How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk

[ChangingHeart]

You seem to be a fierce debater, opinionated and with a strong head. That’s not something everyone likes. A merry-go-lucky without much pretence will likely do better in the women field.

Agreed, however, I will not change who I am just to impress some woman, because then I wouldn’t really be impressing her with me, but with an artificial person I am pretending to be, just to impress her. That would be dishonest and wrong.

Only God can inspire me to change who I am, and provide me with the grace to make that change.

As for women, “I’m as free as a bird, now. And this bird you can not chaaaaange.”

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, how do you define “good?” One time, I was out on a date that I thought went well, but I later found out that a lot of what she told me on that date was dishonest, and she was just being agreeable so that I wouldn’t be turned off. So, would that qualify as a “good” date, just because it seemed so at the time, or would that not, since in retrospect, she misrepresented herself just to try to get me to like her?

Well…here’s the thing, CH. Unfortunately, the date is what it takes to get to know someone…and it’s like weeding people out for a potential job. I think the same applies…

I know dating can be hard, especially when you seem to want one woman, and want it to lead somewhere special. Pray for guidance…and for open mindedness. Every woman is different…

I wish you great blessings with this.

 

[ChangingHeart]

As to the starting-as-friends strategy, well, I have to disagree.

I do, too. I have found that such a strategy yields either 1 of 2 results.

1. I fall into that dreaded, “friend” zone that her mind can’t undo.

Or

1. While I’m, “playing it cool,” trying to act like I want to be, “just friends,” some other guy will come along and swipe her right out from underneath me.

 

[ChangingHeart]

Well…here’s the thing, CH. Unfortunately, the date is what it takes to get to know someone…and it’s like weeding people out for a potential job. I think the same applies…

I know dating can be hard, especially when you seem to want one woman, and want it to lead somewhere special. Pray for guidance…and for open mindedness. Every woman is different…

I wish you great blessings with this.

So does that qualify as a “good” date?

Actually, now thinking about it, I had a good date in April of 2003.

 

[Peter_Spilka]

How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: Marry me! JK
forums.catholic-questions.org/images/smilies/tongue.gif
Sorry BruisedReed to perpetuate the off topic posting.

…In the mean time, work on yourself err work on caring and loving others. Once you take the focus off of yourself, and be there for others, chances are you’ll be a bit more magnetic to others.

Good point. I like to think that a potential spouse would recognize this as a sign that you would put your husband’s/wife’s needs before yours. One of my favorite scripture verses is Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love you wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her…” Hopefully someday I will get the chance to try, with Christ’s help, to live up to that standard…
Other guys may disagree, but I think a woman who is dedicated to serving others, is inherently more attractive than one who is concerned only with herself. A woman who goes out of her way to help others is likely to be a loving wife AND caring mother.

6There’s an old saying…be what you want to attract.
God bless you, CH.

I couldn’t agree more.

I also think that one needs to love him/herself, first, for if we do not love ourselves, the way God loves us-… If we don’t know how to love ourselves, then we will not be able to see true love, when it comes.
)

So true. And I would add that if we don’t love ourselves, we can’t love a potential spouse the way we need to. It took me a long time to get over being teased as a kid. My confidence is still a little bit lacking, but I’m on my way to loving myself the way God intended. Meeting the right woman would sure help speed that up.forums.catholic-questions.org/images/smilies/tongue.gif
But now I feel really ready to love someone else.

I feel that the reason you’re not getting as many women interested in you as you’d like is the same one someone else mentioned: the women you are interacting with aren’t ready for someone like you yet. They aren’t at that stage in their lives.

I’ve told myself since high school that the woman God intends me to marry is out there, but she just isn’t the woman God want’s her to be. I guess that went for me too. Over the past few years I’ve tried to change into man God wants me to be, and to become someone would will be an awesome husband. I know exactly how ChangingHeart feels. There were times when I though that I should become a priest, even though I felt very strongly called to the vocation of marriage. It is hard when you don’t even have the opportunity to meet woman with wife credentials. I laughed when I read about the 6 woman a year…because I’ve thought the same. I’m still waiting for that special woman, so I’m not the one to be giving advice on finding a wife, but I will share a few things that have helped me grow in faith with God, while preparing me to be a husband.
About 3 years ago I joined a group called E5Men. www.E5men.org On the first wed. of every month, the men in the group fast (24h bread (if you want) only fast) for their wifes or for other woman, like your mother, sister, etc. I started by fasting for a friend who had been hurt by abusive boyfriends. Now I fast for my future wife. This has been a great consolation for me, that I can love my future wife, even if I don’t know who she is. Even if you don’t fast for your future wife, I think this is a great way to start loving in a way that is sacrificial and giving of one’s self. My only warning here, is that this doesn’t at all subside the feelings of wanting to find a wife. If anything, it has made me “fall in love” with someone I haven’t even met. I should define love…I think it was Pope John Paul II who said that to love, is to will the good of another. In that respect, I do have a great desire to care, provide, and insure the spiritual, emotional, and physical well being of the woman I will marry.
I didn’t have any female friends until college. Since then I have made close friendships with several young woman. I value these friends not only as people who care about me, but also in the way I can practice qualities I will need as a husband. i.e. really listening, caring about the things they care about (but that you would rather not have to think about), loving them (as a friend) unconditionally, sharing your feelings…
more to come…

 

[Peter_Spilka]

Within the past year, I realized that if I want to find someone who loves God and is interested in her faith, then I should do all I can to love God and learn my faith. That’s the reason why I joined this forum. I have become interested in apologetics and scripture study. I have two points here. If you want to marry a saint (lower case) then do all your best to be a Saint. Secondly, learning about ones faith has helped to take some of my focus off of the fact that I’m still single. I’m not making any judgments about you or your faith. This has seemed to help me. In summary, God’s a pretty good distraction and he will give you the grace you need to persevere.
I think I had more things I wanted to say, but I type so slowly that I’ve forgotten. In any case, a few quick points. I know how lonely it can be, waiting for that woman come into your life. I’ve spent nights crying because I just wanted to meet Her. forums.catholic-questions.org/images/smilies/blush.gif
:blush:As men, we are designed by God to love our wife’s with a self giving love that mirrors the love Christ demonstrated on the cross. For me, at least, it is incredibly hard not having someone to love. I trust that God has an awesome plan for me, but I still feel incomplete in the meantime. My best advice here is to love those around you, in preparation for when you are married.
God Bless.
Your Brother in Christ,

Peter

 

[ChangingHeart]

It would certainly help the odds if Catholic women would learn to stop marrying outside the faith, and then complain that their husband isn’t open to children, or that he beats her, or cheats on her, or other lame “you reap what you sow” things like that.

 

[whatevergirl]

Within the past year, I realized that if I want to find someone who loves God and is interested in her faith, then I should do all I can to love God and learn my faith. That’s the reason why I joined this forum. I have become interested in apologetics and scripture study. I have two points here. If you want to marry a saint (lower case) then do all your best to be a Saint. Secondly, learning about ones faith has helped to take some of my focus off of the fact that I’m still single. I’m not making any judgments about you or your faith. This has seemed to help me. In summary, God’s a pretty good distraction and he will give you the grace you need to persevere.
I think I had more things I wanted to say, but I type so slowly that I’ve forgotten. In any case, a few quick points. I know how lonely it can be, waiting for that woman come into your life. I’ve spent nights crying because I just wanted to meet Her. forums.catholic-questions.org/images/smilies/blush.gif
:blush:As men, we are designed by God to love our wife’s with a self giving love that mirrors the love Christ demonstrated on the cross. For me, at least, it is incredibly hard not having someone to love. I trust that God has an awesome plan for me, but I still feel incomplete in the meantime. My best advice here is to love those around you, in preparation for when you are married.
God Bless.
Your Brother in Christ,

Peter

Peter–your advice is very good…You sound like in the waiting period, God has made you ready for marriage.

 

[whatevergirl]

It would certainly help the odds if Catholic women would learn to stop marrying outside the faith, and then complain that their husband isn’t open to children, or that he beats her, or cheats on her, or other lame “you reap what you sow” things like that.

So…women are at fault for marrying jerks, now? Might you find men to be at fault for anything? lol Wow.

 

[Peter_Spilka]

Peter–your advice is very good…You sound like in the waiting period, God has made you ready for marriage.

Thanks. I’m getting there. What’s important is that I’ll be ready when it is time to say, “I do”. Until then, it always advent, as far as I see it.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks. I’m getting there. What’s important is that I’ll be ready when it is time to say, “I do”. Until then, it always advent, as far as I see it.

Before I married, (I was still in college) I didn’t think I was called to married life, for some reason. But, I prayed to God, when I met my husband to be at that time, to ‘give me a sign’ to know that He wanted this man for me. (I had good feelings around him, etc but wasn’t sure) And one thing led to another…we started attending mass together, and one evening, he recognized one of the priests. It was his uncle that he hadn’t seen in 20 years, since he was a teenager! So, that was a sign…we went through our marriage classes with him.

I believe in signs, and if there were ever any advice I could give to someone dating someone that he/she is not sure of, but likes a lot…just give it to God, and ask for a sign of enlightenment to know that this is the person for you. One way or the other, He will let you know. It doesn’t mean that you will be free from tough times, but you will at least have the right person there to weather them with. God bless you Peter!

 

[Zelie_Louis]

Closed at the request of the OP. Please keep threads on topic. If you wish to discuss a different or related topic, start a new thread. Thank you.