How to convince wife to go to marriage counseling?

[whatevergirl]

I will also add, I know someone who got infected with gonorrhea and that was the final thing that made him understand that his wife was cheating on him, because she was denying it. (Well, that was me some 20 years ago ) Gonorrhea can be treated and cured with antibiotics. HIV/AIDS, HPV, and genital herpes CANNOT. If you have a suspicion of your wife having a “best friend”, you must abstain from her. You never know what’s going on, what is she not admitting to you, and you should play it safe. Also, you may need to talk to a lawyer. Fortunately you don’t have kids.

I agree…never play naive or ignore suspicions, to keep peace…

Unless one is just suspicious all the time, then that is a different story. But, if a person is of reasonable mind, and suddenly starts sensing that something is afoot in the marriage, don’t ignore those signs. My gut has always steered me right, when my heart has steered me wrong in my life.

 

[mariciaspirit]

:bowdown:I sympathize with you because I am in a similar situation which is still unresolved. My husband however was the one who mistreated me and still does not understand the importance of a virtuous woman. I am now separated eight months from my husband and still cannot convince him that counselling from the Church can help. So my best response to you is to repent to the Lord for whatever sins you may have committed against him and ask for forgiveness for not treating your wife with the love and respect the Bible teaches us to give to our spouses Stop beating yourself up and start appealing to the Holy Spirit to work in your marriage. Do not pressure your wife because it will only draw her further away from you. Start working on being a strong man of Christ and focus less on the physical. I know this is hard because I have spent many days and nights riding on an emotional roller coaster as a result of separation. However I have realized that God needs to work in both parties for reconcilation to take place. If your wife has a personal relationship with God, the Holy Spirit will speak to her on what is the right. Be thankful she is not in the world. Surrender yourself and allow him to work in you, then wait for him to work in all the other areas of your life.

 

[JoeKR]

: Do not pressure your wife because it will only draw her further away from you.

Yes, I agree with this statement. Right now we are still on speaking terms and living in the same house, although I don’t see her much at all due to all her commitments. I feel like if it ever gets to the point where we can’t talk or be in the vicinity of each other, then it will be that much more difficult to reconcile.

Just a little update on me and my marriage. Over the past week nothing has really changed with the marriage situation, but I didn’t expect it to. It will take time, and probably an intervention by God. I met with my wife’s mother last weekend (6-hour round trip drive) and have kept in touch with her via email through the week. I learned a great deal about her mom, and picked up a few things about my wife and her family’s background. I also contacted one of my wife’s long time friends and asked her to talk to my wife about the situation, which she did. Both my wife’s mom and friend think she is being “stubborn”, and her mom is definately upset that she is acting this way and being so selfish and blind to the fact that my wife also needs to make changes if she ever wants to be happy in any long term relationship.

I also met with our parrish priest yesterday. It felt good to talk to him and he helped remind me that my approach shouldn’t just be talking, but should be action. Basically, show her that I’m capable of changing my behaviors and get more involved with various social and church activities, and show that I’m capable of affection and kindness. I already knew this, but it is good to have people reiterate this approach. I have nothing to lose at this point. My wife has totally taken herself out of the marriage, and I can only try with all my effort to show her that I can be the man that once made her happy.

I also haven’t lost sight of the fact that I’m the only one in the marriage trying at this point to repair things, and my wife has done just as much wrong over the years and is unwilling to make positive changes. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about these facts long term, even if I somehow manage to get the marriage back together. I know the right thing to do in God’s eyes is to forgive, but I also know it will be a true struggle for me.

 

[Sarabande]

Joe - I have read through this whole thread and you are getting a lot of very good advice. I just wanted to tell you that you and your wife are in my prayers. I know that this must be such a difficult time for you.

Anything I would say would pretty much echo what has already been said, but I want to add this one thing:

Please do not blame your introverted personality as the reason for the hurts in your marriage. As others and yourself have said, it’s the communication problems which I believe was the main problem. You sometimes sound like you believe your introverted personality makes you inferior to the majority of people in this world. Please know that is not true. You are not inferior and you don’t have a problem in that regard. I suggest you read the book “The Introvert Advantage”. It helps introverts (and extroverts) understand the scientific reasons and brain functions of the introvert. It also helps bring an understanding in how introverts take in and process the world and their surroundings, their socializing techniques, etc. Introverts tend to be misunderstood a lot. It’s not that they don’t like socializing, but it is how they socialize is different than the majority. And they tend to be looked down upon if they don’t fit the mold of the majority. I should know… I’m a total 100%, grade A introvert. haha! And reading that book really helped me in accepting my personality, but also helped me figure out how to survive those horrible social butterfly events without dropping out of the picture all together. For instance, I have learned to seek out another introvert or two in the crowd and then we all find a nice place to sit and converse deeply without feeling pressured to small talk with tons of people. Writing and music is also what helps me express myself better, and I can tell that you are also the same in terms of writing. As someone else said, perhaps writing a heart-filled letter to your wife could help.

Anyway, I just don’t want you to keep beating yourself up. Of course, making a marriage work takes two, but I really believe you are putting the majority of the blame on yourself and have been blaming your introversion for a part of it. Please don’t do that. You seem like a good man who is trying to make this work. Prayers for both of you. God bless.

 

[mariciaspirit]

I apologise Joe for not reading all of your threads. However I get the picture now. Ironically both my husband and I share the same age with you and your wife. We met straight out of school and had an exclusive relationship until recently. I have walked this road and I am still walking. Your wife is involved with this man. When I say involved I mean EMOTIONALLY. He is her comforter. There is nothing that you can do and say that will make her change her mind (in the physical realm). Not even the movie. As one of the other members said you and your wife are the ones who are in the marriage.
I argued, cursed (oh yeah, never cursed in my life till marital problems), physically fought, appealed to his mother, who is a lay minister and some of our close friends. I stopped arguing, submitted as his wife, reminded him we had a two year old, ignored the problems in an effort to create peace, visited many priests, called on everyone to prayer for us, left the house because he said he needed time to think and just about everything else within the confines of the Laws the Good Lord set for us. My husband had a female friend on his job who he would confide in and she was having problems as well with her boyfriend. Recipe for disaster. They are not able to see anything clearly when they enter this stage. You will always be the bad one and even the slightest thing will set them of running into the opposite direction and to the other person. One thing to note is that many more before you have walked this same path and the circumstances may be different but the road the same. I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out how to save my marriage and what was the real source of the problem and finally I was able to understand the real depth of the problem. The devil is here to thief, kill and destroy and you are not fighting against flesh and blood. Call on your Creator. You are now on the battleground. Praise his Holy Name on the good days and the bad every chance you get. Stop complaining, questioning or sinking in despair. Cut emotional ties from her. My Priest told me this and I was upset until I truly understood what he meant. Your emotions impair your judgement on what is the Truth. “Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him standing firm in faith…” 1 Peter 5:8-9. She is in a pit and if you are not careful she will drag your spiritual man into it as well. I was unable to do this on my own so I reminded God that “if anything prevents me from serving the kingdom, then it should be cut off” and he healed me miraculously and in an instant he cut me off emotionally from my husband. Depending on the situation you may have to cut physical ties as well. I now feel no pain at the thought of my husband with this other woman. However this has not stopped me from praising with thanksgiving for the work being done in both our lives. Appeal to God because he created her and he has the authority over her. Remind him that he said what he has joined together no man can put asunder. Ask the Holy Spirit to light your path and this entire ordeal will become very, very easy for you. You cannot win your wife back without putting GOD FIRST in EVERYTHING you do. EVERY SINGLE THING. Look on the bright side. This is a great opportunity for the Lord to strengthen your marriage or refine it. Please read Job. It took me more than a year to get some peace. I hope by sharing with you, you will get there faster. My prayers are with the both of you. :bowdown:

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Joe, did you talk to your priest about your wife’s affair with this other man? I will call it an affair regardless of its extent which you don’t know at this point - whether it’s only emotional or more. If this man is a parishioner, your priest could ask him to come in and meet both of you (your priest and you). Separately, your priest could ask your wife and you to meet him and confront your wife about her affair. There’s no way around this, she must be confronted about her affair, and then, maybe, she will come to her senses. I understand that your priest told you that you could get more involved in social life and parish activities, and be more affectionate to your wife, that what did he say about your wife’s affair and how is he going to help you deal with that? Frankly, I think that at this point focusing on parish activities and social life instead of dealing with your wife’s affair is akin to polishing the brass rails on the Titanic while the ship is going down. The fact that your wife is so involved in the parish life just might give you an extra chance. If she is not willing to listen to her mom, maybe your priest could still have a chance of arranging a meeting with her and talking about the real issues: the need of both of you to stay committed to each other for a lifetime, to be open to the gift of children in your marriage, and the urgent need for your wife to put an end to her involvement with the other man. These are the real issues, and I sincerely hope that both you and your priest will deal with them head-on. As long as you don’t confront the real issues, you will continue walking on eggshells, Joe. May God strengthen you in your difficult situation and give you all the necessary courage and wisdom to deal with it. You are in my prayers.

 

[JoeKR]

I apologise Joe for not reading all of your threads. However I get the picture now. Ironically both my husband and I share the same age with you and your wife. We met straight out of school and had an exclusive relationship until recently. I have walked this road and I am still walking. Your wife is involved with this man. When I say involved I mean EMOTIONALLY. He is her comforter. There is nothing that you can do and say that will make her change her mind (in the physical realm). Not even the movie. As one of the other members said you and your wife are the ones who are in the marriage.
I argued, cursed (oh yeah, never cursed in my life till marital problems), physically fought, appealed to his mother, who is a lay minister and some of our close friends. I stopped arguing, submitted as his wife, reminded him we had a two year old, ignored the problems in an effort to create peace, visited many priests, called on everyone to prayer for us, left the house because he said he needed time to think and just about everything else within the confines of the Laws the Good Lord set for us. My husband had a female friend on his job who he would confide in and she was having problems as well with her boyfriend. Recipe for disaster. They are not able to see anything clearly when they enter this stage. You will always be the bad one and even the slightest thing will set them of running into the opposite direction and to the other person. One thing to note is that many more before you have walked this same path and the circumstances may be different but the road the same. I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out how to save my marriage and what was the real source of the problem and finally I was able to understand the real depth of the problem. The devil is here to thief, kill and destroy and you are not fighting against flesh and blood. Call on your Creator. You are now on the battleground. Praise his Holy Name on the good days and the bad every chance you get. Stop complaining, questioning or sinking in despair. Cut emotional ties from her. My Priest told me this and I was upset until I truly understood what he meant. Your emotions impair your judgement on what is the Truth. “Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him standing firm in faith…” 1 Peter 5:8-9. She is in a pit and if you are not careful she will drag your spiritual man into it as well. I was unable to do this on my own so I reminded God that “if anything prevents me from serving the kingdom, then it should be cut off” and he healed me miraculously and in an instant he cut me off emotionally from my husband. Depending on the situation you may have to cut physical ties as well. I now feel no pain at the thought of my husband with this other woman. However this has not stopped me from praising with thanksgiving for the work being done in both our lives. Appeal to God because he created her and he has the authority over her. Remind him that he said what he has joined together no man can put asunder. Ask the Holy Spirit to light your path and this entire ordeal will become very, very easy for you. You cannot win your wife back without putting GOD FIRST in EVERYTHING you do. EVERY SINGLE THING. Look on the bright side. This is a great opportunity for the Lord to strengthen your marriage or refine it. Please read Job. It took me more than a year to get some peace. I hope by sharing with you, you will get there faster. My prayers are with the both of you. :bowdown:

Wow. Your situation is very similar to mine, from the best I can tell. There is definately an emotional relationship going on with the other guy, and I’m pretty sure it’s physical too at this point. As I previously mentioned my wife is very involved with several Church ministries, but she is also very active in a certain service organization (not affiliated with any religious group). Well, guess what… the other guy is also highly involved in the service organization. PLUS, he is going through a separation with his wife, and the best I can tell he and his wife both are Catholic. They live about 100 miles away. I have met him twice, but never met his wife. I know my wife has confided in the other guy, because she felt he could related best to what she was going through.

I totally agree that emotions are distorting their judgement at this point and nothing anyone says will get through to them.

 

[JoeKR]

Joe, did you talk to your priest about your wife’s affair with this other man? I will call it an affair regardless of its extent which you don’t know at this point - whether it’s only emotional or more. If this man is a parishioner, your priest could ask him to come in and meet both of you (your priest and you). Separately, your priest could ask your wife and you to meet him and confront your wife about her affair. There’s no way around this, she must be confronted about her affair, and then, maybe, she will come to her senses. I understand that your priest told you that you could get more involved in social life and parish activities, and be more affectionate to your wife, that what did he say about your wife’s affair and how is he going to help you deal with that? Frankly, I think that at this point focusing on parish activities and social life instead of dealing with your wife’s affair is akin to polishing the brass rails on the Titanic while the ship is going down. The fact that your wife is so involved in the parish life just might give you an extra chance. If she is not willing to listen to her mom, maybe your priest could still have a chance of arranging a meeting with her and talking about the real issues: the need of both of you to stay committed to each other for a lifetime, to be open to the gift of children in your marriage, and the urgent need for your wife to put an end to her involvement with the other man. These are the real issues, and I sincerely hope that both you and your priest will deal with them head-on. As long as you don’t confront the real issues, you will continue walking on eggshells, Joe. May God strengthen you in your difficult situation and give you all the necessary courage and wisdom to deal with it. You are in my prayers.

Joseph, I agree with you. But, no matter what happens with my marriage, I view my increased involvement in social and Church activities as something I need in the long run. It will help me as a person, even if I end up without my wife in my life and single in the future.

As far as telling my preist about the affair, I did. I confided some infomation in him that I discovered through snooping over the past couple weeks. I haven’t told anyone else about this information yet. I didn’t give every detail, but thought I was providing enough. Unfortunately I didn’t get the reaction that I thought I would get. The meeting with the priest was only about an hour, so I realize he is likely only getting the basic information on the situation. I don’t know…maybe I didn’t convince him about the “affair”. He only mentioned that maybe I need to confront her or the other guy, but didn’t really stress it, like it was absolutely crucial to getting to the root of the issues.

I should point out that I don’t consider my current parrish to be very orthodox (if that is the correct term to use here). The Church is great (makes you feel good in general), and I’ve never seen such a high level of attendence at mass, and people so involved in all the ministries. It is really something. I grew up in the north and the parrishes there were much different. Much more orthodox, but also a lot less enthusiasm from the parrishioners. My current parrish is in the south. I’ve seen and heard things in my current parrish through the past several years that contradicts what I was taught years ago, and I think would also contradict what is currently taught by the Roman Catholic Church. So, although I didn’t get the reaction from my priest that I thought I would, it doesn’t really surprise me. I’ve talked to others that also have problems with the way the parrish “bends” or “distorts” some of the basic teachings and beliefs of the Roman Catholic Church. For example, one friend I talked to a couple weeks ago about my marriage situation told me he didn’t care for the way our Church handles marriage and divorce. He told me of a situation where one of the priests made a comment about annullments. When talking to a group of people, the priest supposedly said something along the lines …“hey, you need an annullment, I got a whole briefcase full of reasons for an annullment”. In my mind this something they shouldn’t be saying. They are almost making it sound like separation of husband and wife is acceptable. There are many other things that I’ve heard too that go against some of the basic Catholic beliefs, such a having children. As you can see, I’m not sure how much help I will get from my priests and parrish on my marriage.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Joe, your wife is most likely having an affair. I’m terribly sorry for your pain.

This site can help you…www.marriagebuilders.com

My prayers are with you and your wife.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Joe, I’m so sorry to hear the situation at your parish. It looks like you cannot count much on your priest, indeed. It’s such a pity, because he has a very special, God-given authority as the shepherd of every single soul in his parish, and that commands respect and it might have motivated your wife to listen to him, even if she is not willing to listen to you and to her mom. But, we should recognize, priests are only human, with human failings and weaknesses…

I gather based on your posts, that you have a pretty good understanding of what’s going on. I commend you for your cool head and your effort to keep peace and civility. I’m just thinking out loud, I don’t know how to go about this, but maybe you should confront your wife with specific facts. At that point, she could basically go two different ways: she either admits that the two of you have a problem, beyond what she was willing to openly admit previously, and she will agree to work with you to fix your marriage, or she will still keep denying her affair, in spite of any evidence you have, but she will probably ask for a divorce and will cooperate with you to go through it as fast and with as little pain as possible. These are the two main scenarios that I imagine as most likely, but of course I could be wrong.

 

[JoeKR]

Joe, I’m so sorry to hear the situation at your parish. It looks like you cannot count much on your priest, indeed. It’s such a pity, because he has a very special, God-given authority as the shepherd of every single soul in his parish, and that commands respect and it might have motivated your wife to listen to him, even if she is not willing to listen to you and to her mom. But, we should recognize, priests are only human, with human failings and weaknesses…

I gather based on your posts, that you have a pretty good understanding of what’s going on. I commend you for your cool head and your effort to keep peace and civility. I’m just thinking out loud, I don’t know how to go about this, but maybe you should confront your wife with specific facts. At that point, she could basically go two different ways: she either admits that the two of you have a problem, beyond what she was willing to openly admit previously, and she will agree to work with you to fix your marriage, or she will still keep denying her affair, in spite of any evidence you have, but she will probably ask for a divorce and will cooperate with you to go through it as fast and with as little pain as possible. These are the two main scenarios that I imagine as most likely, but of course I could be wrong.

I think I do have a good understanding of what is going on, and people such as yourself and the other anonymous folks here on the forum have helped tremendously. I can’t thank you all enough!

Joseph, I think you have almost been able to read my mind. In your last post you have pretty much said what I have been thinking the past couple days. So far I have confronted my wife several times, but with no facts or evidence. Basically, I’ve been trying to keep things civil and hoping that she would give not only me, but our friends and family, the common decency of telling the TRUTH. I think it is close to the next step for me, where I compile all the existing evidence and facts, and collect more information as it becomes available, and confront her with it. I’m just thinking…but maybe provide everything in a letter, ask her to read it and think about it for a few days or so. If she is willing to cooperate, then great, we can go from there and decide whether the marriage can work or not. If she denies it, which I think she will, I will then need to expose the situation to family, close friends, and important people in our lives. This matter doesn’t just affect me, and it doesn’t just affect me and my wife, it affects everyone that knows and cares about us, including family and friends. And those people deserve to know the TRUTH also. I know it will be difficult for me to expose everything, and difficult for my wife, but I think it is the right thing to do in the long run. If there is one thing I really hate, it is lies and deception.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Word of advice, my friend…

This is one instance where the messenger never comes out looking good.

Don’t ever “offer” this kind of information. Sit tight. MAKE her make the first move to dissolve the marriage if that’s what she wants. Play possum. Make her have to do everything. You respond to it when it happens.

Seriously. You believe marriage is forever. Make her be the one who files for divorce to be with Mr. Magic Man. THEN when you tell people about it, they will ask what happened. Be gentlemanly. Be vague. If they ask if there is someone else, say very much by saying very little. Let them know how you are hurting, but just say “It hurts too much to talk about.” Let people draw their own conclusions.

I know what it feels like. I know the urge to go out and tell everyone what you are being put through. But oddly enough, YOU are the one who will look bad if you denigrate her in any way.

It’s not fair. It’s just the way it is. You can be more open with your own family, of course, and go to them for advice and to talk. But you will look better in the long run by sitting quietly and letting her behavior characterize her.

By letting her be the one to file divorce, it outlines for a future tribunal that SHE was the one who didn’t believe in the perpetual nature of the wedding vow.

Resist the urge to tell everyone what she is up to. Just a warning worth repeating.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I think I do have a good understanding of what is going on, and people such as yourself and the other anonymous folks here on the forum have helped tremendously. I can’t thank you all enough!

Joseph, I think you have almost been able to read my mind. In your last post you have pretty much said what I have been thinking the past couple days. So far I have confronted my wife several times, but with no facts or evidence. Basically, I’ve been trying to keep things civil and hoping that she would give not only me, but our friends and family, the common decency of telling the TRUTH. I think it is close to the next step for me, where I compile all the existing evidence and facts, and collect more information as it becomes available, and confront her with it. I’m just thinking…but maybe provide everything in a letter, ask her to read it and think about it for a few days or so. If she is willing to cooperate, then great, we can go from there and decide whether the marriage can work or not. If she denies it, which I think she will, I will then need to expose the situation to family, close friends, and important people in our lives. This matter doesn’t just affect me, and it doesn’t just affect me and my wife, it affects everyone that knows and cares about us, including family and friends. And those people deserve to know the TRUTH also. I know it will be difficult for me to expose everything, and difficult for my wife, but I think it is the right thing to do in the long run. If there is one thing I really hate, it is lies and deception.

Your wife will not respond in a normal fashion while in the throes of an affair. She needs to justify her terrible choices and you will become her reason. You will hear things like:

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”
“Too much has happened”
“It’s too late, we never should have married”

Please visit the site I suggested and pray.

 

[josephdavid]

My wife and I are both catholic and going through serious marriage problems. I guess under civil law we are separated for the past week. I truely believe that the problems between us can be resolved and we can be happy again. She finally confronted me this past Friday and told me she wasn’t happy, and hasn’t been happy for quite some time, and that she wants to end our marriage. I know things haven’t been 100% happy and right for awhile. There has been a lack of communication on both our sides as you can see. The main reasons that she has been unhappy is that I haven’t been involved in her social life (which is extremely important to her) and I have not showed her affection when she needs it. I’m willing to do whatever I can to make changes in my life, not only to make her happy, but to make me a better caring and loving person. I know I have done wrong and I’m asking God and my wife for forgiveness. Divorce is not an option for me.

My wife has totally given up. She doesn’t think I can give her what she needs to be happy. And she has stated that anything I do now is “too little too late.” I’m working on getting her to wacth the Fireproof movie, but that is going to be difficult, at best. I also think counseling could really help. I’m going to see my priest within the next week, even if she won’t go. But I would like her to go and I’m looking for any advice anyone can offer to try and convince her to go with me. I asked her on Saturday if she had any interest in going to speak to someone at our parish about our marriage and she said she didn’t think it would be “fruitful.” I’ve also looked into Retrouvaille and it looks great, but I know she will not want to go with me.

She is very involved (several times each week with various ministires) with the Church which makes this so much harder for me to deal with. I was raised Catholic and she converted to the Catholic Church shortly after we got married. I don’t believe our problems are so bad that divorce is the answer. I don’t know how to get through to her at this point. I know she can be really stubborn at times. It is frustating for me to see how involved she is at our Church, but unwilling to try and make our marriage work. I guess she wants us to be officially separated under civil law so she make make the divorce final after 12 months.

Sorry for the long post. I could go on and on with more details and my thoughts and feelings. As you can imagine I’m feeling pretty hopeless at this point. Just talking to people and writing on these forums seems to comfort me. Prayer has also been a comfort this past week.

Joe,
I know what you are going through. It is not easy. Keep talking to her and try to reach to her. But do not give up on counseling.

Keep in there and keep praying. My prayers are with you.

 

[JoeKR]

I guess I have a great deal to think about. I won’t be seeing my wife for about two full weeks. It will give us some more time apart. She’s gone on a mission trip out of the country, and the day she gets back I will have gone out of town for a work conference and then visiting my family out of state for a weekend.

These forums sure are wonderful. I’ve spent quite a bit of time reading various threads and have learned a lot about a wide array of subjects. I wish I would have found this site a long time ago.

 

[mariciaspirit]

Word of advice, my friend…

Sit tight. MAKE her make the first move to dissolve the marriage if that’s what she wants. … Make her have to do everything. You respond to it when it happens.

Resist the urge to tell everyone what she is up to. Just a warning worth repeating.

And those people deserve to know the TRUTH also. I know it will be difficult for me to expose everything, and difficult for my wife, but I think it is the right thing to do in the long run. If there is one thing I really hate, it is lies and deception.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the reaction that I thought I would get… I should point out that I don’t consider my current parrish to be very orthodox (if that is the correct term to use here).

Greeting to all in the Name of Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

•Confronting the both of them. Great idea. My husband lied and lied and is still lying. He said he was not physically involved with the individual and she was just a good friend. The Spirit of Truth gave me her phone number (I did not have to search his phone) and I called and said “If you are his good friend then leave us alone to mend our marriage.” She replied that she did not want to come between us and I politely showed her that she was. Huge dent in any adulterous relationship? What was in the dark is now in the light and anything born out of darkness cannot survive in the light.
•Priests. Agreed, they are flesh and blood, and this is why I said in everything you do put God first. Even when going to visit him ask the Holy Spirit to take control of you marital affair so that the Priest will be able to properly minister to you and your wife. My parish’s priest advice was “leave him alone and he will come home” (around). This does not sit well with me even though it has truth in this statement. If you are not satisfied with his response then visit another for a second opinion. Just like a doctor. Do you have a Charismatic Priest you can go too?
•Divorce. Infidelity by a wife is the only valid reason I know of for divorce in the bible. If you are willing to forgive her then keep fighting. Stand your ground. Give her an ultimatum. Let her know what she is doing is wrong in the eyes of the Lord and either she agrees to get help or she files for divorce in the right way. In the church and in the law. If she wants to continue doing what is wrong then it becomes her burden to carry. Say nothing more.
•“Marriage is to be honoured by all and husbands and wife must be faithful to each other. God will judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery.” Hebrew 13:4. Stop telling your business to other people it will only make reconciliation harder and everything will eventually be revealed. “For we know who said ’I will take revenge, I will repay…’It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God.” (Heb. 10:30-31). Pray for her salvation instead. Remember the bigger picture. Spiritual Warfare.
May God continue to bless you both through this journey.:bowdown:

 

[JoeKR]

Just an update on what I’ve been up to this past week. I continued talking to several people, including my mother-in-law, I retreived my wife’s cell phone records for the past several months (wow! big surprise there, but then again, not really considering what I already knew), stayed busy working on stuff around the house, brainstormed a few social activities that I would like to get involved in, bought three books on Amazon that I saw people here recommending on marriage and love, wathched the Fireproof movie by myself (I think they took a snapshot of my life and made a movie about it, no kidding!), went to confession, and thought a great deal about how to deal with everything. I’m trying to not let this situation consume me, but its very difficult.

I know I need to confront my wife at some point soon about her relationship with the other guy. I have a good deal of evidence and proof, but there are a few more pieces of information I’d like to obtain before I let the cat out of the bag.

What is everyone’s opinion on contacting the other man’s wife? From the little I know, they have been separated for the past six weeks or so. I have never met her. I think she was the one who wanted the separation. I’m wondering if she perhaps knows about my wife, or if her husband maybe told her the truth that he was involved with someone else and that is what cuased the actual separation. I hate to bother her because I’m sure she is likely going through her own pain, but on the other hand maybe it would give her some closure on the situation. Let me know what you think. I think I can send her a private message through Facebook, maybe just start out with general information and see if she would be willing to talk to me or share information.

 

[dulcissima]

I think contacting the wife is a good idea. Let her know who you are, that your wife is wanting a separation and that you are concerned about the nature of the relationship between her husband and your wife. Ask if perhaps she could shed some more light on this for you. I think it sounds like you are wanting that confirmation in order to know how to proceed. Keeping you in my prayers.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I think telling the other wife is a great idea.

She should know so she can make informed decisions.

She should also know for her medical safety (sorry).

 

[JoeKR]

Well here is my plan of attack on this whole mess. I know I need to confront my wife about the affair. I was able to get some additional hard proof about everything. Basically undisputuable. I’m not pround of how I obtained this information though. Since my wife won’t talk to me about our marriage, and doesn’t seem to comprehend anything anyone says right now because her emotions are clouding her judgement, I’m composing a lengthy letter to her with my thoughts and feelings and to inform her I know about her relationship about the other man. I really wish I could do it face to face in person, but that really doesn’t seem to be much of an option at this point. Everything would go in one ear and out the other.

I also think I have a moral obligation to tell a select few people about the affair. The other wife should know. And close family and friends should know. Right now there is too much confusion over the situation because these people don’t know the whole story. They are also suffering and concerned here. The other reason for telling family and friends is that I fear my wife has gotten swept up into something wrong, and could possibly be making a decison based solely on emotions. The affair appears to have developed with lightning speed which is very concerning to me.

Thanks again for all the prayers and support on this situation.