How to convince wife to go to marriage counseling?

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You are right that an essential element to having a healthy relationship is open and honest communication, and yet all relevant and revealing information that you have obtained so far has been through snooping. Do you think that is something that can or will change?

If your wife does come back to you, what do you think the basis for that will be? What have you learned from the brief glimpse you have had into what is really on her mind? You don’t have to answer that here, but it is something good to think about. If her motivations are entirely self-centered, I would still be having doubts.

What you are going through now is painful but necessary. Everything, all of the problems, that you maybe have just smoothed over for all of these years are being brought to the surface so that you can deal with them and not ignore them or gloss over them anymore. I think in addressing the problems and dealing with the realities you will begin to see in ways that will leave you with no doubt whether or not you have a marriage to work with.
 
So she knows you snoop in your own house and she left the notebook where you could find it. She wanted you to read that on some level.

But she doesn’t have the guts to be honest to your face. There’s still a lack of candor here. Whatever her doubts… whether you are a port in the storm or she has profound regrets, she is living in a state of sin and any choices she makes will be clouded by that.

Proceed with caution. She has given no reason to trust. She goes by emotion. Right now her emotions are changing. Her actions follow changing emotions. What happens to you if her emotions change again?
 
Liberanosamalo said:
So she knows you snoop in your own house and she left the notebook where you could find it. She wanted you to read that on some level.

But she doesn’t have the guts to be honest to your face. There’s still a lack of candor here. Whatever her doubts… whether you are a port in the storm or she has profound regrets, she is living in a state of sin and any choices she makes will be clouded by that.

Proceed with caution. She has given no reason to trust. She goes by emotion. Right now her emotions are changing. Her actions follow changing emotions. What happens to you if her emotions change again?
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Liberanosamalo - I always look forward to reading your responses. You seem to always have such great insight.

I really don’t think she intended me to find the notebook. I really don’t.

When my MIL asked her at some point recently about everything, my wife’s answer was “he has aready written it off.” And what she meant was that I had already moved on. And I have definitely been giving her that impression for the past two months or so. There are a couple reasons why I point this out. One is if she thinks I’ve moved on, then she may think its too late to try and reconcile, and pointless to try. So she won’t approach me. The other is that I’ve seen many examples that when the wayward spouse realizes their husband/wife is moving on, if often gets them thinking - sometimes its panic, sometimes doubt, etc., and opens their minds and heart to what is important.

I agree that it is best to proceed with caution. I’m not getting my hopes up only to be crushed (again!). My counselor and I discussed the fact that so far she hasn’t shown any remorse, and that she likely hasn’t identified her role in the breakdown of the marriage (still blames me for all her unhappiness). She may never get it. And I know I can’t have a marriage with her if she isn’t willing to learn from her issues and mistakes. I still have a ways to go, but at least I’m working on myself - spending time reflecting on things, my behavior, and issues.
 
joe i still believe that your wife needs to break off the affair before any further steps for repairing the marriage could even be considered. at this point i would either ask her to move out or i would move out from the house myself. this is an emotional rollercoaster and it wont solve the problem. it will only leave you more exhausted in the end. you could write her a nice letter not nasty or rude but firm nevertheless. ask her to see you after she has finished her affair. in the meantime keep your boundaries stay physically separate and dont get onto the emotional rollercoaster its not productive.
 
You may also ask your wife again to come to marriage counseling with you. But the three of you (you and the counselor) must address the real issue head-on: your wife must end her affair, and all contact and communication between her and the other man must end once and for all. Marriage, as the Church understands it, is an exclusive and lifetime commitment between the two of you, and it is open to the gift of children. You should see eye to eye with your wife and agree on this. The two of you need to agree on this and reaffirm it as the basis on which your marriage was established and as the basis on which your marriage continues to stand.
 
Sorry to bring this thread back, but I felt the need to write. I want to thank everyone that helped and offerred their prayers for my situation last year. I also wanted to give an update on everything that has transpired since my last post in July 2009 (has it really been that long?), and maybe get some advice. This might be a long post and I’m sure I’ll leave out some information at first but here it goes…

My wife and I got back together in August to try and work things out. I had noticed her spending less time with the other man, plus my MIL informed me she believed there was still hope for us. I wrote my wife a letter and asked her to talk one-on-one with me about things. I explained that I learned a great deal during the separation and understood the issues with our relationship. I didn’t think it would work, but it did, and she decided to move back and try to reconcile the marriage.

Things were going well up until about last month. Some of the prior issues were starting to resurface and it became very frustrating for me. Also, due to some complications from her affair she was still in limited contact with the other man which really bothered me since we had agreed on no contact moving forward. There was no longer a relationship with her and the other man but it felt very disrespectful when they had contact.

I finally had a srious discussion with her about my feelings on certain issues. It was good to get some stuff off my chest and I hoped some radical honesty would help things, but in my opinion I’m not sure if it helped anything. She seems to either turn everything around and say I’m the one creating the problems, or state that it’s her personality and she can’t control or change anything.

Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I can’t seem to get through to her to understand her problems. I’m sure I mentioned it before but she is very stubborn and self centered in many areas. I’ve read in some marriage forums where this type of personality is the most difficult to reach.

We haven’t done any marriage counseling (yet), but I asked her to read some of the books I purchased that I felt could really help us. I think she browsed through a couple books, but thats about it. Should I press her to do counceling? She wont do any individual counceling, but said she would do joint counceling (although she doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about it). I’m not a big fan of marriage counceling unless my wife is really willing to participate.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Perhaps I’m writing this just to vent a little. It seems to help me.
 
Hi Joe and welcome back. Looking at the title that you chose for your thread back when you started it, it seems rather telling that she still won’t go to counseling. Do you think she wanted to get back together with you because she valued the marriage and wanted to work on it or was it more due to the other relationship ending? Also, I am assuming that she claims to have looked for another relationship because she hadn’t been happy with the way things were. It doesn’t make sense then that she isn’t willing to do the work to make changes.
 
Joe, you’re a good man. This thread really morphed over time. Not many people would have tried like you have. The problem with some personality types is they not only want to do everything their way and be in total control, but they want to control YOUR reaction to it. And if you don’t respond to their bad behavior in the way they think you should YOU become the bad guy.

It’s maddening.

And she doesn’t want to go to individual counseling because she doesn’t want to deal with her issues.

You can’t make her. What you can do is figure out how much you’re going to give to this reconciliation. So you can either be glad someday you tried and succeeded, or you can walk away with the certitude you went that extra mile and really tried everything.

Affairs are seldom about the third person. The third person becomes the scapegoat for all the issues that prompted one party to break all their vows and promises and hurt those closest to them. Your wife isn’t ready to deal with that. But the fact that she moved back in with you is either a tacit recognition that she feels safer with you, she’s afraid of being alone, or it’s convenient. Or she loves you.

You’re still trying to sort through your real place in her life. We can’t tell you which place you belong in. That has to come from her.

Have you tried Retrouvaille as a way to change communication patterns?

Try it!

And may I suggest a book I’m reading… don’t be put off by the title. It’s for everyone who deals with problem relationships. It’s helping me sort through some feelings here. The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, PhD. It’s cheap on Amazon.

It might help you to sort through your own actions and reactions. it’s about how to express anger productively.

Thanks for the update.
 
Joe, I just want to apologize for my last post. I was too short and harsh. I know you are pouring everything you’ve got into making it work, which is really what you should be doing. Your wife’s attitude is just too familiar to me, and I am afraid my attitude is more pessimistic than you would want to hear. I know there is always hope, but maybe you should consider how long you are willing to hold out hope without seeing concrete steps that your wife is willing to put in the required work to fix the damage and ensure that you have a solid foundation for rebuilding your marriage. Maybe you should write down what those essentials are. It should make it easier for you to identify whether you are going round and round in circles or are headed in the right direction.

I really am praying for you. You do deserve to be treated well by someone who is devoted to her relationship with you.
 
I didn’t read the rest of your thread, but if your wife will cooperate with counseling, you could try it. Although it is hard to make progress when one of the parties will not accept any responsibility…I would say be sure to find a counselor who will confront when one of the parties is throwing sand in the cat box, so to speak. Has to be Christian, or they will be advising you two to split up, but needs to be on top of people like your wife. I’d say make an appointment ahead of time and interview the counselor, explain that you have gone through an affair and wish to work on issues, but that your wife may have really tough defenses. If the person is worth their fee, they will have some techniques to confront that.

Now, having given that advice, the end result may be that your wife leaves you, but at least you will know where you stand, and no more doubts and fears.

Take care of yourself, no matter what, and know that I have added you to my prayers.
 
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