How should I proceed?

[SomeCatholicGuy]

I met this girl online on a Catholic site. It’s still very early, but she’s a great gal, and best of all, she seems to be interested! The caveat is that she and I live a thousand miles apart; in fact, in her profile, she specifically said that she’s hoping to find someone locally, and yet she’s still talking to me for some reason. I just got her number, and am planning to give her a call soon. I like this girl, but I guess I’m just a little unsure as how to best approach this, given the distance and all. I even hinted at going to see her at some point in one of my messages, and she didn’t appear to be against the idea. I would certainly like to get to know her better, and I guess I’ll have a better idea after the phone call, but I’m just wondering what’s the correct dating etiquette in this situation? When should I bring up the subject of meeting? When should I bring up the distance issue? Should I wait till after an in-person meeting? I’m also a bit wary, because I’ve been burned in the past. Any suggestions/pointers you have would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Catholic1954]

Give her a call and take it ONE STEP AT A TIME. You two will figure it out. She sounds like a nice girl. Good Luck!!

 

[dulcissima]

The distance issue is definitely the very large elephant in the room that would be silly to ignore. There are many things you need to talk about, and early on, if you are going to invest any time in each other. I don’t know if I tend to be overly direct or not, but I think I would want to talk about the what ifs almost immediately.

 

[luvchrist4ever]

That is exciting. I met my husband on a Catholic site as well. We lived over 1000 miles apart too, but once we stated talking a lot we decided to try and make it work. We knew that if it was God’s will, things would work out. After several weeks of talking online, we moved to phone conversations and then a few months later he came out to see me for a week. After that, we decided we needed to live closer together for things to develop so I packed up and moved to Houston. Best decision I ever made, as we are now married and expecting our first baby in a month!

We talked pretty early on about the feasibility of one of us moving, and I suggest you do this as well. You don’t want to get too attached and find out later that it will be impossible for you guys to live near one another. Then again, people do make long distance relationships work. This possibility needs to be discussed as well.

Good luck!!

 

[Rascalking]

Like everyone else said, be careful and slow. Talking with someone online is very different than getting to know them face to face.

The distance factor can also be difficult. The odds might be against you, but go for it! You never know what can happen!

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Thank you all for your replies so far. I appreciate it!

The distance issue is definitely the very large elephant in the room that would be silly to ignore. There are many things you need to talk about, and early on, if you are going to invest any time in each other. I don’t know if I tend to be overly direct or not, but I think I would want to talk about the what ifs almost immediately.

Yea, I agree that it’s a very big elephant, but I don’t know how to bring it up, or whether I should at this point. My feeling is that I will let it take its course for a while, and if it progresses to a point where discussing this becomes necessary, I’ll bring it up, if she doesn’t first.

So what do you guys think is going through her head right now?

 

[Rascalking]

She’s probably a bit nervous, just like you are. Asking the same questions, feeling some of the same emotions.

Keep in mind that some of what you BOTH might be feeling is the fantasy of meeting someone online, and far away at that. That could cloud both of your emotions-so please be careful!

 

[OLHope]

Finally! I think you found what you were looking for all this time. You both like each other, that is a great first step. The LDR can be discussed as long as your communication is steady, constant, and in good taste for about a month or two, I would actually figure out what her intentions and goals are, and figure out if she is enthused to have you part of it. Eventually one person would have to move toward the other, or find a common ground somewhere. Right now is no where near that. I think if you or her draw up on your past experiences with LDR, you can figure out if it is able to work.

As you may have read from these forums, many people can make an LDR work. There is no reason not to with today’s technology. If I am interested, I make an effort to send along an email, a text, or a call as long as I receive it back. That is a good sign that things are going well and both people are still interested.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

OK, I’ll be calling her for the first time tonight. Please wish me luck!

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

OK, a little update. I called her Sunday night, but she didn’t pick up, so I left a message. She called back Monday night, but I was out in the middle of something, so I was only able to talk to her briefly; we agreed to chat again the next day. So I called her tonight, and we had a pleasant one-hour conversation. I was glad that I was able to make her laugh a lot - imagine that, a girl who laughs at my jokes! At the end of the call, she wanted to set up another time to chat, so we’ve made plans to chat again this Saturday, though I’d have to get up early for it.

So it seems that it’s going well. The topic of distance did kind of come up in one form or another, but I think both of us tried to not get into it and just skirted around it. The related topic of me possibly going to business school also came up; I couldn’t tell what she thought of it, because she didn’t comment much on that. I also hinted at going to her state, disguised as a school visit - which is legit and something I need to do - but I think she was caught a bit off-guard. The good thing is that she still seems enthusiastic about wanting to keep talking, so that’s good.

I’m just kind of wondering when I should “officially” bring up the topic of going there to visit her, and also when I should bring up the distance thing. I think I may be onto something here, because she’s got a lot of the qualities that I’m looking for.

 

[OraProNobisIHM]

OK, a little update. I called her Sunday night, but she didn’t pick up, so I left a message. She called back Monday night, but I was out in the middle of something, so I was only able to talk to her briefly; we agreed to chat again the next day. So I called her tonight, and we had a pleasant one-hour conversation. I was glad that I was able to make her laugh a lot - imagine that, a girl who laughs at my jokes! At the end of the call, she wanted to set up another time to chat, so we’ve made plans to chat again this Saturday, though I’d have to get up early for it.

So it seems that it’s going well. The topic of distance did kind of come up in one form or another, but I think both of us tried to not get into it and just skirted around it. The related topic of me possibly going to business school also came up; I couldn’t tell what she thought of it, because she didn’t comment much on that. I also hinted at going to her state, disguised as a school visit - which is legit and something I need to do - but I think she was caught a bit off-guard. The good thing is that she still seems enthusiastic about wanting to keep talking, so that’s good.

I’m just kind of wondering when I should “officially” bring up the topic of going there to visit her, and also when I should bring up the distance thing. I think I may be onto something here, because she’s got a lot of the qualities that I’m looking for.

I’d say give it about a month of steady talking before you broach further the idea of visiting her state. No offense, but to me (21 year old engineering major), I find the whole meeting a person online thing kinda creepy, and you definitely don’t want to become a creeper. Plus, if she’s still calling and talking to you in a month, she’s either a) really bored, b) has no friends, or c) is into being your friend.

I definitely hope and wish for the best for you (and her), and that God leads you where you need to be!

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

I’d say give it about a month of steady talking before you broach further the idea of visiting her state. No offense, but to me (21 year old engineering major), I find the whole meeting a person online thing kinda creepy, and you definitely don’t want to become a creeper. Plus, if she’s still calling and talking to you in a month, she’s either a) really bored, b) has no friends, or c) is into being your friend.

Well, I hope you realize that you just called 20 million Americans who are active on dating sites “creepy,” and that you categorically put all the women in the category of being “really bored” or “has no friends.” That said, I have to admit that I used to think like you do, but that’s when I was still in college. In college, it’s really easy to meet people, but once you get out of college and start working, it becomes much harder. And if you’re looking for a smart, cute girl who’s a practicing Catholic and clicks with you, well, my friend, that’s a very tall order. Personally, I see it as just another way of meeting people, much like going to the library, the supermarket, or church events. I’m actually of the mind that if she and I seemed to really click, it’s best to meet as soon as possible, because you just don’t know until you actually meet in person. If I were to visit her, it’d most likely be sometime in early August, perhaps.

I definitely hope and wish for the best for you (and her), and that God leads you where you need to be!

Thank you.

 

[lizaanne]

Well, I hope you realize that you just called 20 million Americans who are active on dating sites “creepy,” …

Never mind him, he’s been banned anyway.

You are doing just fine!. My husband immigrated from England to be with me after meeting on a Catholic forum. It took nearly two years to make that happen, but when it’s right you will know it, and you will know if it’s worth making it happen for you. We are going to celebrate our three year anniversary this year, and we are FAR from being “creep” or as pitiful as that poster seemed to imply.

Just take it slow and you will know the right time to bring things up. Just let it happen naturally and don’t try to script it too much.

~Liza

 

[1ke]

I’m just kind of wondering when I should “officially” bring up the topic of going there to visit her, and also when I should bring up the distance thing. I think I may be onto something here, because she’s got a lot of the qualities that I’m looking for.

Don’t overthink this!

You’ve only talked on the phone once.

Just talk on the phone and get to know her as a person, not a potential something else.

My DH and I talked on the phone for 4 months before we decided we should meet in person, and then it was another 2 months before we met in person. And, at the point where we decided we wanted to meet, we spent some time discussing “must have” and “deal breakers” because we did not want to invest in something emotionally or financially that was never going to move past friends.

If you are going to get so overly excited about this potential relationship that you are obsessing constantly about it, talking about meeting and the “long distance issue” after one phone call, etc-- she’s going to run for the hills.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Well, technically it’s the second time she and I spoke on the phone, although the first time was fairly brief. She and I have been chatting via email/phone for almost 3 weeks now. I’m planning to visit her state for a school visit, possibly in August. Should I ask her if she and I can meet up during the trip, or should I wait? It’s kind of hard not to see her as a potential something, because she and I met on a Catholic marriage site. I agree that I should keep my expectations low, but aren’t Catholic not supposed to date just for the sake of dating?

 

[FastLearner]

I look at dating as just meeting people. There’s nothing wrong with going to dinner with someone and learning about them, is there? “Dating for the sake of dating” means that you’re going to meet a person and are completely closed to the idea of a relationship (e.g., you’re just going out to “hook up” or have a good time). What you should be doing is just “dating” - meeting women and getting to know them with the possibility that, if you run across the “right woman”, you’ll proceed to a more serious relationship (and if it’s your vocation, eventually to marriage).

What you want to avoid is setting your expectations to the point that you’re mentally skipping that “get to know you phase” - you’ve psyched yourself up so much that you’ll mentally accept this person as compatible and assume you know her, even if she’s not compatible and really know little about her. If you’re trying to plan out how you’ll move to her city before you’ve met her, I’m willing to bet you’ve mentally progressed past dating before your first date.

The problem with mentally skipping dating is that you’re losing an important step - getting know her and performing an initial screening before any sort of emotional attachment. This can lead to a dangerous situation with you make life decisions (like move), commit in a relationship to a person, or even marry a person that has obvious incompatibilities with you (have you ever heard someone in a relationship say “I can change him/her”?)

Keep this in mind when you go on a date: the probability that this particular women is the one God wants you to marry is about 1%. There’s a 99% chance that you shouldn’t marry this person. If you get lucky and beat the odds, that’s fantastic, but don’t expect it to happy. (and if that depresses you, just remember, you only need 1 match)

 

[1ke]

Well, technically it’s the second time she and I spoke on the phone, although the first time was fairly brief.

It is the first time you spoke with any substance or length. To say your first brief phone call was an actual conversation is stretching it.

She and I have been chatting via email/phone for almost 3 weeks now.

That’s nice, but it is not a very long time. There is an intial excitement that comes with getting to know someone. Just don’t get all your eggs in this basket based on three weeks of emails.

Also, you do not know that you are the only one she is talking to. She could be emailing with more than one person. At this stage, it is nothing more than simply getting to know one another, and there is no obligation on either party.

I’m planning to visit her state for a school visit, possibly in August. Should I ask her if she and I can meet up during the trip, or should I wait?

You should wait until August. Just because you will be in her state doesn’t mean you will be near where she lives (unless you are considering Rhode Island). She could be hours away or just down the street.

I suggest you firm up your plans regarding college visits, and then when you are within a few weeks, ask her if meeting would be something she’d like to work in.

It’s kind of hard not to see her as a potential something, because she and I met on a Catholic marriage site.

No site is a “marriage site.” They are meeting sites. Some with more serious marriage-minded individuals than others.

I did not mean you should not look at her with a view to the future. Certainly discernment is part of the process. However, you should not view her as anything other than a nice girl you are getting to know. Not as your girlfriend, not as your future wife, not even as someone with whom you are exclusively talking at this point. Three weeks is not very long.

If, after more talking, you desire to build a relationship with her-- tell her. See what she says. You’ve indicated you’ll be starting a school program, possibly in her state and possibly elsewhere. Well, that may indicate to her that you are several years away from being available for serious relationships or marriage. She’s also already indicated a preference for local versus long distance. Certainly the right person can change these ideas, but they are there.

I agree that I should keep my expectations low, but aren’t Catholic not supposed to date just for the sake of dating?

I’m just saying you seem a little overly focused on very little things that don’t add up to a relationship. Three weeks of emails and one phone discussion are not a relationship. You are already jumping to “I’m going to be in your state so maybe we can meet…” She obviously isn’t ready to commit to that. She doesn’t know you very well yet.

So, just take each conversation at face value, not thinking about what it might lead to.

If you are still talking to her regularly after a couple of months, then consider meeting.

 

[OLHope]

Don’t overthink this!

You’ve only talked on the phone once.

Just talk on the phone and get to know her as a person, not a potential something else.

My DH and I talked on the phone for 4 months before we decided we should meet in person, and then it was another 2 months before we met in person. And, at the point where we decided we wanted to meet, we spent some time discussing “must have” and “deal breakers” because we did not want to invest in something emotionally or financially that was never going to move past friends.

If you are going to get so overly excited about this potential relationship that you are obsessing constantly about it, talking about meeting and the “long distance issue” after one phone call, etc-- she’s going to run for the hills.

I think 1ke is right about not trying to over think this. Be cool, man! Calm, cool, and collected. Confident. It is all you can do for now. We can’t figure out what she is thinking as much as you can. Possibly moving there? That would help you, does she know this? Does she seem excited about it? 1Ke could be right about you mentioning to see her so fast, it could freak her out, or it will not. 1ke and Lily have more experience, if they say a few months, then I would take their word.

 

[OLHope]

I met this girl online on a Catholic site. It’s still very early, but she’s a great gal, and best of all, she seems to be interested! The caveat is that she and I live a thousand miles apart; in fact, in her profile, she specifically said that she’s hoping to find someone locally, and yet she’s still talking to me for some reason. I just got her number, and am planning to give her a call soon. I like this girl, but I guess I’m just a little unsure as how to best approach this, given the distance and all. I even hinted at going to see her at some point in one of my messages, and she didn’t appear to be against the idea. I would certainly like to get to know her better, and I guess I’ll have a better idea after the phone call, but I’m just wondering what’s the correct dating etiquette in this situation? When should I bring up the subject of meeting? When should I bring up the distance issue? Should I wait till after an in-person meeting? I’m also a bit wary, because I’ve been burned in the past. Any suggestions/pointers you have would be greatly appreciated!

There is no “official etiquette” on determining that with anyone. You can read all the dating manuals and books you want. What counts is your own personal etiquette and interest. She is going to read into that no matter how you speak, write, or behave. You must be you, and vice-versa.

 

[OLHope]

Communication is key, only speaking two or three times if you like each other over 2-3 weeks seems off for some reason. When I am in mutual fondness with someone, I communicate everyday, so the communication distancing is a bit hard to understand, but that is my style and the style of the circle of friends I keep. Maybe that is different for you or her. Is there enough mutual contact for you with this girl?

Asking about readiness for marriage, the LDR, and being exclusive could be seen as inappropriate at this time, being three weeks. It is obvious you want to settle down. Emailing those concerns to her may come off more direct whereas phone conversations can gingerly bring up the topic(s). Does not mean you may get a positive outcome either way. Best to wait and tough it out OR wait for her to bring it up. I am really crossing my fingers for you on this, you seem to have been searching so hard.

GBY!