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Aramis
Guest
My wife and I average once a month since the birth of our second. It was twice a month for the between.
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Cat
Guest
I’m going to make another practical suggestion for many of us.
When you are married with small children and sex feels like a chore, I would try to stay away from the romance novels, the romantic comedy movies, and the women’s magazines.
Hey, I love romance novels, and when my kids got older, they were helpful in helping me to learn to desire my husband more. And I think romantic comedies can be fun, and magazines are great to read for relaxation.
But when you are young with young children, these media can be very depressing, as they can make you feel that every other couple in the world, married and unmarried, is having sex once or twice a day and loving it, while you are struggling to fit sex in once a month and falling asleep during it.
Just put all these things on hold until your kids are older. Keep in mind that many couples with babies and small children are the same as you–happy to have sex once a month. It’s just really hard to fit it in with young children. Don’t give up, but try not to stress about it.
When you are married with small children and sex feels like a chore, I would try to stay away from the romance novels, the romantic comedy movies, and the women’s magazines.
Hey, I love romance novels, and when my kids got older, they were helpful in helping me to learn to desire my husband more. And I think romantic comedies can be fun, and magazines are great to read for relaxation.
But when you are young with young children, these media can be very depressing, as they can make you feel that every other couple in the world, married and unmarried, is having sex once or twice a day and loving it, while you are struggling to fit sex in once a month and falling asleep during it.
Just put all these things on hold until your kids are older. Keep in mind that many couples with babies and small children are the same as you–happy to have sex once a month. It’s just really hard to fit it in with young children. Don’t give up, but try not to stress about it.
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califmommy
Guest
I can only imagine what you’re going through. I have only two children and the LAST thing I want sometimes is having to take care of another person in this house. My girls are 4 and 5 now, but a few years ago, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was running around with two in diapers, laundry, work, dishes, a messy house etc…AND a husband whose only way of feeling loved was if we had sex.
My husband was very frustrated because I didn’t want to have sex all the time. And, if I did have sex, he was insulted because I didn’t get into it. What he didn’t understand is that I don’t have a switch that can turn me from mommy to lover in an instant. It took many talks and many tears to get that point across and he still has to be reminded. Two things that helped us that’d I’d like to share.
My husband was very frustrated because I didn’t want to have sex all the time. And, if I did have sex, he was insulted because I didn’t get into it. What he didn’t understand is that I don’t have a switch that can turn me from mommy to lover in an instant. It took many talks and many tears to get that point across and he still has to be reminded. Two things that helped us that’d I’d like to share.
- I repeatedly told him that foreplay happens all day long. If he takes five minutes to empty the dishwasher, fold a load of laundry or play with the kids it goes a long way towards lighting my fire. In fact (for me) it’s better than any overt sexual touch.
- Every once in a while we pay a babysitter (even if just for an hour) and make a date for sex. I’m much more easily aroused if I don’t need to keep one ear open listening for a child in need. And, I’ve found that one good “session” keeps his love tank filled longer than a few where I’m only physically there.
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flyingfish
Guest
I don’t think you should push through your lack of desire for the better good of your marriage. Talk to your husband, and tell him what he needs to do to be desirable to you again.
Whether it’s the walks and the museums you were talking about, or him helping more with the kids, or whatever.
If you force yourself to have sex with him, it might statisfy his physical needs but probably leave you disgusted with him and maybe even feeling violated. Is that something you really want?
You said there was a lot of sex in your marriage before, presumably it was mutually desired? What changed? Is it just the fact that you have 7 kids? Or did he change?
Your husband should work at turning you on again so that you want to be intimate with him. Tell him what he needs to do.
(And you mentioned he almost sees you as his mom and you do things that moms do for little kids for him, could that be turning you off? Did your husband gain weight over the years to the point that he’s not attractive anymore? Does he dress reasonably well and smell good, those things can make the difference too, his physical condition especially. Maybe he needs to go to the gym and become a good looking guy again. )
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TC2
Guest
Okay, here goes.
I’m 37, with one child, 10months. We’ve been married almost 11 years.
Sex is a rare commodity in our house these days, to both our sorrow.
It helps to keep in mind that I’m not just a mom, but a woman, too. And I don’t go from ‘mom’ mode to ‘woman’ mode. I’m both all the time! I am both sexy and nurturing
at the same time. And thank heavens my husband sees me this way as well.
Sex between us is quick, stolen moments where we can get them. And often, the results
are less than stellar (esp for me). But we both need that time together, to remember that we’re a couple and have something completely separate from baby. This might be something to keep in mind.
I noticed that you mentioned you have teenagers in the house. What do they do to help you in your daily chores? Perhaps allocating more responsibility to them would help?
Even the little ones can do some simple things to ease the load.
Here’s another thought. Why not get the teenagers to watch the litttles for a few hours on the weekend, so you and hubs can ‘sleep in’ a couple/few hours? Set them up the night before with movies or games, simple breakfast, and go to it! I’d bet your husband would be glad to have just a long cuddle session to start.
Since it’s summer, why not send them outside (if possible) to play in the yard? Maybe set up a slip and slide or some such, to keep them occupied a bit. Prepare them a lunch ahead of time, maybe, for a later day play time.
No matter what you choose for them, tell them that they are NOT to bother you unless it’s an emergency. Any other interruption means immediate cessation of the fun activity.
Start slow and small, and build up. I bet it won’t be many weekends before both hubs AND you are craving those private mornings!
I’m 37, with one child, 10months. We’ve been married almost 11 years.
Sex is a rare commodity in our house these days, to both our sorrow.
It helps to keep in mind that I’m not just a mom, but a woman, too. And I don’t go from ‘mom’ mode to ‘woman’ mode. I’m both all the time! I am both sexy and nurturing
at the same time. And thank heavens my husband sees me this way as well.
Sex between us is quick, stolen moments where we can get them. And often, the results
are less than stellar (esp for me). But we both need that time together, to remember that we’re a couple and have something completely separate from baby. This might be something to keep in mind.
I noticed that you mentioned you have teenagers in the house. What do they do to help you in your daily chores? Perhaps allocating more responsibility to them would help?
Even the little ones can do some simple things to ease the load.
Here’s another thought. Why not get the teenagers to watch the litttles for a few hours on the weekend, so you and hubs can ‘sleep in’ a couple/few hours? Set them up the night before with movies or games, simple breakfast, and go to it! I’d bet your husband would be glad to have just a long cuddle session to start.
Since it’s summer, why not send them outside (if possible) to play in the yard? Maybe set up a slip and slide or some such, to keep them occupied a bit. Prepare them a lunch ahead of time, maybe, for a later day play time.
No matter what you choose for them, tell them that they are NOT to bother you unless it’s an emergency. Any other interruption means immediate cessation of the fun activity.
Start slow and small, and build up. I bet it won’t be many weekends before both hubs AND you are craving those private mornings!
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Leonius
Guest
People can get that kind of shallow secular advice anywhere the OP specificity asked for Catholic advice.
Also to the OP I just noticed you said the priest cannot be an authority on that subject, you are mistaken the Priest hears peoples confessions and understands human nature more than most.
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flyingfish
Guest
And what is so un-Catholic about suggesting to the OP that she think of some ways her husband can become more sexually attractive to her?
Gritting your teeth and forcing yourself to let your husband use your body to satisfy himself is hardly Catholic, not to mention that it wouldn’t be good for their relationship in the long term.
The OP and her husband need to work on making her want to have sex with him again. If the husband is a good man, I doubt he wants her to force herself to have sex with him,and would much prefer it if she wanted it as well. Some of the advice has been for her to pretend to like it. I just don’t think this can work, either she is a really good actress and will suppress her unhappiness (and possibly even revulsion) or eventually it will come out. In either situation she will be suffering.
In the end, only a very selfish man would want his wife to force herself to let him satisfy his physical needs.
Maybe her husband let himself go and is overweight and unattractive, maybe he doesn’t keep himself clean, doesn’t dress well, or engages in something that the OP finds repulsive (maybe he’s leaving dirty underwear on the floor for her to pick up for example), maybe he doesn’t help around the house or with the raising of their 7 children, maybe he doesn’t take her out frequently enough.
Maybe if he fixes some of those issues the OP will desire him again.
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Cat
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Excellent advice, especially point 1.
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Cat
Guest
I think you’re maybe getting the wrong idea here.
Obviously, no woman (or man) should grit their teeth and allow someone to exploit them.
That’s not what I’m suggesting at all.
What I’m assuming is that the OP is still in love with her husband and he is in love with her. She still craves closeness, warmth, touch, caresses, kisses, and loving words with him. She didn’t say anything about being turned off or disgusted by him, which is another issue. I agree with you that weight, cleanliness, etc. can completely turn a woman off. But the OP didn’t talk about these issues.
She’s just tired and wrung-out from so much work with children, household, and school.
If my assumption about the OP and her husband is true, it should not be a “teeth-gritting” experience to allow him to make love to her.
Notice I said, "Make love,’ not “Bang her.”
What you possibly missed in my earlier posts is the description of most women’s physiology; namely, that they are generally not ready on demand as men are. They require time and foreplay to get ready for sex. And most women do not experience arousal just by looking at a man. (Men DO experience arousal just by looking at a woman.)
Many women mistakenly think that because they are not “ready on demand” that they have “no desire” and therefore, should not agree to have sex. THIS is a mistake that women need to correct.
You mentioned that the husband needs to work with the wife on helping her want to have sex with him again. I certainly agree, but I think you need to be very very careful to recognize that many women are never going to “want sex” with their husbands (except during ovulation). It’s not the same for a woman as for a man. Many women would be content to never have sex again. So if you wait for the woman to want to have sex, it will be seldom or never. And that’s not appropriate for a marriage.
Here is what needs to happen: More often than not, IF the woman will submit to the man and allow him to make love to her, the desire will develop, and she will find that she enjoys the act of love. Even if she doesn’t have an orgasm, she will at least enjoy the closeness of her husband and be glad for his climax.
So it isn’t a question of making himself more desirable to her. That’s not going to work. Many men are very desirable and handsome and clean and buff, but their wives still say “no.”
Instead, the woman needs to say “Yes,” even when she doesn’t feel like it. When she does so, she will usually discover that her desire grows as the love act commences, and by the end of the act, she will be glad that she submitted to her husband.
This is NOT what the world teaches, is it? Many of us women have been trained by Glamour Magazine and other feminist media to not ever submit to a man, especially when it comes to sex. We have been taught that this is exploitive, even abusive, towards us, and that any decent man has no right to expect a woman to do this. We have developed these attitudes, and we think that they are “Catholic” or “Biblical” because they sound kind of good.
However, there’s just one problem. The Church and the Bible tell us that women should submit to their husbands, and husbands to their wives. There’s nothing in there about saying, “No.” And there’s nothing in there about a man being free to rape his wife at will. It is a mutual submission. But it is a submission. The wife cannot use these verses to justify always saying “No” because she has no desire. God realized that women do not experiene desire in the same way a man does, and that’s why He tells us to submit.
I hope this makes things clearer for you. Again, I am NOT saying that a woman should lay back and take it. What I’m saying is that the woman should NOT rely on her feelings of desire to drive the frequency of sex, but rather, she should say “Yes” to sex even when she doesn’t have desire, knowing that once sex commences, she will often experience desire.
BTW, I’ve read some material on Catholic sex, and as far as I can see, it is a sin for a husband to have an orgasm outside of his wife’s vagina, but it is NOT a sin for a woman to have an orgasm before her husband has ejaculated, or after her husband has ejaculated. In fact, only a small percentage (around 18%) of women can have an orgasm from penetration and penile stimulation alone–that’s the way GOD made us. So, it seems to me that perhaps a Quickie could result in an orgasm for the wife if the husband was willing to stimulate her manually or orally. That isn’t a sin, at least, according to my understanding of Catholic sexuality. And that would be a mutually satisfying lovemaking experience for both spouses, even though it all takes place in a few minutes time. Please correct me if I am wrong about this.
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Leonius
Guest
You do not understand what love or marriage is. Your shallow, superficial advice is utterly worthless. You have no idea what the Catholic is it is clear, its not the same as what you see on Oprah.
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Cat
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BTW, I want to qualify all of my posts by stating that all of married sexuality needs to take place within the boundaries of NFP, at least for Catholics.
A woman should say “Yes” to her husband when he asks for sex.
However, if they are practicing NFP, and it is her fertile time, and the couple has agree mutually that they have serious and God-approved reasons to postpone the conception of another child, THEN she should say “No” and remind her husband of their mutual commitments to NFP and to not conceiving at that time in their marriage.
Hopefully the husband is totally on board with NFP and will not see the “No” as a rejection of his love for her, and a refutation of his masculine appeal. This is when NFP can be a very wondrous way for couple to learn other ways of demonstrating their love for each other.
A woman should say “Yes” to her husband when he asks for sex.
However, if they are practicing NFP, and it is her fertile time, and the couple has agree mutually that they have serious and God-approved reasons to postpone the conception of another child, THEN she should say “No” and remind her husband of their mutual commitments to NFP and to not conceiving at that time in their marriage.
Hopefully the husband is totally on board with NFP and will not see the “No” as a rejection of his love for her, and a refutation of his masculine appeal. This is when NFP can be a very wondrous way for couple to learn other ways of demonstrating their love for each other.
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whatevergirl
Guest
*I really enjoyed your post.
My husband is awesome when it comes to housework…we both split that pretty much, but in other ways, I agree…foreplay is an ongoing thing for a woman…and I think that when my husband leaves me little flirty messages on my voicemail on my cell or at work…or has a very attentive “spirit” to me, caring about perhaps trivial things that men don’t dwell on lol, during the day…by the evening, I feel VERY connected to him, and I might even intitiate. I will often say back…are you trying to get lucky? Are you being fresh? haha We like the playful banter, and it goes a long way, when both people understand each other’s ‘hot buttons,’ and are unselfish when it comes to each other’s desires. *
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apromisemade
Guest
However often it makes them happy and satisfied 
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flyingfish
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I’m not a doctor, but it just doesn’t seem normal for a healthy woman who is not post-menopausal to be content to never have sex again. Maybe women who are that way not simply with respect to their husbands, but whose sex drives have completely “died” have some kind of a sexual dysfunction that can be treated.
The solution should be to treat the root cause of lack of desire instead of simply “faking it”.
As for your latter point, it’s consistent with what I have read as well. I wonder if the OP’s husband takes the time to do those things and make sex enjoyable for her, if he doesn’t maybe she needs to talk to him about it so that he learns new techniques that make the experience enjoyable for her as well.
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flyingfish
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I don’t understand why you are so angered by the suggestion that men (and women) who want to have healthy sex lives with their partner should do their best to remain physically attractive.
Yes it’s superficial, but guess what, a big part of sexual attraction for men and women both is BIOLOGICALLY BASED on physical appearance. That is how God made us. If it weren’t so, obese people would be as sexually desirable as athletes.
Being married doesn’t change this, you will still love your partner if he gains 100 pounds (or decides that showering is not for him), but chances are you’re not going to sexually desire him.
If the OP’s husband is in this position, why is it “worthless” to advise him to fix it? Being more sexually attractive might well lead to more sex with his wife.
I never said this was the only thing, and there are many other components to sexual attraction. But this is one of them, and if a man wants his wife to desire him he should do his best to improve in every way, including the superficial.
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Cat
Guest
Are you old enough to remember the famous Ann Landers survey about twenty years ago? Basically she asked women if they would be content to never have sex again, as long as they could have cuddling.
70% of the women who responded said that they would be just fine with no sex, ever.
The age spread was across the boards, not just old menopausal biddies like me! (BTW, I’ve found that my libido is increasing during menopause.)
I think that it’s probably just the way women are made. Most women are not filled with desire often, and there’s nothing wrong with them. They don’t have the constant drive to have sex like men do. They can forget about sex for hours and hours, while studies show that most men think about sex every few minutes. Many women never masturbate (although more do than admit it!), while most men struggle with a masturbation habit.
Women aren’t turned on visually, so they can look at catalogues full of half-naked men and women and not even think about sex–they actually look at the fashions and try to decide whether they’re worth buying. Men find this amazing!
And women are easily distractible because they use both sides of their brain all the time. A man, on the other hand, only uses one side of his brain at a time, so he can forget everything, even bombs falling around him, even…gasp!..the crying child in the next room!–while he’s having sex!
Once more, I’m NOT saying that a woman should ever FAKE anything. But surely lying down with the man you love and had children with, allowing him to caress you and kiss you, and become one with you, is not a miserable or painful chore that requires “faking” anything. Do you think it is miserable? I don’t understand this.
If it is miserable or painful, yes, there are underlying problems that require diagnosis and treatment.
But perhaps the woman needs to adjust her expectations of what good sex is.
Certainly a woman may not achieve an orgasm in all sexual encounters with her husband, especially the “quickies” that she agrees to mainly for his sake.
She may not even feel a lot of exquisite pleasure, although for most women, sex is not an unpleasant experience even without the orgasm. Just being close to your husband, smelling his cologne or soap, running your fingers through his hair or across his scalp, feeling his muscles and the warmth and heaviness of his body, marveling at his flat chest next to your breasts, touching the birthmarks that only you know about, seeing the scar from his emergency surgery, hearing his purrs and moans of pleasure, kissing his sweet mouth, watching his face as he climaxes–surely most women don’t have to fake their pleasure in these things, do they?!
Sex, like many other activities in life, does not have to be a mountain-top experience to be pleasurable and satisfying. There is no need for faking.
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whatevergirl
Guest
*lol That’s funny Cat…women use both sides of our brain. I always thought that…but never knew it was FACT. 
I think that this explains much. I used to also have one ear open for the kids when they were little…and my husband wondered why I couldn’t concentrate. :hypno:
Aside from sex, sometimes, I wish I could stay focused on one thing like a man…complete the task, and move on. Often, women are better multi-taskers, and thus, I have a lot of things juggling in the air, but not completing any one task. * :juggle:
I think that this explains much. I used to also have one ear open for the kids when they were little…and my husband wondered why I couldn’t concentrate. :hypno:
Aside from sex, sometimes, I wish I could stay focused on one thing like a man…complete the task, and move on. Often, women are better multi-taskers, and thus, I have a lot of things juggling in the air, but not completing any one task.
* :juggle:
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Leonius
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That is because as I keep saying you are not a Catholic and do not have the correct understanding of sexuality.
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Leonius
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Like I said worthless and irrelevant, your ideas are all wrong.
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