How to ask a woman to lose weight

[Kepha15]

Ok…touchy subject here, and I’d like opinions from some women especially. It’s a popular notion in today’s society that it’s perfectly ok for a woman to ask a man to shed a couple pounds (albeit kindly), but for a man to ask a woman to do the same is punishable by death.

To all women out there especially (and men if they have any idea), what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?

 

[rosarywarrior]

Ok…touchy subject here, and I’d like opinions from some women especially. It’s a popular notion in today’s society that it’s perfectly ok for a woman to ask a man to shed a couple pounds (albeit kindly), but for a man to ask a woman to do the same is punishable by death.

To all women out there especially (and men if they have any idea), what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?

how about signing up both of you to a gym and going together?

 

[carol_marie]

To all women out there especially (and men if they have any idea), what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?

Do NOT ask her to lose weight. She already knows she needs to lose weight, if in fact she does. This is waaaaaaaaay too touchy of a subject… besides, are YOU physically perfect?

 

[Karin]

Do NOT ask her to lose weight. She already knows she needs to lose weight, if in fact she does. This is waaaaaaaaay too touchy of a subject… besides, are YOU physically perfect?

Have to agree with you Carol Marie!

If she is that overwieght where it is effecting her health then you should have her Doctor speak to her…and then sign yourselves BOTH up for some time at the gym…
If you want her to loose just a few pounds so she fits into your idea of a perfect female body then may I suggest keeping the “pie hole” (your mouth) shut.

 

[Karin]

Are you talking about your fiancee?
The one that has PCOS (from your other thread)…her wieght issue is more than likely tied to this condition and she should seek out a Doctor that can help her…The one doctor that comes to teh top of my head who deals with this condition alot is Dr.Hilgers…he has treatments for this condition that from what I understand once it is under control or being treated some woman have noticed that they loose weight.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

To all women out there especially (and men if they have any idea), what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?

You don’t ask. You just lead by example…

**if we are talking about a spouse. **

**Eat healthy yourself. If you do any of the cooking at all, find a nice, tasty, low cal meal and surprise her with dinner. But, of course, don’t mention that it is low cal (she’ll know) just say that it sounded appealing to you and you wanted to try it. **

If you don’t cook, learn!

Suggest that you two do something physical together (yes, THAT counts too…if you are married ) but I was thinking more along the lines of taking a walk together, going for a bike ride, any physical activity that can be started out gently and gradually increased as you both become more fit.

Turn it around into your problem. If you are not 100% in shape, tell her that you’ve noticed a few extra pounds when you look in the mirror and want to get in shape so that you can be the best husband/father you can be.

Be very careful not to be condescending or rude…EVER…even in a fight. It will stick with her and she won’t lose the weight.

As was already suggested, consider a medical reason for her extra weight…if indeed she has any. I sure hope you aren’t one of those guys that thinks 5 pounds over the ideal weight is obese!

Malia

 

[Kepha15]

Are you talking about your fiancee?
The one that has PCOS (from your other thread)…her wieght issue is more than likely tied to this condition and she should seek out a Doctor that can help her…The one doctor that comes to teh top of my head who deals with this condition alot is Dr.Hilgers…he has treatments for this condition that from what I understand once it is under control or being treated some woman have noticed that they loose weight.

Yes, actually this is what I am talking about. And I am aware that she has a medical condition which makes weight gain easier, but also that it can affect fertility and make using systems like NFP harder. The problem is that she doesn’t act like she cares about this. It seems like she is always eating the wrong things and making excuses not to go to the gym (we do both belong to a gym, but I am usually the one that has to beg her to go).

Yes, I am like most guys in that I would like to have a physically attractive wife, just as I’m sure she would like me to be physically fit. Marriage is supposed to be a total giving of oneself to the other person, and not taking care of your own body can be a reflection of that. That said, I don’t expect her to look like Heidi Klum. In fact, if she just gave an honest effort it would be good enough for me.

The last thing I want to do is offend her, but I don’t know how to let her know how I feel.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

The problem is that she doesn’t act like she cares about this. It seems like she is always eating the wrong things and making excuses not to go to the gym (we do both belong to a gym, but I am usually the one that has to beg her to go).

Marriage is supposed to be a total giving of oneself to the other person, and not taking care of your own body can be a reflection of that. That said, I don’t expect her to look like Heidi Klum. In fact, **if she just gave an honest effort it would be good enough for me. **

The last thing I want to do is offend her, but I don’t know how to let her know how I feel.

Well, this is where you need to do some honest soul searching. An issue like this can make or break a marriage.

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** Can you totally let go of this issue, or is it going to bother you over the months and years as you see her continue to neglect her health?**

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Be very honest with yourself, because if you marry her knowing how she is (her attitude etc) then you made your own bed… it woudn’t be fair of you to bring it up a month, a year, or 10 years into yhe marriage and expect her to change.

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If you can’t see yourself living with someone and have that person be a mother to your children (teaching them her views) then maybe you need to rethink the marriage.

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On the other hand, maybe you can just accept that this is how she is and love all of the good things about her and ignore the bad?

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Either way, you need to decide before the wedding!

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Malia

 

[Kepha15]

Turn it around into your problem. If you are not 100% in shape, tell her that you’ve noticed a few extra pounds when you look in the mirror and want to get in shape so that you can be the best husband/father you can be.

I don’t want to sound like the world’s biggest jerk here, but I actually am in very good physical shape. I definitely don’t mean that to sounds like I am full of myself, because I don’t think I’m perfect by any means, but it’s really hard to suggest losing weight this way, because she knows I don’t really need to.

Be very careful not to be condescending or rude…EVER…even in a fight. It will stick with her and she won’t lose the weight.

As was already suggested, consider a medical reason for her extra weight…if indeed she has any. I sure hope you aren’t one of those guys that thinks 5 pounds over the ideal weight is obese!

Of course I’m not. I never bring up her weight, even in a fight, and I really don’t like being demonized for asking this question. Again, I go back to my original statement…why is it acceptable for a woman to ask a man to lose weight, but a cardinal sin for a man to ask a woman?

 

[Damascus]

Is there any way you can get the doctor to play bad guy here?

I mean, if you take Karins suggestion and tell her she needs medical evaluation, maybe you can talk it over with the doctor on the side?

He may be willing to play the bad guy in this case (assuming he is a guy- the one you pick)
And you could go from there, slowly but surely.

I hope it works out.

Prayers!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I don’t want to sound like the world’s biggest jerk here, but I actually am in very good physical shape. I definitely don’t mean that to sounds like I am full of myself, because I don’t think I’m perfect by any means, but it’s really hard to suggest losing weight this way, because she knows I don’t really need to.

It sounds like you two have a different opinion of what’s important. It is important to you to be in good physical shape (I respect that) but not important to her. Can you live with that?

Of course I’m not. I never bring up her weight, even in a fight, and I really don’t like being demonized for asking this question.

Whoa! I didn’t intend for you to feel demonized at all. But I know men who do think that 5lbs is a big deal and would divorce over it. If you were one of those then I wouldn’t bother offering my opinion because you wouldn’t be open to it. I’m glad you’re one of the good guys.

Again, I go back to my original statement…why is it acceptable for a woman to ask a man to lose weight, but a cardinal sin for a man to ask a woman?

I don’t think it is like that. At least not in my marriage. Since my hubby has been on paternity leave he has put on a few pounds. I know it bothers him terribly and I don’t nag him about it. I know that as soon as he has the time, he will be back in the gym and those few pounds will come right off.

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My personal philosophy is that I wouldn’t say anything to him that I wouldn’t want him to say to me. And I wouldn’t say anything to him that I know would bother him regardless if it would bother me.

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The attitude you are speaking of comes from the whole feminist movement (evil feminists ). I used to think that way too. But I realized that it was insensitive and mean. I want to be a good wife…someone my husband can truly respect and admire.

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Malia

 

[Karin]

Yes, actually this is what I am talking about. And I am aware that she has a medical condition which makes weight gain easier, but also that it can affect fertility and make using systems like NFP harder. The problem is that she doesn’t act like she cares about this. It seems like she is always eating the wrong things and making excuses not to go to the gym (we do both belong to a gym, but I am usually the one that has to beg her to go).

Get her into an NFP doctor perferably one that is familiar and trained in Dr. Hilgers method…it is very accurate even with folks with PCOS…now in regards to her weight and the PCOS…get her into a doctor that is VERY familiar with PCOS and the various treatments out there…once she seeks treatment for PCOS she may notice weight loss as a side effect of the treatment and be motivated to pursue it further (going to the gym etc.)…

 

[carol_marie]

Again, I go back to my original statement…why is it acceptable for a woman to ask a man to lose weight, but a cardinal sin for a man to ask a woman?

Because that’s just the way it is. Telling her that she needs to lose some weight would hurt her so very much. I suppose it would be similar to (your wife) telling you that your BEEP is a bit small.

Ouch, huh?!

 

[Karin]

Malia…His finacee is not overwight becuase she over eats (I am sure that this does not help the situation) .but because of a medical condition PCOS…

 

[MJE]

Well I am of a different opinion. I am a woman and I think either a husband /wife asking the other ?'s about weight is reasonable. I would imagine if a woman knew her husband loved her, in thin times and fat times, a discussion of the problem could be beneficial. I think most woman want to look good and feel good, for themselves and for their husbands. However, if this issue has been the issue for a long time don’t bring it up. Weight can also be a symptom of something else like self loathing, low self esteem, anger, etc. And food can be soooo consoling.

 

[Jehanne_Darc]

Not knowing you and only reading what has been posted so far here are my two bits:

Are you loving enough to love when things get very irritating? Will you still be able to cope with her habit of not caring about what she eats and perhaps other destructive habits? Is she going to be a good role model for your daughters?

I agree that physique is not everything. But I know that I am very impatient and if I was married to say one of my dear dear overweight friends I would have crushed him with my impatient negative critical attitude in a few years. I would not be able to marry someone who can’t watch what they eat because I would hate them for it and hurt them for it.

If the above is NOT you then just let the whole thing be, or at least be very gentle about it and approach it from a health angle like: if we want to have children you will have ot be able to bear them and raise them honey how about we get in shape for that?

 

[3GirlsRUs]

I have PCOS as well. We just found it though with my cycle irregularities (put the irregularities I had before dd#3 was conceived along with the irregularities since dd#3 was born…and Bam! found it!)

Here is my .02: I don’t think you should ask your wife/fiancee to lose weight. I have struggled with my weight all my life. I was, at one time 60 pounds overweight. My DH never said a word to me. I knew I was overweight and when I was ready to put my mind to it to fix it (after dd#1 was born) I did. I still struggle and with the recent diagnosis of PCOS, I am hoping to work a steady diet in that is helpful so that I don’t yo-yo like I have for the past 7 years through 3 pregnancies and recoveries. I guess my point is…if your wife/fiancee is overweight, then she knows it and you vocalizing anything that could be construed as criticism about it could actually backfire on you. It would probably hurt her feelings and also put some sort of doubt in her head that you love her for who she is rather than what she looks like. I understand that physical attractiveness is an important attribute to you now…but once you’ve been married for 30, 40, 50 years…who cares? My grandparents have been married 64 years…my grandmother went through a point in her life where she weighed 300 pounds (depression from losing a child at the age of 4.5 was part of the conditions that led there)…but I bet you anything my grandfather never said a word to her about it. He is so devoted to her…I couldn’t imagine that he ever would have implied to her that she was anything less than perfect in the areas that really mattered (i.e., physical appearance wasn’t one of those areas, I’m betting)

As for women asking men to shed a few pounds? Where is this acceptable? I have never felt comfortable mentioning weight-related things to DH.

I agree with PP that if this is a deal-breaker, better to know it now if you’re not married yet.

 

[blessedtoo]

Again, I go back to my original statement…why is it acceptable for a woman to ask a man to lose weight, but a cardinal sin for a man to ask a woman?

In general, men do not overeat for the same reasons that women do. Females are more likely to overeat to comfort themselves emotionally. Therefore, when weight becomes an issue, they take it very, very personally. They see it more as a reflection of some great deficiency in themselves. Men, on the other hand, take it at face value: they eat or drink (beer usually) too much because they like to. End of story. It’s not a reflection of who they are as people.

I understand that physical attractiveness is an important attribute to you now…but once you’ve been married for 30, 40, 50 years…who cares?

I have to disagree with this. I think the importance of looking and feeling good about oneself should not be underestimated. I am not talking about compulsivity here, but a normal desire to look attractive and be comfortable in your own skin. There is no way that any human being can be comfortable carrying around 50, 60, or 100 extra pounds. The human body was not designed for that much weight. And the mind and heart, despite our political correct society and the big and beautiful brigade propoaganda, can not be at peace when your own body feels like it doesn’t fit.

My grandparents have been married 64 years…my grandmother went through a point in her life where she weighed 300 pounds **(depression from losing a child at the age of 4.5 was part of the conditions that led there)…**but I bet you anything my grandfather never said a word to her about it. He is so devoted to her…I couldn’t imagine that he ever would have implied to her that she was anything less than perfect in the areas that really mattered (i.e., physical appearance wasn’t one of those areas, I’m betting

This is an entirely different situation. But it speaks volumes about the obesity epidemic in this country. Depression, addiction, compulsion, loneliness, poor self-esteem, abuse: all these issues can and do manifest themselves in our eating habits. It is even more evidence that being overweight is not the condition our bodies should be in. It is visible proof that something inside is out of order. It is not a question of whether a spouse can love his overweight wife. As married partners, we love in the midst of all types of trial. It is really a question of self-love. As the OP said, he is disturbed by the fact that his fiancee doesn’t seem to care. Of course, we all know she probably does but has buried those feelings and used food to keep them buried. Perhaps a loving and compassionate discussion with the man who loves her might bring some clarity to the situation. I think we all know that when we are overweight, we like to believe that no one has “noticed”. After all, no one would ever dare say anything directly to an overweight person so that person can be pretty safe in their delusion that they don’t have a problem. Why do women always ask “do I look fat”? Because they know there is not a soul alive who would say “yup”!

 

[puzzleannie]

this issue is just one of many you have to settle before marriage: what physcial, emotional, spiritual, psychological health means to you, what you are willing and able to do individually and as a family to insure the health of the parents and children, and how you will cooperate as a couple in providing this for your family.

I don’t think the guy is worried that she might look a little porky when viewed in slacks from the rear, he sounds like he is worried she already has a chronic health issue, which will only get worse, if she does not take care of herself.

Having been on both sides of the battle, I can only state my opinion that a spouse who abuses themself, either through poor eating habits, lack of commitment to whatever medical program is prescribed, lack of exercise, is just as guilty of damaging the relationship as a spouse who uses illegal drugs, drinks or otherwises engages in self-abuse.

A married couple is literally one flesh, and to abuse oneself is to abuse one’s spouse, and this is a sacrilege against the sacrament of marriage. In fact, some psychologists would say this person is engaging in passive aggression in so doing. I am aware this is a very strong opinion but through observation and experience, and extensive counselling dealing with related issues, I think it is pretty sound.

bottom line, resolve this before marriage, the underlying attitude not just the behavior or outward appearance, or it will come back to haunt you. also remember the little fable about the pot and the kettle-- FW is right about leading by example.

 

[Karianne]

Ok…touchy subject here, and I’d like opinions from some women especially. It’s a popular notion in today’s society that it’s perfectly ok for a woman to ask a man to shed a couple pounds (albeit kindly), but for a man to ask a woman to do the same is punishable by death.

To all women out there especially (and men if they have any idea), what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?

When did it become ok for women to nag men about their weight?
I don’t think it’s okay to police each other in this way. If you are not married to this lady I think that it’s time to get away from her because it doesn’t sound like this is real true love.
She needs a husband, not a parent.
There are plenty of guys who like chubby girls, she will do just fine after she gets over her grieving period.