How to ask a woman to lose weight

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And to the women who don’t do anything about their appearance because they don’t think it would make a difference to their man, shame on you. Maybe the reason he doesn’t say anything is because he loves you too much to risk hurting your feelings. Just because he loves you the way you are doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be thrilled if you took an interest in improving the way you looked, if only because you know it would make him happy.

Women take it offensively if a man cares how they look, but by the same token, men can take it offensively if a woman doesn’t care how she looks. Taking care of yourself can be a way to show that you care about his feelings as well, especially if he’s loving enough to not make you feel self-conscious by pointing it out.

I’m afraid that’s a side of the coin that isn’t always mentioned. Women tend to think that if a man is at all concerned with appearances, he is a total shallow jerk, no matter how loving he is otherwise. It’s really offensive, and I’m not going to sit here and deny the way God designed me just to seem like a better person in some others’ eyes.

I really don’t believe that men are the bad guys if they think a thin woman is more attractive than a heavyset one. It has nothing to do with how much we love the woman, but the mere fact that that’s the way God designed us to operate, and that we can’t change it should at least be food for thought. If men can be loving by not pointing it out, why can’t women be loving by making an effort for their husbands?
 
I have been reading this one and am not really sure what to say. On the one hand, it does seem like you should be able to say what is on your mind and be honest. Ideally, that is the way that it should be. Just, realistically speaking, most women would not take such a request very well. So, practically speaking, I don’t think asking would have the desired effect. I think that is why people are telling you that you need to decide now if the weight thing is a make or break issue. Really, I agree with all of your points, but I just don’t see that there would be a good outcome if you brought this subject up. I know that’s not the way it should be, but I do think that is the way that it is.
 
Kepha,
All of the things you said in the above 2 posts are well and good. However, this woman is not your wife yet! I think the reason some of us sounded like we were “questioning” your relationship is that, since this weight issue is already bothering you, and you’re not yet married, it is something that you may want to re-evaluate BEFORE marrying. If your fiance’ has PCOS and does not care about working out and/or is not eating healthily, it seems unlikely that that will change any time soon. Is that something that you can live with after you marry? Most of us have been married for awhile, and are giving you advice based on our experience. I don’t think you’re being insensitive. You’re being honest; and so are we.
 
Kepha15 said:
And to the women who don’t do anything about their appearance because they don’t think it would make a difference to their man, shame on you. Maybe the reason he doesn’t say anything is because he loves you too much to risk hurting your feelings. Just because he loves you the way you are doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be thrilled if you took an interest in improving the way you looked, if only because you know it would make him happy.

Women take it offensively if a man cares how they look, but by the same token, men can take it offensively if a woman doesn’t care how she looks. Taking care of yourself can be a way to show that you care about his feelings as well, especially if he’s loving enough to not make you feel self-conscious by pointing it out.

I’m afraid that’s a side of the coin that isn’t always mentioned. Women tend to think that if a man is at all concerned with appearances, he is a total shallow jerk, no matter how loving he is otherwise. It’s really offensive, and I’m not going to sit here and deny the way God designed me just to seem like a better person in some others’ eyes.

I really don’t believe that men are the bad guys if they think a thin woman is more attractive than a heavyset one. It has nothing to do with how much we love the woman, but the mere fact that that’s the way God designed us to operate, and that we can’t change it should at least be food for thought. If men can be loving by not pointing it out, why can’t women be loving by making an effort for their husbands?
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I agree with you about the fact that the physical appearances thing is a two-way street. I hope my responses didn’t offend you…I was merely trying to provide a point of view from someone who has somewhat been in your fiancee’s shoes with the weight thing and how I think I would have reacted had my husband harped on me about my weight. Even if he’d had a “loving conversation” about it, no matter how I acted on the outside, I know that inside I would have been hurt and…yes, I would have questioned his love for me as a person. Wrong or right…that’s what would have happened in my warped little brain. As a person raised in a household that spawned three women (me and my sisters) with horrendous body image issues, unfortunately, I tie how people feel about me to the way I look. I know in my brain on some level that it’s not the case…but my brain and my emotions are what they are with regards to this.

I guess my only advice would be to tread very cautiously regarding the weight issue. Her health condition (PCOS) will impact her weight more than once in her married life. Right now (before kids, I’m guessing) the way she deals with PCOS and her weight issue will be different from the way she deals with it after each child. We didn’t discover my condition until just after this third pregnancy…but looking back, we can see the symptoms dating all the way back to before I had my first daughter. Actually, the fact that I lost 60 pounds after dd#1 was born has helped me get in the right frame of mind to take care of myself regarding the PCOS.

Honestly, though, I still stand by my contention that an weight problem is a lot like a smoking problem. I know many people who nagged and nagged their spouses to stop smoking only to find that their spouse finally quit when they really wanted to…i.e., that is when it was successfula nd the habit was quit for good. Since you mentioned that you thought your fiancee didn’t care about her health and her weight problem, I really think that no matter what you might say or do regarding it…she really has to WANT to change her lifestyle. She may want with all her heart to please you, especially because she loves you. However, the most successful weight loss and lifestyle changes seem to actually happen when the desire for that is in the heart of the person that needs to change…not necessarily just because a fiancee, a spouse, a mom, a dad or anyone else wants to see the change.

Edit: I have a friend who had a husband who was 100 pounds overweight. She told me one day, “You know, I just thought the best thing I could do was pray that his heart was changed that he would want to change his lifestyle.” She went on to tell me that about 18 months after she started praying this specific intention, her husband signed up for a weight loss program under no prompting of hers, or his doctor, to her knowledge. His weight loss has been permanent since that time. Something to consider…the prayer angle, that is.
 
Kepha, there’s no need to feel like anybody’s calling you an insensitive jerk. That wasn’t my intention at least. I don’t believe anybody questioned your affection for your fiance. If you go back and read what some people wrote, you will see that those who raised the possibility that you’re not right for each other also said that you have every right to feel the way you do about appearances.

We’re just speaking from experience when we say that it could be a bad idea to pledge yourself for life to someone who has a physical appearance you are critical of (and someone who doesn’t seem to place an high value on being thin, like you do).

It’s perfectly ok to recognize your God-given preferences. But please do consider how unlikely it is that a woman would happily change her body for you, without any hard feelings. Please don’t discount our advice when we say that asking someone to lose weight is rarely successful. Like others have said, if having a thin wife is important to you, maybe you should consider courting a slender girl one rather than trying to make one.
 
Kepha I’m not saying you are a shallow jerk. And I don’t think you are a horrible person. Women know men a visual creatures. It’s quite obvious considering the popularity of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues and the like. What I am saying is if physical fitness is that important to you you would probably be happier with someone who has the same interest.

I can not think of a single way you could present your feelings on this issue to your girlfriend that would produce any constructive positive results. No matter how you word it even if you absolutely don’t mean it that way it’s going to come across as “you are not pretty enoguh for me”. If your girlfriend is comfortable with her body as it is you’re either going to have to decide if you can accept that or if you can’t.

I was slim all my life. When I married my husband I was a size five. I’m not anymore and although I’m not terribly overweight I know I need to lose a few pounds. I know I looked more attractive when I was slimmer. The answer I get from my husband every time I ask is “You are beautiful to me.” Do you think I don’t know that he found me more attractive when I was a slender size five. But not in a million years would he say that.

When I do go on a diet my husband gives me a lot of positive reenforcement (like if I say I lost three pounds he’ll say something very encouraging) and when I fall of the wagon and eat a half a bag of Hershey’s Kisses he says not one word.

You can’t ask someone to change for you, they need to do it for themselves. Women are especially famous for pulling the “If you love me you would do this.” But it’s not right and it’s not fair. You can’t love someones potential or what they could be if only…

Women totally get men are visual people. We know you find find slender physical fit women more attractive than the average housewife that’s put on a few pounds with each child. The thing is in the big scheme of life it’s just not everyones priority to work that hard to be a man’s fantasy.

I say this with no malice what-so-ever if this is something that really means a lot to you start dating women that you meet a the gym because being physically fit is obviously something they really value. That was my point, I’m sorry if it came across as harsh.

People have different values and interests. When it comes to marriage it makes things so much easier if you share the same ones with your spouse. It’s like being married to a homebody if you love traveling. I have a friend who runs marathons and her husband is really into physical fitness too so they match up really well. They are both constantly on the go into many different activities. This would be a nightmare for me. But because they both like this lifestyle they are happy together.

When I was reading your latest posts my husband was leaning over my shoulder and he cringed. He said even if you think these things you don’t say them to a woman. Maybe it’s not fair but it is the way it is. It’s just too sensitive of topic for most women.

When I first had our daughter (years ago) I had put on a little wieght from the pregnancy. I was complaining about being fat to my husband and my husband thinking he was being complimentary said “Honey, you’re not that fat.” What I heard from that is if I’m not “that fat” that means I’m “somewhat fat.” As immature as it was I completely lost it and burst into tears because I thought he thought I was fat. My husband couldn’t figure out what he did wrong. Now years later it’s funny and I tease him about the comment which he says I’ll never let him live down.

Ever here the phrase “The only person you can change is yourself.” Well it’s true. If you really love this woman as much as you say you do using the words you used you’ll love her too much to risk hurting her feelings.

Good luck to you.
 
I feel for you. Your trying to come out of this without seeming like a cold-hearted jerk. She’s feeling a bit insecure? Why would that be, she is feeling she is unloveable? What should you do, don’t bring it up and just leave? Will wouldn’t that make it seem like her insecurity was warrented for good reason? Wouldn’t that make you feel like you are a real jerk if you did that? Well, brother, throw out logic here, this is the realm of relationships, where logic and illogic are in a constant battle.

This reminds me of when I go out with some of my married friends. Where at the bar and this one can go on a huge rant, I might just sorta go along in agreement. But if I ever would go on a rant on my own about his wife like that, I’m sure the whole thing would be taken outside, and I’d end up on the sidewalk beaten. I’m sure I could throw out a ‘just leave her’ out like candy, but the thought repulses you. Why, you love her, and if you could drop it that easy, the whole situation would be a lot easier. Why try to change her, when the much easier option is just to go find someone more attrative, say at the gym? If you where really a cold-hearted jerk, it’d be way easy.

Look, you know you two have more issues on the table than the weight. You bright up weight, she’s going to feel insecure, which is going to drive you crazy, because her security is not an issue with you, if you were thinking of leaving, it’d be a lot easier to leave, and not even bring up the conversation making you feel like a jerk. It’s really her lack of concern of the whole matter, well actually more of her resistance to the whole idea, and not bring it up. You are going to have to sit down and think of why this matters to you, think of why it matters to her.

Sit down and have many heart to heart conversations about this. When I say this, I don’t mean the weight, don’t even bring that up. I mean it’s going to be a matter of how she sees herself and also probably in the light of the medical conditon. Basicly to to understand what exactly her attitude is and why it is like that. If you don’t, you know that this is just going to be a problem that festers in to all different kinds of problems. You really need to reconnect with her, and her to you.
 
Kepha15 said:
And to the women who don’t do anything about their appearance because they don’t think it would make a difference to their man, shame on you. Maybe the reason he doesn’t say anything is because he loves you too much to risk hurting your feelings. Just because he loves you the way you are doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be thrilled if you took an interest in improving the way you looked, if only because you know it would make him happy.

Women take it offensively if a man cares how they look, but by the same token, men can take it offensively if a woman doesn’t care how she looks. Taking care of yourself can be a way to show that you care about his feelings as well, especially if he’s loving enough to not make you feel self-conscious by pointing it out.

I’m afraid that’s a side of the coin that isn’t always mentioned. Women tend to think that if a man is at all concerned with appearances, he is a total shallow jerk, no matter how loving he is otherwise. It’s really offensive, and I’m not going to sit here and deny the way God designed me just to seem like a better person in some others’ eyes.

I really don’t believe that men are the bad guys if they think a thin woman is more attractive than a heavyset one. It has nothing to do with how much we love the woman, but the mere fact that that’s the way God designed us to operate, and that we can’t change it should at least be food for thought. If men can be loving by not pointing it out, why can’t women be loving by making an effort for their husbands?
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Did you read my post upthread? Not pointing it out is the least a husband can do, not the most.

Shortly after I submitted that post I re-read it and considered that as soon as men read that they might have to make some changes too they would lose interest in this thread. It’s no big deal to want to change someone else. It’s a different story if they have to lay down their life. And I’m sorry, “not pointing it out” is a 180 degrees from laying down one’s life.

I’m sorry Kepha, if this isn’t what you wanted to read. I’m not judging you but I am disagreeing with you. It’s not the same thing.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
I’m sorry Kepha, if this isn’t what you wanted to read. I’m not judging you but I am disagreeing with you. It’s not the same thing.
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LOL too funny. Yeah Kepha is going to have trouble hearing anything you say that doesn’t seem to imply that he is a jerk, just like he doesn’t know how to approach the subject with his fiance without her thinking that he is implying that she is too unattractive to be lovable.
 
I had to google and find out what POCS is. womentowomen.com/insulinresistance/pcos.asp?id=1&campaignno=pcos&adgroup=adgroup1&keywords=pcos

Well, the one thing that keeps coming up is ‘insulin resistant’. Now, if her sugar is out of balance, she is going to eat - and eat stuff that is not good for her. When your insulin does not work right, your body craves what is bad for you. There is a product from Biotics called Glucobalance, which is really good at helping with this.
bioticsresearch.com/Products/GlucoBalance.htm bioticsresearch.com/glucobalance.php

(I am not supporting this company, just searched out the product, have used it many times)

Also, if a person has parasites and most Americans do, that causes additional cravings, never being satisifed with food. Basically the person is trying to make up for what the parasites are consuming. You can get them from foods, also from animals, a lot of ways. The indivdual craves stuff and really it drives them nuts, but they have no idea of why they are craving the wrong stuff so much.

Just some suggestions for what they are worth.
 
Damascus said:
Is there any way you can get the doctor to play bad guy here?

I mean, if you take Karins suggestion and tell her she needs medical evaluation, maybe you can talk it over with the doctor on the side?

He may be willing to play the bad guy in this case (assuming he is a guy- the one you pick)
And you could go from there, slowly but surely.

I hope it works out.

Prayers!
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Unless, the OP’s “intended” gives her permission to her doctor, the OP has NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to his fiancee’s medical info. It’s called HIPPA. And I for one would be furious if my fiance’ went behind my back and spoke to my doctor about me.It’s called having “you know whats” and if he wants to keep them, he would do as some others here have suggested and take his chances sitting her down and talking with her in a caring fashion, or perhaps leading by example.
Like someone else here said, most people and that means men AND men, know when they are overweight. They might not admit to it, but they know.
Kathy
 
I realize my thoughts on this subject are way off from everyone elses, but they are things to consider as to why…

One other thought that you can apply. If you are drinking a lot of carbonated beverages, those are wasted calories. Switch to teas! If you don’t like green tea by itself, brew it with a black tea, then use honey and lemon. That will decrease the appetite and also act a diurectic. Some of my daughters favoirte tea is to mix a white pear tea with a red rasberry, it is wonderful flavor. Get Agave Syrup. It has no after taste will not affect blood sugar like regular cane sugar does, thus helping to lower blood sugar and slowing down the food eating.

Facts:
  • **Agave Nectar is a high fructose sugar **
  • **1.4 - 1.6 times sweeter than refined sugar **
  • **Fructose doesn’t not stimulate digestive insulin secretion creating a sugar rush **
  • **Has a glycemic index of 46 which can make it a suitable sugar for diabetics to ingest **
  • Has a neutral taste that enhances the sweetness of food
  • 25% less sweetener is required than cane sugar in recipes
  • Ideal sweetener for low-carb foods
  • Will not crystallize under temperature variances
  • Contains many healthy micro nutrients
  • A natural moisture retainer in baking and food applications
  • One tablespoon of Agave Syrup has 60 calories
Really subconsciencly(sp) it may be well bothering her, as her ovaries are affected and that may have her upset about being able to have children.
 
Katie1723 said:
Unless, the OP’s “intended” gives her permission to her doctor, the OP has NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to his fiancee’s medical info. It’s called HIPPA. And I for one would be furious if my fiance’ went behind my back and spoke to my doctor about me.It’s called having “you know whats” and if he wants to keep them, he would do as some others here have suggested and take his chances sitting her down and talking with her in a caring fashion, or perhaps leading by example.
Like someone else here said, most people and that means men AND men, know when they are overweight. They might not admit to it, but they know.
Kathy
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I’m with you on that.

I don’t even know what going to the doctor is going to do. It might just be me, but I’ve been to the doctor enough to know, I can completely disregard orders how ever I see fit. Besides your going to see the doctor for upwards of five minutes. The only real leverage the doctor has is to say, I’m going to withhold this and this intervention, but that’s only given if there is an intervention to help. Also you could also skip to the next for a second opinion, til you get the one you want.

The only chance where anybody could really keep on you is a very special circumstance, when you are getting atleast monthly blood draws, and have consistant contact with the same nurse. Still people don’t always follow through, espcially when they don’t have the best attitude towards the whole situation.
 
Kepha15 said:
Ok…touchy subject here, and I’d like opinions from some women especially. It’s a popular notion in today’s society that it’s perfectly ok for a woman to ask a man to shed a couple pounds (albeit kindly), but for a man to ask a woman to do the same is punishable by death.

To all women out there especially (and men if they have any idea), what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?
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well, as an overwieght person, who is and has battled food addiction his whole life, I would say honesty and genuine love must be present. i am not sure what your motive is, but it it is to save her life from morbid obesity, then you should say something, but be warned, this is something she thinks about everday…love and understanding are a must. …

if it is an issue where she needs to lose 5-30lbs, then i wouldn’t say to much…lest i get hit with a frying pan 😃
 
Kepha,

I was really “into” reading this thread, thinking how insightful and thoughtful everyone’s points were, and then–bam!–your posts # 40 and 41 brought me up short. As in, total surprise out of left field.

I really, really think you might have jumped to the worst conclusions about the tones people are using in their posts.

Try re-reading everything again, only this time, assume the best about everyone who posted.

Honestly, I wouldn’t have taken the time to post this if I didn’t want to help you get the most out of your thread.

Thank you for posting it, btw. While you may have posted it to find suggestions for your particular situation, there are many others (look at how many have viewed the thread already) who are benefitting from the collective opinions, experience and knowledge shared here.

God bless you.
 
As I am not suicidal, I would prefer not to ask.

However, if I start complaining about how I look, how I need to loose weight, perhaps this noce lady would volunteer to join you.

That does not work so well if you are already fit.

But then, I am a single (well, twice divorced) man.
 
Kepha15 said:
And to the women who don’t do anything about their appearance because they don’t think it would make a difference to their man, shame on you. Maybe the reason he doesn’t say anything is because he loves you too much to risk hurting your feelings. Just because he loves you the way you are doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be thrilled if you took an interest in improving the way you looked, if only because you know it would make him happy.

Women take it offensively if a man cares how they look, but by the same token, men can take it offensively if a woman doesn’t care how she looks. Taking care of yourself can be a way to show that you care about his feelings as well, especially if he’s loving enough to not make you feel self-conscious by pointing it out.

I’m afraid that’s a side of the coin that isn’t always mentioned. Women tend to think that if a man is at all concerned with appearances, he is a total shallow jerk, no matter how loving he is otherwise. It’s really offensive, and I’m not going to sit here and deny the way God designed me just to seem like a better person in some others’ eyes.

I really don’t believe that men are the bad guys if they think a thin woman is more attractive than a heavyset one. It has nothing to do with how much we love the woman, but the mere fact that that’s the way God designed us to operate, and that we can’t change it should at least be food for thought. If men can be loving by not pointing it out, why can’t women be loving by making an effort for their husbands?
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Just as there are men who find thin women attractive, there are also men who like well-fed women. So I think that the lady in question would be better off with one of those guys.
That’s just my opinion, but it would hurt me badly if my fiancee was so troubled about my weight that he had to talk about it on messageboard.
I hope that the lady never finds out.
What if SHE came on her and complained because his skin was too bad and she wanted him to have plastic surgery.
 
Karianne said:
Just as there are men who find thin women attractive, there are also men who like well-fed women. So I think that the lady in question would be better off with one of those guys.
That’s just my opinion, but it would hurt me badly if my fiancee was so troubled about my weight that he had to talk about it on messageboard.
I hope that the lady never finds out.
What if SHE came on her and complained because his skin was too bad and she wanted him to have plastic surgery.
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How do you know it is not him? http://bestsmileys.com/wink/1.gif

I know how you feel. Weight is a pretty touchy issue, as if I had to say anything
 
If she’s just a few pounds overweight, I’d say nothing. But I know that, even though I’m not a gym addict or a great eater, I would only marry someone who puts physical health as a priority, albiet not necessarily a top one. Just someone who doesn’t constantly eat junk and refuse to exercise. I walk a little bit, watch a ton of TV, and eat a mixture of foods, a lot of junk. I’m not perfect and my husband wouldn’t have to be. But I want someone who takes pride in their health and appearance, and who has self discipline and won’t die of a heart attack at 55, or pass on bad eating habits to our children. Wanting a spouse who’s physically fit, both for appearance reasons and for health reasons, is not bad IMO, but if his fiancee will not change whatsoever, than I think he should evaluate whether he can handle it. If you think she’s the person for you and can get over the weight, then encourage her but don’t push it. If it’s a big issue for you it could become a bigger issue later, which is something to think about.
 
Kepha15 said:
I don’t want to sound like the world’s biggest jerk here, but I actually am in very good physical shape. I definitely don’t mean that to sounds like I am full of myself, because I don’t think I’m perfect by any means, but it’s really hard to suggest losing weight this way, because she knows I don’t really need to.

Of course I’m not. I never bring up her weight, even in a fight, and I really don’t like being demonized for asking this question. Again, I go back to my original statement…why is it acceptable for a woman to ask a man to lose weight, but a cardinal sin for a man to ask a woman?
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hello…i’m not familiar with your situation or other threads…so forgive me if you have answered these questions before elsewhere.

but…first…was she overweight when you started dating her, and if she was…why is it all of a sudden, an issue?

just curious…once you answer those questions, it will help me form my thoughts and advice. thanks!🙂

but going blindly into your situation…not knowing the full story just yet…it is a touchy subject if you started dating her and she already overweight. she may wonder why you are suddenly wanting her to lose weight, when it never married…and you fell in love with her. (i’m assuming this is your fiancee from what other posters have mentioned)

so…please answer when u have a sec…thanks!
 
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