How old is too old for children to have toys and/or food at Mass?

[MissRose73]

Not counting infants and toddlers up to 3 years of course, how old is too old for parents to bring toys and/or food to Mass for children over the age of 3?

Background: yesterday, there was a baptism and there were about 3 or 4 kids that appeared to be around the ages of 4 to 6 playing with matchbox type cars and Barbie dolls. You could not miss them as I was right behind them, and at certain points, some items were dropped forcing the parents to pick up the toys that fell under the chairs.

Another time, there was a baptism, and a few small similar toys (cars and barbies) were dropped (which the parents made no effort to get but others nearby picked them up then gave them to the child or parent) and also after Mass, the ushers had to pick up cheerios and bits of dropped food from a few toddlers/preschoolers that were on the seats or the floor.

When I have gone to EF Masses or EC Divine Liturgy, I seldom see parents bringing toys and food for kids who are older than 3 or 4. If they do, its one item like a stuffed animal or a baby doll that makes no noise, and the parents make sure they pick up the food dropped before leaving.

 

[Brianmcg321]

My daughter is 6 and she brings a small backpack of books to read and a couple of barbies or whatever.

She will sit and read to her dolls. After she’s done with that she does some puzzles that are in the cry room.

I bet you wouldn’t mind the toys if you saw how the kids acted with nothing to occupy them. At that age they are going to play with SOMETHING. lol.

I feel once my daughter is 7-8 she will be able to sit on her own without the distractions. She will also be able to read along in the missal.

 

[babochka]

We’ve never really done toys or food for any of our 6 children, and the reasons are practical. We did try it briefly, when my 2nd was a toddler. She would loudly scream any time she didn’t get the toy she wanted,w hich was considerably more distracting than whatever else she would have been doing instead. My eldest would throw whatever toy was given to him, for the sheer joy of throwing it. We did occasionally bring cheerios to slip them one or two at a time, but that ended pretty early as well. I don’t think we were doing that by the 4th kid. Everybody wanted in on it and I wasn’t going there. Generally speaking, we just tough it out and take them out when they need a break. It can be done.

Perhaps the children at the baptism weren’t used to being in church and had only come for the special occasion?

 

[MSSheBear]

I have notice that baptisms and First Communions bring a lot of unpracticed worshippers with them which can be a good thing. But a little bugaboo of mine is people having to eat everywhere. At the last Protestant church I attended the attenders would bring in lattes and doughnuts to eat during the worship service. Yes, there were serious spills. Once we have gotten beyond babyhood we should not be eating during Mass or in the library or in the bank.:sad_yes::dts:

That said there is a difference of opinion about whether children need toys in Mass. Honestly one quiet toy shouldn’t be that obnoxious especially if the last Mass the child went to was on Christmas Eve.

 

[ChibiViolet]

No food should be allowed in church (the part reserved for worship, I mean) unless there is a medical reason for it. It makes a mess and attracts bugs and rodents. As for toys, I’d say it depends on the maturity of the child. If they can be made to understand how they should pay attention to the Mass than they shouldn’t have to have a toy, unless they are very attached to the toy, going nowhere without it and can pay attention even when they have it.

 

[pianistclare]

I work in a church.
NO FOOD. Period.
I don’t get why parents will not believe that their kids are not helpless monsters that constantly have to be pacified???

Soft toys only. We have soft play rosaries (spongy) and cloth little missal books available.
There are cry rooms, nurseries, and also children who know what church is and can behave for small bits and maybe walk around outside during the homily, and if they get really antsy as well.
Managing and working with children is a parents’ job.
I used to keep children in addition to my own. I took 5 kids under 5 to daily Mass. People thought I was some sort of wonder worker. I was not, and I never slapped a child, or got unduly angry with them. They just followed my lead, Mass was short, and their parents thanked me for “getting them used” to church for the Sunday Masses.

Which reminds me:
If you are a person with the time…VOLUNTEEER to work the Baby Nursery.
Those parents of fussy children need you help! Your pastor will thank you!

 

[nodito]

I don’t think children should have food at Mass, but I can understand why parents do it. I’m trying to cut back on nursing my youngest during Mass so she doesn’t get in the habit of always eating in Church.

We do books and toys and I’ve always thought I’d cut back when they reached age 6 so they could spend the year before their first Communion paying more attention. When we don’t bring toys they stack and play with the missals, which doesn’t seem any better to me. A puzzle book will keep my 4 year old occupied and quiet for a solid twenty minutes.

We don’t want them to learn that they’ll get to walk around outside or play loudly in the cry room if they get fussy, so if they’re too noisy we go out in the hallway and just hold them, which they hate. And I hate it too: It’s hard to hold a heavy 4 year old when you’re pregnant! So I far prefer little distractions to keep them quiet in Church.

 

[pensmama87]

I can only speak for my children and what we practice as a family. I cannot speak to the issues that other families are dealing with.

Our rules are soft toys only and a few religious children’s books. I used to let them bring a wood bead rosary, but then they discovered they could make great noises banging it on the pews, so now that’s an at-home thing only.

I have never brought food, but I do nurse children in church until they are around 18 months or so (my oldest did on occasion until 2 when he was really really difficult).

The toys and books get played with most during the homily. The rest of the time, they can watch what’s going on and/or say the prayers and responses. I don’t enforce that, but that’s just been how it shakes out, which IMO is fine. It’s hard for little kids to listen to homilies.

I will admit that I do bribe my children to behave. If they are good, we have a special treat after Mass (donut, muffin, Daddy makes pancakes or waffles for brunch, etc.) They know the expectations: no being loud, no grabbing at other people or their things, and that once we sit/stand/kneel they have to choose their spot on the pew and stay there. They get three strikes and if they reach that, no treat. Seeing the rest of the family enjoy their treat, when you don’t get yours, has been a really big incentive for them to behave and actually most of the time they do pretty well.

We also almost always go to Mass as a family, we sit in a pew that is blocked off on one end so they can’t escape, and we go at the best time for their behavior (seriously, if we miss that Mass, it can be a nightmare scenario). Frankly, it takes a lot of time and effort. I’m aware that lots of parents don’t see the need for that, but at the same time I’m glad they are at Mass and I’m sure most of them are genuinely trying to do what they feel they need to to keep their children quiet and reasonably well behaved. Some people probably think I should bring more stuff instead of whispering to my children, “OK, now we are going to sing the Gloria and then we will sit down and listen to the readings.” “Look at what Father is doing.” “Now pick your spot. No, on your brother’s head is not an okay spot.”

There’s also a lot of non-visible stuff that can be going on in a family. Disabilities are a big one, but also parents having a really rough time, or nobody slept the night before so “whatever will keep them quiet, please!” You just don’t know. Would it be good if they were able to pick up after themselves? Yes. Do I like that every children’s activity now involves snack time? No. But I do try to consider that what I see at Mass, especially with unfamiliar folks, definitely does not tell the whole story about a family’s culture and approach to religion, and that some days are just harder than others.

 

[Allegra]

I work in a church.
NO FOOD. Period.
I don’t get why parents will not believe that their kids are not helpless monsters that constantly have to be pacified???

Soft toys only. We have soft play rosaries (spongy) and cloth little missal books available.
There are cry rooms, nurseries, and also children who know what church is and can behave for small bits and maybe walk around outside during the homily, and if they get really antsy as well.
Managing and working with children is a parents’ job.
I used to keep children in addition to my own. I took 5 kids under 5 to daily Mass. People thought I was some sort of wonder worker. I was not, and I never slapped a child, or got unduly angry with them. They just followed my lead, Mass was short, and their parents thanked me for “getting them used” to church for the Sunday Masses.

Which reminds me:
If you are a person with the time…VOLUNTEEER to work the Baby Nursery.
Those parents of fussy children need you help! Your pastor will thank you!

We work in a parish church too. Our family is often there for multiple Masses in one day. Our baby gets hungry and eats a cereal bar and has a sippy cup. We give her books to look at and quiet toys to play with. We clean up after her. My child isn’t old enough to explain that she’ll get food later and is certainly not old enough to understand the prayers and hymns of the Mass. I would rather clean up some crumbs and get scowls from judgmental people who ought to be minding their own business then have her constantly crying and trying to crawl out of her seat and disrupting the Mass for me and for others.

 

[pensmama87]

We do books and toys and I’ve always thought I’d cut back when they reached age 6 so they could spend the year before their first Communion paying more attention. When we don’t bring toys they stack and play with the missals, which doesn’t seem any better to me. A puzzle book will keep my 4 year old occupied and quiet for a solid twenty minutes.

I actually don’t mind that my children do this. They see other people looking at them, so they like to flip through the pages and pretend to be reading. Ours are soft-covered, so not noisy, and they’ve never been kids who are prone to rip books (some kids seem to especially delight in the sound of ripping paper), so it works for me that they amuse themselves with what’s available in the pew.

We don’t want them to learn that they’ll get to walk around outside or play loudly in the cry room if they get fussy, so if they’re too noisy we go out in the hallway and just hold them, which they hate. And I hate it too: It’s hard to hold a heavy 4 year old when you’re pregnant! So I far prefer little distractions to keep them quiet in Church.

We do the same. Being removed from Mass is, for us, the opposite of fun time. A fussy baby may be walked and rocked, but once they get to toddler stage they tend to resent just being held. We make being in the pews and being quiet more fun than being removed, and that has worked well for us.

 

[RCbkr]

I fault no one who does whatever to bring young children to Mass. Children belong at church every week. It’s their church, too.

Taking a child to church provides such teachable moments. When I was to take my three-year-old Presbyterian grandson to Sunday Mass, I took him to the empty church on Friday afternoon first. I told him that it was a quiet, special place. We walked around whispering and looked at the colorful windows and statues. We lit a candle and knelt to pray. I told him that there would be more people there on Sunday and that we would be kneeling and standing and singing and praying. I also told him that he would need to be quiet and only whisper if he needed to tell my anything. We took no toys with us to Mass. We sat near the front where he could see everything that was going on, and I whispered instructions to him. He wiggled, paged through the hymnal, knelt, stood, and sat, but he never spoke outloud or caused any disturbance. I figured if he could sit at school and at home, he could make an hour or less at Mass without being entertained. I was prepared to leave with him if he didn’t behave, but that wasn’t necessary.

 

[Allegra]

We don’t want them to learn that they’ll get to walk around outside or play loudly in the cry room if they get fussy, so if they’re too noisy we go out in the hallway and just hold them, which they hate. And I hate it too: It’s hard to hold a heavy 4 year old when you’re pregnant! So I far prefer little distractions to keep them quiet in Church.

This. The “cry room” is a zoo. No one in there is learning to behave in Church. The only time I took her in there was for a Confirmation Mass. Someone had a laptop and the kids were watching “Cars”. Besides that, I’m generally involved in the music ministry, so I obviously can’t take my child to the cry room anyway. My girl sits quietly in her little toddler seat, and is rarely a problem or a distraction. I’d much rather have her behaving herself in Mass with a cereal bar and sippy cup then expecting that every time she walks into a Church she gets to go in the “cry room” and run around the chairs or watch a movie.

 

[nodito]

But I do try to consider that what I see at Mass, especially with unfamiliar folks, definitely does not tell the whole story about a family’s culture and approach to religion, and that some days are just harder than others.

Oh, but that everyone would think as you!

I love when we sit near elderly couples who offer sympathetic smiles throughout Mass. One time I apologized to a lady when my son was being unusually unruly and she smiled and said, “Oh, sweetie, I raised six of them!” In my experience, it’s harder to be near younger, childless couples who don’t realize the work involved in keeping them quiet.

Recently I’ve been reflecting on how past generations did it, and whether our way is actually better or not. After one Mass that I found particularly difficult, I asked my Nana (mom of 8) how she managed so many children at Mass. She told me that she and Pap had gone to separate Masses for years.

At first I found that odd, but I don’t think it’s a historical anomaly. St. Therese writes in her autobiography that when she was still too little to go to Mass she would wait at home for her older sisters anxiously so she could receive the pretend Eucharist from them and play Mass when they returned. So she must have been, what, four? Of course I like that children are now (usually) welcomed at Mass and that it’s normal to bring them, but I also somewhat lament the fact that most parents don’t have the opportunity to leave children with extended family members or live-in help so they can attend and actually concentrate on Mass. I guess that’s what some posters mean when they refer to the babysitting room? I’ve never been to a Catholic Church that has one.

 

[pensmama87]

Oh, but that everyone would think as you!

I love when we sit near elderly couples who offer sympathetic smiles throughout Mass. One time I apologized to a lady when my son was being unusually unruly and she smiled and said, “Oh, sweetie, I raised six of them!” In my experience, it’s harder to be near younger, childless couples who don’t realize the work involved in keeping them quiet.

My four year old has done much to cure me of judgmental attitudes towards other parents.

Some children are very easygoing and not hard to raise. My mother was blessed that ALL of her children were like this (and she is, herself). I remember when she thoughtfully remarked to me that it actually wasn’t anything that I was doing or not doing, but maybe that my oldest just really was an exceptionally strong-willed child. I still try hard to parent him well, and think his will could very well be an asset as an adult, but oh boy do I get that there are hard days and days I want to give up and there are things that are just not visible to people who don’t know my family well.

So I try to extend that kindness to other families as well.

 

[pianistclare]

I’m not judgmental.
I am also not speaking to those who actually teach and manage their children’s Mass behavior.
I’m talking about those run-amok parenting styles.
There’s more of those than those of you who are really trying to do their best by their children as faithful Catholics.
There are far more “could care less” people, which is why those who are engaged parents are getting those judgmental stares.

 

[Isca]

Today Father actually paused during the Mass, because one little toddler was being particularly screamy. He usually soldiers on regardless, but on this occasion the child was louder than him. . It was the early-morning service, but it seems that this new church I’ve started to attend has many young families there (or more commonly, mothers trying to manage the kids alone), rather than at the late morning Mass.

I don’t know how it works in the USA, but in England the small children go out with the ‘Sunday School’ teachers (and the parents, if the children are tinies) just before the Liturgy of the Word begins, and they all return after the Homily. They come back with their colouring or other Scripture-related activity they’ve completed.

At the other parish I attend, the priest makes a big thing of looking at all the work the kids have done when they return. It’s very sweet, they all hold up their paper for him to admire.

 

[SMHW]

I get that children may need a quiet toy to distract them but unless this is a baby or there is some medical condition I don’t get the need for food.

My children are well past the age I have to worry about this but I am hoping I might have to take grandchildren to Mass someday.

When I was growing up in the early 1960s was very common for parents to attend separate Masses, at least for Irish-American Catholic families. (I got the sense that the Italian and Hispanic families were more likely to attend Mass as a family.) I got the sense that my parents had been raised the same way that I was.

When we did attend Mass as a family we had soft cover prayer books and children’s missals or bibles with lots of colored pictures. A blanket or stuffed toy was a possibility. Never food, unless it was a baby’s bottle. (This was when nursing was probably at an all time low.)

I think one of the biggest things that was different was that children were expected to observe quiet time at home and other places in a way that was similar to how it would be at Mass. I don’t think children are expected to
I had three very different children so I understand that what works with one child may or may not work with another. Likewise, as the number of family members increases, it may get harder to manage everyone.

 

[Aran_Houlihan]

I work in a church.
NO FOOD. Period.
I don’t get why parents will not believe that their kids are not helpless monsters that constantly have to be pacified???

Soft toys only. We have soft play rosaries (spongy) and cloth little missal books available.
There are cry rooms, nurseries, and also children who know what church is and can behave for small bits and maybe walk around outside during the homily, and if they get really antsy as well.
Managing and working with children is a parents’ job.
I used to keep children in addition to my own. I took 5 kids under 5 to daily Mass. People thought I was some sort of wonder worker. I was not, and I never slapped a child, or got unduly angry with them. They just followed my lead, Mass was short, and their parents thanked me for “getting them used” to church for the Sunday Masses.

Which reminds me:
If you are a person with the time…VOLUNTEEER to work the Baby Nursery.
Those parents of fussy children need you help! Your pastor will thank you!

I agree with no food in chruch as the church will be full of litter and halfe eaten food

 

[zab]

How old is too old to have toys at Mass? Well, that is hard to give a definitive answer. I’d be more inclined to answer the question if it were from a parent who was sincerely interested in knowing what is appropriate. But when the question seems to come as a complaint about what other parents are allowing, then I am more reluctant to answer the question. Every situation is different. As pointed out by others, we do not what know what issues another parent is going through.
https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/...u_vVsxcLV8ajNAZs_aBApMbn-eeY3wTgMWfTr10h6_i7Q

 

[babochka]

I agree with no food in chruch as the church will be full of litter and halfe eaten food

On the rare occasions in which I have brought food into church, it was a ziplock bag of cheerios. The cheerios went one at a time from my fingers into the toddler’s mouth. No mess. I stopped doing that many years and several children ago, though. It gets more problematic after you have more than two kids.