How to convince wife to go to marriage counseling?

[iamrefreshed]

Just a bit of advice on your correct decision on exposing the affair…

Don’t tell your wife your plans. If you do she will use that warning to spin her affair as your fault. Adulterer’s are well versed in lies. They rarely take resposibility for their own actions.

My prayers are with you.

Do not take this sitting down. No woman can respect a husband that would sit idly by while she cheats. I hope your marriage is worth fighting for.

 

[dulcissima]

JoeKR, I am really sorry for all of the pain that you are going through. Do you think that your marriage is valid if your wife was not really open to having realtions with you, you never had any children, and now she has left you to run off and do what she would typically refuse to do with you?

I think at this point, rather than get all swept up in the emotion, the pain, and the betrayal, you need to ask yourself what do you hope to accomplish? Do you want to reconcile with her? Would you now trust her to be the mother of your children? What do you think her actions over the years imply about her belief in her role in this marriage?

 

[JoeKR]

Just a bit of advice on your correct decision on exposing the affair…

Don’t tell your wife your plans. If you do she will use that warning to spin her affair as your fault. Adulterer’s are well versed in lies. They rarely take resposibility for their own actions.

My prayers are with you.

Do not take this sitting down. No woman can respect a husband that would sit idly by while she cheats. I hope your marriage is worth fighting for.

Iamrefreshed:

I’ve read the advice many have given about exposing the affair without the spouse knowing. I guess I’m just too nice of a guy to do that. I understand its purpose. Maybe I’m just weak, I don’t know. I don’t plan to give her much warning. I’ll just give her the letter, and within a day or two I’ll be in contact with friends and family about the situation. I realize she is going to spin the story no matter what, and no matter when I expose the affair. I’ll just need to handle the outfall from this. I might end up looking like the bad guy by exposing everything, but I have faith that at least some of the people will see the truth and understand my motives. I also feel like I have a moral obligation to expose the affair. My wife is most active in the youth ministry at Church with the high school aged kids. The kids likely see her as a role model. I feel the other adults involved in the youth ministry should keep a close eye on what my wife is telling the kids, especially anything regarding our marriage and separation. I’ll let the other adults decide if/how they want to handle everything.

 

[JoeKR]

JoeKR, I am really sorry for all of the pain that you are going through. Do you think that your marriage is valid if your wife was not really open to having realtions with you, you never had any children, and now she has left you to run off and do what she would typically refuse to do with you?

I think at this point, rather than get all swept up in the emotion, the pain, and the betrayal, you need to ask yourself what do you hope to accomplish? Do you want to reconcile with her? Would you now trust her to be the mother of your children? What do you think her actions over the years imply about her belief in her role in this marriage?

I’m not sure if my marriage is valid or not. I’ll leave that up to the review council to make that decision. I actually think my best argument is that my wife likely never considered marriage to be permanent, based on what she is currently doing.

I also actually wonder if our marriage is valid because maybe we never fully consummated the marriage. Perhaps someone can help answer or clarify this for me: If a form of contraception was used during every occurrence of intercourse since we were married, is the marriage considered consummated in the eyes of the Church? And if the marriage isn’t considered consummated, then is it valid?

If it comes down to petitioning for an anullment I think my wife will try and spin the story to say I never wanted children. I need to admit that the decision to not try to have kids throughout the marriage was mostly mutual. This is difficult to explain here in words. Throughout our marriage we both agreed that the time didn’t feel right to have kids. We wanted to wait, like many people, until we were finacially stable. About two years ago my wife did bring up the idea about children. At that time she said it looked like about a year down the road would probably be a good place to maybe get pregnant. There were a couple reasons for this. Several of her friends, plus my brother all had kids about two to three years ago. So she was seeing all these babies and toddlers around. The other reason was due to the fact that my wife would have better maternity leave around that point. I really never said much about it when she brought all this up. I think I was okay with it, but I also knew it was going to mean some big changes in our lives. I saw that my wife was so involved in her social activities that I had some concern how she was going to accept the changes (or if she would change her social life at all).

Since that point about two years ago, she has never brought up the idea of children or of when to try and get pregnant. I never told my wife, but about a year ago I started having a desire to start having kids. I saw my brother’s two little kids (twins, one boy and one girl) and some of our friend’s small children and something definately clicked within my mind and heart. It was almost like I started to have thoughts of settling down and putting the time into starting a family. Maybe I should have spoken up about this. I guess at the time I didn’t feel like my wife was ready (because she certainly wasn’t saying anything) so I didn’t want to pressure her.

Anyways, you asked whether or not I want to reconcile with her or not. I’ve been asking myself that same question quite a bit lately. Unfortunately I dont have a clear answer yet. One part of me says I should a least give the marriage one more try. The other part of me says “move on stupid!”, and its for the best in the long run that we go our separate ways. I wish I had an answer. I think most guys would have checked out a long time ago if they were in my situation and dealt with everything I’ve experienced. I’m praying for guidance and leaving it up to my faith in God.

 

[JoeKR]

Well, I gave my wife the letter last night to read. Then we had a three hour very emotional talk about everything. She didn’t deny the affair, which I am thankful for. I think at this point reconciling the marriage isn’t going to happen, as much as I previously wanted that. She is obviously very attached to the other man, even to the point where she is looking to find a job near him and an apartment (about two hours away from where we currently live). Plus she still isn’t recognizing some of her core faults and issues within our marriage. She is still in a fantasy world with this whole thing. She still seems to blame me for most of the problems. I wish I had better news here.

I also sent the letter and some proof of the affair to her mom. And I sent the other man’s wife a message informing her of the affair. The wife had some suspicions that something was going on, but didn’t exactly know about the affair.

I had intended to expose the affair to more people (just close family and friends), but at this point I’m not sure if I will, especially if i can’t muster the courage to continue to try and reconcile. My wife requested that I not tell anyone (obviously!), and I’m trying to be nice and respect her wishes. I’m really not sure what to do here, and I guess I’ll have to think about this for some time and pray for guidance on the matter. On one hand I want to respect her wishes, but on the other I feel like she needs to get some help and the only way to do that is for friends and family to pressure her.

I feel bad getting her mom involved in this whole thing. Her mom has apparantly been on my side through this whole thing, and my wife hardly wants to even talk to her mom now. My wife feels like her mom is “judging” her, and my wife says all she really wants from her mom is to be comforted. My wife thinks the same thing about her two long time time girlfriends - she doesn’t want contact with them because she feels they will only judge her at this point. I think my wife really needs a wake up call and reality check, but unfortunately I don’t think anyone will be able to get through to her. I know God can work in many ways, and I pray that someday he will enlighten her.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Joe, your job is done. You don’t have to tell anyone. People are smart enough to figure it out. She moves out of your house and immediately is seen around with a new guy? People can draw conclusions that she didn’t “just meet him.”

Funny how people like that only want the world to tell them they are wonderful. She sounds like a narcissist. She doesn’t care at all what she has done to you, or the hurt she has caused another family. All she wants is the world to comfort her. Anyone who disapproves she will shun. Because no one is allowed to have an opinion about what she did. However, if it was YOU who had a girlfriend, she’d be enlisting all of them to condemn you.

You can’t get through to people like that. She will eventually see that she has a cheater on her hands. He’ll do to her what she did to you. She didn’t want to learn from you and avoid that, so life will teach her that lesson the hard way.

She thinks what she is doing is romantic. No, most of the world thinks it’s seedy. And the opinion the world has of her will go down immediately. I’m sure all the church activities will end quickly. She has to go to a new town and reinvent herself where no one knows what she has done. I predict through her life she will bounce from one town to the next and leave as soon as people figure her out.

Pray for her mom. She must really be hurting. She is losing her daughter in this, even if only for a while. Your wife will attack anyone who doesn’t validate the wonderfulness of her new life.

You don’t need to tell the world what she did. Though SHE would tell the world if it were you. You are better than she is. By now you have figured that out. People will actually ask you “Was there someone else?” All you have to do is say “Yes. But you understand I don’t want to talk about it. It hurts too much.” And leave it at that. Her own behavior will eventually come crashing down on her. Her boyfriend is someone with no restraint or integrity or respect. Eventually he will turn on her. She will someday realize she traded down.

Keep praying. All you can do is pray for her. She doesn’t want you to help save her soul.

At least you got the truth out of her. Some people never get that resolution, though they know deep down they were being betrayed.

 

[JoeKR]

Joe, your job is done. You don’t have to tell anyone. People are smart enough to figure it out. She moves out of your house and immediately is seen around with a new guy? People can draw conclusions that she didn’t “just meet him.”

Funny how people like that only want the world to tell them they are wonderful. She sounds like a narcissist. She doesn’t care at all what she has done to you, or the hurt she has caused another family. All she wants is the world to comfort her. Anyone who disapproves she will shun. Because no one is allowed to have an opinion about what she did. However, if it was YOU who had a girlfriend, she’d be enlisting all of them to condemn you.

You can’t get through to people like that. She will eventually see that she has a cheater on her hands. He’ll do to her what she did to you. She didn’t want to learn from you and avoid that, so life will teach her that lesson the hard way.

She thinks what she is doing is romantic. No, most of the world thinks it’s seedy. And the opinion the world has of her will go down immediately. I’m sure all the church activities will end quickly. She has to go to a new town and reinvent herself where no one knows what she has done. I predict through her life she will bounce from one town to the next and leave as soon as people figure her out.

Pray for her mom. She must really be hurting. She is losing her daughter in this, even if only for a while. Your wife will attack anyone who doesn’t validate the wonderfulness of her new life.

You don’t need to tell the world what she did. Though SHE would tell the world if it were you. You are better than she is. By now you have figured that out. People will actually ask you “Was there someone else?” All you have to do is say “Yes. But you understand I don’t want to talk about it. It hurts too much.” And leave it at that. Her own behavior will eventually come crashing down on her. Her boyfriend is someone with no restraint or integrity or respect. Eventually he will turn on her. She will someday realize she traded down.

Keep praying. All you can do is pray for her. She doesn’t want you to help save her soul.

At least you got the truth out of her. Some people never get that resolution, though they know deep down they were being betrayed.

Liberanosamalo- thank you so much for your response. You put into words exactly how I feel and what I’m thinking. Thank you!

 

[JoeKR]

Well, the story never seems to end. I’ve been in regular contact with the other man’s wife (they have been separated since mid-February) over the past week and found some very disturbing things about him. I think she is telling me the truth about who he really is, because I don’t see why she would make this stuff up about her husband. I realize she might be angry and/or bitter about everything, but it would be difficult to make the amount of stuff she has told me. I don’t see how she put up with it for so long.

My suspicions about how he got my wife to fall for him seem to be correct. His wife tells me he has two sides. He is normally a very kind, compassionate, and considerate individual and knows how to make people feel very special. He says lots of nice sweet things, buy gifts, and performs kind services. In her words she said “he can make a woman feel like a princess.” But there is appearantly a dark side to him. He was formerly a drug user, and was/is an alcoholic. And over the years with his own wife became abusive (both emotionally and physically) toward her. He has lost friends and employment becasue of his alcohol abuse. He was recently in a head-on collision and managed to get off because the officer failed to report his blood alcohol level on the official accident report. His wife had been scared many times when came home drunk and became violent, even to the point of puching holes through the wall.

I’m trying to get some kind of proof about all these statements, just to have some extra comfort moving forward. As you can imagine, my MIL is very concerned about her daughter, because she obviously doesn’t realize who she is really getting involved with. She just won’t listen to anyone.

I’m really not sure what to do at this point. I feel like some kind of intervention needs to happen before a mistake gets even worse for my wife, regardless of whether our marriage can even be reconciled. I guess I just need to pray for guidance on this matter.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

He is normally a very kind, compassionate, and considerate individual and knows how to make people feel very special. He says lots of nice sweet things, buy gifts, and performs kind services. In her words she said “he can make a woman feel like a princess.” But there is appearantly a dark side to him.

No, sir, you have it all quite backwards. He is NORMALLY mean with a dark side. He uses the kind compassionate act to manipulate people and make women feel like princesses until he is finished with them. Then they see the real person under the mask. And it’s too late.

They should call CAF “Narcissist Central” because so many people come here at their wits’ end dealing with this problem as it turns their families inside out spiritually and emotionally. It’s relatively rare in the grand scheme of things, but not in dealing with family problems, because it is so disruptive to marriages and workplaces.

This guy sounds like a classic case… and they love to steal other men’s wives. Living on the edge and the forbidden fruit and all that. Only want what they can’t have.

What your wife doesn’t know is that once she is no longer “forbidden” she will lose half of what made her interesting to him.

What do YOU do? Well, you realize you cannot do anything. Except pray for her. And know that someday she WILL look back and realize she was a fool to dump a decent man who loved her for the “exciting dangerous” guy.

Feel sorry for her. She has no idea the hell she is going to go through. The soon to be ex wife probably is relieved her xh is someone else’s problem. And no, she probably didn’t make any of those stories up. And there’s probably way more where those came from.

These guys are a dime a dozen.

Knowing Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde has stolen your wife might help you to forgive and move on. Nothing you can do to her now will equal the punishment she’s about to get from this man. Mr. Karma is going to make her very sorry.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Oh, and the drunk driving thing is a perfect example of how maddening it is to deal with these people. They ALWAYS seem to get away with everything! It’s like the devil protects them from themselves and everyone else does all the suffering for their actions. You’d expect the law of averages to take effect ONCE in a while, but NO!

Gaah!

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Joe, you could try to share the information “as is” with your wife, let her find more proof and corroborate it if she is interested in the truth. But don’t beat yourself up if she won’t listen to you, because she is a grown-up person with a mind of her own and she is making her free choices. Indeed there are situations where your only practical option to influence the outcome is to pray for that other person.

The prodigal son gave up the love and safety of his father’s home, and ran away to experience hardship and humiliation. That was his free choice, and his father couldn’t stop him.

Judas, after being in Jesus’ closest company for 3 years and experiencing his major miracles that proved that his teachings were true and he was the Son of God, went out and betrayed him for 30 pieces of silver. That was also Judas’ free choice, and Jesus didn’t stop him, because he respected the other man’s freedom. God respects the freedom of his creatures.

I know it breaks your heart, and I think your heartbreak is a shadow of the pain God feels when his children make choices that take them down more and more on the road to Hell. Isaiah tells that God spreads his arms all they long towards his people, and the tears are pouring from his eyes…

Pray for your wife. Our Blessed Mother said, in one of her apparitions, that prayer is the most powerful tool on this earth. If I understand it correctly, this means that prayer is more powerful even than actions and talking, trying to persuade someone.

 

[JoeKR]

Well, I felt the need to write and try to update everyone on my situation. Not much has really changed with my wife and I, but I have a better understanding of some of the problems. I’ve been doing more reading (and talking/writing) than I have ever before. I’ve learned that people who have affairs tend to distort things about their spouse and the history of their marriage. And as best I can tell, that is what my wife is doing. I’ve been open and honest to everyone that I have spoken with, but I think my wife twists the truth to try and justify her recent actions.

She is still seeing other man, and quite frankly I feel like a doormat at times. I’m basically taking care of the house and the dogs, while she is out having “fun.” Not that I wasn’t already taking care of the most of the responsiblities around the house in the past. I’ve just picked up what little resonsibilities that my wife used to have. She is only here a few nights in the middle of the week since her job is close by. People have tried to tell me to kick her out, or lpack and eave myself, but legally I don’t think those are options. Plus I would be miserable in an apartment at this time. Its nice to come home to a nice house and relax, and feel good about providing a roof over my head.

Every day that goes by I feel less and less connected to my wife. I pray a couple times a day and ask God for guidance on making decisions and how to handle things. I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. Like it’s time to move on. Most people I have talked to recently have suggested the same thing. I just can’t believe what my wife has turned into recently. She is not the person I married (or thought I married).

I have good days and bad days. When the weather is dreary it is very depressing for me. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo, and I want to speed things up and get this all over with. Its just too painful at times. I know it will get better though with time.

I’ve kept in close contact with the other man’s wife and actually went to see her this past weekend to talk about the situation and try to enjoy the day together. Even though my situation is horrible, the stuff she has dealt with over the years is just unimagineable. I pray that the other man has cleaned up his ways, at least for my wife’s sake.

One thing that really bothers me is something that I brought up with my mother in-law, and that is my concern about how my wife would be with kids. My wife really hasn’t “settled down” as you can see, and the idea of having to raise children with her has always concerned me. Well, my wife turned the whole thing around and used it against me when she talked with her mother recently. My wife said that she thought that since I wasn’t spending much time with her and her activities over the past year or two, that I would do the same when kids came along. This all stems from her upbringing. I pryed her mom for some information recently as I suspected a long time family issues with my wife. I never really got the know my wife’s father, as he passed away about six months after we started dating. But I always got the impression he was never really all that involved in my wife’s life as she was growing up. He never wanted to be left alone with her, he never once changed her diaper, he never attended her athletic activities, he was professional piano player but my wife was taught to play piano by someone else because he didn’t have the patience with her. I’m sure there are many more examples of this. I realize I haven’t shown my wife the best potential to be a proper father to children, but I really want her to take a close look in the mirrror and ask herself how much is she like her father? I think when it comes to being selfish and having little patience, she is very much like him. She just doesn’t see it. the fact is, she wants others (ie. her husband) to take all the responsibilities when it comes to raising a family, so she can maintain her social activities.

Sorry for the long post, but I just had to vent some of this!

I will say that I have learned a great deal about many things over the past two months. And I am thankful that although this situation is tough at times, it has opened my eyes and made me realize that I need to get on the right track with my life and lead the life that God wants me to have.

 

[stbruno]

I am new to this posting, so I have not had the opportunity to read all the posts. But have you seen the movie Fireproof that was recently in the theaters. If not, consider, renting it. Watch it alone or even better with your wife. If she won’t watch it with you…still watch it and consider checking out one of the resources of the movie…call the Love Dare. bhpublishinggroup.com/lovedare/ This is the link. The Love Dare, as featured in the new movie Fireproof, is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to try before you call your efforts off to save this relationship especially since you indicate that she has not agreed to go for counseling at this time. Retrouvaille.org is one of the best retreats I know of to help struggling relationships rebuild, but it takes both of you to do it. However, maybe this is one thing you can do alone, along with daily prayer for your relationship…maybe add in regular visitation before the Blessed Sacrament too.

You have nothing to lose and all the more to gain. God bless you for this very worthy task.

 

[JoeKR]

I am new to this posting, so I have not had the opportunity to read all the posts. But have you seen the movie Fireproof that was recently in the theaters. If not, consider, renting it. Watch it alone or even better with your wife. If she won’t watch it with you…still watch it and consider checking out one of the resources of the movie…call the Love Dare. bhpublishinggroup.com/lovedare/ This is the link. The Love Dare, as featured in the new movie Fireproof, is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to try before you call your efforts off to save this relationship especially since you indicate that she has not agreed to go for counseling at this time. Retrouvaille.org is one of the best retreats I know of to help struggling relationships rebuild, but it takes both of you to do it. However, maybe this is one thing you can do alone, along with daily prayer for your relationship…maybe add in regular visitation before the Blessed Sacrament too.

You have nothing to lose and all the more to gain. God bless you for this very worthy task.

stbruno -

My story is long and complex. I initially wanted to do whatever it took to win my wife back, including couseling, the Fireproof movie, the Love Dare book, changing myself, etc. Basically anything and everything. But I eventually proved that my wife was and continues to have an affair with another man. From everythng I have read and the people I have spoken with, it doesn’t really matter what I say, what I do/don’t do, as long as the affair is occuring my wife will be in a fantasy world. There is still a very small part of me that wants to make the marriage whole again, but that part seems to get smaller and smaller every day. I have trouble even looking at my wife now since she has caused me so much pain. I know the Catholic Church’s teaching about mariage - it’s supposed to be a sacramental bond for life, and once we take our vows we should honor them for all our lives. I can’t stop my wife from proceeding to divorce me from a civil standpoint. I could use some of the techniques from marriagebuilders.com to try and break up the affair, but it would be difficult at best, plus I don’t know if I could even trust my wife ever again, especially to be the other of my children. There has been a lot to consider over the past month or more, I’ve been trying to take things slow and trying to avoid making any rash decisions (which is what my wife essentially did), but I really think I’m at the point where I’ve realized I can’t do much more. I’m leaving it in God’s hands. I want so much to do the right thing here.

On a side note, I did watch (actually bought a copy) the Fireproof movie and thought it was great. It was weird because there were so many similarities between the movie and my situation. I would recommend to anyone and I think I miht buy and give it to some close family/friends. My mother in-law bought me the Love dare book. I skimmed through it, but haven’t read and obviously haven’t implemented it.

 

[Jan_Bolbot]

I don’t mean to be harsh really. And the women aren’t always the innocent parties either. If she had been the one to write here and ask what she should do, I’d give her an earful about her first responsibility is to her marriage and not every church committee, and how she should be lucky her husband wants to work things out and seems to have learned from his mistakes. Some of us were married to men who never admitted they did anything wrong.

And I would have told her that she as a Catholic who exercises moral leadership in her church she has a moral obligation to not cause scandal by divorcing her husband for frivolous reasons. If she is not being abused or cheated on or swindled or beaten, she does not have any right to just walk away from a vow made on the altar of God. And if she does so, if I were her priest, I’d remove her from any position of authority so as not to cause scandal in the parish.

Her husband wants to fix things, not end it. And so she has an obligation to keep trying.
But she didn’t write in. He did.

And I’d tell him that if she went through with it and then got a divorce and tried to get an annulment (based on the urgings of ignorant people who may tell her she has a good case for one), I would suggest he continue to live as if he was married, not date, and participate fully in the annulment process, answering all the questions honestly and detailing his attempts and pleadings to get counselling that she refused and her unwillingness to work on the marriage and that not all attempts to save it were made.

And I’d ask the husband if he’s absolutely sure that with all her socializing whether or not she hasn’t met someone else and thinks the grass is greener elsewhere.

In short, divorce is the nastiest thing you can go through. God invented death, but He abhors divorce. That should tell you something.

I have no patience for people who file for it and abandon flawed but faithful spouses who want to keep the marriage going. And I have no patience for spouses who make their husbands/wives feel irrelevant and unloved. Been there on the receiving end of that one. So I’d be mean to both of them. I’m just loveable that way. When people promise God something, they are required to love, honor and cherish and remain together till God decides its over. Don’t mean to make the OP feel he is the only one singled out here.

Yes thank you. It is not always the husband at fault.

I’m in exactly the same boat as this guy (both committed Catholics, involved in our parish; wife wants to be with other man; wants to end marriage; refuses to try to save it, etc.–boring old human-made misery; only we haven’t yet separated…she’s waiting to pay off some debts and/or finish her degree using my income). Well, prayer is the only thing. You can’t force it. You can pray for her, but also pray for yourself, for strength to carry your cross; for God to help you to keep loving her no matter what.

Even if she treats you horribly, cold, etc., even if she is not there, you are still her husband and you still try to be the best husband you can be. One thing my suffering has taught me is that our primary relationship is between me and God and her and God. If I make my relationship with God as good as I can and she makes hers as good as she can, everything will be fine. Well, of course, I can’t fix her relationship with God, but I can fix mine. Solitude (real in your case; virtual in mine [e.g., she refuses to talk to me]) is great for remembering all the things you messed up in life and making a list for your next confession. And don’t wait too long on the confession thing.

If she divorces you, the sin is hers not yours. You’re still a husband in God’s eyes and He’s the one whose opinion matters!

JB

P.S. Pray the rosary every day. Doesn’t it sound useless? It’s not. Trust me.

 

[mariciaspirit]

If she divorces you, the sin is hers not yours. You’re still a husband in God’s eyes and He’s the one whose opinion matters!
P.S. Pray the rosary every day. Doesn’t it sound useless? It’s not. Trust me.

Hello, I have not been online in a while. Greeting in the name of our Lord Jesus to all. Joe I know the place that you are in. I have reached a point where I am willing to let him go by going to get a divorce. I gave him a choice to change his life or release me from the bonds of marriage but he prefers to live this way. He has free will and has chosen this path but God keeps telling me wait. My husband does not want to speak to me anymore except about our son and he is seeing someone new again. I am reminded by an early post of what I originally told you. Try not to lose focus. Things are really bad now and I cannot even feel the spiritual connection between us anymore but until we are separated by the church it will still be there. It is really hard to separate oneself from the circumstance but I urge you to do it. Not a day goes by that I have to remind myself to stay focused. God is great and mighty. I love going before the Blessed Sacrament and it has helped a lot to cope. I do not pray the rosary but recently God has been revealing it to me in many ways. As a child I was thought that we should not pray to Mary and I have been asking for wisdom in this area. I love the Catholic Church and I have never been tempted to leave. In fact everyday I learn more about my faith. Therefore millions of Catholic cannot be wrong about the Rosary. I have heard it is very powerful. I am going to try it and I reaffirm Jan that you should do the same.

 

[JoeKR]

So my wife’s 30th birthday was today. Since we are separated I really didn’t know what to do. She is still living here at the house part time. I still care so very much for her, but on the other hand what she continues to do with the affair causes me great pain. I really don’t know how I feel anymore. I talked to my MIL earlier this week and she really wants me to keep trying to win my wife back. I was open and honest with my MIL about my feelings and told her that a significant part of me wants to just let her go and I can’t continue letting this mess consume all my life. My MIL understands my dilema, but I feel like I’m letting her down if I don’t try, and I feel like I’m not honoring my marriage vows if I just give up. But I feel so very much like giving up. I just don’t see how things could ever work out at this point. Even if my wife came running back to me I don’t know how I could ever trust her again. I’m just trying to be honest.

So back to the birthday. I ended up getting my wife some flowers, and nice card that I wrote some emotional things in, and made her a big breakfast before I left for work this morning (Got up at 4:30 am to tackle all this!). I woke up my wife in the spare bedroom, wished her a happy birthday and gave her a couple kisses on her forehead and told her I loved her. She seem happy that I was making a significant effort and recognizing her milestone birthday. I also sent her an email when I got to work and sent her a text message on her cell phone to wish her happy birthway and tell her some kind thoughts.

I felt really good that I did all this for my wife. If really feels good to do something for someone else. But at certain points during the day I felt a little bad. I feel like I’m almost condoning her recent behaviors. Its almost like I need to stop during these nice things and hope she learns a lesson from what she did and continues to do. I’m just so confused at times!

 

[Jan_Bolbot]

So my wife’s 30th birthday was today. …So back to the birthday. I ended up getting my wife some flowers, and nice card that I wrote some emotional things in, and made her a big breakfast before I left for work this morning (Got up at 4:30 am to tackle all this!). …I felt really good that I did all this for my wife. … I’m just so confused at times!

Had the same problem. My wife tosses my gifts in the trash, rips up the cards, or demands that I give them to someone else. (For her birthday last week I gave the gifts from myself and the kids. That seemed to work.) My priest told me to keep being kind to her and what she does with the gifts doesn’t matter. I think the same advice would apply. You did the right thing.

She expects you to treat her like she treats you. Do the unexpected.

JB

P.S. Reading your messages is incredibly helpful to me. I don’t feel so much like “I’m the only bum in the world with an unfaithful and dysfunctional wife.”

 

[JoeKR]

Well, not much has changed over the past couple weeks. My wife is still “full steam ahead” on making plans to be with the other man. Through my snooping I have found that she is tying herself financially to him since he is broke (actually in debt as I learned from the man’s wife). I have also found where they have been looking for apartments together near his current location since his current lease is up at the end of the month. I found a piece of paper with the floorplans and my wife making notes where the various furniture and household items will go. This is just so frustrating! I understand that financially it appears to be a good idea to live with someone else, but beyond that nothing good can come of it. They are both still married and have no clue of the root problems, so they are bound to repeat their mistakes. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

My wife continues to live at our house part time, which is very awkward at times. I hate to say it, but I feel like she is now a stranger to me. I have a hard time looking at her and now try to avoid as much contact and communication as possible. It’s hard to explain, but I guess all she has done and continues to do has finally sunk in, and I realize the pain that she has caused me. She is no longer the woman I married. Most of my close friends and family are advising me to let her go and move on with my life. Some even think I’m crazy for holding on to any hope for reconciling the marriage.

I had my first session with an individual conselor last week and have another appointment today. I know I also need to see my pastor for some guidance on this situation since I don’t think it will improve any time soon (if ever). I’m curious to see what my pastor will say.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Joe, I know it hurts.

But we all know how this one ends. She will get with him and that will be the last day of security she ever knows, even financial security.

Just make sure you have protected your assets now so YOUR hard-earned money does not go to pay HIS debts.

You’ve been to a lawyer? You’ve started putting your money in an account without her name on it?

Let her have the furniture. You won’t want it after she is gone. It will be a memory of her and when you bought it. Let her choke on it.

It sounds like she’s blindly diving into the abyss. All you can do is pray for her. She will live to regret it.