How to act around my gay friend

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iwannabesomeone

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I have a friend who is gay. He knows I believe sex belongs in marriage between a man and a woman. Sometimes he’ll hug me, or rest his head on my shoulder, and I’ve scratched his head before. Once he came up behind me while I was on the computer and put his head on my should and his hands around me and hugged me. I just said, “Hey buddy!” Is it wrong for me to get very close to him because he is attracted to men? How should I act? Thanks.
 
It seems to me that unwanted displays of affection are inappropriate regardless of the genders involved. Perhaps you should tell him that his behavior is not appropriate and makes you uncomfortable.
 
I have gay friends - they do not touch me inappropriately nor do I scratch their head at any time. I also would not scratch the head of a woman friend, it is just inappropriate intimate behavior.

So in a nutshell, I suggest you follow the advice of the other poster and put the brakes on this behavior.

As to how to act around your gay friend, well I would start by removing the label and act around him as you would act around another human being. Treat him as you would like to be treated yourself.

N
 
iwannabesomeone said:
I have a friend who is gay. He knows I believe sex belongs in marriage between a man and a woman. Sometimes he’ll hug me, or rest his head on my shoulder, and I’ve scratched his head before. Once he came up behind me while I was on the computer and put his head on my should and his hands around me and hugged me. I just said, “Hey buddy!” Is it wrong for me to get very close to him because he is attracted to men? How should I act? Thanks.
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personally I don’t hang around gays
 
You didn’t say whether or not you’re uncomfortable with his casual physical affection, whether he might be attracted to you, how long you’ve known him, how close you are as friends, etc.

If you guys are basically like brothers, you don’t mind his physical expression, you’re absolutely sure he’s not misunderstanding or getting mixed messages from you, and he’s clear on where you stand, I don’t see the problem with a hug or a head-scratch from any friend.
 
The church does not teach, IMO, that to be good Catholics we need to stay away from Gays.

The best summary I have read on the Church’s stance on gays in in the 2006 pastoral letter of Boston Archbishop Sean O’Malley who said:

“If we tell people that sex outside of marriage is not a sin, we are deceiving people. If they believe this untruth, a life of virtue becomes all but impossible. Jesus teaches that discipleship implies taking up the cross each day and following him with love and courage. We know that friends and relatives of homosexual Catholics sometimes feel torn between their allegiance to Christ and their concern for their loved ones. I assure them that these goals are not incompatible. As Catholics we profess a firm belief in the dignity of each person and in the eternal destiny to which God calls us. Calling people to embrace the cross of discipleship, to live the commandments and at the same time assuring them that we love them as brothers and sisters can be difficult. Sometimes we are told: ‘If you do not accept my behavior, you do not love me.’ In reality we must communicate the exact opposite: ‘Because we love you, we cannot accept your behavior.’ God made us to be happy forever. That true and lasting happiness is accessible only by a path of conversion. Each of us has our own struggles in responding to the call to discipleship and holiness. We are not alone. Christ promised to be with us and has given us His Church and Sacraments to help us on the road.”

In my view, ALL children are God’s children. Avoiding gay people is not loving, and does not help us help them.

N
 
would yuo hang around stoners or fornicators too? if they’re outwardly expressing their sin constantly e.g. hitting on you if they’re gay then you shouldn’t hang around them because they are a bad influence
 
M249 said:
would yuo hang around stoners or fornicators too? if they’re outwardly expressing their sin constantly e.g. hitting on you if they’re gay then you shouldn’t hang around them because they are a bad influence
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If I stay away from sinners how can I help?

That would mean I should stop going to county jail to give spiritual advice to prisoners and set up mass weekly, as they surely are big sinners that unfortunately continue to sin even while in detention!

So, bringing this back to earth - I probably agree with you more than this thread may lead you to believe - but I believe vibe of hate towards gays does not help anyone. Of course we are not to promote ANY behavior that goes against what Jesus taught us. But do you really believe Jesus would avoid gays as part of his preaching today? is avoiding gays like lepers really what the Holy Spirit guides you to do in your heart of hearts? I find that hard to believe. Love them, and because you love them, make sure that they know that they are in sin - but never stop loving them.

N
 
It wasn’t the sinners Jesus condemned - he actively sought them out; it was the hypocritical Pharisees who were too clean and holy to go near sinners He condemned.

If Christians shouldn’t be friends with ‘stoners and fornicators’, how will they ever be exposed to the love of God? How will they ever see how God works in the lives of people who aren’t ‘stoners and fornicators’? St. Francis said, “Preach the Gospel; if necessary use words.” We don’t “preach the Gospel” by living lives apart like the Pharisees. We preach it by loving and by following the example of Jesus in the real world. It’s the people who’ve really screwed up who best understand and appreciate the gift of mercy and if we don’t show mercy, it won’t be shown to us.
 
“Preach the gospel; if necessary use words.”

Wow - I had forgotten about that quote - it is a great one to keep in front of us all the time. AMEN!
 
Youbetcha.

What I’d like to know is who among us should cast the first stone?
 
iwannabesomeone said:
I ? How should I act? Thanks.
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what would be your reaction of a straight male friend (or female for that matter) did this to you? that would depend on your culture, your own comfort level with PDAs, your family background. In some cultures and some families displays of affection between males are common and acceptable. I know how my brothers or other male relatives would react if any male approached them in this way. There is no reason to accept any kind of touching, words or actions from anyone that make you uncomfortable, that are inapproriate for the time, place and setting, just because you don’t wan’t to offend. You would certainly not teach your child to allow such touching on that grounds.
 
the OP was asked if he was uncomfortable with it but he’s never come back on the thread to answer.
 
Act in whatever way makes you feel comfortable, as long as you are kind and polite. Don’t be afraid to firmly tell him if he pushes the limit. That would be the same for any sexuality though.
 
iwannabesomeone said:
I have a friend who is gay. He knows I believe sex belongs in marriage between a man and a woman. Sometimes he’ll hug me, or rest his head on my shoulder, and I’ve scratched his head before. Once he came up behind me while I was on the computer and put his head on my should and his hands around me and hugged me. I just said, “Hey buddy!” Is it wrong for me to get very close to him because he is attracted to men? How should I act? Thanks.
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I don’t see anything against catholic rules here.
 
namikis said:
I have gay friends - they do not touch me inappropriately nor do I scratch their head at any time. I also would not scratch the head of a woman friend, it is just inappropriate intimate behavior.

So in a nutshell, I suggest you follow the advice of the other poster and put the brakes on this behavior.

As to how to act around your gay friend, well I would start by removing the label and act around him as you would act around another human being. Treat him as you would like to be treated yourself.

N
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+1! All good advice to the initial poster.

I have a friend that used to backhand slap my shoulder when we talked, not as a “correction” to me but rather as punctuation for his what he was saying. I asked him to stop.
 
M249 said:
would yuo hang around stoners or fornicators too? if they’re outwardly expressing their sin constantly e.g. hitting on you if they’re gay then you shouldn’t hang around them because they are a bad influence
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Good thing Jesus didn’t take this advice. 😉

Gay isn’t catchy. But if the OP is uncomfortable with such displays, he needs to put a stop to them now. Seems inappropriate to me.
 
If anyone touches you in ways you find inappropriate, you tell them to stop, regardless of whether they are straight or gay. Otherwise, don’t treat him any differently than you would your straight friends and be a witness to God for him.

I have bisexual tendencies. I choose chastity. My girl friends (including my roommate) know and they don’t treat me any differently. To them, I’m still like a sister to them and their opinion hasn’t changed. They support me in my walk to chastity. One of them, a very good Catholic, told me, “Hon, you’re called to chastity, just like I am and it’s a difficult struggle for all of us, but we can help each other.” My openly gay friends respect me for standing for what I believe in and for treating them like people, while knowing I disapprove of their lifestyle. One of my Catholic guy friends reminds me that I’m still worthy to be loved by a good guy (should God hold that for me), still a beautiful person, and his opinion of me (a high one) has not and will not change. My priest is very helpful to all of us with chastity (he works on two college campuses, so he probably has to be, lol).

I choose to be open about it because I want to show other people it’s still possible to be chaste and a good Catholic. Also, because I hope my struggle can help someone else.

I’d be really sad if people were told not to associate with me because of this. I believe Jesus would love them and show them how to be chaste, saying “Go and sin no more,” like He did with the woman who would have been stoned for adultery. I think, more than ever, they need to know that they are loved by God, that He alone can fulfill them, and that we accept people for who they are and that we should help all Catholics live a good Catholic life, while showing others how much Jesus really loves us.
 
That was a beautiful post, sanctamaria; thank you for your openness and trust.
 
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