How to ask a woman to lose weight

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Kepha–You don’t! You don’t! You don’t!

Practice these lines and mean them:
“I love you just the way you are. There’s more of you to love”.

If you can’t say it and mean it then you shouldn’t be getting married. I don’t think you are mature enough to be getting married if you can even think of asking the women you supposedly love to change. If you don’t love her just the way she is, then you don’t accept her for who she is and you should let her find someone who is mature enough and will love her for who she is.

If you were my sister’s or daughter’s fiance, I’d advice them to break the engagement. And in 20+ years of knowing my husband, he has never, ever implied that he wanted me to lose weight or change in any way. Nor have I. Though we have supported each other by exercising together and eating healthy meals together.
 
I haven’t read all the the post, just the very beginning, so ignore if this has already been siad.

My sister also has PCOS and you may not be aware that this condition is often associated with the same metabolic problems that cause diabetes. It is very common for people with this condition to take a insulin reducing drug called glucophage as well as changing their diet to a diabetic diet. If your wife or whatever isn’t already doing these things, please look into it.

About the approach, go at it as a health issue. You want to spend the rest of your life with this person in good health so you can enjoy each other and life together. I think this approach backed with medical reasoning will be successful.
 
How do you know it is not him? http://bestsmileys.com/wink/1.gif

I know how you feel. Weight is a pretty touchy issue, as if I had to say anything
🙂

Yes, it’s very hard to live with folks who criticize you for things you already feel bad about. I liked the posters who encouraged him to help her with self esteem issues before telling her to lose weight.

One of the most surprising things I discovered as a heterosexual woman was that the best looking men, the ones I was attracted to based on appearance alone, turned out to be very disappointing in the personality/humor department.

Someone wrote about John Goodman, I don’t know about the actual man, but the character that he portrayed on the ROSEANNE show seemed to be the perfect spouse, his weight did not matter in the least-he was kind, funny, supportive…all the good stuff.

And women loved that character, weight notwithstanding!

Weight is a different health issue than boozing, which can lead to all kinds of trauma, or smoking-because of second-hand smoke issues.

I don’t think that any man should go there, just leave the lady alone and let her find a guy who values her and sees past her flaws, and, I think that the same rule applies to women, don’t harangue the guy, he already KNOWS that he’s chubby-don’t hurt him.
 
Try re-reading everything again, only this time, assume the best about everyone who post.
Now if his fiance could think that if he brings up the issue. Simple assumptions will be made, like he thinks he’s a jerk for bringing it up, and she thinks she’s a bad person for being overweight.
 
Now if his fiance could think that if he brings up the issue. Simple assumptions will be made, like he thinks he’s a jerk for bringing it up, and she thinks she’s a bad person for being overweight.
Thank you. Jman507 seems to be one of the only ones here that actually gets it.

To clarify, I love this woman, would never think of breaking up with her over something like this, and if she doesn’t change, I can definitely live with something as insignificant as this.

I meant this to be a message board about health, and how to encourage someone you love to be healthy. Say what you want about appearances, but being overweight is also not a healthy thing, especially for someone with PCOS. I think I brought up some very good points in posts #40 and #41, and I really wish people would read them before making judgments about me, my intentions or my character.

I’ve been told I don’t really love her, that she would be better off with a man who doesn’t think thin women are attractive, that I am immature for even THINKING about this, and that I must be a terrible person to live with and that I probably make her feel insecure about herself. I wish there was a way to close this thread for good, just so I wouldn’t have to listen to these insulting comments anymore.

Thank you to those of you who understand where I am coming from, and shame on you to those who judge without taking the time to even understand the circumstances.

-Kepha
 
Perhaps I should change the original post to “What is the best way to convince a woman to eat healthier?”

Let’s leave weight out of the equation…how do you ask someone you love to live a healthier lifestyle?

Does that make me any less of a jerk?
 
Unless, the OP’s “intended” gives her permission to her doctor, the OP has NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to his fiancee’s medical info. It’s called HIPPA. And I for one would be furious if my fiance’ went behind my back and spoke to my doctor about me.It’s called having “you know whats” and if he wants to keep them, he would do as some others here have suggested and take his chances sitting her down and talking with her in a caring fashion, or perhaps leading by example.
Like someone else here said, most people and that means men AND men, know when they are overweight. They might not admit to it, but they know.
Kathy
Actually, HIPPA only prohibits your doctor from telling anyone any facts about you. It does not prohibit your doctor from listening to someone else not bound by HIPPA who is talking about you. Your doctor may also discuss in general terms with anyone what they might do in a certain situation, as long as the doctor does not divulge whether or not that situation applies to a person who may or may not be his or her patient.

By all means, if your intended has not been to a doctor in some time, it is okay to suggest that the two of you have a thorough physical with your respective physicians prior to your wedding and at regular intervals thereafter. It is certainly OK to call her doctor’s office and leave a message that you, the finance, are concerned about whether there is a weight issue and that you will help, and not hinder, in whatever advice the doctor might send home with your fiance about that. Spouses do yet more; I wouldn’t go so far as a fiance.

Do not tell her that she needs to lose weight. Do encourage her to have healthy exercise and eating habits, and do follow those habits yourself, even if you can eat anything you want and never gain anything.
 
Perhaps I should change the original post to “What is the best way to convince a woman to eat healthier?”

Let’s leave weight out of the equation…how do you ask someone you love to live a healthier lifestyle?

Does that make me any less of a jerk?
Only if you mean it. 😉

As far as I can see, the person herself has to initiate turning over a new leaf, or it just doesn’t work.

Concentrate on your own life’s work, which is becoming a more prayerful, holy person. Little by little you will detach yourself from the worldly outcome. Sometimes changes come about in others if we ourselves are the best we can be (and sometimes not). But aiming to change a loved one rarely works well.

I hope you’ll do some more thinking about the way you’ve reacted on this thread. You frankly have been extremely hostile and you have accused people of stating things that they never stated. You asked what women think, women told you what we think, and you got mad at us for thinking it (plus you got mad at us thinking what we don’t think). Obviously this is a sensitive issue for both sexes, but when we allow ourselves to be easily moved to anger, anger seeps into all facets of our lives.

If you take one thing from this thread, let it be this: women who feel safe, cherished, and prized tend to have healthier eating habits. You may indeed be able to do a lot to help your fiance love herself and respect her body.
 
Perhaps I should change the original post to “What is the best way to convince a woman to eat healthier?”

Let’s leave weight out of the equation…how do you ask someone you love to live a healthier lifestyle?

Does that make me any less of a jerk?
I think the title of your question probably does make a big difference as far as the responses you are going to get.

As far as suggestions for living a healthier lifestyle…do you like to cook? How creative can you be in the kitchen with cooking fresh and healthy things? I think if this is something that you can do, either cooking together or treating her to nice healthy meals that you have created, you might find her entusiasm improve as far as a healthy diet goes.

As far as exercise…well if she has no interest in the gym, is there anything else fitness-wise that you can do together? Camping and hiking…kayaking…skiing…??? Even gardening can be good exercise. I think the main thing is to just get out there and get moving.
 
Kepha–You don’t! You don’t! You don’t!

Practice these lines and mean them:
“I love you just the way you are. There’s more of you to love”.

If you can’t say it and mean it then you shouldn’t be getting married. I don’t think you are mature enough to be getting married if you can even think of asking the women you supposedly love to change. If you don’t love her just the way she is, then you don’t accept her for who she is and you should let her find someone who is mature enough and will love her for who she is.

If you were my sister’s or daughter’s fiance, I’d advice them to break the engagement. And in 20+ years of knowing my husband, he has never, ever implied that he wanted me to lose weight or change in any way. Nor have I. Though we have supported each other by exercising together and eating healthy meals together.
careful now, i am fat, and i don’t expect girls to fall all over me, that would be crazy…i am working on my weight, cause i know if i want to attract a decent female someday, i had better take some self accountablity.

the whole “there’s more to love” statement bothers me, because that is an “enabler” statement. it is NOT ok to be obese, it is very unhealty physically, and emotionally. if affects every aspect of your life…and having those around us tell us those lies of justification does not help us at all.

your last statement is very good though, and is all i really ask of myself and my future wife if that is God’s will ] , is to excercise in some way and eat heatlhy meals together…the rest should take care of itself…
 
Actually, HIPPA only prohibits your doctor from telling anyone any facts about you. It does not prohibit your doctor from listening to someone else not bound by HIPPA who is talking about you. Your doctor may also discuss in general terms with anyone what they might do in a certain situation, as long as the doctor does not divulge whether or not that situation applies to a person who may or may not be his or her patient.

By all means, if your intended has not been to a doctor in some time, it is okay to suggest that the two of you have a thorough physical with your respective physicians prior to your wedding and at regular intervals thereafter. It is certainly OK to call her doctor’s office and leave a message that you, the finance, are concerned about whether there is a weight issue and that you will help, and not hinder, in whatever advice the doctor might send home with your fiance about that. Spouses do yet more; I wouldn’t go so far as a fiance.

Do not tell her that she needs to lose weight. Do encourage her to have healthy exercise and eating habits, and do follow those habits yourself, even if you can eat anything you want and never gain anything.
Point being that concerned or not, HIPPA or no HIPPA, I would be more than mildly annoyed if my fiance’ went to MY doctor about ME. That is something for ME to do. Most physicians won’t even begin to discuss medical conditions even in broad terms, with anyone who might be their patient’s relative or soon to be relative. It just isn’t kosher. I work in an in hospital birth center. If a teen comes in to have a baby, and their parents wants info, the patient must give the doctor permission to talk to them. No doctor worth his salt will discuss with anyone, anything about a patient.No matter how concerned they may be unless the patient is present and gives permission.
Kathy
 
the whole “there’s more to love” statement bothers me, because that is an “enabler” statement. it is NOT ok to be obese, it is very unhealty physically, and emotionally. if affects every aspect of your life…and having those around us tell us those lies of justification does not help us at all.
A little OT, but I totally agree with you and admire you for taking responsibility. My teen magazines always say “bigger is better” and label unhealthily obese girls “curvy”, which they classify as just another body type. Not that these girls don’t need clothing guides too, or that only skinny models should be shown, but cute slogans like “bigger is better” and acting like being obese is just another body type is enabling and ignoring a serious issue that needs to be addressed. I know it’s not easy to lose weight, but people do need to accept the severe health and other hindrances that come with being significantly overweight.
 
Point being that concerned or not, HIPPA or no HIPPA, I would be more than mildly annoyed if my fiance’ went to MY doctor about ME. That is something for ME to do. Most physicians won’t even begin to discuss medical conditions even in broad terms, with anyone who might be their patient’s relative or soon to be relative. It just isn’t kosher. I work in an in hospital birth center. If a teen comes in to have a baby, and their parents wants info, the patient must give the doctor permission to talk to them. No doctor worth his salt will discuss with anyone, anything about a patient.No matter how concerned they may be unless the patient is present and gives permission.
Kathy
Nevertheless, if a parent were to call a doctor and tell him that their pregnant daughter was out partying and using alcohol, it would not be a HIPPA violation for that information to be given to the doctor. A physician would be totally within HIPPA to say, “I can’t speak about any of my patients or even whether a particular person is my patient, but alcohol use is always contraindicated during pregnancy. If I suspect one of the women in my care of abusing alcohol, I normally would bring that up with them. Whether she shares the content or fact of that conversation with her family, though, would be up to her.”

Now, a parent who “rats out” a pregnant daughter’s drinking binges to her physician are obviously in a different position than a family member who presumes that a doctor can’t see when a patient is overweight. I only mean that the fiance could tell the doctor that they would cooperate and not sabotage a diet and exercise program. How might that help the doctor? They know they could have the following conversation:

“Oh, look at that ring! Are you engaged, now? Well, that’s a great reason to start eating healthier and exercising. Maybe your fiance would be willing to do that with you?” The doctor would know in advance that the true answer would be in the affirmative.

HIPPA rules don’t protect the people doing the “ratting out”, though. A less discrete doctor could say, “Some guy claiming to be your fiance called me today and asked me to talk to you about diet and exercise. Under HIPPA rules, I couldn’t tell him that you even were my patient, but…have you been having conversations about your health with your fiance? Would you like to talk about that? You really don’t have a serious weight problem, but by your own account you could stand to lose a few pounds, could eat better, and could use a bit more exercise. Do you have any questions about what your status is and what you can say to him? Would you like me to refer you to a nutritionist?” While I would think that doctor might be treading on ground left alone, it would depend on the relationship between that doctor and patient. Some would be fine with that…and might close with, “You seem pretty upset with your fiance for coming to me, but looking out for your health is a sign that he really cares about you, in my book. He told me clearly that he loves you no matter how you look and just wants to have a long life with you. Don’t be too hard on him.” The OP, however, should know that what the doctor chooses to do with the information is out of his hands and that his intended is in no way bound to report back on whether a conversation even took place. The doctor would be forbidden by HIPPA from talking about it at all with anyone but the patient and those people the patient specifies.

By the way, I’d be a bit reticent to marry someone who got angry with me for taking a concern with their health. Looks, that can be off-limits. Health…their body is pledged to me in marriage, and I think they should feel a duty to take care of it for my sake as much as for their own. If they went in to marriage with the “it’s my health, so leave me alone” attitude, that would make me very uncomfortable. I’m the one who’s going to be pushing the wheelchair and then shoveling the dirt onto the coffin of someone who died too young. That makes it my concern.

If my husband wouldn’t sign the papers to give the OK for me to talk to their doctor, I think I’d be the one with reason to be upset. My husband feels the same about me. These are things worth talking over before marriage, BTW.
 
Ask her to take walks with you. Cook healthy meals for the two of you. Try to live healthy and leave the weight out of it.

Making her weight out to be a big issue now will probably cause hurt later. I know that my dh would never live it down if he got on me about my weight.
 
SWIMMING!

A great way to spend time together and one of the best forms of exercise.
 
Perhaps I should change the original post to “What is the best way to convince a woman to eat healthier?”

Let’s leave weight out of the equation…how do you ask someone you love to live a healthier lifestyle?

Does that make me any less of a jerk?
I don’t think you’re a jerk but I do think you need to understand about PCOS, which is usually the result of insulin resistance.

It is NOT possible to eat healthier or even normally when insulin levels are high. It’s not a matter of not knowing what’s healthy and what’s not. It’s not a matter of willpower. Insulin is a “hunger hormone” and when there is too much insulin, there is an uncontrollable craving for food.

If you want her to live a healthier lifestyle, help her find a reproductive endocrinologist who aggressively treats insulin resistance/PCOS. Get to the root cause of her unhealthy eating, which is the insulin resistance. She needs medical help.
 
If you dont want a fat girlfriend than you dont have to have one! Why dont you just look for someone you will like just the way they are!
 
Perhaps I should change the original post to “What is the best way to convince a woman to eat healthier?”

Let’s leave weight out of the equation…how do you ask someone you love to live a healthier lifestyle?

Does that make me any less of a jerk?
Kepha,

If it makes you feel any better about this whole thread, I really am glad you posted, because it made me aware of something that I only glanced at and then looked the other way.

I am not overweight, nor have I ever been, thanks to a mother who has always been thin and quite critical about her own weight and so I was always critical of mine. However, thanks to unhealthy eating combined with possible family history (i’m not sure of my history since I’m adopted), my body has been worn down over time and I have become intolerant to many foods as well as still loving junk food. When I was engaged, my fiance was always encouraging and told me I never needed to shed the 10 lbs that my mom kept saying I could afford to lose before the wedding. And he NEVER mentioned how I was eating.

Now we’re married, and I’m pregnant and he has asked me on a few occassions if I really should be eating fast food and other things that are not good for my body. I brush him off and just roll my eyes and eat it anyway. Now, I’m realizing that I probably should watch more about what I eat, because it does hurt him when I just brush off his concern for my health as well as our baby’s. He’s made an effort to be healthy, cutting off drinking pop (he would drink an average of 3 cans of Pepsi a day before) completely so we wouldn’t have it in the house and making meals for me. He’s mentioned exercising a couple of times too, which I brushed off as well (I’ve tended to get lazy about exercising since college).

Anyway, thanks :). If it wasn’t for your post, I probably would not have thought about this again. I’m going to start making the effort 🙂 and thanking him for his concern instead of rolling my eyes at him.
 
what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?
Carefully…from a great distance…possibly from another continent altogether…where you have a local call the request in…in another language.
 
Carefully…from a great distance…possibly from another continent altogether…where you have a local call the request in…in another language.
👍 smart man!

To the OP, if you are dissatisfied with the appearence of your fiance at this point, I doubt if things will improve after the marriage. She will probably continue to gain weight as time passes, most women do. If you can accept this, then marry her. If you don’t think this will work for you, find a girl that shares your enthusiasm for fitness.
 
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