How to assert myself in deep family conflict. Please help

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I just don’t know what I’ll have to say back when she says something to the extent of “how could you” “this is betrayal” or something about everything they’ve done for me. I feel like I am in this trap of well my mom gave up her career and my dad worked so hard to support us (I am financially independent now and have been for 1.5 years) all so its reason to obey every single thing they say.

I want to be a godly daughter and love them the best that I can and not just say “this is the way it is BYE” because that’s never really been our style so it’s going to seem very out of character for me. They won’t be able to live with it and I can see it being brought up years down the line. I have no idea how to respond to their reaction in a way that is loving or defensible.
 
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You say “I’m very sorry you feel that way. I’m extremely grateful for everything you and Dad have done for us. That doesn’t mean I’m going to agree with how you see everything. I’m an adult; we’re going to see some things differently. You and Sarah are adults; I’m not going to take sides. I think you can work this out directly. I believe you can. I don’t believe I can do it for you or for her, either. I have to trust you can work it out and stay out of it.”

When she argues, you say “I’ve done my best to explain. I love you, I love her, I’m staying out and letting you handle it. That’s all. More than that is above my pay grade. There are people who specialize in this, if you don’t think you can do this alone. That is beyond me.” Stick with that.
 
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krbto39 said:
I just don’t know what I’ll have to say back when she says something to the extent of “how could you” “this is betrayal” or something about everything they’ve done for me.
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You don’t need to say anything back. You don’t need to defend or justify your feelings or your decisions.

“Mom, this is my decision. You don’t have to like it. I’m not asking for your permission or approval, I’m simply informing you of my decision.”
krbto39 said:
feel like I am in this trap of well my mom gave up her career and my dad worked so hard to support us (I am financially independent now and have been for 1.5 years) all so its reason to obey every single thing they say.
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Nope, don’t go there. Your parents made decisions about their life, they weren’t your decisions. They made the decision to marry and have children. We all make choices, and using those choices as a weapon to manipulate your children is wrong.

You don’t owe them “obedience” as an adult.
krbto39 said:
I have no idea how to respond to their reaction in a way that is loving or defensible.
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“You don’t have to like it mom, it’s my decision and it’s final.”

I suggest you get a book on boundaries.
 
The New Co-Dependency by Melody Beattie might help. Libraries tend to have it.
 
It sounds to me like your mother doesn’t treat you any better than she did your sister and I would be doing more or less the same as your sister did. How many other daughters has she got? If you all quit taking it on the chin, eventually she’s going to have to consider the possibility that she’s crossed some boundaries. Either that or spend the rest of her life wallowing in self-pity.
 
Have you talked with a family counselor? Learn about self respect. Learn about boundaries. If you are an adult, act like one. You do not have to tell anyone who you talk to. You do not have to take any orders or abuse from anyone, including your parents. Think about how much of this wickedness continues because you tolerate it.
 
Are your parents Catholic or if non-Catholic are they practicing in their faith?

If so, schedule a meeting with their pastor. Sit down and explain the situation to him and ask if he will schedule a meeting with you and your parents.
 
Devout Catholic. I’ve suggested getting help before, they take it as an insult and say it will damage about their reputation in the church and their esteem with our priest…they are not believers in any kind of therapy. I think its because it means having to admit something has gone wrong.

I’ve considered talking to our home parish priest many times but I’ve moved to another city and I am going to another church with fiancée.
 
If they refuse outside help, that is their choice. They are adults. You can’t make one of them seek a professional counselor any more than you can force them to see a cardiologist. If they keep coming to you for their heartache, though, you can say, “Mom, if you had chest pains, I would send you to a doctor. You’d be free to go or refuse to go, you’re a grown woman, but you could not make me try to be your cardiologist. You’ve told me you’re going through a heartache with Sarah. I feel for you, I would love to see you get help, but I am not a family therapist and I will not pretend I am.”

Note you will have only set up the same boundaries she ought to have with you, now that you’re grown.
 
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krbto39 said:
they take it as an insult and say it will damage about their reputation in the church and their esteem with our priest
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Duh, because they know they are acting wrongly.

This should be the biggest sign to you that you are being emotionally manipulated by unstable people and owe it to yourself to establish boundaries NOW before you have children of your own involved in their crazy.
 
It’s not EASY to establish boundaries. People don’t like it when you change. You can only change you, not them, and they will fight you to keep you behaving they way they want you to behave.

You will have to ignore a lot, be firm, and show them by your actions that you mean it.
 
Here’s something I found at one point.

People like what’s working for them. And there is a strong human tendency, if the status quo is comfortable for us, to view that status quo as fair. That means when you try to change the situation, their natural reaction is to say “Why are you trying to be so unfair to me? Everything was working and now you’re coming along and upsetting that.”

Reasonable people can hopefully be persuaded to move out of that mindset, by showing them how the situation isn’t actually fair for everyone. But a lot of people will dig in and continue to blame you for making things “unfair” - even if that simply means that it’s no longer unfair in their favor.

I am well aware these things are easier said and done (and I’m terrible at doing them).
 
Thank you Trishie. I really need it. I’m going home to spend Christmas with them and its going to be just she and I alone a lot. I’m dreading it. My stomach is turning and I feel panicked.
 
Have an escape plan. Conversation becomes hostile? First try to change the subject. Then leave the room. Leave the house, if need be. Holidays are not an excuse to make you into a punching bag. Respond calmly and minimally, then get out; rinse and repeat. Do not get sucked into discussions about why your sister is right or wrong.
 
It’s somewhat like dealing with a toddler, honestly.

Imagine you’re working with a toddler. In the past, when they’ve been told no, they pitched a fit and then they got what they wanted. Now you’re trying to get them to stop pitching fits and accept no. What you have to do is hold firm and not give in to the fit. Walk away if you need to, but don’t engage the fit.

The first thing a child does when that happens? Pitch a fit louder and longer to see what it’ll take. After all, that’s what’s worked in the past! Adults often act similarly.
 
Quite sad that I have to be the mother here. Its so beyond unfair. And of course my feelings never matter because I’m in “less” pain…
 
No–you DO NOT need to be the mother, here! That is a very bad idea.

You need to be the ADULT here. There is a huge difference. Being the adult instead of the parent means staying out of the way and refusing to take care of other people’s business, no matter how much they try to drag you into solving their problems for them or taking sides, as if they were children and you were their parent.

Get Melody Beattie’s “The New Codependency.” Your library almost certainly has it. It is not just for families dealing with addiction issues. It is for any social group in which some members try to manipulatively pull others into business that is not theirs. I think you’ll get a few good ideas from it and some encouragement to be neither the manipulated child nor the pseudo-parent in this situation, but rather an adult child who has a parent and a sibling who have business to attend to that is THEIR business to attend to.

There is a great deal of liberation in learning the difference between being charitable and being manipulated into being a busybody. It is not easy, but the sleep is a lot better once you’ve learned to let go of duties that were given to you by someone with an agenda instead of by Heaven.
 
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Ugh. I highly recommend reading “Boundaries” by Townsend. Christian author so he is very close in line to Catholic teaching. I didn’t fully agree with the marriage chapter but otherwise he is spot on. PLEASE read this!! I believe so strongly in this book that I will gladly send it to you as an early wedding present. Lol

My WHOLE family and extended family are carbon copies of your mom. I didn’t read that book until 14 years after I was married. I’ve put my kids at risk of being in the middle, suffered tremendous stress, almost losing my baby in uetero, etc… Etc… PLEASE realize your family has crippled you emotionally and you need to grow in this area, and it’s not your fault and it’s totally unfair. But for your own sake, just do it. I will warn you that most people who are heavy boundary breakers won’t respect any boundaries even when you actually set them. It will stress you out, but you won’t feel helpless and not in control. God will use it for you to grow and blossom. Hardest thing ever for me but I am SO happy now. Even relationships with friends and church people is so much better because if I make the choice to do something, it’s freely given instead of me doing it “because I should” or “because they want”. I have grown so much spiritually and otherwise now that those chains are broken. I would NOT visit your mom this Christmas. Make a health excuse or a work excuse or a finance excuse, or whatever, but buy the book and go on a retreat at home instead. You already know how it’s going to go at home, so don’t go and enable your mom. Hugs and many prayers for you, sweetie!! I hope you figure this out young, I am 36 and JUST did. Hugs.
 
And I have to say that God led me to your post. I was reading a book about Bernard of Clairvaux and was annoyed by something his older brother did so I googled if it was even allowed in the Church and found a thread up here. YOUR post was at the bottom of that page and it was like it was meant for me. I haven’t been up here in probably ten years!! Didn’t even know I still had an account until I went to sign up JUST so I could reply to your post. Lol.
 
krbto39 said:
I just don’t know what I’ll have to say back when she says something to the extent of “how could you” “this is betrayal” or something about everything they’ve done for me. I feel like I am in this trap of well my mom gave up her career and my dad worked so hard to support us (I am financially independent now and have been for 1.5 years) all so its reason to obey every single thing they say.
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To be blunt, you need to learn to change or redirect the conversation when your
parents start to lead you down that manipulation path. You know where it ends, you are not being a good daughter/son, with extra helpings of guilt.

Learn to change the conversation! Ask mom a sincere but uncomfortable question like why she hasn’t forgiven your sibling, etc.
 
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