to do that and it can be annoying–you probably have a friend or two who are adept at doing that), but let’s test these waters.

 

[chevalier]

I think I will approach this by showing two examples. One is my marriage of 10 years and one is a friends marriage of 10 years.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Other thank business trips, I have had 1 guy weekend in that time. My wife has had 1 girl weekend in that time. We are very happy and think we have a very good marriage.

My friend and his wife have been married just shy of 10 years. They are constantly doing things separate as well as together. The husband even went on a 6 week backpacking trip in the rockies with his brother. They are happily married and appear to have a good marriage.

So the moral of these stories, is that both extremes have happy marriages. This is something that you need to discuss with your finance and see if you are really compatible for marriage. The key in the the two couples is that both couples agree with their spouses on how time is spent. I think this is a very important issue and if you have problems now, it will not change after you get married. You shouldn’t expect him to totally change his ideas and he shouldn’t expect that you will totally change your ideas.

I agree and I think it’s the mutuality that makes them happily married, not the sheer consent (anyone is his sane mind will give that consent, I think… and if you make someone stay with you, he surely isn’t going to be great company anyway). In my view, problem is with people who have issues with independence, sharing etc. Some are unable to have a relationship unless it’s they who dictate the terms.

 

[Kindness]

It seems that both of you are working from a set of assumptions and expectations that you have not managed to communicate to each other yet. As other posters have already said it is not a case of appropriate or inappropriate regarding the action itself i.e. going away for a weekend with a friend, it’s how you both understand what that means.

It is also true that vows do not dramatically change most people’s character and habits. If you are having problems with his decision you do need to discuss it and get at the root of why it has upset you so much because this is the kind of issue that can rock the boat in marriage.

Marriage prep often talks about family of origin and how two people come together from two very different family “cultures” that have to be integrated. We all work from a set of assumptions that often we are not even conscious of. Maybe you had assumptions about spending the weekend with him and that he would communicate with you in a different way why he wanted to go away for a weekend.

Perhaps he had assumptions about how much he needs to discuss with you when deciding to make plans. Your assumptions are different and therefore your expectations. Think about what your expectations were and discuss those with your fiance, then he can say what his expectations were. We cannot read our partner’s mind. Sometimes we have to really spell it out for each other or we will just sail along ASSUMING that we share the same expectations when we don’t.

About 20 yrs ago I had sales training and a big part of it was ASSUMPTIONS and how fatal they can be. They took the would ASSUME and broke it down. To assume can make an *** out of U and ME.

Take a step back and talk to him assuming the best of your fiance.

 

[joandarc2008]

OK, I don’t want to come off as judgemental - every relationship has good times and bad times. Mine has seen some really bad times. But for every really bad time there has been really great times. All by the Grace of God provided by the Sacrament marriage.

A couple of things I have noticed through this thread:

1. In my own personal experience I used to want my dh to spend less time with his friends and more time with me. It is not that his friends are bad - it is just for watever reason I don’t enjoy hangning out with them - we have different interests. I found when we reached an agreement on having guys/girls night once a month more trust was actually formed and there was more appreciation on both sides. His friends show up at the house and play poker with chips not money or when they get really bold pocket change . My dh usually cleans em out too. We girls usually go out to a nice dinner.
2. Trust is key. Next year I am hoping to go to school to become a physician assistant. It is a two year program. This means some seperation. I will probably only see my dh on weekends. This is where trust comes in. I am hoping to be going to a Catholic University where I can attend daily mass and work in the RCIA program as well. Bringing me closer to God will help bring me closer to the Sacrament and help our marriage survive these times. It is not ideal but it is life cicumstance. I know with 100% certainty after everything we have been through in the marriage and before that he knows boundaries and he would not violate them or even want to. That is what makes our marriage loving.

Good luck on your upcoming wedding.

 

[flyingfish]

The main thing about this situation that just doesn’t sit well with me is that you don’t see each other during the week while living only 2 miles away from each other.

Was that his decision or yours? There are 80 waking hours in the 5 day working week. It doesn’t make sense that you can’t make time for each other given how close you live.

 

[purplesunshine]

I don’t know if I agree with guys/girls weekends. As a single person I haven’t had to face this yet.

But as a college student I recieved what I think is excellent advice from a professor in his late 30’s. He was a avid hiker who fell in love with a girly-girl. (who shared religion, political beliefs, money beliefs, etc) At first it didn’t matter to him but as time went on (especally after his daughter was born) he wanted to hike. He told me to really think twice about falling in love with someone who dosn’t live your lifestyle. And if you do have to comprmize make sure that he/she knows it. His wife liked quiet time. So he would chaperone outdoor camping trips for our college group. (NOT wild parties btw) and she would get quiet time to be a girl…time with her friends and such.

Thing is…if he likes going skiing and you don’t want to…then you will have to accept that as part of your relationship. And make it work.

As mentioned by many posters…if you live 2 miles away why only once a week? I work 40+ hours a week…sometimes up to 60…I care for my dog, keep house, go to Daily Mass and still manage a 1hr ~30mi trip (I live in the boonies) twice go see my friends. If I was dating someone, I’d expect he’d come to see me twice a week (or atlest once a week) also…and again we’re 30 miles away.

I have a few questions. Why can’t you enjoy shopping together? Or your other chores? My parents (with a 27yr marriage) often go to the store together…or run errands…just to have time together. They have their own things. Mom does things with Grandma, has “just her” hobbies and Dad goes golfing, plays broom ball and when my bros were little taught scouts. They always had “their own things” becuase like my professor friend they couldn’t fill every need each other had.

Why does it need to be “undivided weekend time?” Will your work schedule change once you are married? If it won’t change then how is now any different than when you get married bar sleeping in the same bed?

 

[wabrams]

I have a few questions. Why can’t you enjoy shopping together? Or your other chores? My parents (with a 27yr marriage) often go to the store together…or run errands…just to have time together.

Agreed. I love it when my wife and I run errands/shop together. For some reason when we go out like that we have a tendency to laugh like kids at all kinds of little things while out in public. Makes for a really fun time.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

My fiance’ and I do not live together but we do live about an hour away from each other. We attend the same college so we see each other more often than one might think. But before we realized this ourselves, we would spend EVERYDAY together. And when we weren’t together physically we were together on the phone or texting. There was always some sort of communication going. In the beginning this was all fine and dandy but as our relationship grew we realized that seeing each other all of the time was probably not the best thing for our relationship, especially when we started to become short with one another. Now we’ve learned to create a happy medium, so when we’re not together we’re with a friend or at home with our parents. This, to me, is extremely important because you don’t want you or your fiance’ to become that person who doesn’t talk to their friends anymore because you’re engaged. Having friends is important to our relationship, I believe. And we’re learning to associate ourselves with friends that have the same views as us (married friends or even very committed couples). To make a long story short, I think if his friend isn’t telling him things to discourage your fiance’s relationship with you then everything is fine. Make sure your fiance’ knows that if that ever happens that it’s not okay and he would need to talk to his friend about this. But I wouldn’t stress about that if it hasn’t happened yet. Good Luck & God Bless!

 

[ac_claire]

I think you should probably focus on integrating into each other’s lives instead of living separate lives and create this artificial “special time” that only takes place on weekends thereby creating (a) unrealistic expectations and (b) a skewed vision of what married life will be like.

That’s not how marriage works.

Perhaps if you did not put so much emphasis on creating some special, artificial “us zone” on weekends and instead saw each other during the week when you simply do whatever including laundry or whatever, there wouldn’t be this expectation that he cannot do anything with a friend on the weekends.

Ditto this.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Hi

I agree with those who say that the idea of “our special weekend time together” is sort of artificial – it is more dating behavior than marriage behavior. Marriage is being together all the time, sharing everything, and often you have to carve time together out of those errands, etc. My DH and I have our best “talk time” in the car as we run around doing what needs to be done.

However, if your “radar” is picking something up here, I think you should talk with him about it. It may just be the natural progression of a romantic relationship (I know DH and I were kind of obsessed with being together when we were first dating, but now that we are always together, we need more “alone” time or time with friends). OR he may just be having a little “cold feet” and is hanging onto some bachelor stuff as a sort of last hurrah? The only way to know is to ask.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to discuss your expectations. Ask him : “Sweetheart, after we are married, will you still want weekends away with Joe? How often do you think is reasonable? What about when we have a family?” If his number of weekends away is more than you are comfortable with, it’s time to head to some pre-martial counseling. Seriously.