How to convince my wife

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amcalabrese

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After child number 1, my wife and I were clear we wanted more. Alex was a pleasure, not screaming much, sleeping well, generally low maintainance.

Now comes child number 2. For two months, Christian did nothing but scream. Add to that, Alex becomes an active, precocious toddler, and he is not two yet.

So my wife is physically and mentally exhausted, despite my best efforts to help.

Is now a bad time to bring up to her that in a few months we should start working on number 3?
 
Collectively assess the benefits and problems #3 would bring about within your life.

Keep in mind that in our high demanding society keeps parenting much harder than it ever has been and College tuitions are not getting any cheaper.

Stress is a major factor.

Think it out well.
Godspeed.
 
Honey your baby is still quite small. No need to officially start ‘trying’ for number 3. give her time to enjoy the 2 she has. I don’t know how old you two are but you have plenty of time.

Some women can handle having a child each year, some cannot. Some are better at having more children after a few years have past.

Let it be God’s time and not your own.
 
Congrats on the two you have!!

As for #3, #4, #5 or whatever…

pay close attention to how you phrased your question:
Is now a bad time to bring up to her that in a few months we should start working on number 3?
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The decision to have children is to be made between husband and wife. The husband doesn’t decide and then coax, convince or coerce the wife to agree, nor does the wife decide and then coax, convince or coerce the husband to agree.

As a man, you do not understand what havoc hormones wreak on a woman’s body and her psyche. Add to that a colicky baby and a clingy toddler and trouble can brew.

Please, give your wife time to heal physically and to have her hormones balanced. No one knows how long that will take, but she’ll know when it’s finally back to normal. Trust her to let you know when her body is ready to consider another pregnancy, and support her all along the way. She needs you right now more than ever.

There’s another thing you should keep in mind. Carrying that baby for the last 3 months is cumbersome, at best. Enduring the labor pains to deliver the child is almost unbearable. Actually having the baby pass through her is excruciating. The mind sends lots and lots of signals to the brain not to do that to the body again…and for a while there, our minds can’t even comprehend another round of that. But in time, the mind forgets the pain and discomfort and only remembers the fluttering and warmth of feeling the baby alive inside, and then the longing for another returns.

Trust in God.
Trust in Nature.
Trust your wife’s knowledge of her own body and mind.

Oh, and take this time to truly explore the two children you have!
This is a wonderful, wonderful stage of life they are in and it goes by so quickly. Soak them up as much as you can, observe their personality traits, bond with them…let them feel your breath, feel the warmth of your hugs, hear your laughter, let them truly feel they are everything to you now because it’s the foundation they will have when they get older and sassier.

It seems you’re so anxious to have #3 that you are tossing aside #1 already and hardly even noticing #2. That would be a very sad thing.
 
Let your wife recouperate and hold off any active “trying” until the stress level goes down.
There is no need to ask God to bless you with a child if you and your wife cannot take care of yourselves emotionally with the two you have.
IMO, this in an instance of the ‘loving act’ involving putting off a pregnancy until #2 is able to handle himself without making Mom rip her hair out.
Now I’m going to put my nose where it doesn’t belong and offer an unsolicited observation from my past experiences with other families who have children with uncontrollable behavior.
Many parents believe their child is simply hyperactive or precocious or obstinate or whatever when there is actually a possibility the child has a mild form of autism. You may be well-advised to do some reading and find out if this is a possibility. Often these children can grow up to be normal, productive adults, but need special attention when they are young. Knowing how to care for a child with special needs- physical and behavioral- is part of the responsibility of parenthood. I don’t mean to scare you or lecture you; I mention this because the child will respond much better to a parent who knows enough about the condition to handle outbursts a certain way.
Both your kids are probably perfectly fine. Just be aware that information is out there if things start to seem not so fine.
 
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amcalabrese:
Is now a bad time to bring up to her that in a few months we should start working on number 3?
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Yes. You should only start working on #3 if you both agree.
—KCT
 
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vluvski:
Let your wife recouperate and hold off any active “trying” until the stress level goes down.
There is no need to ask God to bless you with a child if you and your wife cannot take care of yourselves emotionally with the two you have.
IMO, this in an instance of the ‘loving act’ involving putting off a pregnancy until #2 is able to handle himself without making Mom rip her hair out.
Now I’m going to put my nose where it doesn’t belong and offer an unsolicited observation from my past experiences with other families who have children with the type of behavior you described.
Many parents believe their child is simply hyperactive or precocious or obstinate or whatever when there is actually a possibility the child has a mild form of autism. You may be well-advised to do some reading and find out if this is a possibility regarding Christian. Often these children can grow up to be normal, productive adults, but need special attention when they are young. Knowing how to care for a child with special needs- physical and behavioral- is part of the responsibility of parenthood. I don’t mean to scare you or lecture you; I mention this because the child will respond much better to a parent who knows enough about the condition to handle outbursts a certain way.
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Whoa. Whoa…

I’m sure you mean very well, but as a professional who has worked extensively with children who are diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, I find it highly assumptive and somewhat dangerous to tell the father of a eight-week-old screamer that his son is possibly autistic!!!

Have you seen the thread about babies who scream? It’s simply a reality. There are a number of reasons why his child could be a screamer, but suddenly jumping to conclusions about autism as even a possibility is not helpful for the OP. I’m very confused how you would come to this conclusion based on the extremely limited information the OP provided in the first place.
 
Vluski raises a good point…

autism does appear to be on the rise…
and there is a strong following who believe it is brought on by certain vaccinations…

in any case, the symptoms appear to show up around age 3 so it might be wise to at least wait until each child in the family clears the hurdle, so to speak, before starting on the next. Not to suggest one doesn’t have another if that were the case, but certainly the spacing of the next would need serious consideration in order to ensure the child already here with autism gets all the resources he/she needs.
 
Abby, I misread the stuff and thought the screamer and the precocious child were one in the same. I edited my post accordingly.
 
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vluvski:
Abby, I misread the stuff and thought the screamer and the precocious child were one in the same. I edited my post accordingly.
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whew! 😃
 
Is now a bad time to bring up to her that in a few months we should start working on number 3?
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:ehh: What makes you think you “should start working” on any number?
**Here’s my advice: Don’t worry about it either way right now. As long as you are both open to the chance of another, let God worry about the rest. “Working” or not, the choice is His in the end anyhow. **
Don’t worry about the screamer either, just go with your gut and do what seems best. My 2nd one was a difficult one too, but he is now the child with the sweetest and most nurturing disposition of all 7 so far.
 
Let me make it clear.

I know it needs to be a joint decision by my wife and me. How and when should I start trying to convince my wife? That is the question, and it was meant to be slightly tounge in cheek.

BTW – the screamer has stopped screaming. Interestingly, at 3 months, he is now sleeping through the night, but the older child is the one waking up several times a night.
 
When you’re exhausted from the ones you already have, congratulations, affection, and support are in order. Right now, she might take the suggestion to have more kids as evidence that you have no idea how tired she is. Don’t jump the gun and get the poor woman’s heels dug in out of self-defense… we’re talking hormones and exhaustion, not logic.

Start (or re-start) the date nights, give her time for herself, encourage her to take care of herself, compliment her efforts to stay attractive, consider childcare and work around home to be “our job” and not “her job”…and when you can consistently look at her and think “not exhausted”, then maybe you can bring it up.

Otherwise, just swoon a lot about how wonderful a mother she is, how amazing it is that she can be such a great wife and such a great mom at the same time, how lucky you are to have such a wonderful family, how wonderful it is to be a dad, how thankful you are that she married you, and so on. Do not complain about your finances or how you are going to manage. Together, that’s probably hint enough that you’re open to continue the family expansion whenever she is.
 
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amcalabrese:
Let me make it clear.

I know it needs to be a joint decision by my wife and me. How and when should I start trying to convince my wife? That is the question, and it was meant to be slightly tounge in cheek.

BTW – the screamer has stopped screaming. Interestingly, at 3 months, he is now sleeping through the night, but the older child is the one waking up several times a night.
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If you have to “convince” her…

What if you waited until she comes to you with the desire to talk about expanding your family?
 
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BLB_Oregon:
When you’re exhausted from the ones you already have, congratulations, affection, and support are in order. Right now, she might take the suggestion to have more kids as evidence that you have no idea how tired she is. Don’t jump the gun and get the poor woman’s heels dug in out of self-defense… we’re talking hormones and exhaustion, not logic.

Start (or re-start) the date nights, give her time for herself, encourage her to take care of herself, compliment her efforts to stay attractive, consider childcare and work around home to be “our job” and not “her job”…and when you can consistently look at her and think “not exhausted”, then maybe you can bring it up.

Otherwise, just swoon a lot about how wonderful a mother she is, how amazing it is that she can be such a great wife and such a great mom at the same time, how lucky you are to have such a wonderful family, how wonderful it is to be a dad, how thankful you are that she married her, and so on. Do not complain about your finances or how you are going to manage. Together, that’s probably hint enough that you’re open to continue the family expansion whenever she is.
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Great advice.

Your youngest is only three months… your wife is still recovering! Give her a break! Is there a reason you’re seemingly anxious to have your children barely a year apart or so?
 
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amcalabrese:
Let me make it clear.

I know it needs to be a joint decision by my wife and me. How and when should I start trying to convince my wife? That is the question, and it was meant to be slightly tounge in cheek.

BTW – the screamer has stopped screaming. Interestingly, at 3 months, he is now sleeping through the night, but the older child is the one waking up several times a night.
Click to expand...
Three months is little. Why not enjoy him w/o worrying about trying for another? Are you in a hurry for another one already? If so, any particular reason why? (if it’s not too personal 🙂 —KCT
 
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KCT:
Three months is little. Why not enjoy him w/o worrying about trying for another? Are you in a hurry for another one already? If so, any particular reason why? (if it’s not too personal 🙂 —KCT
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Mostly because we are both 38, and I would like to have at least one more child while I still have enough energy to keep up with them!
 
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amcalabrese:
Mostly because we are both 38, and I would like to have at least one more child **while I **still have enough energy to keep up with them!
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hmmmm - didn’t you just tell us that your wife was exhausted? All I see is the “I” in your above statement. You still have time.
 
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jrabs:
hmmmm - didn’t you just tell us that your wife was exhausted? All I see is the “I” in your above statement. You still have time.

OK, while WE still have the energy.

ANd what can I say. I was an only child thanks to my mom’s medical difficulties. My wife was one of five. And so I guess I am jealous of her for that reason.
 
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amcalabrese:
Let me make it clear.

I know it needs to be a joint decision by my wife and me. How and when should I start trying to convince my wife?
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When she comes to you and opens the topic.

Until then view the gifts you have with gratitude and do what you reasonably can to help your wife with household and childrearing responsibilities. Until she regains her balance and feels more in control of the responsibilites she has already taken on, I can’t imagine why you’d want to add to her load.
 
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