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DarkLight
Guest
Note: With some parents, walking away may be better. I know with my own family, trying to shift the focus pretty much just results in my behavior now being the focus.
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Theo520
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Walking away is changing the conversation, it’s better than letting it continue down the usual path and may open a later window for a different conversation.Note: With some parents, walking away may be better. I know with my own family, trying to shift the focus pretty much just results in my behavior now being the focus.
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krbto39
Guest
It’s been so hard since I’ve come home.
There have been blowout matches between me and my mom. My dad has mostly been on side with me about not interrogating me but I’ve been trying to stay calm, confident and neutral. And my mom has been trying to drag me down into it and make me angry. She is accusing me of not having any feelings about this and I’m unemotional.
Last night they asked me to call her and tell her what she’s done wrong and I told them no, because it makes me uncomfortable to be the mediator. I was met with (by my mother) if you love us you’d be our advocate. Aka tell everyone how wrong THEY are and how RIGHT she is. Because my sister has BLOCKED their numbers, they take my phone and call her. My dad calls and she answers and says Hi!!! Thinking it’s me. He goes it’s not (me). It’s daddy. Sister is silent. My dad goes are you mad? And sister says yes. And she hangs up.
My mother has been pushing me and pushing me and pushing me and pushing me. Saying “I’ve helped you in every situation I’ve never rejected giving you help” and “I don’t feel loved by you” and went so far as to say to my Dad in the room that the dog is the only child they have left. She is accusing me of knowing things I don’t know, and is constantly saying “what is your stance on your sister? Tell me your stance!!! Is she right or wrong???” And I sit there, cold, and give a kind of vague wash of an answer about it all and say it’s sad etc. I could give her her laundry list of her offences to my sister, but I don’t feel like it’s my place.
Sorry for unloading all of this. I’m just overwhelmed and exhausted by trying to stick to my boundaries. She’s saying my personality is so different and I’m coming off so differently and I am. To her I am acting very out of character.
I’ve survived the past 2 days but they’ve been immensely hard. But I don’t know if I’m being cold emotionless jerk or doing the right thing. I just don’t know. I love them deeply and my dad has been my HERO here. He’s really come through for me. I can empathize with how hard it is. Ugh…
There have been blowout matches between me and my mom. My dad has mostly been on side with me about not interrogating me but I’ve been trying to stay calm, confident and neutral. And my mom has been trying to drag me down into it and make me angry. She is accusing me of not having any feelings about this and I’m unemotional.
Last night they asked me to call her and tell her what she’s done wrong and I told them no, because it makes me uncomfortable to be the mediator. I was met with (by my mother) if you love us you’d be our advocate. Aka tell everyone how wrong THEY are and how RIGHT she is. Because my sister has BLOCKED their numbers, they take my phone and call her. My dad calls and she answers and says Hi!!! Thinking it’s me. He goes it’s not (me). It’s daddy. Sister is silent. My dad goes are you mad? And sister says yes. And she hangs up.
My mother has been pushing me and pushing me and pushing me and pushing me. Saying “I’ve helped you in every situation I’ve never rejected giving you help” and “I don’t feel loved by you” and went so far as to say to my Dad in the room that the dog is the only child they have left. She is accusing me of knowing things I don’t know, and is constantly saying “what is your stance on your sister? Tell me your stance!!! Is she right or wrong???” And I sit there, cold, and give a kind of vague wash of an answer about it all and say it’s sad etc. I could give her her laundry list of her offences to my sister, but I don’t feel like it’s my place.
Sorry for unloading all of this. I’m just overwhelmed and exhausted by trying to stick to my boundaries. She’s saying my personality is so different and I’m coming off so differently and I am. To her I am acting very out of character.
I’ve survived the past 2 days but they’ve been immensely hard. But I don’t know if I’m being cold emotionless jerk or doing the right thing. I just don’t know. I love them deeply and my dad has been my HERO here. He’s really come through for me. I can empathize with how hard it is. Ugh…
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krbto39
Guest
What really complicates it all is that I know exactly why it’s all happened. My sister had told me, in full detail. My mom keeps RAGGING on me about it, WEARING ME DOWN to the BONE asking and asking and asking and telling me I know you know things. But the second I say, maybe she’s hurt, she LASHES OUT. Volatile explosions and telling me to get out and insults and guilt. I can’t tell her. So I feel paralyzed. Am I crazy?! Or is this so wrong??
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krbto39
Guest
And for the record, I do shut it down. Often. But we’re alone together, so it’s impossible to avoid sometimes.
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DarkLight
Guest
Ok, couple of hints:
(1) Put a passcode on your phone, NOW. And send your sister a message that your mother grabbed your phone against your will but you’ve put a passcode on it.
(2) Get a hotel if you can possibly afford it. Next time they try interrogating you, leave. If you can’t get a hotel, go for a walk or a drive or whatever, just get yourself out.
Boundaries are exhausting. That’s what I was trying to say upthread - most difficult people who are used to walking all over your boundaries won’t want to deal with them. Their response is going to be to push you harder, because it worked before. And it’s likely they’ll perceive you as being the problem. It is very difficult, and your best recourse is to have a way to escape the situation. You don’t have to spend all the time with her that she wants!
You really need a way to not be there whenever she goes on. Leave when she starts pushing you on your sister, every time.
(1) Put a passcode on your phone, NOW. And send your sister a message that your mother grabbed your phone against your will but you’ve put a passcode on it.
(2) Get a hotel if you can possibly afford it. Next time they try interrogating you, leave. If you can’t get a hotel, go for a walk or a drive or whatever, just get yourself out.
Boundaries are exhausting. That’s what I was trying to say upthread - most difficult people who are used to walking all over your boundaries won’t want to deal with them. Their response is going to be to push you harder, because it worked before. And it’s likely they’ll perceive you as being the problem. It is very difficult, and your best recourse is to have a way to escape the situation. You don’t have to spend all the time with her that she wants!
You really need a way to not be there whenever she goes on. Leave when she starts pushing you on your sister, every time.
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oldgraymare2
Guest
I’m really sorry that this is happening to you.
Sometimes I don’t think that our parents even realize what they’re even putting us through.
I’m certainly not saying this as an excuse, as I grew up with very toxic and dysfunctional parents.
Mine divorced, so I ended up living alone with my Mom at one point.
I ended up being her “scapegoat” for everything that went wrong in her own life.
I was so depressed living with her, that I went into counseling for help, by my own choice.
I was paying my own way through college, and was living at home while doing so.
The counselor gave me some great ideas for coping, and one of them was to be as busy as possible, and to get out of the house as much as I could at the time, because if I wasn’t literally at home, I couldn’t be a target for her angry and vicious behavior.
So, instead of studying at home, I went to the school library to study, as much as possible.
I stayed away from home as much as I could, especially when I knew that she would be there.
Sometimes I don’t think that our parents even realize what they’re even putting us through.
I’m certainly not saying this as an excuse, as I grew up with very toxic and dysfunctional parents.
Mine divorced, so I ended up living alone with my Mom at one point.
I ended up being her “scapegoat” for everything that went wrong in her own life.
I was so depressed living with her, that I went into counseling for help, by my own choice.
I was paying my own way through college, and was living at home while doing so.
The counselor gave me some great ideas for coping, and one of them was to be as busy as possible, and to get out of the house as much as I could at the time, because if I wasn’t literally at home, I couldn’t be a target for her angry and vicious behavior.
So, instead of studying at home, I went to the school library to study, as much as possible.
I stayed away from home as much as I could, especially when I knew that she would be there.
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heidi_storage
Guest
Hotel time, or a ticket back to your own home.
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TheLittleLady
Guest
Why on earth would you stay? Go home. End the visit.
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PetraG
Guest
Eventually, you have to say, “Mom, I am an adult. I don’t let people talk to me the way you’re talking to me. Stop it, don’t do it again, or I’ll do what I do to any other adult who talks to me like that, which is to get up and leave the first few times and then just avoid them altogether if they won’t come around and decide to respect what kind of treatment I will and won’t allow. I’m your daughter, but I am also an adult human being with the right to decide what kind of treatment I will and won’t tolerate. Period. Yelling at me won’t change that; I am done with being yelled at in this lifetime. Had my limit. Done. Your choice is to accept that or not, but you don’t get to choose the consequences of how you behave. You get to choose how you behave based on the consequences.”But the second I say, maybe she’s hurt, she LASHES OUT. Volatile explosions and telling me to get out and insults and guilt. I can’t tell her. So I feel paralyzed. Am I crazy?! Or is this so wrong??
So far, only your mother has had the authority to decide what sort of consequences others in the family will get from her for violating her boundaries. She does not accept the kind of treatment she dishes out, after all, right? This isn’t just a difference over how much yelling constitutes no more than a heated discussion, right? No, she doesn’t accept being treated the way she’s treating others. That is just wrong. You know that; don’t be talked out of it.
You’re a grown-up now, though. It is time to decide what your boundaries are, what consequences you impose to those who deliberately and unapologetically decide to violate them, and whether or not you are adult enough to expect the kind of respect for yourself that you’d certainly defend if you were watching her do this to anyone else.
The standard is to “love your neighbor as yourself,” remember, not to “love your neighbor and not yourself.”
I’m sorry to say it, but your mother seems bound and determined to drive you to exactly the same solution that she’s driven your sister to choose: insist on being treated with respect and refuse contact with even a mother who unapologetically refuses to even try to meet that standard.
You will probably marry and have children some day. You cannot allow your mother to treat them that way or to treat you that way in front of them. That is child abuse. Draw the line now, and maybe just maybe your mother will accept that she needs to change in time to have a relationship with your children. Rome was not built in a day. It is a hard road you’re facing, but it won’t get easier if you put off the inevitable.
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